147 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
147 lines
6.4 KiB
Plaintext
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The Complete Guide to Road Pizza - 4/26/86
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Written by: Black Kat
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[Call: Ultimate Dimensions 20 Meg CF/BBS]
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->716/773-0096<-
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First of all, let me start by giving you a brief description of road
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pizza for easy identification. Have you ever been traveling down the road,
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and seen a dead creature flattened onto the pavement? This is your basic
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ROAD PIZZA. This pizza may take many shapes, scents, and sizes which we
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will describe in this file.
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Road Pizza: Defined as "Any living creature (including little brothers) alive
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at one time or another which has been flattened in various ways by a moving
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vehicle, to a pizza thickness..."
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Now we will go into more detail on the specific types of Road Pizzas we
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have found....
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1] The Friendly Road Pizza - This pizza is created when you accidentally or
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purposely run over your neighbors pet.
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2] Road Pizza Strip Style - Created when your neighbors cat seeks warmth on
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your car engine. When the ignition is turned, you will in most cases have
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the genuine "Strip style" pizza.
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3] The Unclaimed Road Pizza - When a line of cars strikes the creature and no
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one wishes to claim the kill, or stops to pick it up, leaving it for the
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next passing road pizza fanatic.
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4] The Extra Sauce Road Pizza - Usually of the freshest variety. Commonly
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occurs upon the creatures first day as a new road pizza member.
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5] The Pepperoni & Cheese Road Pizza - A favorite of RP fanatics. This is a
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fairly rare occurance when the head of the creature is crushed in such a way
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that it's eyes are flattened and the brains emerge from the skull giving the
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"Pepperoni & Cheese" effect.
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6] The Freeze Dried Road Pizza - This is the standard pie, lowered below 32
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degrees, creating an almost unbreakable pizza. This particular pizza is
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also one of the "Frisbee" variety described later in this file. Unfortunately
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this one is usually only found in the northern states.
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7] The Aged Road Pizza - This is the RP which is stuck securely to the gray
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forming board. Normally this pie has no scent, or sauce and carries a
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peculiar after taste.
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8] Frisbee Road Pizza - A modified version of the Aged RP or the Freeze dried
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RP. With the correct size, shape, and weight this pizza may be ideal for a
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good game of Frisbee.
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9] The Imaginary Road Pizza - This is the RP you thought you saw, but turns
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out to be a shadow, pothole, or any other drug induced hallucination.
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10] Multiple Road Pizza - Created when an unfriendly scavenger is feasting on
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your RP. Striking the scavenger while in this situation will create a most
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delightful multi-flavored pie.
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11] The Intoxicated Road Pizza - Occurs while driving intoxicated and you
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swerve to strike the creature, unsure of the job you did you must apply the
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brakes and check your rear view mirror. The reverse option may be necessary
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at this time.
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12] The Doggie Bag Road Pizza - The road pizza you strike, but do not feel
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like eating at the time. This pizza may be stored in a doggie bag to keep
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it fresh for later reheating. We suggest the use of a microwave over the
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conventional oven. A delightful surprise and a nice change from the routine
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meals for the wife and kids.
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13] The Smart Ass Road Pizza - This is the creature which nimbly jumps out
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of your way, seemingly laughing at you to be struck by a car coming from the
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opposite direction.
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14] The Bite Size Road Pizzas - Includes Frogs, mice, and other small
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creatures which may be cooked later or eaten raw on the spot if still warm.
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15] The Grilled Road Pizza - Refers to birds of any type which did not
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quite escape, but instead were the proper height to be mashed into your cars
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grill.
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16] The Half Road Pizza - When you arrive at the sight to find only 1/2 of a
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pie. Either a generous RP lover was not hungry enough to eat the whole pie
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or the other half is still stuck to the RP makers tire or wheel well.
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17] The Convulsive Road Pizza - Occurs when you strike the specimen only
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injuring it and the reverse mode option of your vehicle is needed to finish
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the job.
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18] The Accidental Road Pizza - When you have a healthy supply of RP's and
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wish to leave this kill for someone else, but accidentally you skid over the
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specimen instead. (Sometimes this causes the Extra Sauce RP to occur)
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19] The Expensive Road Pizza - This is the pizza which does more damage to
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your car than you invoke on it. Often non-intentional.
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20] The Reaking Road Pizza - Occurs when you strike a skunk, creating a vile
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odor to take place. Also, this RP has a different type of aftertaste.
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Utensils needed for the Road Pizza epicure:
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1. A standard spatula
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2. A properly warmed car engine for sufficient heating
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3. A strong stomach
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Optional:
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1. A place to vomit
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2. Dental floss for the fury RP's
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3. A Can of any strong air freshener (In case of the Reaking RP encounter)
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Well, this concluded this file on various Road Pizzas. Hope you enjoyed
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reading this information. But back to all seriousness, we urge you to try
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Ultimate Dimensions 20 Megabyte BBS/Cat-Fur System. [716/773-0096] -24 Hrs-
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Thanks for your time....
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-Enjoy!
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(>Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
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Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
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& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
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Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649
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Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
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realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043
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Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102
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