169 lines
3.8 KiB
Plaintext
169 lines
3.8 KiB
Plaintext
Real Estate Ad's Translated!
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============================
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The first problem facing a home buyer,
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is money. The second is learning a new
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language; the language of real estate
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advertisments.
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Real estate ad's, of course, never lie.
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They are a form of poetry and poetry
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does not lie. However, it does not tell
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the truth either. Rather, poetry uses
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the language in new and inventive ways
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to convey an image pleasing the reader.
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EG:.... Neat cottage. Ideal holiday
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home for first home owner. Partially
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renovated. Quiet street, Excellent
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investment oppotunity. Will not last at
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this price. Forced sale.
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Does this cast up images of rustic
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charm? A little solid brick bungalow
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surrounded by trees. Translate this ad
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into REAL english, and this is what you
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get.....
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Small, old fibro home, about to fall
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down!.
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Its all very simple once you understand
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poetic licence. The following diction-
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ary of real estate terms will help.
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* * * *
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Three Bedroom:
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Two bed rooms and a large cupboard
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with a window.
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Spacious:
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Four bedrooms.
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Neat:
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Two bedrooms.
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Tasteful:
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Carpeted.
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Leafy aspects:
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Trees block your view.
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Magnificent aspects:
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On a hill.
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Close to public trasnport:
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Beneath railway line.
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Absolute water frontage:
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Gets flooded out every ten years.
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Brand new:
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One year old.
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New:
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Three years old.
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As new:
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Six years old.
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Modern:
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Ten years old.
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Solid:
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Fifteen yeas old.
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Cottage:
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twenty five years old.
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Full of character:
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Fifty years old.
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Developers take note:
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The house is falling down.
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Handyman's delight:
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The roof is about to collapse.
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Investment oppotunity:
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Needs alot of money spent on it.
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Open fire:
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Black cellings.
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Ideal for first home owner:
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Fibro.
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Warm rustic feal:
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Wood.
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Magnificent:
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Brick.
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Easy walking distance too:
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Two miles from.
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Executive style living:
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has a spa.
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Beautiflully presented:
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The lawn has been mowed.
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Well presented:
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Is for private sale.
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Low maintenance:
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Aluminium windows.
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Short walk to shops:
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Five minute walk to shops.
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Minutes to shops:
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Ten minutes walk to shops.
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Handy to shops:
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No where near shops.
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Delightful cottage:
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Garden is overgrown.
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Will not last at this price:
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will not sell at this price.
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Enormous potential:
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enormous amount of work to do.
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Executive home:
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over priced.
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Nothing to spend:
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after buying you'll have nothing
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left to spend.
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Loverly brick veneer:
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built in the sixties.
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Inner city living at its best:
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close to muggers.
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Close to school:
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close to vandals.
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Partially renovated:
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owner gave up on a hopeless case.
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Retirement special:
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A good home to die in.
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Parklike rear garden:
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garden is full of dog shit.
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Situated in rapidly progressing area:
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in the sticks.
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Potential is immeasurable:
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present value is minimal.
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A rare find:
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Rare to find a house built like this
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still standing.
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Forced sale:
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owner committed suicide.
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Sought after location:
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frequently broken into.
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Not much mowing:
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no land.
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Generous built-ins:
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has cupboards.
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Contemporary split-level home:
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overpriced.
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Needs some TLC:
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white ants.
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Land suitable for a pole home:
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on a cliff.
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Suit young kids:
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can allow kids to run wild, nothing
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worth protecting from damage.
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Fully landscaped grounds:
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has a garden.
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Ideal holiday home:
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no carpet.
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Unique home:
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mud brick.
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Prestige surrounds:
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all the other houses in the street
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are nicer.
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Loads of character:
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bizarre.
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Close to amenities:
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next to public toilets.
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Prime location:
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next to a factory.
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Above ground pool:
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piece of leaky plastic filled with
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water.
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Includes all the things that make a
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house a home:
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has an indoor toilet.
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* * * * *
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Downloaded from GodZone BBS, Ph.09-529-0684 |