238 lines
9.9 KiB
Plaintext
238 lines
9.9 KiB
Plaintext
----------------------------------------------------
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It seems that there were these 3 pregnant Indian Squaws, all due to give
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birth at about the same time. The first squaw gave birth to a boy, and the
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birthing was done on a deer hide. The 2nd also gave birth to a boy, but this
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was done on a bear hide. And, the third had twins, two boys, and
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she did this on a hippopotamus hide.
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I guess *THIS* shows us that the sons of the squaw on the hippopotamus hide
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is equal to the sum of the squaws on the other two hides.
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A while back, there were two kingdoms situated close by each other.
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One kindgom had a powerful king, and the other had a relatively weak
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king. The difference (or so everybody said) was that the powerful
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king had a magic throne, which had the property of making people
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powerful.
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Well, the weak king wanted this throne, so he had a trusted
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count get up an army (you know, knights, pages, reporters, that kind
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of thing) to fetch it.
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The army trudged along for a day or two (only the reporters
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would know for sure) and came upon the powerful king's castle.
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The castle entrance was guarded by a huge yellow monster
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with huge yellow hands. The army (being an army and all) attacked!
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The huge Yellow Monster ate them all, except for two pages
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who did not engage in the fight. The pages, being very frightened,
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hid until nightfall.
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When night came along, the pages peeked from their hiding
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place and saw that the monster was asleep. The only thing guarding
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the entrance now was the monsters huge hands draped in front of the
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opening. The pages, being only 8 years old and all, were able to
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squeeze through the yellow fingers and gain entrance into the
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castle.
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Moral: let your pages do the walking through the yellow fingers.
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----------------------------------------------------
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Once inside the castle, the pages had no trouble finding the
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throne. Combined, they were just strong enough to lift it, and were
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able to carry it out of the castle. (The monster gave them no
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further trouble, since they had the throne and everything.)
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After having walked half the night with the heavy throne
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between them, they were very tired and stopped at a grass house
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to rest. The farmer who lived there, wanting to steal the throne for himself,
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let them spend the night in the barn. The throne was "hid" in the
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farmer's attic.
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Some hours later, the farmer stole into his barn and killed
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the pages.
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The farmer went back to bed. A few minutes later, the
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throne crashed through the ceiling, crushing and killing the farmer
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and his wife.
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Moral: people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
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----------------------------------------------------
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When the powerful king found his throne missing the next
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day, he ordered HIS army to kidnap the other king's count and force
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him to tell where the throne was being hid. The session went as
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follows:
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king: Where is the throne?
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count: I cannot tell you.
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king: Then I will have you killed! Executioner, cut off his
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head!
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count: (as the axe is swinging down...)
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Ok! I will tell you!
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THWACK!!!
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Moral: don't hatchet your counts before they chicken.
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----------------------------------------------------
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Our Hero was travelling through the mountains on his quest for the Holy
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Grail, when a fierce storm blew up and his steed caught some horsey sickness.
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He hied to a monastary, and asked the abbot for a replacement, citing
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their loyalty to God. It was the winter season, and nightfall was
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approaching as they looked through the stables. All of the other horses
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were sneezing a coughing also, until they came to a stable, where a large
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shaggy dog story(oops) resided. The knight asked for him, to which the
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abbot replied, "Oh, no, it is still stormy and getting dark.
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I wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this."
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----------------------------------------------------
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An international chess tournament is being held in a swank
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hotel in New York. Everyone who is anyone in the world of
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chess is there. After a grueling 4 hours of chess, the
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players and their entourages retire to the lobby of the hotel for
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a little refreshment.
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In the lobby, the players get into a big argument about who
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is the brightest, the fastest, and the best chess player.
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The argument gets loud, each player claiming that he is
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the greatest chess player of all time.
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One security guard in the lobby turns to the other and says:
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If there's one thing I can't stand, it's
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chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
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(forgive me . . .)
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----------------------------------------------------
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There was a new driver for the bus on Sesame Street. His first
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day on the job, he awoke bright and early, went to the garage, got
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the bus, and set off on his route.
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At the first stop there was a chubby little girl waiting for
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the bus. She climbed the step and got on, and said,
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"Hi. My name is Patty."
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The driver replied,
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"Hi, Patty. Please take a seat."
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At the second stop there was a second little girl, even chubbier
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than the first. She got on and said,
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"Good morning! My name's Patty."
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The driver answered,
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"Good morning. Please sit down."
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At the third stop there was a little boy waiting. He was dressed
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in a white shirt and tie, and a suit with a vest, and he had a
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calculator holster on his belt. He said,
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"Hi. My name is Ross, and I'm special!"
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The driver wasn't impressed, but he managed a smile and said,
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"Please sit down, Ross."
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The fourth stop rewarded the driver with a grubby little boy
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with dirty jeans and torn sneakers. He got on the bus and said,
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"My name is Lester Cheese."
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The driver replied,
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"Please take a seat, Lester."
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Well, he's driving along and he looks in his rear-view mirror
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and sees that Lester Cheese has taken off his sneakers and is
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scratching at his foot. The driver pulls the bus over to the
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side of the rode, stops it, and says,
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"I can't take this any longer! I've got
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two obese Patties,
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special Ross,
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Lester Cheese picking bunions
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on a Sesame Street bus!
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----------------------------------------------------
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----------------------------------------------------
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there was a russian man named rudolph, a high ranking member of the KGB.
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one evening rudolph and his wife, helga, were walking along, and it
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begins to snow. "my, my, look at the lovely snow," said helga.
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"no, that is not snow, that is rain!" replied rudolph.
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"no, no, no, this is snow," she said.
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"look, there is a palace guard, we will ask him."
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rudolph went to the palace gaurd and said "is it raining or snowing?"
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the gaurd was no dummy, so he said "what do YOU think it is doing, rudolph?"
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rudolph replied, "raining."
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and the gaurd said "yes comrade, I was going to say raining, also!"
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so rudolph and helga went walking off. the gaurd could just barely hear
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the KGB official say:
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"RUDOLPH, THE RED, KNOWS RAIN, DEAR"
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----------------------------------------------------
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Two guys were stranded on a desert island.
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The only way they could get food was to kill
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sea birds by throwing rocks at them.
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By the time they were rescued,
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... They had left no tern unstoned.
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----------------------------------------------------
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Once there was a King who was loved by all of his subjects, especially
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because of the hunting excursions he shared with them. As will happen,
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one day he died and his eldest son took the throne. Now this new king
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was an animal-lover to the core, and immediately outlawed all forms of
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hunting and fishing. His subjects accepted this for only a short time
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before they ousted him. This is a truly significant event, because it's
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the first time a reign was called on account of the game.
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----------------------------------------------------
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It seems there were three monks who enjoyed raising plants
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and were trying to keep a flower shop running, selling unique
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and exotic plant life.
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One day, some children where playing behind the shop and
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were eaten whole by an extremely rare man-eating plant.
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The parents, needless to say, were outraged, and demanded that
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the friars get rid of the dangerous plant. The friars refused.
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So the parents and the people of the town tried several ways to get
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the friars to consent, but finally they asked Hugh, the town blacksmith,
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(undoubtably the strongest man around), to run the friars out of town.
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Your waiting for the moral... Can you guess?
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"Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars!"
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----------------------------------------------------
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During the invasion of Sicily in World War II, General
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George ("Blood 'n' Guts") Patton was preparing to take the
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city of Palermo. He checked with his meteorologists and learned
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the day he had chosen would be incredibly rainy. So he issued
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an order to place copies of the New York "Times" immediately
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beneath the tailgates of the transports carrying his troops.
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In this way the men could keep their feet dry.
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His staff was mystified. Why the "Times"? Why not the New
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York "Daily News"? Patton was adamant; and one did not argue
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with the General. As five tons of old copies of the "Times"
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were being loaded, the General issued one of his greatest
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quotes to the assembled war correspondents:
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"THESE ARE THE 'TIMES' THAT DRY MEN'S SOLES."
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----------------------------------------------------
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Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory.
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He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything
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worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The
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scientist worked with the clone, but ,alas, he could not make the
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clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language
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that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed
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up to him, and yelled
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"You are under arrest! You are under arrest!"
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"What for ?",the mad scientist asked.
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And the answer was:
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For making an obscene clone fall.
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----------------------------------------------------
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