184 lines
8.0 KiB
Plaintext
184 lines
8.0 KiB
Plaintext
From cmkuo@vondrake.cc.UTEXAS.EDU Thu Dec 21 15:29:08 1989
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Flags: 000000000201
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From: jik@pit-manager.mit.edu (Jonathan I. Kamens)
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Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
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Subject: The "Reunion Scene" from _The_Princess_Bride_
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Date: 21 Dec 89 11:30:08 GMT
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Remember in the book _The_Princess_Bride_ where William Goldman says
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that you can write to his publisher to get a copy of the reunion scene
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which he wrote for the book? Well, I did, and this is what I got.
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(Note: I do not think I am violating any copyright by posting this --
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there is no copyright notice of any kind printed on the letter which I
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received, and the publishers mail this letter for free to anyone who
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asks, so I am not depriving them of any income by posting this to the
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net. In fact, I'm saving them money, since people don't have to write
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to them to get a copy of this.)
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Jonathan Kamens USnail:
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MIT Project Athena 11 Ashford Terrace
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jik@Athena.MIT.EDU Allston, MA 02134
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Office: 617-253-8495 Home: 617-782-0710
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*************************
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WILLIAM GOLDMAN
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Dear Reader,
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Thank you for sending in, and, no, this is not the reunion scene,
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because of a certain roadblock named Kermit Shog.
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As soon as bound books were ready, I got a call from my lawyer,
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Charley -- (you may not remember, but Charley's the one I called from
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California to go down in the blizzard and buy _The Princess Bride_
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>From the used-book dealer). Anyway, he usually begins with Talmudic
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humor, wisdom jokes, only this time he just says "Bill, I think you
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better get down here," and before I'm even allowed to say a 'why?' he
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adds, "Right away if you can."
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Panicked, I zoom down, wondering who could have died, did I flunk my
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tax audit, what? His secretary lets me into his office and Charley
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says, "This is Mr. Shog, Bill."
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And there he is, sitting in the corner, hands on his briefcase,
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looking exactly like an oily version of Peter Lorre. I really
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expected him to say, "Give me the Falcon, you must, or I'll be forced
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to keeel you."
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"Mr. Shog is a lawyer," Charley goes on. And this next was said
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underlined: "_He represents the Morgenstern estate_."
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Who knew? Who could have dreamed such a thing existed, an estate of a
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man dead at least a million years that no one ever heard of over here
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anyway? "Perhaps you will give me the Falcon now," Mr. Shog said.
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That's not true. What he said was, "Perhaps you will like a few words
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with your client alone now," and Charley nodded and out he went, and
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once he was gone I said, "Charley, my God, I never figured --" and he
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said, "Did Harcourt?"* and I said, "Not that they ever mentioned" and
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he said, "Ooch," the grunting sound lawyers make when they know
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they've backed a loser. "What does he want?" I said. "A meeting with
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Mr. Jovanovich," Charley answered.
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Now, William Jovanovich is a pretty busy fella, but it's amazing when
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you're confronted with a potential multibillion-dollar lawsuit how
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fast you can wedge in a meeting. We trooped over.
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All the Harcourt Brass was there, I'm there, Charley; Mr. Shog, who
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would sweat in an igloo he's so swarthy, is streaming. Harcourt's
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lawyer started things: "We're terribly terribly sorry, Mr. Shog. It's
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an unforgivable oversight, and please accept our sincerest apologies."
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Mr. Shog said, "That's a beginning, since all you did was defame and
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ridicule the greatest modern master of Florinese prose who also
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happened to be for many years a friend of my family." Then the
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business head of Harcourt said, "All right, how much do you want?"
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Biiiig mistake. "_Money?_" Mr. Shog cried. "You think this is petty
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blackmail that brings us together? _Resurrection_ is the issue, sir.
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Morgenstern must be undefiled. You will publish the original
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version." And now a look at me. "In the _unabridged_ form."
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I said, "I'm done with it, I swear. True, there's just the reunion
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scene business we printed up, but there's not liable to be a rush on
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that, so it's all past as far as I'm concerned." But Mr. Shog wasn't
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done with me: "_You_, who _dared_ to _defame_ a _master's_ characters
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are now going to put _your_ words in their mouths? Nossir. No, I
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say." "It's just a little thing," I tried; "a couple pages only."
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Then Mr. Jovanovich started talking softly. "Bill, I think we might
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skip sending out the reunion scene just now, don't you think?" I made
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a nod. Then he turned to Mr. Shog. "We'll print the unabridged.
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You're a man who is interested in immortality for his client, and
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there aren't as many of you around in publishing as there used to be.
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You're a gentleman, sir." "Thank you," from Mr. Shog; "I like to
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think I am, at least on occasion." For the first time, he smiled. We
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all smiled. Very buddy-buddy now. Then, an addendum from Mr. Shog:
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"Oh, Yes. Your first printing of the unabridged will be 100,000
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copies."
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* * * *
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So far, there are thirteen lawsuits, only eleven involving me
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directly. Charley promises nothing will come to court and that
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eventually Harcourt will publish the unabridged. But legal
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maneuvering takes time. The copyright on Morgenstern runs out in
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early '78, and all of you who wrote in are having your names put
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alphabetically on computer, so whichever happens first, the settlement
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or the year, you'll get your copy.
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The last I was told, Kermit Shog was willing to come down on his first
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printing provided Harcourt agreed to publish the sequel to _The
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Princess Bride_, which hasn't been translated into English yet, much
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less published here. The title of the sequel is: _Buttercup's Baby:
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S. Morgenstern's Glorious Examination of Courage Matched Against the
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Death of the Heart_.
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I'd never heard of it, naturally, but there's a Ph.D. candidate in
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Florinese Lit up at Columbia who's going through it now. I'm kind of
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interested in what he has to say.
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[signature] William Goldman
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[In smaller type]
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P.S.
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I'm really sorry about this, but you know the story that ends,
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"disregard previous wire, letter follows?" Well, you've got to
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disregard the business about the Morgenstern copyright running out in
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'78. This was a definite boo-boo but Mr. Shog, being Florinese, has
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trouble, naturally, with our numbering system. The copyright runs out
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in _'87_, not '78.
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Worse, he died. Mr. Shog I mean. (Don't ask how could you tell. It
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was easy. One morning he just stopped sweating, so there it was.)
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What makes it worse is that the whole affair is now in the hands of
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his kid, named -- wait for it -- Mandrake Shog. Mandrake moves with
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all the verve and speed of a lizard flaked out on a river bank.
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The only good thing that's happened in this whole mass is I finally
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got a shot at reading _Buttercup's Baby_. Up at Columbia they feel
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it's definitely superior to _The Princess Bride_ in satirical content.
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Personally, I don't have the emotional attachment to it, but it's a
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helluva story, no question.
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Give it a look-see when you have a chance.
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-- August, 1978
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P.P.S.
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This is getting humiliating. Have you been reading in the papers
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about the trade problems America is having with Japan? Well,
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maddening as this may be, since it reflects on the reunion scene,
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we're also having trade problems with Florin which, it turns out, is
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our leading supplier of Cadminium which, it also turns out, NASA is
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panting for.
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So all Florinese-American litigation, which includes the thirteen law
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suits, has officially been put on hold.
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What this means is that the reunion scene, for now, is caught between
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our need for Cadminium and diplomatic relations between the two
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countries.
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But at least the movie got made. Mandrake Shog was shown it, and word
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reached me he even smiled once or twice. Hope springs eternal.
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-- May, 1987
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--------------------
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*_The Princess Bride_ was first published in hardcover in 1973 by
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Harcourt Brace Jovanovich.
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--
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Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
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Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
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Jokes ABOUT major current events should be sent to topical@looking.ON.CA
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