461 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
461 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
NOTE WELL......this is the compilation of all pickup lines
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delivered following my request. Thank you to all who
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contributed. This is going to be offensive to women and
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men so please do not read further if you are offended by these
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things.
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Last chance to jump out.............
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-----------cut here-------------
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THE CANONICAL (complete for non-mathmeticians) LIST OF PICKUP LINES
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That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed...
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Do you want to see something swell?
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Hey babe....do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi?
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Drop 'em.
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What do you like for breakfast?
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Is that a double ended dilldo or are you just glad to see me?
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Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
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Hi there! I'm interested in having breakfast with you. Can I call you
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or nudge you?
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Excuse me. Do you wanna f**k or should I apologize?
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Irish : Have you got a little Irish in you?
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She: Uh...no....
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Irish: Well, do you want some?
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Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate
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and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you?
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Say, didn't we go to different schools together?
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Wanna f**k like bunnies?
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Why don't you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about
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the first thing that pops up?
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I had a friend who used to hand out calling cards which said:
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Smile if you want to sleep with me
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then watch the victim try to hold back her smile...
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Hi, my name's Ron, how do you like me so far?
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Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us
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I had a friend give a card that on the front:
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1 2 3 4
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Pick a number
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and then on the back of the card it read:
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Sex maniacs always pick 3
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you wouldn't believe how many women pick 3. It was a great card.
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You smell wet. Let's Party.
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Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair.
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Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
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Would you like to dance, or should I go f**k myself again?
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Hey baby, let's go make some babies.
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At the office copy machine:
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Reproducing eh? Can I help?
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Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa?
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-----------
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From: MAD Magazine: Classic Flops
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Spring 1986.
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9 Very Unsuccessful Pick-up Lines:
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---------------------------------
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1. "Would you like to see my boa constrictor?"
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2. "Is that a false nose?"
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3. "You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno."
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4. "I'm drunk."
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5. "Hi, my friends call me Creepy."
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6. "Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?"
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7. "I just threw up."
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8. "You're ugly but you intrigue me."
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9. "I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed
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like that."
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Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick.
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You look more beautiful than Nurse Chapel
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Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in?
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I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!
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Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud' and say:
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Hey charlie, see anyone here you recognize?
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I require a tissue sample. May i sever a little-used portion of your body?
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(brandish forceps)
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Hey, wanna see my R2-D2 impersonation?
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(Think about it...)
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Hey baby...infect me!
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Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a bumper?!?
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Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a trailer hitch?
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Hey baby...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?
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Hey baby...can you suck start a Harley?
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Motion your finger to a girl to get her to come your way.
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When she arrives say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough
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you would c*m."
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Hey babe, how about a pizza and a f**k?
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What's the matter, don't like pizza?
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I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting...
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Let's meet sometime...
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I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good.
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The front reads:
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+------------------------------------+
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|No Phone No Business|
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| No Name |
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|No Address No Money|
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+------------------------------------+
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And the back reads:
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+------------------------------------+
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| I'M A SILENT SEDUCER |
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|Any chance to crawl in the sack with|
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|you tonight? |
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|If so, just keep the card: If not, |
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|kindly return it because they are |
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|expensive. |
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|I'm not as good as I once was. |
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|But I'm good once as I ever was! |
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|P.S. You don't have to say yes |
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| Just Smile!|
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+------------------------------------+
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She (to passing man): Excuse me, do you have the time?
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He: Do you have the energy?
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What is your favorite position on extramarital sex?
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Hey babe, Wanna get LUCKY!!!!!!
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"Say mother! Want another?" (if she has children)
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Suck my dick or I'll blow your f**king head off. [requires a gun]
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No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks?
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Will you marry me and have my children? [unfortunate side-effects: beware!]
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If you ever want to see your children again, you'll do what I want.
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You're hitchhiking across the Mojave Desert? Alone?
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I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look ravishing
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in black, did you know that? What you need now is a nice backrub.
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Are the straps too tight, darling? How tragic. How very, very tragic.
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Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart.
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Bond. James Bond.
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Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes.
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It's absolutely pure Bolivian. And I don't *give* it away.
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Nothing I can say will ease of the loss of your daughter, but rest
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assured that the Morgenstern Funeral Home will do everything possible
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to bring you peace of mind in this harrowing time.
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Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked me
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to pick you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress.
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You know, I'd really love to f**k your brains out, but it appears someone
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beat me to it.
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Excuse me, do you live around here often?
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Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab
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home together?
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Would you like to see a baby picture of me?
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(Shows the girl the picture of a baby better endowed that most men.)
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Hello, Love, - Do you spit or swallow?
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You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book...
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So what's one more??
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Hey babe -- did you know I'm on the Harvard Mailing List?
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Your place, or mine?
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What's your sign?
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Nice shoes. Wanna f**k?
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Would you like to have morning coffee with me?
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Excuse me, do you wanna spoon or should I apologize?
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You have the ass of a great artist.
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FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS:
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1: MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE IN THE FRONT OF THE PERSON WHO YOU'RE TRYING
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TO ATTRACT.
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2: PUT YOUR HANDS IN A VERTICAL PLANE AND SEPERATE YOUR HANDS TO THE PROPER
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DISTANCE YOU WANT TO GET ACROSS
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3: LOOK AT THE PERSON OF YOUR AFFECTIONS AND WITH A SHIT EATING-EAR TO
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EAR GRIN SHAKE YOUR HEAD UP AND DOWN AS TO REPLY THAT YOU'RE THIS
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BIG!
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There's the old classic from the movie Fletch:
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(to girl in towel): Excuse me, could I borrow your towel? My car just
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hit a water buffalo.
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Your face or Mine??
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Her: What do you think of this (dress, sweater, article of clothing)?
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Him: I like nothing better.
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The best pickup line I witnessed was a friend of mine who walked up to
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a young lady in a club and asked "Are you ready to go home now?". They left
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together.
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Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
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That's a nice dress - could I talk you out of it?
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If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold _IT_ against me?
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When asked for a match:
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How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs?
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Take off that dress and f**k my brains out you cave newt.
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Nice tits. Mind if I feel them?
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I love you. I want to marry you. Now f**k my brains out.
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Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.
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Let's take a shower together --you smell.
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I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade
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Kiss me you fool, f**k me you harlot.
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I've got an itch, honey. Lower. lower. in. out.
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If I was Elvis, would you screw me?
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I want to thank you for [insert any event here], Grab your ankles bitch!
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Wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess
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your weight.
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If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me.
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Want to see my stamp collection?
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Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't
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floppy.
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I wanna floss with your pubic hair.
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I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler?
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I'd look good on you.
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Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you
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knew...
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At the dinner table, (if you eat together) pickup the bread and say,
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"Wanna roll?"
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Excuse me, have I fu**ed you yet?
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I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I've got more of something else.
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Ever tried those wierd prickly condoms?" (sure to get responses)
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Funny you should mention that, I was a gynecologist once.
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Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts)
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Ya' know, that outfit would look great on my bedroom floor.....
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"Actually, Ma'am, Ah'm not as tall as you think. Ah'm from Taixus, and Ah'm
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sittin' on mah wallet."
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Hey! Ya wanna try out my new 'Home Artificial Insemination Kit?'
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I would kill or die to make love to you.
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I would die happy if I saw you naked just once.
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I am writing a new algorithm, and I need some test data. What are your
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measurements?
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I have some hard code I want to try your compiler on.
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Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines
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10. "I'm down here"
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9. "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy"
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8. "I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi"
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7. "I can get you off the naughty list"
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6. "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys"
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5. "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra."
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4. "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over
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at Keebler"
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3. "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man"
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2. "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig"
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1. "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners"
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-- Late Night with David Letterman, from Michael Wertheim
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Sometimes it can be helpful to start with a complement. eg. after
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"accidently" bumping her boobs, noticing a loose button, etc. say
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"If they weren't sooo large it wouldn't have happened"
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Sex is a killer ... so die happy!
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I love every bone in your body - especially mine
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"Hey... somebody farted. Let's get out of here."
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"Say, Didn't we go to different high schools at the same time?"
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The most common pick-up line used in a gay bar:
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"May I push in your stool?"
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I have only three months to live (heard it in a movie ...
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of course, this was all before AIDS)
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Chicks dig me; I wear colored underwear.
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Excuse me, is it true that you're a sexual tyrannosaurus?
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I'm a copilot for American Airlines.
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Hi, I make more money than you can spend.
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That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed.
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Nice shoes, wanna screw?
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Want to go get a pizza and then screw?
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Excuse me... do you have change for a $100 bill?
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Hi! Can I buy you a Car?
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NOW, B*TCH!
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Fancy a f**k?
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My face is leaving in 15 minutes. Be on it.
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Lines by women:
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-- Please may I rest my head on your shoulder?
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-- Do you know how to use this? [a vibrator]
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-- How about a night of passion in Doncaster?
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He: "What was that?"
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She: "What was what?"
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He: "That sound."
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She: "I didn't hear anything."
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He: "It was the sound of my heart breaking."
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There's always Harlan Ellison's great failure:
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Q: Wha'dya say to a little f**k?
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A: Go away, little f**k.
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How about the best response to an unwanted pickup?
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Man: So what do you do for a living?
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Woman: Female impersonator.
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You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across.....
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-----------end of list-------------
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