137 lines
7.2 KiB
Erlang
137 lines
7.2 KiB
Erlang
Subject: 99 Excuses For Skipping Out Of Work Early
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99 Excuses For Skipping Out Of Work Early
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1. My kids are locked outside.
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2. My kids are locked inside.
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3. My kids are stuck in the door.
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4. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.
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5. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha bake cookies -- she's much
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better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who
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came to see her when she thought she was dying.
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6. The Water Department has to read my meter once a year and this was
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the only time they would come.
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7. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the
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only time they would come.
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8. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards
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on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about
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whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.
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9. My daughter is graduating from high school and I'd like to go to
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the ceremony.
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10. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I'd like to go to the
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ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).
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11. I have to pick up my car at the shop; if I don't get there in half
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an hour it'llbe locked up all weekend.
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12. I have to get my car to the shop; if I don't get it there in half
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an hour it'll be locked out all weekend. (Don't use if boss seems
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wide awake).
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13. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
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14. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
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15. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.
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16. My truss snapped.
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17. My support hose popped.
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18. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.
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19. I'm arranging financing for a house.
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20. I'm arranging financing for a car.
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21. I'm arranging financing for a beef roast.
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22. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the
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only time they could deliver it.
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23. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this
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was the only time they could deliver it.
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24. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think
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this is the time it's being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse
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that can't be used by just anybody. But if it's close to accurate,
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it's extremely effective.
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25. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.
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26. I'm being sent to the moon by NASA.
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27. It's Dayton's Warehouse Sale.
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28. My back aches.
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29. My stomach aches.
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30. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than "I have a hangover,"
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especially if offered in the early afternoon.)
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31. My biological clock is ticking.
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32. I have to take my biological clock in for service.
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33. My furnace won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.
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34. My central air conditioning won't stop running, and the goldfish
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are getting freezer burn.
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35. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won't stop running.
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The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.
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36. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.
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37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.
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38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister's mother.
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39. I have to take my mother to the doctor.
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40. I have to take my minister to the doctor.
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41. I have to take my doctor to my minister.
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42. I think I left the iron on.
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43. I think I left the water on.
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44. I think I left the refrigerator on.
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45. I'm getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.
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46. I'm getting married, and I have to take a blood test.
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47. I'm getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.
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48. I have to have my waistband let out.
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49. I have to have my watchband let out.
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50. I have to have my son's rock band let out.
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51. I'm having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so
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I won't be able to work afterwards.
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52. I'm having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so
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I won't be able to work afterwards.
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53. I'm having my hats checked this noon, and I'll be having a drop or
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two so I won't be able to work afterwards.
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54. I'm having a root canal.
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55. I'm having a tax audit.
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56. I'm going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile. (Is that
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beating a dead horse?)
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57. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification.
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58. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than
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$100,000 in any one federally insured institution.
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59. I need to break into my kid's piggy bank while he's not home.
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60. I have to renew my driver's license.
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61. I have to get new license plates.
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62. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty
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bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny
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problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions. THEN
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I have to breeze by and renew my driver's license and get new
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license plates.
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63. I've got an urgent session with my therapist.
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64. I've got a really urgent session with my therapist.
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65. I've ... I ... I'm not ... I don't ... I CAN'T COPE WITH THIS!!
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66. I have to get my contact lenses fitted.
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67. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted.
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68. I have to get my big toe calibrated.
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69. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town.
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70. My rheumatism is acting up; there's going to be a terrible tornado.
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71. My arthritis is acting up; there's going to be a terrible blizzard.
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72. The pharaoh is acting up; there's going to be a terrible rain of
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frogs.
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73. I need to give blood.
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74. I need to give evidence.
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75. I need to give up.
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76. I'm going to my best friend's engagement party.
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77. I'm going to my best friend's wedding.
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78. I'm going to my best friend's divorce. (We all knew it wouldn't
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last; at the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.)
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79. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return.
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80. I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don't pay them I'm
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going to be arrested.
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81. The police are at the back door. Cover me.
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82. I'm having my nails done.
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83. I'm having my colors done.
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84. I'm having my head examined.
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85. I'm going to the bank.
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86. I'm going to sleep.
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87. I'm going over the edge.
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88. A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital.
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89. A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor.
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90. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo.
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91. I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer.
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92. I need to check into a rest home.
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93. I'm breaking in my shoes.
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94. I'm breaking up with my boyfriend.
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95. I'm breaking out.
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96. I have to pick up my dry cleaning.
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97. I have to pick out a car.
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98. I have to pick on my kids.
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99. Salman Rushdie is coming in to talk about his idea for a book on
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Christian fundamentalists. I thought I'd go to a ball game instead.
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