130 lines
5.1 KiB
Plaintext
130 lines
5.1 KiB
Plaintext
Article 3430 of news.misc:
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>From: kinzler@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu (Stephen Kinzler)
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Subject: The Usenet Oracle is now available!
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Date: 8 Oct 89 00:37:09 GMT
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
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Your question was:
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> How many Mountain Dews will I drink in my life?
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And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
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} Well, let me put it this way. If we stack all the cans one atop
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} another, the stack would reach to the Moon and back 36 times! Believe
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} it or not! You will pass enough sweetly carbonated fluid to fill Hoover
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} Dam with enough left over for an Olympic-sized swimming pool or two. My
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} God, Man! Consider your actions! Think about the environment and all
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} that stuff!
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The oracle has pondered your question deeply.
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Your question was:
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> While walking home today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. A block
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> further, I found a nickel. Another block further, I found a dime. Yet
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> another block further, I found a Krugerand. Is there any significance
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> to this?
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And in response, thus spake the oracle:
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} YOU FASCIST WHITE-SUPREMACIST APARTHEID LOVING RACIST! Put that
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} Krugerand back, or else go back to South Africa where you belong!!!! If
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} you can't tell the difference between good ol' Mom's Apple Pie [TM]
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} Yankee money and racist forgeries, you shouldn't be allowed outside your
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} playpen. (This is the long answer.)
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} Short answer: No.
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You owe the oracle 3 minutes of life.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The oracle has pondered your question deeply.
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Your question was:
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> Oh, great oracle! What doest thou do with thy newt's eyes?
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And in response, thus spake the oracle:
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} Everybody! Follow the bouncing ball ...
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}
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} Oh! A newt's eye is a wonderful thing,
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} It makes you laugh, it makes you sing,
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} If you don't like the news I bring,
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} Better go consult the I Ching.
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You owe the oracle 4 years of slavery.
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The oracle has pondered your question deeply.
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Your question was:
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> Why does it seem like everyone else in the whole world is crazy?
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And in response, thus spake the oracle:
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} The basic axioms here are:
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} (1) Sane people think that sane people are sane, and that crazy people
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} are crazy.
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} (2) Crazy people think that sane people are crazy, and that crazy
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} people are sane.
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} And our premise is:
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} (3) You think that everybody else is crazy.
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} This leads us inexorably to one of two conclusions. Either
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} (A) You are sane, everybody else is crazy. Or
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} (B) You are crazy, everybody else is sane.
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} To decide between these, we note the empirical observation:
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} (4) I am sane.
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} Therefore: you are crazy, everybody else is sane.
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You owe the oracle 2 cases of root beer.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
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Your question was:
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> What are those little "crumblies" on the bottom of an English Muffin,
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> and why the hell are they there in the first place?!?
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And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
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} Well, I'm glad someone finally asked. Now I get to expose one of the
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} most diabolical conspiricies of all time! These little "crumblies", as
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} you so cutely call them, are actually the cocoons of tiny, genetically
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} engineered parasites that, once you eat enough of them, invade your
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} brain cells, especially the centers for speech and propriety, and make
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} you start spelling words with extra letters and driving on the wrong
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} side of the road.
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------------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The Usenet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
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Your question was:
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> O Mighty Oracle, please do enlighten me ...
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>
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> Three sailors get a hotel room for $30.00. ($10.00 apiece) The hotel
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> manager makes a mistake and gives them back $5. He sends the bell boy
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> up to their room with the $5. However, the bellboy is upset that he
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> didn't get a tip from the sailors, so he keeps $2 for his tip. He gives
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> the sailors the remaining three dollars. That means that the sailors
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> only paid $9 apiece for the room, and the bellboy got $2. That only
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> adds up to be $29. Where did the other dollar go?
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And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
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} It's lodged snugly and quite permanently in Candy's nasal cavity.
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}
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} You see, the sailors' call girl used it to snort some coke. In her
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} enthusiasm, she snorted the bill, too.
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}
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} The serial number of the bill is D67039973F. It's an `85 issue out of
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} Cleveland.
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}
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} The sailors missed their ship, and are now serving time in the stockade.
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}
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} The hotel manager's incompetance was interpreted as evidence of
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} embezzlement by upper management. He's currently on the run from the
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} FBI.
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}
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} Candy and the bellboy got together. With his $2 and her, uh, nose for
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} money, they compounded their assets into a small fortune in the penny
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} stock market and were last seen on the French Riviera.
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