104 lines
3.5 KiB
Plaintext
104 lines
3.5 KiB
Plaintext
From: pangolin@leland.stanford.edu
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Subject: Opens on Impact
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THE PARACHUTE PARADIGM:
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You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one
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parachute.
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Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die in the jump
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anyway.
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Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived jumps
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just like this before.
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Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
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Bureaucrat: you order them to conduct a feasibility study on parachute use
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in melti-engine aircraft under corde red conditions.
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Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping them sue the airline.
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Doctor: you tell them you need to run more tests, then take the parachute
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in order to make your next appointment.
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Sales executive: you sell them the parachute at top retail rates and get
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the names of their friends and relatives who might like one too.
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Internal Revenue Service: you confiscate the parachute along with their
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luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
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Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what they need is a neon
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parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.
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Engineer: you make them another parachute out of aisle curtains and
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dental floss.
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Scientist: you give them the parachute and ask them to send you a report
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on how well it worked.
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Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it
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will work in all cases.
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Philosophy: you ask how they know the parachute actually exists.
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English: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute instructions.
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Comparative Literature: you read the parachute instructions in all four
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languages.
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Computer Science: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute
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as well as a human being could.
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Economics: you plot a demand curve by asking them, at regular intervals,
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how much they would pay for a parachute.
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Psychoanalysis: you ask them what the shape of a parachute reminds them
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of.
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Drama: you tie them down so they can watch you develop the character of a
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person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
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Art: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
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Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell them to work hard
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and not expect handouts.
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Democrat: you ask them for a dollar to buy scissors so you can cut the
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parachute into two equal pieces.
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Libertarian: after reminding them of their constitutional right to have a
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parachute, you take it and jump out.
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Ross Perot: you tell them not to worry, since it wonUt take you long to
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learn how to fix a plane.
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Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to
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your health.
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Association of Tobacco Growers: you explain very patiently that despite a
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number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link
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whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.
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National Rifle Association: you shoot them and take the parachute.
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Police Bigot: you beat them unconscious with the parachute.
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Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is
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biodegradable.
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Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute,
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as the free market will take care of the other person.
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Branch Davidian (David Koresh): you get inside the parachute and refuse to
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come out.
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Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.
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Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works
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fine.
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-- Darrin McGraw
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-- pangolin@cardinal.stanford.edu
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