273 lines
16 KiB
Groff
273 lines
16 KiB
Groff
From davet@hrc63.co.uk Tue Jul 4 08:45:38 1989
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From: davet@hrc63.co.uk (Dave Thorpe)
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Subject: Nigel the Hedgehog, chapters 8 and 9
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The Saga of Nigel the Hedgehog
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Chapter VIII
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~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Authors: Chapters I - VII >
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Kelvin > Chris > Aktar > Pete > Gary > Kelvin > Chris > Pete
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> Gary > Aktar
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Nigel did not need to sit and think for long. He was used to VERY long
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cylinders covered in vaseline (but thats another story). He quickly
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removed his right boot and slipped his hand down to the toe end, pulling out
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a hot-air burner and a huge canvas that he always kept for these occasions.
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"Pooh, pretty cheesy!", Nigel held his nose, he had forgotten about his
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super toes and their ability to stink the place out. He held the burner up
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in the air with his right hand and waved the balloon-like canvas with the
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other, remembering to pick up his boot as he took off. Up, up in the air he
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floated singing suitably jolly hedgehog songs as he ascended. Nigel steered
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the balloon with his feet by swivelling them one way or the other. When he
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was directly above the awesome castle he let go of his canvas, dropped the
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burner and fell gracefully onto the point of a flag-pole on which the
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evil overlord's fearsome flag flew freely from. "Ow!" cried our hero as in
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agony he leapt off the flag-pole and onto the turret of the highest tower.
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He peered over the edge and suddenly remembered one of his great weaknesses,
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he was terrified of heights! As his legs turned to jelly he felt himself...
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all over to make sure he was alright. Then he stepped off the ledge, after all,
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as he said to himself, 'I might have been frightened, but I am a hero'. The
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tower top was deserted, only a trapdoor in the floor led down ( Well, I say
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trapdoor, it sounds a bit medieval, it was actually a sunroof, made of glass,
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and a little cracked ). He opened it ( It smashed behind him as the cracks took
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their toll ), and climbed into the darkened musty depths ( of a well lit and
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ventilated room ). Nigel began to fear that his imagination was running away
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with him, and was sure when he saw, in his minds eye, himself running away with
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an imaginary imagination ( What does an imaginary imagination look like ?, it's
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hard to describe, use your imagination ). He pulled himself together ( He
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felt, literally ), and set off down what passed for a corridor ( it seemed like
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a giant sewage pipe, leading, in that amazing way your imagination knows, into
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oblivion ). He saw a huge, ugly growth in the side of the pipe, sorry,
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corridor , on it hung ( by a noose ) a notice. It read :
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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| Hallucinogenic Projector |
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| Do not believe everything you see |
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-------------------------------------------------------------------------
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'Is this the real world, is this just fantasy ... ', Nigel seemed to hear the
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words of the Queen song ringing in his ears ....
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Nigel used his "do not start shitting yourself in all situations" power
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to walk past the sign on the noose without shitting himself as he
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has been doing all too frequently. Unfortunately he was so preoccupied
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with getting past the Projector he missed the army of Soldier Gonads
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advancing towards him in an oppressingly military fashion, tripped
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over them and fell into a stagnant, stenching pot of fresh .... ( NO not mince)
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Then the Projector changed its tune ( it has a built in jukebox as well )
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but Nigel didn't realise what was happening and found himself nostalgicall
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in a four poster bed with Nancy , Goney-babes Wizard-man, Ronny, and a pillow.
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He was just about to pull out his pack of ribbed-extralarge-frillybitsontheend-
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Mates-.....
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when....
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he snapped out of this boring idea and pulled out his anti-hallucinogenic pills
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>from his utility belt and swiftly gulped down two with extraordinary skill.
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Nigel continued down the corridor until he came to a low door-way, but
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there was ample room for our super-hero to walk com4tably through it.
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As he entered the huge medi-eval ish courtyard in front of him Nigel
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could hear cheers and happy cries echoing off the lofty walls around him.
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He began to walk around the court-yard, this time obeying the many
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"KEEP OFF THE GRASS" signs. As Nigel approached a large arch-way the
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wails of laughter intensified, his imagination was running wild -
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thinking about what could be behind the huge wooden gates of the arch-way.
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The gates were guarded by two towers either side. A spiral staircase ran
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up to one. Nigel promptly galloped up the stairs, killed the two
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(undoubtedly ignorant) guards in the Watchtower with two neat
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james_bond_would_be_proud_of rabbit punches. Then he crossed over into
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the other linked tower, over the arch. Here he found a large wooden
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lever with the words "PULL ME" scrawled across it. Nigel was
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unsurprising sceptical about this but pulled the lever anyway ... shhhhcreeek
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... the huge ancient wooden doors beneath him opened hydraulically. Nigel
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sprinted down the stairs and to his amazement, the open arch-way
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revealed ...
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The vastly obese figure of Dingo Skidneys, Nigel's boss from MI5, strapped down
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on a medieval rack being stretched while a saucy sheep whipped him with a wet
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lettuce leaf. "Aha, there you are, Nigel. At last!" shouted Dingo, after he had
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finished screaming with a strange mixture of agony and ecstasy. "Isn't it
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about time that you got back to pursuing your goal? I don't pay you for
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nothing, you know." Nigel backed out obsequiously and removed a slip of
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paper from his utility belt, this was the outline of his mission. It said:
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*******************************************************************************
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* *
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* *
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* *
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* ONE POUND OF BANANAS *
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* *
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* A LOAF OF CUT GRANARY BREAD *
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* (with no added preservative) *
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* *
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* SEVEN GALLONS OF MILK *
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* *
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* *
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* *
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*******************************************************************************
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Oh no, our superhero had the wrong piece of paper!
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Well, it looked like a trip to the supermarket was in order. Nigel swiftly left
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the castle ( in the unopposed way that is so easy to manage on a sidetrack from
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the plot ), and headed for the shops. He managed easily to find the Milk and
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Banana's, although, naturally, the shopping trolley was hard to cope with, as
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usual. However, the Granary Bread was harder to find. It could be found in many
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forms, but only uncut bread was available without preservatives, so he got a
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loaf of that instead. On return to the castle, Nigel found Dingo in the same
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situation, although with slightly greater ecstasy and agony. Dingo commented,
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'Well Nigel, you have proved your worth once again, not many hedgehogs would
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have used their own intelligence and bring me an alternative loaf like that,
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very well done. Now, having shown your brilliance, this is what you must do,
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defeat the overlord. If you lean closer, I will tell you what to do ....
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Nigel didn't think it would be this easy, and it isn't. The skill that
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The Grand Wizard Testicle of Chaos had given him was accidently used and
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he teleported to a much more interesting location. Hmm, he thought as he
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scanned the seas around himself, "I seem to be in the middle of the
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ocean on an inflatable bed with only one person for company. The GRAND
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WIZARD himself. "hello Nigel, I see you have used my power", spake the wizard.
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"er, yes but it would be really quite helpfull if I went back to where I
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came from as I was about to be told what to do.", explained Nigel,
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desperate that he may be missing a vital part of the plot. "Oh, very
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well then", said Wiz'. Kerbam! He was back with his boss who was saying
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"......and that my friend is all there is to it. Now run along will you
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and get on with it." The door shut and Nigel was alone again in the Castle.
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Where would he go and what would he do?
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As Nigel stared at the huge doors in-front of him he spotted small sign
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just to the right of the gate. As he approached, he read the sign with
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disbelief :
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*************************************
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* *
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* TO THE OVERLORD'S OFFICE ------> *
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* *
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*************************************
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The sign pointed to tower in the corner of the court-yard. As Nigel
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reached the landing at the top of the stone stairway of the tower he
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was faced with a carved wooden door, tatooed with grotesque seemingly
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chaotic creatures, mutated orcs,goblins,hob-goblins,nob-goblins,wheelers,
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ogres' heads,trolls, and nilbogs. Anyway enough of fantasy. Nigel
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reached for his utility belt pulling out an old 2nd. World War cold black
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luger - even super-heros had spending budgets. Nigel stealthely crept
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towards the door, then took two paces back and charged towards the door.
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SMACK ... his small hedgehog-like frame caused no damage whatsoever on
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the solid oak door. Instead Nigel thought he should try a different
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ploy ... KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK ...
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"Who's there?", was the reply from the other side as could be expected. "Nigel"
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replied our hero using his o-so-sexy let's have a chortle skill ( one of many
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in his repertoire ). "Nigel who??", was the reply from a rather agitated
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being whose voice was almost recognisable. "Nigel my hair every morning",
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came the super-witty, piece-de-resistance, line which he had been saving
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up to use all his life. Well, did he chortle or did he CHORTLE?
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He rolled about the floor smashing into the oak door on numerous occasions,
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rolled down one of those open gutters, down through the sewage pipes, up
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backwards past the towers, through a skylight, bounced off some sheep in
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wolf's clothing, and landed back in front of an open oak door. There
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stood the overlord staring at this extremely dubious round prickly thing,
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whilst playing with...
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-=*=-
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The Saga of Nigel the Hedgehog
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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Chapter IX
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~~~~~~~~~~
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Path: Chapters I - VIII >
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Gary > Pete > Kelvin > Chris
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As The Overlord towered above our super-hero Nigel could see all the way
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up his kilt. The Overlord was dressed in full Scottish dress
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and Nigel now knew what was worn underneath kilts, not a pretty sight,
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were all main characters always hung like blue whales Nigel wondered.
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Suddenly The Overlord bellowed, "Seize him men".
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Two short stout men wearing horizontally striped black and white jerseys,
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black flannel trousers, and silly-looking berets darted from behind The
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Overlord towards Nigel. Nigel's reactions weren't quick enough this time
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as his eyes were still fixed upon The Overlord's love-gun. The Overlord's
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two powerful assistants over-powered him and promptly tied his paws securely
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with strong rope. Our tied and gagged hero was then carried down a spiral
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staircase into a dimly lit cellar. The cellar was littered with weird
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and wonderful(or so thought Nigel) gadgets and contraptions. Nigel
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naturally assumed that they were products from "Second Skin" but then he
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realised that he was in a huge torture chamber - which was used for its
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original purpose. Nigel was then tied to a large bench, his arms
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fastened above him and his legs, apart, fastened below him. Then to his
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horror a huge rotating circular saw started to make its way towards Nigel's
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wedding-tackle. The Overlord then entered the cellar with a broad, evil
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smile on his face ...
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Nigel was worried, not unnaturaly. As the gonad removing equipment came towards
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our hero, inch by creeping inch, the massive tungsten diamond tip blades
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making a terrible howl as they whirled through the air the Overlord
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gloated over our prickly friend in this prickly predicament. The Overlord
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started to tell our hero all about his plans for world dominmation by replacing
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peoples gonads with genetically altered sheep/gonads and controlling
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thier minds from below. He also said (angrily) that the rampant gonads
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Nigel had encountered during the plot were left over from this master
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plan, you see he had carried this plan out some years ago and it had
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been fully successful, men were controlled by thier gonads and he had
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power over the world. Unfortunately it had seemed to females that men
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had always been controlled by thier lunch-boxes, so nobody even noticed
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that they were now under the power of the overlord. I mean he had been
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making men screw up the political situation for years, we were at the
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brink of nuclear war and destruction of the planet, people daily ran
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over hedgehogs, but nobody gave a fuck. Well actually that is just about
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all they ever got round to these days, and everyone was really quite
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happy about it. Except of course the hedghogs who bore the brunt of it
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by being squashed flat on the roads. The Overlord had long since given
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up on humans as a lost cause and left them to it (yes I do mean it like
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that) and had decided that the most intelligent and influencial race on
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the Earth was (yes you've guessed it) HEDGHOG. This gaining of knowledge
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enlightened Nigel but he was still about to lose his precious meat-and-two-veg,
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how could he get out of this one?
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Nigel writhed desperately, his super brain running through all the possible
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escape routes. "Hmm, if I could only pull a super strong spine out this
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scenario would be no problem", Nigel thought aloud, rather conveniently.
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He twisted his head around and, just in the nick of time, removed a
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particularly vicious looking needle from his back and blew it at the
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saw. The needle jammed into the saw's axle. This was more than the
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ancient machinery could tolerate and with a huge walloping, banging sort
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of sound the whole caboodle exploded sending Nigel flying through the air
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and out through the closed doors like a bullet. Amazingly enough...
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He flew into a room he had not previously encountered ( Not very suprising -
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having only seen the cellar ), in which stood, on a massive plinth, in the very
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centre of the room, a control pedestal. Landing, rather uncom4tably ( He got up
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and actually had to brush himself down ! ), Nigel found himself at the base of
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the plinth. Climbing up to the pedestal, Nigel found it had lots of controls
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and screens, for controlling gonads worldwide. There was also a big red button,
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with don't press this written beside it. At this moment the Overlord walked in,
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followed by his lackies, carrying sub-machine guns. 'Get down from there !' he
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shouted, and motioned to his men to open fire. As Nigel ducked behind the
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console, the air about him was filled with lead. Hesitantly, Nigel reached up
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to the controls ( Miraculously, the whole pedestal seemed unharmed ), and hit
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the red button. The pedestal glowed yellow, then red, the white, then blue with
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pink blotches, and then exploded in firey splendor. Nigel was propelled by the
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force of the blast, straight out of the window, and high into the air. Luckily,
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Nigel was wearing his gyrocopter backpack ( Why was that not mentioned
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earlier ? ), and flew gracefully off, away from the overlords castle, which
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exploded in a chain reaction, leaving only a massive crater, and a vague head
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shape in the smoke. Nigel seemed to hear words floating in the air, 'The World
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Shall Hear From Me Again'. At last men were free from control by their gonads,
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Nigel thought, as he flew into the sunset ...
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... but over the world, things continued all the same !
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-=*=-
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