textfiles/humor/nigel.6

From davet@hrc63.co.uk Mon Jun 12 17:01:43 1989
From: davet@hrc63.co.uk (Dave Thorpe)
Subject: Nigel the Hedgehog, Chapter six (long)


		    The Saga of Nigel the Hedgehog	
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
			      Chapter VI
			      ~~~~~~~~~~

Authors: Chapter I > Chapter II > Chapter III > Chapter IV > Chapter V >
      Pete > Aktar > Chris > Gary > Dave > Pete > Chris


Nigel walked to his car, wondering if he would ever be able to forget
Nancy, reluctantly got into his car, for he knew that the lives of
his prickly friends back home depended on the successfull reaching
of his goal. As he sped down the road he clung lovingly to the negligee
for emotion support, nothing really seemed to matter anymore, should he
bother to carry on his quest when the one he loved waited for him to
return. After about an hour he was able to let go of the garment and
shoved it in the glove compartment, shoving the used jonnies out of the way.
"How will I continue with my goal without my Nancy?", he sobbed.
Something stirred in the back of the car, Nigels super senses were alerted.
He turned to see a shape rising from behind the red leather seats.
It was a woman in a nurses outfit with no underwear (Nigel of course had
X-Ray vision) "NANCY!!!!", he exclamed with passionate joy. He pulled the
car over into the LAY-by and leapt into the back with Nancy and set about
the business. " Carefull not to stain the read leather seats!", gasped
Nancy, "Sod em!! And don't talk with your mouth full", replied Nigel.
As Nigel enjoyed this welcome break from his mission he was little
aware of who was watching him from a black limo' a few hundred yards behind
him......

The black limo sauntered up to the Road-hog, the two people totally mesmerised
by the resonating rocking motion that the car had been undergoing these past
few minutes ( sorry hours - it would never do if our hero was finished 
prematurely now would it?? - damn this is getting incredibly implicative and
rather dirty ) and they couldn't understand what could possibly be going on
in there. That is basically because villains are always thick sods with 
striped shirts and loot bags. Anyway both partners were totally knackered
not to mention naked at the end of all this and eventually climbed out
>from deep inside the wonderfully plush (not so plush any more) leather
seat only to be held at strychnine-gunpoint by the two villains. Nigel lashed 
out for his utility belt - it wasn't on him. For not the first time in his 
highly adverturous life Nigel froze. "Help", wimpered Nancy as the 
apparent kidnappers moved in...

Nigel sat, thinking of how easily he could disarm these thugs and escape, but
he thought that he would wait to find out who had hired them. He tried to 
scratch an itch, but his hands were tied. When the car finally arrived at it's
destination, Nigel was forced out of the car, grabbing the ulitity belt as he
did so. He was brought into a huge room, with, at the far end an occupied
chair, in front of a bright light. Nigel could not make out the identity of the
occupant, but he saw a hand dismiss him from the room. Before he was locked
into the cell, Nigel was searched, but the thug somehow missed seeing the 
packed belt ( Why do evil overlords never use bright men, this one was so dull
that even a day's polish with brasso wouldn't give him a shine ! ). When the
guard's back was turned Nigel examined his belt. He tried to find his skeleton
keys, but remembered they had been animated by an evil necromancer, his lock-
picks were dropped into the canal after a particularly unsuccessful play on
words. Ever resourceful, Nigel pulled out one of his own spines to pick the 
lock with. As he tried the door, he discovered it was open anyway ( where do
they get them from ? ), and set about dealing with the guard. The guard, 
spinning around impressively ( So that was why he was hired, he did that spin
very well ! ), to confront Nigel. Nigel pulled a gun, and pressed the trigger.
A bright red flag, with BANG written on it emerged. He drew a knife, and 
stabbed the guard, but it was a telescopic, stage knife. He tried to garotte
the guard, but the string broke. He drew a sword, but it was a rubber one. He
pulled out a poison bottle, but it contained aspirin. His blowpipe had been
converted back into a pen. By this time the guard was rolling about on the 
floor in paroxisms of laughter, and then had a heart attack from the exertion.
Nigel and Nancy escaped.

Well not escaped exactly. Although they were safe from the clutches of
the dim-witted guard (or should it be plural?) they still had to find
out who was the overlord, and why did want to stand in the way of
Nigel's goal ?
"phewwwwwwwwwww, that was close" Nigel muttered as he and Nancy climbed
over a small brick wall. My god, Nancy had beautiful legs Nigel thought
as she stradled the wall with ease. He wanted another back-seat
session with his steamy seductress, ney he must find out who was behind
this fiendish hedgehog/sheep-nap. (By the way, what kind of creature is 
Nancy anyway - sheep seems familiar). But Nigel supposed there was just about
time for a quickie. He manfully tugged Nancy by her slender (for a
sheep) wrists toward an inconspicuous bush. Next to the bush was a small sign
with the order, "NO BONKING", printed upon it. Nigel had no time for
such trivial notices. As they went behind the bush Nancy tore off her
clothes (scarce though they were), instantaneously randy. Nigel lay on
his back, undid his utility belt and welcomed Nancy's warm (a bit to
warm at climax), heaving body. Then as they began exchanging bodily
fluids the earth did move, literally, as a trap door beneath them opened
sending them swirling spiralitically(?) down  ...  Nigel would take more
notice of small signs next to inconspicuous bushes in the future ! cor
what a pisser ... 

Nigel was now plunged into darkness. He could see nothing, feel nothing,
touch nothing or hear nothing. Fortunately, he could still smell and took
a deep breath - it smelt just like a dark room! After a few minutes, he
came back to his senses and a bright light shone from before him. He saw
the silluette of two sheep(s) standing up, arm in arm. As his eyes re-
adjusted to the bright light, he noticed one of the sheep was Nancy!

He cried out for Nancy but she was too engrossed with this other 'alien'
sheep. Then the other sheep spoke and told him that Nancy was his - she
had just lured Nigel to this place. Nancy comfirmed this and told Nigel she
had never loved him - and thought he had as much sexual stimulation as a
golf ball. Nigel had been betrayed! They shut the door, locked it and walked
away, laughing. Nigel was left there in this deep, dark cellar all alone.

Nigel was hurt, not only was he a super-hedgehog, but he had never had a
complaint about his amazing sexual prowess before. In fact words such as
"Big-Boy", "Hung like a Blue-Whale", "More staying power than Mr Jack
Staying-Power McStaying-Power, the man with the most Staying_Power in 
Staying-Power Land" and the best thing to happen to women since the
diesel powered vibrator. He fastened his utility belt and walked
slowly to the door, disheartened as all that he valued had been false.
Was it worth going on? He then realised that this is exactly what the
overlord wanted him to think, to make him give up his goal and wallow in
self pity. He was more of a man than that (well more of a hedgehog) and
would rise above it. Now, even more determined to beat the overlord and
save his prickly friends back home, he strode to the door, looked at
his utility belt and selected a junior hacksaw. Using his "Saw like
buggery" skill he deftly reduced the door to a large pile of wood shavings.
He left the room and walked stealthely down the brushed aluminium corridor,
past many unmarked doors, he reached the end of the passage, a T junction,
there was a sign:
------------------------------------------------------------------------
|       ++ 	++	+++++ 	+++	++   ++      ++   +++++++++    |
|      +  +    +  +     +   +    +     +  +   +      +        +        |
|      +       +  +     ++++     +     +      +      +        +        |
|      + ++    +  +     + +      +     + ++   ++++++++        +        |
|      +  +    +  +     +  +     +     +  +   +      +        +        |
|       ++      ++      +   +   +++     ++   ++      ++       +        |
------------------------------------------------------------------------
Would he follow it or would he again ignore a sign and go left?

Well, so what to do, Right, Left or straight ahead. Straight ahead was ruled
out, brick walls are fairly sturdy. Was the sign a good idea or a bluff, or a
double bluff, or a treble bluff, or what ! Pulling a coin out of his money belt
( a subsection of his utility belt ), he threw it in the air, heads for left, 
tails for right. It came down heads ( Not suprising for a double-headed coin,
well you didn't think Nigel would obey signs did you ! ), and Nigel turned
left. He followed the passage until it came out of a hidden entrance, on a 
hill. All he had to do was to lead an army of hedgehogs up here to storm the
evil overlord, he almost started to buckle his swash, when he realised he was
daydreaming again. Then he was it, a sign saying ....
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
|			Overlords secret laboratory			|
|									|
|			     Keep out by order				|
|									|
|	Nasty things going on, but you could always look through	|
|		the keyhole, even if the door does have 		|
|			15000000000 locks !				|
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
He couldn't be dreaming now, he never liked James Bond !


				  -=*=-
Next part soon.
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