107 lines
4.2 KiB
Plaintext
107 lines
4.2 KiB
Plaintext
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A Model of Stupidity
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by Greg Borek
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Sir, sir! Don't run away! It's Ms. Stanley!
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(Oh no!) I know. Ms. Stanley from Modelling & Statistics, how could
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I forget you. Look, I'm just on my way...
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Now, sir, this will only take a minute. I wanted to describe our
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latest findings...
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Can this wait? I have to..., um, get my nose polished. Call my
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secretary and we'll meet later this week.
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Sir, I've tried to set up a meeting with you but you always seem to
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be busy.
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(Sigh) Well,... you have my attention now. What is it?
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We in Modelling are really interested in our latest study...
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You in Modelling are always interested in your latest study. I can't
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help notice the level of enthusiasm in your department. My problem
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comes from the extremity and irrelevance of your results.
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You're not going to bring up the frogs again, are you, sir? We feel
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bad enough about that one already...
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Yes, the frogs. "Given the current rate of frog promiscuity we'll
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all be knee deep in frogs by 1992." Didn't quite happen that way,
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now did it?
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We use more sophisticated models now, sir. This sort of aberration
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shouldn't...
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Oh, OK, how about the meteors? "Meteors at least 1.8023 miles across
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will be striking the Earth in the Northern Hemisphere every 2.705
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months starting in June, 1988, causing the extinction of house cats
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as we know them."
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Yes, I admit we've been a little "off" in the past, but we now know
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how we went wrong on that one too. We are really confident that this
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latest study is really close to the mark.
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Alright, alright. What is it? I hope you've settled on something
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not quite as complicated. What is the topic?
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Human intelligence.
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Fine. (Pause) Write your conclusions to me in a memo and...
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No, sir, just listen. We have found some direct correlations between
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IQ and certain human behaviors.
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I would rather have my eyeballs sucked out by a goat and replaced
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with burning coals than listen to...
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Sir, I know some of these studies have been, well, a little dry...
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Aaagh!
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..but this one is not that bad. It's not complicated. And, besides,
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this has a direct impact on your employee hiring and evaluation
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process.
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(Sigh) Alright then, go ahead.
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Good. We've found that the following factors affect our model human
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IQ rating points by the following amounts:
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Hours of Gilligan's Island watched -.02 / hour watched
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Hours of Monty Python watched +.02 / hour watched
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Thinks that Windows is "neat" -5
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Casual SysOp -1
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Intense SysOp +5
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Went to Penn State -2
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Went to Penn State under the influence of alcohol +4
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Went to Carnegie-Mellon +5
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Went to Carnegie-Mellon without a scholarship -5
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Number of programming languages known = 1 +1
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(if that language is BASIC) -10
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Number of programming languages known > 1 +3 / language
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Voted for William Clinton -10
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Thinks Perot won debate with Gore -5
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Trivial Pursuit playing +.01 / card memorized
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Chess Playing (Elo rating above 1600) +5
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(Elo rating above 2000) +10
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(Elo rating above 2600) -10
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Can name any 5 of the Seven Dwarves +2
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Can name all 7 of the Seven Dwarves -3
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Can think of something other than elephants when
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told not to think about elephants +25
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Number of pairs of shoes over 5 pairs -2 / pair over 5
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Can name the 7 Deadly Sins +1
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Number of Sins attempted/successfully completed +1 / each sin
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...<thunk!>
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Sir? Sir! Are you all right? I wonder why he had that glazed look
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in his eyes right before he hit the floor? {RAH}
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--------------
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Greg Borek is a C programmer with a "Highway Helper" (OK, "Beltway
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Bandit" - but don't tell his boss we told you) in Falls Church, VA.
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He has previously been mistaken for a vampire. Netmail to: Greg
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Borek at 1:261/1129. Internet: greg.borek@rah.clark.net
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