282 lines
9.1 KiB
Plaintext
282 lines
9.1 KiB
Plaintext
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Vuarnet International Presents....
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WHY MEN AND WOMEN GET ALONG SO WELL
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-----------------------------------
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Continued research has disclosed new sex-linked traits in adult
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humans. Latest findings from our labs indicate the following dif-
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ferences which will help you to tell men and women apart in the dark
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without resorting to the sort of behavior that Miss Manners finds
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objectionable.
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Relationships:
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First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship -
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he refers to it as "that time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-
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regular basis". When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour
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her heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All
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Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life. A man has a
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little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:00
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a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, "I just wanted to let
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you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate
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you, and you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always
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a chance for us". This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken
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phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There are
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community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need;
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alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
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Making friends:
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A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few
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things
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together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
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A man will meet another man with common interests, do a few things to-
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gether, and say nothing. After years of interacting with this other
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man,
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sharing hopes and fears that he wouldn't confide in his priest or psych-
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iatrist, he'll finally let down his guard in a fit of drunken sentimen-
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tality and say something like, "You know, for someone who's such a jerk,
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I
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guess you're OK."
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Sex:
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The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every
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morn-
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ing, or maybe both if he's under 30. The average woman would like to
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have
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sex non-stop all weekend, once a month.
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Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45
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seconds
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of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the
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fore-
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play.
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Maturity:
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Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
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function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball
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cards and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high
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school romances rarely work.
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Handwriting:
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To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
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chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot
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their
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"i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in
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their
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"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even
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when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
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Bathrooms:
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A man has at most six items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, tooth-
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paste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the
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Holiday Inn.
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The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437.
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A
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man would not be able to identify most of these items.
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Groceries:
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A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store
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and buys these things. A man waits till the only items left in his
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fridge
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are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery
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shopp-
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ing. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the
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checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter that the Clampett's car on
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Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to
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the
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10-items-or-less lane.
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Going out:
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When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to go
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out.
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When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be ready to
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go
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out, as soon as she finds her other earring, finishes putting on her
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make-
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up...
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Cats:
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Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
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look-
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ing, men kick cats.
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Offspring:
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Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows
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about
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dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and
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favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely
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aware of some short people living in the house.
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Dressing up:
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A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the
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garbage answer the phone, red a book, get the mail. A man will dress up
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for: weddings, funerals.
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David Letterman:
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Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face of the
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Earth. Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
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haircut.
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Clothes:
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Men don't discard clothes. The average man still has the gym shirt
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he
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wore in high school. He thinks a jacket is "just getting broken in"
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about
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the time it develops holes in the elbows. A man will let new shirts sit
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on
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the shelf in their original packaging for a couple of years before
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putting
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them to use, hoping they'll become more comfortable with age.
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Women think clothes are radioactive, with a half-life of one year.
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They exercise precautions to avoid contamination by last year's
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fashions.
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Laundry:
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Women do laundry every couple of days. A man will wear every
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article
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of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip about
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eight
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years ago, before he will do the laundry. When he is finally out of
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clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul and
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take
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his mountain of clothes to the laundromat. Men always expect to meet
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beautiful women at the laundromat. This is a myth.
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Weddings:
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When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
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Men
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talk about "the bachelor party".
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Shoes:
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The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress
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shoes,
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boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the
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floor of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.
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Socks:
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Men wear sensible socks. They wear standard white sweatsocks.
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Women
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wear strange socks. They are cut way below the ankles, have pictures of
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clouds on them, and have a big fuzzy ball on the back.
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Nicknames:
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If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle get together for lunch,
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they
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will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle. But if Mike,
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Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer
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to
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each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut Brain and Useless.
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Eating:
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A woman will generally admire an ornate desert for the artistic
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work
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it is, praising its creator and waiting a suitable interval before she
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reluctantly takes a small sliver off one edge.
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A man will start by grabbing the cherry in the center.
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Car repair:
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The average man thinks his Y chromosome contains complete repair
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manuals for every car made since World War II. He will work on a
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problem
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himself until it either goes away or turns into something that "can't be
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fixed without special tools".
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The average woman thinks "that funny thump-thump noise" is an
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accurate
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description of an automotive problem. She will, however, have the car
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serviced at the proper intervals and thereby incur fewer problems than
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the
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typical male.
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Trust:
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The average woman would really like to be told if her mate is
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fooling
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around behind her back. This same woman wouldn't tell her best friend
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if
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she knew the best friends' mate was having an affair. She'll tell all
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her
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OTHER friends, however.
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The average man won't say anything if he knows that one of his
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friend's mates is fooling around, and he'd rather not know if his mate
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is
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having an affair either, out of fear that it might be with one of his
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friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though, so
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they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
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Driving:
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A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
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the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't
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keep
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him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's
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attempting
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to cut him off; freeway on-ramps are exciting challenges to see who has
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The
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Right Stuff on the morning commute. Does he or doesn't he? Only his
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body
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shop knows for sure. Insurance companies understand this behavior, and
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price their policies accordingly.
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A woman will slow down to let a car merge in front of her, and get
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rear-ended by another woman who was busy adding the finishing touches to
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her makeup.
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Shopping:
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It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all
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men.
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Men don't like to shop. If a man can't foist the job off on some woman,
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he
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will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition.
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He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in
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color Y in the correct size, which he doesn't know. Even then it takes
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him
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half an hour to get there from the entrance. When he's finally ac-
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complished his mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook.
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Women shop to relax.
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