1717 lines
95 KiB
Plaintext
1717 lines
95 KiB
Plaintext
Types of Real Trouble
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* Self-Destruction
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The old fashioned way to get into real trouble was by eating, drinking,
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taking drugs, getting diseases, and acting like a pig and a fool until you
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died. Today this is considered hopelessly poky and selfish. A clearly
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willful act of suicide in early youth is preferable, and more interesting to
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the public.
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You should consider the feelings of others before you commit suicide. Try
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to kill yourself in a public place. Climb up on a bridge or out on a window
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ledge so that crowds can gather and cheer your urge to jump. Let at least
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one policeman climb out after you before you leap. This is how they earn
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medals and promotions.
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If you are too shy or too afraid of heights for such a public exit, you
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can include others in your gesture by leaving a well-composed suicide note.
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Even better is to leave a number of notes addressed to different people,
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explaining how each of them was the principle cause of your despair. They'll
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be more flattered as to their importance than they would be if included in a
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general 'everybody hates me' sort of explanation.
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Guns are always the best method of private suicide. They are more stylish
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looking than straigh-edged razor blades and natural gas has gotten so expensive.
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Drugs are too chancy. You might miscalcuate the dosage and just have a good
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time. Or you might wind up in the hospital as a human vegetable, in which
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case you'll spend the rest of your life being pestered to become the head of
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a Federal regulatory agency.
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Some people favor committing suicide in the nude for additional shock
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value. But try to be honest with yourself about how your body looks naked.
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It's safer to wear something simple in white or light grey. Both go well with
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blood. And be sure to empty your bladder and your bowels before shooting
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yourself. Gore from a bullet wound is very impressive, but there is always an
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element of low comedy to excrement (as witnessed by the mention of it through
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out these posts...)
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There are times and places, of course, wehre it would be very bad manners to
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commit suicide.
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* Never commit suicide at someone else's funeral. This is stealing the
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show--much too pushy.
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* Try not to kill yourself in a way that will make you a martyr. The world
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does not need more hideous portraits painted on black velvet of the type seen
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depicting Martin Luther King, Jr., Jesus Christ, and John F. Kennedy.
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* Do not commit suicide to get back at your parents if they really DO
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despise you. You'll just be playing into their hands.
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* Young people should not commit suicide over thier college grades until
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their final exam scores have lowered the class curve.
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Next time: Killing others
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Major Pec... does your body good!
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Party Food
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If it is a real party, no one will care about food. Food may still be
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served, however, but strictly for it's amusement value.
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* Dog-Food Pate
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Don't tell anyone what's in it until everyone has had some.
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* Hors d'Drugs
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Getting the toothpicks into the Quaaludes is the tough part.
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* Anchovy Rolls in the Hay
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Scatter a tray full of anchovy rolls under the covers in a bed you know
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some couple is going to sneak off and get into.
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* Whale Caviar
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Actually it's goose eggs soft-boiled for one and a half minutes. What a
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mess.
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* Margarine
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The ideal party spread. Spread it on the guests. Doesn't go rancid as
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fast as real butter and the gooey sticks are more erotic than Crisco cans.
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* Pizza for Five Hundred
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With everything. Have it all delivered to Rita's house or someplace like
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that.
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* Raw Eggs
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Taste terrible but taste great in a food fight.
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* Bearded Clam Dip
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Best left to the imagination.
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* Spaghetti as Finger Food
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Secret is to use the microwave instead of boiling it.
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* Soup Nagasaki
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Put unopened cans of Campbell's soup into the oven at five hundred degrees
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and get out of there, fast.
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Next time: Where Babies Come from and where they should go.
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Keeping Men Cooperative
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It's important for women to resist the temptation to demand UNCONDITIONAL
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surrender from men. Men might get cranky. They might decide that it's better
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to rule in the bowling alleys and the duck blinds than serve in the House of
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Representatives, for example. And pro bowlers are poor alimony risks. On the
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other hand, Satan probably wouldn't have talked so big if God had been his
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WIFE. He would have been to busy getting brimstone out of there and installing
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air conditioning.
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So when you go on a date with a man, it's perfectly acceptable to make it
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clear that you are harder-working, more successful, and better paid than he is.
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But you should also realize that he needs to retain a measure of self-respect,
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which is why, no matter how much you're makaing, you should let him pay for
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everything.
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Women can also reassure men about their social roles by adhering to
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traditional forms of address. An unmarried man is called 'Mister,' and a
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married man is called in a high shrill voice five or six times a day on the
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telephone at work.
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Woman's Duty to Preserve Mankind
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Besides the selfish reasons for sparing men, there is another
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consideration. Men are part of earth's natural heritage. It would be a shame
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for the children to grow up without knowing what a man looks like, never
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witnessing the impressive bulk of an unshaved male lying on the couch with a
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beer and a cigarette in an undershirt and boxers, watching football, or seeing
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men only in zoos.
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Next Time: Advice for Modern Men
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"Here's to woman! Would that we could fall into their arms without falling
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into their hands." -- Ambrose Bierce
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MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
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Getting into Real Trouble
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In order to be perfectly correct, when you decide to get real trouble, you
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should make sure that it's you who gets killed or sent to jail. But
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etiquette is not as exacting on this point as it once was. Today it's often
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considered acceptable to have lots of people go to the grave or Leavenworth
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with you.
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You must still be careful about motive, however. It shouldn't look as
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though you need to cause trouble to attract attention. It's always rude to
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remind others of inadequacies, especially your own.
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And you should never cause trouble out of anger. If you are mad at someone
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and you shoot him, real trouble will result. But you'll also lose that
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person's friendship. The more courteous thing to do would be to slap him with
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a huge lawsuit. That way you'll enjoy the trouble and he'll enjoy the
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publicity. Thus the wheels of polite society are oiled.
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Nor should you ever create trouble for a 'cause'. Planting pipe bombs is
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no end of fun, but planting them in order, say, to free Croatia from Yugoslav
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political control looks to calculating. Also, having a cause gives others
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implite thoughts about how empty your life must be otherwise.
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Next time: Self-destruction
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Major Pec... does your body good!
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Modern Dating: Its Causes and Cures
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Dating is a social engagement with the threat of sex at its conclusion.
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Most dating results from lingering guilt about masturbation. Of course, no one
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feels religious or ethical guilt about masturbation anymore. But people do
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feel guilty for not being more successful. They believe that if they were more
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successful they would have someone to handle their genitals for them and would
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not have to do it themselves.
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Sophisticated people masturbate without compunction. They do it for
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reasons of health, privace, thrift, and because of the remarkable perfection of
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invisible sex partners. But, more important, they masturbate for philosophical
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reasons. It is an ethos of modern life that before you can love others, you
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must be able to love yourself. And what's love without sex?
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But people who are a sond of impressing others as they are of being
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impressed with themselves still feel compelled to have sexual 'relationships.'
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Naturally, if had at all, these relationships should be had according to the
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forms and usages of modern society.
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Who Should NOT Date?
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Polite dating is generally accepted by society, but there are some people
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who should refrain from doing it publicly.
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* People who have just received a clean bill of health on an AIDS
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antibody test (because half ofthe fun of modern dating is contained in the
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spectacle of two slight acquaintances trying to figure out polite ways to ask
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each other whether they perform anal sex with bisexual central African
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hemophiliac intravenous drug users.)
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* Recent widows or widowers should not take a date to the funeral.
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* It is impolite for old people to date because the rest of us are
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disgusted at the thought of them in bed together.
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Next Time: Meeting people and Making a Date
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MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
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Real Trouble
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Real trouble is not the same as acting up or being intentionally rude.
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Real trouble results in death or a long prison term.
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Nothing could be more modern or more mannerly than real trouble. It
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produces that rarest and most exquisite contemporary sensation--the polite
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thrill.
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The Lack of Polite Thrills in Modern Life
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With the elimination of social complexities, such as duty and virtue,
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modern life has come to be guided only by the pursuit of pleasure and the
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avoidance of pain. Thus humans have acheived the same natural perfection as
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wild beasts. But a price has been paid for this honest simplicity. Without
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the pricks of conscience or the obligations of rectitude to force us into
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dangers, our lives are no more thrilling than the lives of beetle larvae.
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Real trouble fixes this.
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If the lady next door roasts her child--preheating the oven to 550 degrees
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and placing the baby, fat side up, on a rack in an open pan, reducing the heat
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immediately to 350 degrees and cooking eighteen to twenty minutes per pound or
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until dead--numerous thrills are provided. There is the thrill of violent
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sensation (especially if you happen to open the oven door yourself). There is
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the thrill of importance as you carry the news to others. There is the thrill
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of creativity as you invent things about your neighbor to tell the press. And,
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most important, there is the ultimate, fabulous, and very polite thrill of
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not having given in to the temptation to do the same to your own kid.
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But it is this very thrill of NOT having caused the pandemonium that points
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out the big problem with real trouble. It's such a bore waiting for others
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to get into it. Waiting goes against the grain of modern life. As a result,
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many people feel compelled to get into real trouble themelves even though
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they know it's going to be a bother.
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Next time: Getting into real trouble
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Major Pec... does your body good!
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Four Rules for Men Trying to give
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Women What they Want
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Rule 1: Be A Husband to All Women
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No matter how liberated she is, every woman still wants a husband. No one
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knows why, but it's true. Even Jane Fonda has a husband, of a sort.
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Being a husband to all women is, biologically, a daunting proposition.
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Locker-room claims to the contrary, most of us find it's all we can do to
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service just one woman, let alone the whole SEX. However, it is the privately
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help opinion of most women that their spouses aren't much good for this anyway.
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There are other more characteristic and less physically taxing ways of playing
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the husband.
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Even if you live alone, you should put your feet up on the furniture,
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smoke stinky cigars, and never take the garbage out. Identify with the role.
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Try to be a husband at all times. Refer to any woman within earshot as 'the
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old lady', ask every woman you meet, "When's dinner?" and go right up to women
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you've never seen before in your life and tell them they've put on weight.
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Rule 2: Provide Orgasms
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Another of women's grievances is that male sexual techniques do not result
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in satisfactory female climaxes. Men must therefore be certain to provide
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orgasms to any females with whom they are allowed intimate contact.
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I wish I could be more specific, but I cannot. Although I am in favor of
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feminism, I am still only a man and, frankly, does not know anything about
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where female orgasms come from. However, women seem to get a lot of what they
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like at cute little shops with names like 'Things 'n Stuff.' Maybe, next time
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you're at the mall, you should check it out.
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Rule 3: Be a He-Man
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He-men used to do things like fly jet fighter planes and climb Mt.
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Everest. They did these things to impress timorous and admiring women. Once
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women stopped being timorous and admiring, it was the secret hope of all us
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he-men that we could stop flying jet-figher planes and climbing Mt. Everest and
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spend the rest of our lieves in a cozy restaurant with nothing more dangerous
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than a bad oyster for miles around. Unfortuantely we just look to cute in our
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flight suits and parkas for women to let us stop. This is why Margaret
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Thatcher had to invade the Falklands.
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Rule 4: Be Helpful
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Men have always been expected to be helpful to women. The same is true
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now, but the mode of helpfulness has changed with changing sex roles. One
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example will suffice. In the past, a man was expected to give his seat on a
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bus to a woman. Today it would be much more courteous for him to give her his
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job.
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Next Time: Modern Dating, It's Causes and Cures
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MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
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* Polite crime
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Never forget that the purpose of real trouble is the entertainment of
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others. There should be something novel and unique about the trouble you get
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into. Your crime needs what newspapermen call a 'hook.'
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* Stake someone at the top of the bell tower and San Juan Capistrano and
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let them get fluttered to death during the annual return of the swallows.
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* Cause cancer in a kidnap victim by force feeding him refined sugar and
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foods with chemical preservates in them.
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* Work at an abortion clinic for ten years, then to to a Catholic church
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and insist on turning yourself in to the authorities for mass murder.
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* Cause an anorexic girlfriend to drown by leaving the toilet seat up at
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her house.
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* Chain-saw murder has already been done, but nobody has killed anyone yet
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with one of those sring-fed lawn trimmers. It might take a while, but it will
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make the papers.
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Next time: Accidental Real Trouble
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Major Pec... does your body good!
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Hello. I'm going to start a daily installment of what I call Major
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Pec's manners for rude people. Since these are likely to be rude and obnoxious,
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I want to make a disclaimer before I begin. First, take my advice and don't
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take my advice. These are just for fun. I'm not going to be responsible for
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whomever decides to take me either literally or seriously and gets themselves
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killed, injured, and beat up. Second, WORK WITH ME. Lemme know what you think.
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I'd love to hear some comments or suggestions or addtions or SOMETHING, at
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least so I know people read these damn things... So have fun. Here goes!
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Manners... Why have the Things at All?
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The modern world is a horrid place. It lacks anything enduring and
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true. It is devoid of every tenable value.
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All existence is in disarry. Religious beliefs are no longer believed.
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Love is much discussed but little practiced. Morals are in confusion when
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they are in evidence at all. And intellect is no consolation: modern
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intelligence has become well-nigh unintelligible.
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Given that life is such a mess, why should anyone care which fork is for
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the oysters? And yet this may be the only thing we CAN care about. Just as
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cleanliness comes to the forte at moments when godliness is not possible, so
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manners are imporant when more traditional forms of authority collapse. When
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substance is execrable, we must make form do the work of content. The world
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is going to hell. All we can do is look good on the trip.
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What are manners?
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Manners are a way to express altruism in daily life. Either that, or
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manners are a way to fuck people over without them knowing it. Anyway,
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manners are what your mother always wanted you to have. Whether you mother
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is a noble idealist or a scheming bitch is something that must be decided by
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you.
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Next time: how can good manners be identified?
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Major Pec... does your body good!
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How can Good Manners be Identified?
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Good manners are a combination of intelligence, education, taste, and
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style mixed together so you need none of those things. Good manners have a
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number of distinctive qualities. First, they can be learned by rote. This is
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a good thing; otherwise most rich men's daughters could not be displayed in
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public. Secondly, manners do not vary from culture to culture. What is
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considered polite behavior that makes you a welcome guest in the drawing rooms
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at Kensington is equally appropriate amonng the Mud People of the fierce
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Orokaiva tribe in Paupa New Guinea--if you have a gun. This is the advantage
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of Western-style manners. Citizens of Westernized countries still have most
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of the guns.
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Another distinctive quality of manners is that they have nothing to do with
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what you do, only how you do it. For example, Karl Marx was always polite in
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the British Museum. He was courteous to the staff, never read with his hat
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on, and didn't make lip farts when he got the passages in Hegel with which he
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disagreed. Despite the fact that his political exhortations resulted in the
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deaths of millions, he is still more revered than not. On the other hand,
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John W. Hinckley, Jr., was only rude once, to a retired Hollywood movie actor,
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and Hinckley will be in a mental institution for the rest of his life.
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Next time: How do Good Manners Work?
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Major Pec... does your body good!
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How do Good Manners Work?
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Manners exist because they are useful. In fact, good manners are so
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useful that with them you can replace most of the things lacking in modern
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life.
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Good manners can replace morals. IT may be years before anyone knows if
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what you're doing is right. But if what you're doing is nice, it will be
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immediately evident. Senator Edward Kennedy, for instance, may not be a
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moral person, but he certainly is a nice one. You should be the same way
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yourself. If you happen to be on a sinking ship with too few lifeboats,
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take one and slip quietly away. There's going to be a terrific fuss among
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the other passengers, and it's rude to deliberately overhear an arguement
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that is none of your concern.
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Good manners can replace love. Most people would rather be treated
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courteously rather than loved, if they thought about it. Consider how few
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knifings and shootings are the result of etiquette as compared to passion.
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And good manners can replace intellect by providing a set of memorized
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responses to almsot every situation in life. Memorized responses eliminate
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the need for thought. Thought is not a very worthwhile pasttime, anyway.
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It allows the brain, an inert and mushy organ, unfair domination over the
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muscles, digestive system, and other parts of the body you can have a lot of
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thoughtless fun with. Thinking also leads to theories, which is always the
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antithesis of social correctness. How much better history would have been if
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the Nazis had been socially correct instead of true to thier hideous theories.
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They never would have shipped all those people to concentration camps in
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boxcars. They would have sent limousines to pick them up.
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The fact that good manners require interaction is finally the most useful
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trait. Manners force us to pay attention to the needs, desires, and hopes of
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other people. If you have good manners you will never become narcissistic and
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self-obssessed. A self-obssessed person is to be pitied; there are so many
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interesting people in the world, and while he's not paying attention to them
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they will probably rob and cheat him.
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Next time: Table manners
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Major Pec: Does your body good!
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Proper Use of the Napkin
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Proper use of the napkin is very important. The best way to use a napkin
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is as a shawl to imitate your grandmother in church while grace is said, or
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as a pretend matador's cape to wave at undercooked beef, or as a bandana to
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cover your face when you pull a stick-up on your dinner partner with a lamb-
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chop pistol and demand 'a date for the movies next Saturday night or you
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life.'
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Noises Made While Eating
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Another common table manners worry is about making noises while you eat.
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There's nothing wrong with making noise while you eat, as long as you make
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the right kind of noise. The right kind of noise sounds like this: "You
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DID? How fabulous! Oh, I ENVY you, honestly...She DIDN'T? How hideous...
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I COULDN'T agree with you more. You did exactly the right thing, dear."
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Industrial noises, barnyard sounds, and teh squeals and grunts of lovemaking
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are considered out of place, however.
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Miscellaneous Details
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Additional sources of confusion at formal dinners are the propriety of
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refusing what's served. Take lot's of whatever's offered. Then don't eat it.
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It's very chic not to eat, but refusing a dish interrupts the orderly
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balletic flow of service and alerts everyone at the table that you're fat.
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Expecially do not refuse wine. It is an odd but universally held opinion that
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anyone who doesn't drink must be an alcoholic.
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Where to Have a Party
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There is only one hard-and-fast rule about where to have a party: someone
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else's place.
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Small Parties
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Small parties are easy to plan. An old Supremes tape, a gram of cocaine,
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a fifth of Vodka, and some copies of Penthouse from the '70s when it was really
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dirty make for a perfect small party without the bother and complication of
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guests.
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Large Parties
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Large parties require much more than a fifth of Vodka and, usually, other
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people besides yourself.
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>>> Whom to Invite
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* People with more than a fifth of Vodka
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* All neighbors within earshot
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* Everybody you've ever slept with unless he or she insists on being
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accompainied by a lawyer
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* A lawyer of your own
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* Girls who take off their clothes at the slightest provocation
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* A homo to pick out the dance music
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* A bunch of people who've all married each other's former husbands and
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wives (to get the mate-swapping mood established)
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* Cute people
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* Loud people
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* Some famous people (they don't actually have to come, just be expected)
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* Some Kennedys
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* Some insecure people to make fools of themselves when the Kennedys show
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up
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* At least one person who will be deeply shocked by all that goes on (try
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not to be married to this one)
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As a general rule, figure out how many people the room will comfortable
|
||
hold and invite ten times that many. Fun, like the flu, is contagious through
|
||
close personal contact.
|
||
>>> Whom NOT to Invite
|
||
* Andy Warhol
|
||
* Pat Robertson
|
||
* Your parents
|
||
|
||
Music
|
||
All music necessary for a real party can be supplied by a half-dozen
|
||
Supremes tapes and one dance music tape selected by the homo. Volume is more
|
||
important than content, anyway. Volume is everything. If the volume won't
|
||
kill songbirds in the yard and make the dog wet, it's not going to be a real
|
||
party.
|
||
|
||
Dancing
|
||
The most popular kind of dancing that's done at parties is Gator, which is
|
||
done after four or five hours of partying and doesn't require any music at all.
|
||
In order to dance the Gator, the woman should lie down and the man should lie
|
||
on top of her and they should wiggle around like gators. The best way to do
|
||
this is on top of a pile of coats in the guest room.
|
||
|
||
Next time: Party Games!
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
Acting Up
|
||
* Acting Cute
|
||
If you know what you're doing is wrong, it's easy to learn how to get away
|
||
with it. The first technique of misbehaving is to be cute. When the
|
||
generation born after WWII began to act up, they wore feathers in their hair,
|
||
put paint on their noses, and went around sticking chrysanthemums in rifle
|
||
barrels. Life magazine adored it--it was so cute. But later they began doing
|
||
things which were much less cute, like threatening to vote, and it became
|
||
necessary to kill them at Kent State. Of course, 'hippies' were also violating
|
||
a basic principle of cuteness; they were getting old. To be cute you must be
|
||
young. If you had a great big adult dog andit whined all night, tore up your
|
||
slippers, and wet on the rug, you'd have it gassed. But when a puppy does
|
||
these things, it's cute.
|
||
* Being Rich
|
||
Rich people can get away with all sorts of things that are against the law
|
||
for poor people. They can operate a motor vehicle under the influence of
|
||
alcohol (as long as the motor vehicle is a yacht), and create public nuisances
|
||
like the IBM headquarters building in Manhattan. We allow a great deal of
|
||
latitude to the rich. This is our way of makit up to them for creating a world
|
||
in which anything can be had for money but nothing is worth having.
|
||
* Being Pretty
|
||
Even better than being cute or rich is being pretty. Pretty people are
|
||
forgiven for absolutely anything they do. And there's a very good reason for
|
||
it. If it weren't for them, masturbation would be so dull for the rest of us.
|
||
* Being Full of Charm
|
||
If you are old, poor, and homely, the best you can do is be charming. Try
|
||
to make the bad things you do fun for everyone. If you're in a DUI accident,
|
||
give the other driver a drink, too, and be sure to offer one to the police when
|
||
they arrive. This won't keep you out of trouble, but it will prolong the
|
||
festivities for a little bit and that's almost as good.
|
||
* Being Insane
|
||
If you lack charm, claim insanity. It's an excellent way to get away with
|
||
silly things like throwing a chair at Geraldo Rivera. A good lawyer can
|
||
probably get your sentence reduced--if public sentiment is on your side.. that
|
||
is, if you hurt Geraldo enough to keep him off the air for a few months. And
|
||
at the psychiactric sessions you can do anything you want. Throw a chair at
|
||
the psychiatrist, for example. It's considered therapeutic.
|
||
|
||
Next Time: More ways to get yourself out of trouble...
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
More Ways to Get out of Trouble:
|
||
* Proper Use of Self-Destruction
|
||
If none of the other things work, turn the destruction on yourself. When
|
||
you're busting someone's collection of Boehm china birds, bust them on your own
|
||
forehead. By hurting yourself you show others that what you're doing is
|
||
"adorable", "extravagant", or "uncontrollable" not agressive. This was the
|
||
difference between Jim Jones and Charles Manson, for instance. Sort of.
|
||
Speaking of suicide, that's a good ploy, if you've been very, very bad.
|
||
With a little experimentation you'll find there are a dozen ways to cut
|
||
yourself a little around the wrist area and bleed all over the place with no
|
||
read danger to anything but the carpet. Or, you don't have to do anything to
|
||
yourself at all. Just call a freind and SAY you've taken an entire bottle of
|
||
Nembutol. Everything will be forgiven.
|
||
* Proper Use of Cash
|
||
If you've really had fun, actual money might work; but alas full
|
||
compensation will be way beyond your means. The easiest thing to do is carry a
|
||
big roll of money wherever you go. This should consist of one fifty wrapped
|
||
around about fifty ones. (Anybody should be willing to pay 100 bucks for a
|
||
fabulous melee in which you starred as the center of attention.) Then--after
|
||
you've upended your hostess's Hepplewhite chairs and piled them in the center
|
||
of the room to reenact your great uncle's exploits at the seige of some castle
|
||
you made up, and torn down your hostess's drapes to do you impression of a
|
||
matador, and used two bottles of Beaujolais-Villages (or whatever) to show her
|
||
how much better the Chinese rug would look in burgundy--THEN you can toss your
|
||
wad onto the hall table and get the smack out of there. You'll be long gone by
|
||
the time she's counted it. And, later, when she tells everyone that you didn't
|
||
leave enough to cover damages, they'll just think she's belittling your grand
|
||
gesture.
|
||
* A Good Excuse
|
||
The very last and most desparate means of getting away with naughty things
|
||
is making up an excuse. This is risky, and seldom works unless you have a
|
||
sympathetic audience like your mother. But sometimes you do something so
|
||
bad--being a Nazi, for instance--that it DEMANDS some kind of excuse.
|
||
Here's and exercise in excuse making which illustrates some of the
|
||
difficulties. Pertend you are Adolph Eichmann and you're trying to excuse
|
||
yourself to your mother for just having killed hundreds of thousands of Jews at
|
||
Auschwitz. See if any of these excuses work:
|
||
* I was in a real rush and I just threw something together.
|
||
* Isn't that just like me? I could kick myself.
|
||
|
||
Next time: Drinking!
|
||
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
Drinking
|
||
The only really courteous excuse for misbehaviour is "I was drunk." No
|
||
one will forgive you for doing terrible things, but that's be point. "I was
|
||
drunk" is the polite way of saying, "I shed my inhibitions and did exactly what
|
||
I wanted to do, and if you provoke me I'll do it again." This gives people
|
||
fair warning and tactfully tells them to mind their own business.
|
||
The single drawback to alcohol is that you might not drink enough of it
|
||
and live so long you'll see all the things that you've been dreading come to
|
||
pass--greenhouse effect, 100% hetersexual AIDS exposure, nuclear war, and
|
||
friends with machines on their telephones that not only answer calls but make
|
||
them.
|
||
Drugs in General
|
||
A summary
|
||
|
||
Drug: Alcohol
|
||
Social Occosations Appropriate to Use: Any
|
||
What to Do: Shed clothes in restaurant, don dress belt with napkin draped
|
||
over crotch, stand on chair and recite 'Hiawatha.'
|
||
What to Say: Where's the parrrrrrrrrty!?
|
||
What to Break: Dishes, Marriage Vows
|
||
How to Excuse Yourself the Next Day: "I hadn't eaten anything since
|
||
lunch."
|
||
|
||
Drug: Marijuana
|
||
Social Occasions Appropriate to Use: Rock concerts, horror movie
|
||
screenings, time spent alone in bedroom as a teenager.
|
||
What to Do: Listen to the Moody Blues on the stereo, look at
|
||
Bloomingdale's underwear catalogs, eat Mallomars
|
||
What to Say: "Wow." "Oh, wow." "Really." "Wow."
|
||
What to Break: Glass bongs, lava lamps
|
||
How to Excuse Yourself: Wow, that was some heavy shit!
|
||
|
||
Drug: Cocaine
|
||
Social Occasions appropriate to use: Visits to dance clbs and other
|
||
moments of private desperation
|
||
What do Do: Do more coke
|
||
What do say: Say you never do coke anymore
|
||
What to Break: Promises
|
||
How to Excuse youreslf: If you have any left, you'll still be there
|
||
acting up.
|
||
|
||
Drug: LSD
|
||
Social Occations Appropriate to use: College reunions, weekends at Big
|
||
Sur
|
||
What do Do: Stare at trees, rocks, bugs, self
|
||
What do Say: "This is incredible! I'd forgotten how incredible this is!
|
||
Really incredible!"
|
||
What do Break: The space/time continuum
|
||
How to Excuse Yourself: Freak out and cry
|
||
|
||
Drug: Crack
|
||
Social Occasions Approprite to Use: Robbery, burglary, assault, murder
|
||
What to Do: Robbery, Burglary, assault, murder
|
||
What to Say: "Fuck off."
|
||
What to Break: Laws.
|
||
How to Excuse Yourself: Make bail.
|
||
|
||
Next time: How modern people have stopped taking drugs and where they get all
|
||
those drugs they've stopped taking.
|
||
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
|
||
Drugs
|
||
* Heroin: Heroin and the other "downs" are not polite. These drugs
|
||
effectively eliminate the painful aspect of existence, which, nowadays, is
|
||
almost all of it. Pain, such as a pain in the ass, is the thing that commonly
|
||
alerts us to the presence of other people. Interaction with others is what
|
||
manners are all about. Don't take "downs." Try to be "down on life" instead.
|
||
* Marijuana: Marijuana, on the other hand, makes you sensitive. Courtesy has
|
||
a great deal to do with being sensitive. Unfortunately, marijuana makes you
|
||
the kind of sensitive where you insist on everyone listening to all your old
|
||
depressing Paul Simon tapes, and that's not very courteous.
|
||
* Crack: It's very rude to try crack a few times and not get addicted. This
|
||
could throw a number of hysterical politicians and overwrought public health
|
||
experts out of work.
|
||
* The hallucinogens: The hallucinogenic drugs such as psilocybin, mescaline,
|
||
and peyote are not rude per se. But it can be difficult to observe all the
|
||
niceties of etiquette when being chased down the road by a nine-headed cactus
|
||
demon.
|
||
|
||
Next time: Cocaine: The only polite drug.
|
||
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
Cocaine
|
||
As a general rule, cocaine is the only polite drug. This is because
|
||
cocaine makes us intelligent, charming, witty, well-dressed, a good
|
||
conversationalist, and sexually attractive.
|
||
|
||
Common Rules of Cocaine Etiquette
|
||
It is important to remember that cocaine is unhealthy; therefore when a
|
||
friend offers you a 'nose Nike' you should be sure to Electrolux as much as
|
||
possible. This is so your friend won't become psychotic or suffer from heart
|
||
palpitations if there is any left.
|
||
|
||
The Three Most Commonly Asked Questions about Cocaine
|
||
Q: How should cocaine be served?
|
||
A: Often, when with friends, you will not want to share your 'granualted
|
||
money' with all of them. But it is rude to pass the vial of 'face Drano'
|
||
around to some people at the table but not to others and that could get you
|
||
slugged. This is rude. Instead, you should be more surruptitious... say
|
||
something like "Boy, I sure have to go the bathroom, and so to Robert and Janet
|
||
and Carol, but Joe and Fred and Bob don't have to go."
|
||
Q: Who Pays?
|
||
A: Some people say that the hostess should pay for the cocaine as part of
|
||
the entertainment. Some people say that the guests should pay for the cocaine
|
||
in return for the courtesy of the hostess. But most people feel that society
|
||
in general should have to pay for cocaine by having to watch self-indulgent
|
||
maniacal stand up comedians, crazed disjointed pop concert performances, and
|
||
piteous pleading anti-drug commercials on late-night television.
|
||
Q: What Should Be served with Cocaine?
|
||
A: Most people like a couple thousand cigarrettes with their 'indoor
|
||
Aspen lift lines'. Some other people like to take lots of sedatives to acheive
|
||
that marvelous feeling of having taken no drugs at all. But courtesy demands
|
||
that everyone should drink lots of whiskey or gin with their cocaine, so that
|
||
others will perceive them as drunk and not merely stupid.
|
||
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
Next time: The basic tenets of good conversation.
|
||
* Bombs
|
||
There is something impersonal about bombs that keeps them from ever being
|
||
in the best of taste. An exception is if you are the head of government in
|
||
a country with an extensive nuclear arsenal. In which case you can be
|
||
confident that your bombs will affect everyone in a deeply personal matter,
|
||
and you may use them at will.
|
||
* Hostage Taking
|
||
Taking hostages is the reverse of having old friends from college over to
|
||
stay at your house. When you take hostages, you've got a bunch of unpleasant,
|
||
grumpy, half-crazed people on your hands, and you're threatening to shoot them
|
||
if they DO leave. This makes no sense. And a polite person wouldn't have
|
||
anything to do with people as disheveled and silly-acting as most hostages,
|
||
anyway.
|
||
PRETENDING to take hostages, however, is a great way to get rid of those
|
||
old friends from college. Call the police and say you're holding your old
|
||
friends from college at gunpoint. The police will do everything they can to
|
||
get them off your hands.
|
||
* Sexual Assault
|
||
Sexual assault is very outre. The better class of people are surfeited
|
||
with sex and would never think of attacking someone to get more of it (though
|
||
they might hit someone over the head to get a dinner invitation.)
|
||
Sexaul assault is still fashionable, however, when women rape men. The
|
||
liteal meaning of rape is 'to carry away.' That is exactly how most women
|
||
make their assaults--by carrying away lots of expensive clothing and jewelry
|
||
from department stores and clobbering their husbands with the bill. But this
|
||
is not real trouble; it's not even against the law.
|
||
|
||
Next time: Polite crime
|
||
Major Pec... does your body good!
|
||
|
||
Imparting Values to the Child
|
||
Naturally you want a child to be mature and respectful and keep out of
|
||
your hair, but simple vanity will dictate that you will also want the child to
|
||
turn out exactly like you. This is best accomplished by example. Yell at the
|
||
child and boss him around to show him what it's like to be self-actualized and
|
||
have control over his environment.
|
||
|
||
The Facts of Life
|
||
The principle fact of life is, of course, death. Even very young children
|
||
need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully
|
||
to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
|
||
As for sex, modern life has made telling a child about this much easier--
|
||
in fact, unnecessary. You should, however, have a 'birds and bees' talk with
|
||
your child just to make sure he has sex figured out by the time he's five.
|
||
He's not paying much attention to the world around him if he doesn't, and maybe
|
||
you should have him checked for mental retardation.
|
||
|
||
Medical Problems
|
||
Hyperactivity is a medical tragedy that strikes one out of every one
|
||
modern children. You should see a doctor about it. Maybe he'll give your
|
||
child drugs and you can steal them.
|
||
|
||
Next time: Real Trouble. When you lawyer tells your accountant that your
|
||
agent thinks you should see a doctor
|
||
Gossip
|
||
Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery when they aren't
|
||
present. Gossip is similar to flattery in that sense and judgement should play
|
||
no part in it. But, it can be more solidly grounded in fact, especially
|
||
viscous gossip. Given the way most people act these days, this should be no
|
||
problem.
|
||
Never gossip about people you don't know. This dprives simple artisans
|
||
like Kitty Kelly of work. The best subject of gossip is someone you and your
|
||
audience love dearly. The enjpyment of gosssip is thus doulbed: the delight
|
||
of disapprobation is added to the additional delight of pity.
|
||
The best topic for gossip is sex. This is (most) sex acts take place in
|
||
private and are easy to deny. Nothing indicts like denial.
|
||
Other excellent subjects for gossip are secret alcoholism and secret drug
|
||
addiction. But you can also gossip about drinking and drug taking done in
|
||
public and freely admitted to. If a person has no shame about his behavior,
|
||
it's really your job to supply some.
|
||
It would be wrong, however, to think that all gossip is negative. You can
|
||
gossip about a friends accomplishments and privelages--for instance, the user
|
||
who got sysop access by hacking into other people's accounts and having
|
||
perverted sex acts with the sysop.
|
||
Whatever your piece of gossip is, be sure to tell your audience not to say
|
||
you said it. This will remind them to say you did. It's an old trick and a
|
||
sneaky one, but you don't want all the gruesome stories it took you so long to
|
||
dig up being circulated without credit to you.
|
||
|
||
Next time: Talking about Important Subjects (yourself)
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
Talking about important subjects
|
||
There's more to conversation than gossip or flattery. If you're like most
|
||
people, in fact, you would prefer not to indulge in gossip and flattery. You'd
|
||
rather talk about yourself. The problem is getting listeners. One way to do
|
||
this is to disclose all your filthy habits, immoral actions, disgusting
|
||
thoughts, and perverse longings. The confessional tendency is reputed by
|
||
psychiatrists to be the result of a guilt neurosis concerning excess personal
|
||
liberty and the breakdown of traditional values and so on. This is not true.
|
||
It's just that the only way we can get anyone to listen to us when we talk
|
||
about ourselves is by turning that talk into gossip of the most horrible kind
|
||
possible.
|
||
Another way to get people to listen to you is by keeping them involved in
|
||
the conversation. Intersperse your comments about yourself with questions
|
||
about them. Tell them how successful and clever you are, and then ask them who
|
||
they sleep with and how much money they make. People so love attention that
|
||
they might even tell you. This brings us to a more drastic method of getting
|
||
an audience: be one yourself. Listen patiently while other people tell you
|
||
about themselves. Maybe they'll return the favor. This is risky, however. By
|
||
the time they get done talking about themselves you may be dead from old age.
|
||
Another danger is that if you listen long enough you may start attending to
|
||
what's being said. You may start thinking about other people, even
|
||
sympathizing with them. You may develop a ture empathy for others, and this
|
||
will turn you into such a human oddity that you will become a social outcast.
|
||
|
||
Next Time: Refining your conversational abilites; Strong Language and Accent
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
|
||
Refining your Conversational Abilities
|
||
*Strong Language
|
||
Flattery, gossip, and self-advertisement constitute the greater part of
|
||
modern conversation. Most of the rest is made up of obscene, predjudicial, or
|
||
extremely blunt language.
|
||
Obscenity enlivens bland statements. No one is going to be interested if
|
||
you say, "Many young women would like to be doctors." Say, instead, "Many
|
||
young women would like to be FUCKING doctors."
|
||
Bluntness, especially when combined with obscenity or predjudice, can be
|
||
very handy in arguements. If you say that the U.S. shouldn't have vetoed a UN
|
||
resolution condemning Israel, and somone else says the U.S. was right to veto
|
||
the resolution, the result is a social mess. In the first place, it's rude to
|
||
argue politics in public. And, in the second place, what you're saying has
|
||
nothing do to with anyone personally, so no one cares. Use strong language to
|
||
take the politics out of your arguement and make it personal again by saying to
|
||
whomever disagrees with your position, "Fuck you."
|
||
|
||
*Accent
|
||
Although people are not usually listening to what you say, they may be
|
||
paying attention to how you say it, trying to figure out from your accent
|
||
whether you're wealthy enough to bother with it. It would be rude, a waste of
|
||
time, to let them think you aren't.
|
||
Most American regional accents are not very rich sounding. A midwestern
|
||
nasal twang gives listeners the impression that you have lawn ornaments in your
|
||
front yard. The slurs and ellipses of California speech strike the hearer as
|
||
the first three danger signs of drug abuse in teen-agers. And a New York
|
||
accent sounds like someone buggering a goose with an automobile horn.
|
||
Only a Texas accent is safe. This is because Texans are all thought to
|
||
have MONEY. You can acquire a Texas Accent by any of the usual means of
|
||
getting brain damage.
|
||
|
||
Next time: How to Talk when You're On Drugs
|
||
How To Talk when You're on Drugs
|
||
|
||
When you're on drugs, talking is easier. That's because your brain starts
|
||
moving faster than your mouth. Especially when on cocaine. People on cocaine
|
||
say things like this:
|
||
|
||
"...one of the things you're really getting onto is cable TV which is
|
||
going to be like the rock and roll of the nineties because everybody's going to
|
||
be hardwired into 240 channels and there's this huge market for software
|
||
already which is why you've got this programming development deal together that
|
||
like right now is a class at the New School but is almost sold to Home Box and
|
||
is going to be an hour a day that's part news but like part entertainment too
|
||
like this Rap group that you've already done three minutes on with minicam on
|
||
quarter-inch but you might turn that into a documentary plus maybe a docudrama
|
||
for PBS because it's this sound that's sort of hip-hop but sort of western
|
||
swing which is all in this interview you got with the lead singer's
|
||
manager/girlfriend that you're going to publish in this magazine you're
|
||
starting which will be all complete cable listings for all of New Jersey with
|
||
the public access stuff that isn't listed anywhere plus like interviews too
|
||
and..."
|
||
|
||
Finally, a cardinal rule of talking is that there's no reason not to carry
|
||
on a cheerful and engaging conversation just because you're alone in the room.
|
||
|
||
Next time: Men, Women, and Other People part 1: Advice for Modern Woman.
|
||
Keep modern man quiet. Do not induce vomiting. Call a physician.
|
||
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
Restaurnat Manners
|
||
The table manners you have in a restaurant are very different from those
|
||
you have in the home of a friend because in a restaurant you're allowed
|
||
to play with your food. If you eat enough expensive meals and drink enough
|
||
expensive liquor, you're allowed to do anything. But in the home of a friend
|
||
no matter how much you eat and drink it won't excuse you for 'restoring' a
|
||
Renoir with potatoes au gratin.
|
||
|
||
Playing with Food
|
||
Playing with food is the main reason dining in restaurants has become so
|
||
popular. Playing with food is a psychologically powerful way of attracting
|
||
attention to yourself. And restaurants are better places to attract
|
||
attention than friend's homes, anyway. You usually know who's going to be at
|
||
a friend's house. But practically anybody could be at a restaurant. If you
|
||
attract enough attention in a restaurant, maybe a rich, beautiful person will
|
||
give you money and sex.
|
||
The secret to successful sports with foodstuffs is correct attitude.
|
||
Playing with food has to be fast, loud, and enthusiastic. You must make your
|
||
high spirits contagious before anyone has time for second thoughts. Second
|
||
thoughts always consist of calling the police.
|
||
But if your attitude and timing are right, you can put a lettuce-leaf
|
||
mane around the neck of your girlfriend, hold her at bay with your chair,
|
||
command her to leap up on the table and rear up on her hind legs, and
|
||
everyone will think it's great fun.
|
||
Here are some other things you can do:
|
||
* Use steamed mussles as castanets, slip sugar bowls over the toes of your
|
||
shoes, and do a flamenco dance on your chair.
|
||
* If everyone is having beef dishes, run around the talbe and try to
|
||
put the cow back together.
|
||
* Use any whole roast bird as a hand puppet. You can acheive remarkably
|
||
realistic effects by slipping your fingers into the wing sockets. Point
|
||
out that the bird has lost its head, so it has no sense at all, which is
|
||
why it's flying around the table squeezing people's noses
|
||
* Hand a grilled brook trout on the wall like a trophy, or, better, stand
|
||
on the table and reenact the big catch with an umbrella and a shoelace.
|
||
* Use a raw oyster to show someone what a French kiss would be like if she
|
||
had married a reptile.
|
||
* Here's a stunt with one of those stainless-steel hinged-top coffee
|
||
creamers. Using your thumb to move the creamer lid, get 'Carl the Creamer'
|
||
to talk. "I'm hungry," he says. Then you feed Carl all sorts of things;
|
||
Sugar packets, bits of squashed up food, cigarette butts, and so on. But
|
||
Carl always eats too much. "I feel sick," he says. Then Carl throws up
|
||
on someone at the table whom no one can stand.
|
||
|
||
Next time: Acting Up
|
||
Major Pec... does your body good!
|
||
|
||
Party Games
|
||
Most real parties are too chaotic to sustain any party games. But every
|
||
now and then you'll find yourself with a group of people who are in the mood
|
||
for this kind of entertainment.
|
||
* Indoor-Outdoor Sports
|
||
It's always amusing to play any outdoor sport indoors. Bicycle races, for
|
||
instance, or motocross events if your halls and stairways are wide enough. Out
|
||
door sports played indoors are properly played with appropriate indoor
|
||
equipment. 'Dog Soccer' is fun; so is 'Ashtray Tennis' and 'Touch Footstool'.
|
||
Playing golf indoor with eggs and umbrellas is invariably delightful, as is
|
||
duck hunting with real guns, if you can get someone to dress up as the duck.
|
||
* Strip Russian Roulette
|
||
A single bullet is put into a revolver. Each player spins the cylinder
|
||
and pulls the trigger. Anyone who doesn't kill himself or herself has to take
|
||
off a piece of clothing. Strip Russian roulette's combination of sex and death
|
||
makesfor a highly phychological game.
|
||
* Pin the Bill on the Restaurant
|
||
This is played when a real party is heldin a tavern or other commercial
|
||
establishment. The bar owner is blindfolded, spun around three times, and
|
||
while he's trying to figure out what's going on, everyone runs out the door.
|
||
* Jump Dick
|
||
Played with a penis instead of a rope.
|
||
* Kick the Husband
|
||
This is usually played after the party.
|
||
|
||
Next time: Party Drinks
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
|
||
Advice for Modern Men
|
||
Society is now influenced, shaped, and even to a large extent controlled
|
||
my women. This is a far cry from the world of our childhood, when society was
|
||
controlled by...well, as I recall, society was controlled by Mom. Christmas
|
||
dinner for all the relatives, square dancing, the PTA, split-level ranch houses
|
||
with 2 1/2 baths... surely no MAN thought these up. Feminism seems to be a
|
||
case of women having won a leg-wrestling match with their own other leg.
|
||
There is only one thing for men to do in response to this confusing
|
||
situaton, which is the same thing men have always done, which is anything women
|
||
want.
|
||
|
||
What do Women Want?
|
||
But what DO women want? Perhaps we cah shed some light on the question by
|
||
examining feminist objections to traditional female social roles. Feminists
|
||
belive 'unliberated' women are not in control of their own lives, that they are
|
||
not given adequate opportunities to realize their own potential. They feel
|
||
women are overburdened with domestic responsibilities, underpaid for
|
||
professional work, and exploited in every way. Of course, the average man can
|
||
make the same complaints, but the cases are not comparable. Those conditions
|
||
make the average man want a drink. They make the average woman want a law
|
||
degree, a convertible, children, a Rolex watch, a seat on the stock exchange,
|
||
two Valium, a lovely home, a pretty bracelet, the Nobel Prize, and a husband.
|
||
|
||
Next time: Four rules for modern men trying to give women they want.
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
|
||
|
||
Softball
|
||
There is nothing to say about softball as a sport. No one has ever paid
|
||
enough attention to it while either watching or playing to be able to remember
|
||
anything about it.
|
||
Volleyball
|
||
The purpose of volleyball is to get your sexual parts to flop around. It
|
||
isn't really much good unless played in the nude. The rule, cited for running,
|
||
about women with breasts larger than their heads, may be suspended for
|
||
volleyball. Women with huge breasts should not run because running women make
|
||
terrible faces and the combination of scary facial expressions and immense
|
||
jiggling breasts is liable to cause confusion in preadolescent boys. Volleyball
|
||
players, however, ususally look like they're having a wonderful time and so may
|
||
jiggle as much as they want without adverse psychological effects on the
|
||
audience. In fact, if you're going to play volleyball, you'd better make sure
|
||
your sexual parts are large enough to flop around in an impressive way. An
|
||
exception might be made for large, floppy asses. People with large, floppy
|
||
asses really shouldn't participate an any sports. They especially shouldn't
|
||
ride bicycles, because it makes people laugh so hard they lose control of their
|
||
automobiles.
|
||
|
||
Next time: Sports with animals in them
|
||
Major Pec: Does your body good!
|
||
|
||
Babies and Other Diseases
|
||
Having children is impolite. It imposes on the peace and quiet of others
|
||
and leaves you with less time for that key component of courtesy, being nice to
|
||
yourself. But rude things d happen. In fact, they're happening at a horrific
|
||
rate because the generation that 'refused to grow up' has finally spawned,
|
||
resulting in Baby Boom ][--The Terror Continues. Suddenly there are millions
|
||
of children all over the place, all of them named Jason and Rachel.
|
||
|
||
Where Children Come From
|
||
Children are caused by having sex. Because of the media attention paid to
|
||
child-napping, artificial insemination, surrogate motherhood, in vitro
|
||
fertilization, and illegal adoption, it can be easy to forget this. But normal
|
||
sex (consult your doctor) can result in pregnancy. Astonishingly enough, this
|
||
is often intentional.
|
||
|
||
Why Have Children?
|
||
Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the
|
||
exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs. Of course, nature wants every
|
||
creature to produce more living things so all of us, not just guppies, will
|
||
have something to eat. But almost no on eats babies anymore. Thus there must
|
||
be reasons other than natural ones for the urge to breed.
|
||
Men have children to prove that they aren't impotent, or at least the some
|
||
of thier friends aren't. And women have children because no modern woman
|
||
should reach the age of forty-five without an excuse for failing in her career.
|
||
This last reason for having children is the entire cause of the current
|
||
fertilization craze.
|
||
|
||
Abortions (yikes!)
|
||
Very busy parents should consider this option. Aborted children are
|
||
inexpinsive and reire less quality time. And abortions are practically worry-
|
||
free since there are any number of very fervent right-to-life organizations
|
||
available to worry about them for you.
|
||
|
||
Next time: Pregnancy and Infant Care
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
Meeting People
|
||
The first consideration in dating is whom to date. "Pick-ups"--social
|
||
engagements with total strangers, often initated in bars--have gone completely
|
||
out of style. Partly this is a result of AIDS, although it's a well-known fact
|
||
that extra-attractive strangers (especially cute girls) never have this
|
||
disease. Another, more important reason for teh demise of the "pick-up" is
|
||
that there are only five types of people, and sadly, we've met them all.
|
||
The five types of people are:
|
||
* People whom you like more than they like you.
|
||
* People who like you more than you like them.
|
||
* Rich fools
|
||
* Poor fools
|
||
* People just like your parents.
|
||
None of these is the type of person you're looking for.
|
||
The fashionable person to date nowadays is someone you've know for years
|
||
and somehow neglected to sleep with during the promiscuity hysteria. You'll
|
||
have a lot in common with this person. On thing you'll have in common is
|
||
trying to figure out if maybe you DID sleep together and both forgot it. Then
|
||
you can talk about all the people you've both slept with and whether any of
|
||
them are losing a lot of weight or are dead. And when you've exhaused those
|
||
two subjects, you can screw. (But never on the first date. Another well-known
|
||
fact is that AIDS is only transmitted on first dates. You can't get AIDS from
|
||
sex you had to wait for.)
|
||
|
||
Making a Date
|
||
Dates used to be made days or even weeks in advance. Now dates tend to be
|
||
made the day after. That is, you get a phone call from someone who says, 'If
|
||
anyone asks, I was out with you last night, ok?'
|
||
Some dates are still make in advance, of course. But it is now no longer
|
||
necessarily the man who does the asking. It is now considered proper for a
|
||
woman to ask a man out on a date. It is not, considered proper for the man to
|
||
refuse because he has to wash his hair. Not unless his blow dryer is REALLY
|
||
broken.
|
||
Dates are still cancelled the same way they always have been, which is at
|
||
the last possible minute. But it happens more often than it used to. Our
|
||
society has become increasingly affluent. Therefore the chances of someone
|
||
better than you coming along has increased.
|
||
|
||
Next time: Dating Behavior and Where to go on a Date
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
|
||
Ok, this is where it gets dirty! I love it!
|
||
|
||
Advice for Modern Women
|
||
The social role of women has undergone a radical change in recent years.
|
||
This is the result of feminism, and feminism is the result of a few ignorant
|
||
and literal-minded women letting the cat out of the bag about which is the
|
||
superior sex.
|
||
Once women made it public that they could do things better than men, they
|
||
were, of course, forced to do them. Now women have to be elected to political
|
||
office, get jobs as presidents of major corporations, and so on, instead of
|
||
ruling the earth by batting their eyelashes they way they used to. If the
|
||
mothers of Kate Millet and Susan B. Anthony had only taken more time to expain
|
||
things to thier daughters, it would have saved a lot of time for more able and
|
||
intelligent women like Maragret Thatcher.
|
||
|
||
Forcing Men to Surrender
|
||
Open competition between the sexes presents considerable dangers to our
|
||
society. Outnumbered and possessed of inferior capabilites, men are on the
|
||
defensive. This may turn them desparate and viscious. It will be in
|
||
everyone's best interests if women get men to surrender as quickly as possible.
|
||
Women can weaken the opposition by encouraging men to get in touch with
|
||
thier feelings. One of the few advantages men ever had over women was thier
|
||
emotional detachment.
|
||
In the past, most men were emotionally cold and incapable of showing
|
||
affection. Many of our fathers could come home from work to a nagging and
|
||
slovenly wife and a house full of screaming brats and show no affection at all.
|
||
Of course, this has changed. For one thing, our parents are divorced. But,
|
||
also, modern men are already much more in touch with their emotions than they
|
||
used to be. They can cry--like our fathers did when they saw the court-ordered
|
||
property settlement.
|
||
Do what you can to promote this trend, ladies. Make it clear to the men
|
||
in your life that, not only is crying permissible, it's required if their
|
||
feelings are to be given any credibility. These days it's perfectly proper for
|
||
a woman to sleep with a man before marrying him or before even knowing his last
|
||
name (as long as she's sure he's not a gay drug addict). But a woman who
|
||
sleeps with a man before seeing his eyes mist over with need and desire is
|
||
coming close to impropriety.
|
||
Crying on demand may be too much for some men. If so, remind them that
|
||
they are also expected to get erections on demand. That can make any man cry.
|
||
|
||
Next time: Woman's duty to preserve mankind (really!)
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
Actually, people do pay attention every now and then if what's being said
|
||
is intensely personal. Therefore people will always listen to flattery and
|
||
gossip.
|
||
|
||
Flattery:
|
||
The beauty of flattery is that it's so easy. Say anything favorable that
|
||
pops into your head. Flattery is like money. It does not need to have any
|
||
intrinsic worth, and neither its source nor the intended object of its use
|
||
deprives it of any charm in people's eyes.
|
||
You cannot go to far with flattery, if you want to be polite. Tell people
|
||
they're brilliant, beautiful, important, accomplished, and good. This is known
|
||
as lying. It's very old-fashioned but still practiced by those who are not
|
||
smart enough to know whether they are telling the truth or not.
|
||
A much more modern apporoach than lying, and one that requires less
|
||
thought and energy, is to develop a lack of personal sense of judgement so
|
||
thorough that you really BELIEVE people you're talking to are brilliant,
|
||
beautiful, important, accomplished, and good. This state can be acheived by
|
||
paying no attention to anyone or anything while going fifteen or twenty years
|
||
without shutting up.
|
||
|
||
Next time: Gossip: What you say about the objects of flattery when they're
|
||
not present.
|
||
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
|
||
|
||
Sexual variations used to be considered impolite for fear that servants
|
||
might walk in during them. It was thought that if the lower classes discovered
|
||
the more exotic forms of sexual couplings, nothing would ever get done around
|
||
the house. Which is exactly what happened. Nothing gets done around the house
|
||
or anywhere else these days because the lower classes are all out dressing up
|
||
in garter belts and watching mud-wrestling.
|
||
|
||
Unusual Positions
|
||
There are any number of positions from which the sex act may be
|
||
accomplished. Most of them are polite if your physique bears exposure at that
|
||
angle, and none of them are rude with the lights off. Very modern people don'g
|
||
consider unusual physical positions exciting. They prefer unusual social
|
||
positions instead.
|
||
|
||
Oral Sex
|
||
Oral sex is currently very trendy. It is even preferred to the regular
|
||
kind. It is preferred because it is the only way most of us can get our sex
|
||
partners to shut up.
|
||
A few rules of common courtesy should be observed during oral sex. Never
|
||
do anything to your partner with your teeth that you wouldn't do to an
|
||
expensive waterproof wristwatch. And, once you've had a good look around down
|
||
there, be sure to pay your partner a compliment of some kind. Restrict
|
||
qualitiative compliments to MEN, however. "You sure have a big ass" is not
|
||
considered flattering my most women.
|
||
|
||
Mild Bondage
|
||
The uncertain and frenetic nature of modern life has let to the incresing
|
||
popularity of mild bondage. When you're tied to the bed, at least you know
|
||
where you'll be for the next few minutes. And dominant partners enjoy the
|
||
sense of having control over a situation, something they never get in real
|
||
life.
|
||
The dominant partner should show courtesy, however, and not abuse that
|
||
position of control. It would be rude to get your sexual satisfaction by tying
|
||
someone to the bed and then leaving him or her there and going out with someone
|
||
more attractive.
|
||
|
||
More Extreme Forms of Bondage
|
||
More extreme forms of bondage involve homes in the suburbs, station
|
||
wagons, household food budgets, and Little League coaching activities and are
|
||
to alarming and repulsive to discuss, even for me.
|
||
|
||
Next time: Masochism, Cross Dressing, Sex Toys, etc.
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
I'm not responsible for what you are thinking...
|
||
|
||
Masochism
|
||
Masochists are people who have pain confused with pleasure. In a society
|
||
which has television confused with entertainment, Doritos confused with food,
|
||
and Dan Quayle confused with a national political leader, masochists are
|
||
clearly less mixed up than the rest of us.
|
||
Because they are admired for their relative good sense, masochists should
|
||
be careful to mind their manners. They should be especially kind to sadists,
|
||
remembering that sadists are to be pitited because they find violence only
|
||
sexually rewarding instead of financially rewarding the way movie producers and
|
||
owners of football teams do.
|
||
|
||
Cross Dressing
|
||
Modern people often feel the need to take on sexual roles other than their
|
||
own. This probably stems from a not unfounded idea about our personal lives
|
||
that nothing could be worse than the way things are already.
|
||
The most common type of cross dressing is practiced by homosexual men who
|
||
have adopted the blue-jeans, work-shirt, and construction-boot dress of
|
||
heterosexual men. This has led to some unpleasantness between gay men and
|
||
striaght women. THe women feel that it was they, not gays, who fought the
|
||
battle for sexual equality and therefore it's a woman;s perogative to wear bleu
|
||
jeans, work shirts, and construction boots.
|
||
Some heterosexual men occasionally don pantyhose and a bra in the
|
||
privacy of the bedroom, but, in general, staight men have keept a lower profile
|
||
about their urge to cross-dress. Mostly they've limited themselves to
|
||
puttering around the house in bathrobes and using lots of Chap Stick when they
|
||
go skiing.
|
||
The only really firm rule fo taste about cross dressing is that neither
|
||
sex should ever ewar anything they haven't yet figured out how to to go the
|
||
batthroom in.
|
||
|
||
Sex Toys
|
||
There are a number of sexual devices which are knwon to increase sexual
|
||
arousal, partiularly in women. Chief among these is the Porche 911 Cabriolet.
|
||
|
||
Next time: Homosexuality and Rape
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
|
||
Homosexuality
|
||
It is the height of fashion to think, dress, and act like a homosexual.
|
||
But, suddenly, it has become unfasionable to BE one. AIDS is partially to
|
||
blame. There's also the immense fatigue everyone is feeling with equality.
|
||
Blacks, Hispanics, Asians, cripples, women, and guests on 'The Oprah Winfrey
|
||
Show' are all demanding to be treated as equals. Homosexuals are just one more
|
||
voice of complaint in an already too querulous world. But since homos are
|
||
often wealthy and famous, treating them as equals is not only difficult but can
|
||
actually be construed as rudeness. The whole thing is a social mess...
|
||
|
||
Rape
|
||
Rape is extremely rude. Rape is a complete and total violation of the
|
||
privacy of an idividual. Despite the fact that complete and total violation of
|
||
the privacy of individuals is one of our society's most popular and fashionable
|
||
pasttimes, rape is still considered rude. This is because if the rapist had
|
||
pursued the more accepted forms of privacy invasion, he would know all the
|
||
intimate details of his intended victim's life. When you find out that much
|
||
about someone these days, you don't even want to shake their hands, much less
|
||
chase them down the street.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Next time: REAL PARITES!
|
||
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
Real Parties
|
||
A real party differs from other social events in two ways:
|
||
. As much as anyone can remember, it was more fun.
|
||
2. No one can remember very much.
|
||
Real parties are given for pleasure only and never to mark an occasion.
|
||
There can be no more reason for giving a real party than there can be an excuse
|
||
for what goes on after it starts.
|
||
Real parties vary tremendously in type and style, but all share certain
|
||
things in common.
|
||
* Real parties don't start until after midnight.
|
||
* No friendships or romantic relationships should survive a real party
|
||
intact.
|
||
* Neither should much furniture.
|
||
* Someone should have underpants on his head by two A.M.
|
||
* By three A.M. someone should have called the police.
|
||
* Someone should have called George Bush long distance to invite him
|
||
over.
|
||
* By five A.M. everyone should have gotten in cars and tried to go
|
||
somewhere else and all backed into each other instead.
|
||
* It's not a real party if it doesn't end in an orgy or a food fight.
|
||
* All your friends should be still be there when you come to in the
|
||
morning.
|
||
Most parties are not real parties. And some parties can never BE real
|
||
parties no matter how much the partygoers try. Among these are:
|
||
* Office Christmas parties
|
||
* Book-publishing parties
|
||
* Parties with themes, such as 'Las Vegas Nite' or 'Waikiki Whoopee.'
|
||
* Parties at the homes of people who don't smoke, have subscriptions to
|
||
Smithsonian, own China figurine collecions, or were ever in the Peace Corps.
|
||
* Parties at which more than six of the guests are related by blood.
|
||
* The Republican Party.
|
||
|
||
Next time: More Party Manners
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
|
||
|
||
The Popular New 'Lite' Sports
|
||
|
||
Winning is such an important part of sports that it's often considered
|
||
rude not to. As a result, a number of modern sports have been developed in
|
||
which everyone wins or, at least, no one doesn't. These are called "lite"
|
||
sports because they contain smaller amounts of potential embarrassement. Such
|
||
sports are particularly popular with the middle classes, who are not used to
|
||
large amounts of leisure time and are just learning how to goof off.
|
||
|
||
* Video Games
|
||
The most popular of the new sports if video-game playing. Video games
|
||
represent something of a courtesy landmark because they make it socially
|
||
acceptable, in a sporting context, to eat Twinkies, never go outdoors, have a
|
||
terrible complexion, and be able to operate a computer. Video games are also
|
||
delightful because there is something about a television that fights back which
|
||
is so perfectly appropriate to our society.
|
||
|
||
* Running
|
||
After video games, the second most popular new sport is running. This is
|
||
not running in the traditional track-and-field sense or because somebody is
|
||
chasing you, but an entirely new sport which consists of running from nothing
|
||
to nowhere. It's truly impossible to lose at this. But an even more gentle
|
||
thing about running is the polite converstion that results. Nothing is more
|
||
suitable to the well-mannered intellect than a discussion among a group or
|
||
runners:
|
||
"Well, I ran today."
|
||
"Me, too."
|
||
"I ran yesterday--three miles."
|
||
"I ran four miles today."
|
||
"I ran four miles yesterday but tomorrow I'm going to run five."
|
||
"I think I'll run four miles again tomorrow, but I might run five miles
|
||
myself."
|
||
And so on.
|
||
Like the conversation it inspires, the rules of running are simple.
|
||
1. Don't run in street clothes or while carrying bags or packages--it
|
||
makes you look as though you just robbed a store.
|
||
2. Women with breasts larger than their head should use a Nautilus
|
||
machine instead.
|
||
3. If you run more than twenty miles a week, try not to die young. It
|
||
will make people snicker.
|
||
|
||
* Frisbee
|
||
A final sport, Frisbee, is not only impossible to lose at but is also
|
||
remarkably polite because it's so hard to break things with a Frisbee. Just say
|
||
'excuse me' to everyone you hit. The Frisbee is closely related to the Wiffle
|
||
ball in its noncompetitive, nondestructive qualities and may be seen as a step
|
||
toward fulfilling the ultimate promise of the modern world--the creation of a
|
||
"Wiffle life" in which nothing serious ever happens.
|
||
|
||
Next time: Golf
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
|
||
|
||
Golf
|
||
New sports have won many adherents, but traditional sports continue to be
|
||
popular because it's hard to get Frisbee players to make bets and their dogs
|
||
usually don't carry cash. The other new sports are also difficult to gamble
|
||
on. It seems cruel to see who looks most like death warmed over after running
|
||
for twenty minutes. And, as for video games, no grown man likes to lose a
|
||
showbox full of quarters to a ten-year-old.
|
||
Many traditional sports have other virtues besides betting opportunities.
|
||
Golf, for instance, combines two favorite American pasttimes: taking long
|
||
walks and hitting things with a stick. Try to tailor your golfing behavior to
|
||
the low-key, low-pressure spirit of these antecedents. Calm the nerves of
|
||
fellow players by talking to them cheerfully while they tee off or attempt a
|
||
difficult putt. Help the groundskeeper do his job by making sure that the
|
||
grass roots are well aerated with divots. Give the caddy a chance to catch up
|
||
his exercises by trotting along side the golf cart with your bag on his
|
||
shoulder. And don't hit things you aren't supposed to. An important aspect of
|
||
golf is knowing what to hit.
|
||
Things You are Allowed to Hit in Golf
|
||
* Golf balls
|
||
* Golf balls with your shoe accidentally because the golf ball's lie was
|
||
so bad that you couldn't see it and kicked it out onto the fairway by accident.
|
||
* Trees, fence posts, and marker flags after you miss a shot.
|
||
* The bottle
|
||
* Yourself in the head
|
||
Things You Are NOT Allowed to Hit in Golf
|
||
* People in the foursome ahead of you, if one of them is likely to
|
||
blackball any of your business clients at the club.
|
||
* Your boss
|
||
* The caddy, if he's anybody's son.
|
||
|
||
Next time: More sports, like skiing and other racket sports
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
|
||
|
||
Party Drinks
|
||
The Traditional Party Bar
|
||
Long-establshed custom decrees that the well-stocked bar for a real party
|
||
should be made up of the following:
|
||
* 2 six-packs of Miller Lite
|
||
* 1 warm keg of extremely foamy Stroh's
|
||
* 150 half-gallon bottles of screw-top jug wine
|
||
* 40 bottles of gin
|
||
* 60 bottles of vodka
|
||
* 1 bottle of tonic
|
||
* 3 ice cubes
|
||
* a lime
|
||
Tradition may be broken if any of the drinks mentioned below are to be served:
|
||
|
||
* Dieter's Delight
|
||
Mix equal parts of oil and vinegar with two ounces of vodka and garnish
|
||
with a leaf of Romaine lettuce.
|
||
* Champagne Urbana
|
||
Domestic champagne (like J. Roget) served in a University of Illinois
|
||
varsity sweater. Soak sweater in a punch bowl and wring sleeves into guest's
|
||
mouths. Good for tailgate parties.
|
||
* Dinner Mint Julep
|
||
Urban variation of the old Southern standby. Use a small glass to crush
|
||
up two chololate-covered dinner mints in a splash of soda water. Add three
|
||
ounces of bourbon, strain, and pour into Collins glasses. Freshens the breath.
|
||
Tic Tacs may be substituted.
|
||
* Chicken Shot
|
||
Like a bullshot but mix chicken noodle soup instead of beef boullion with
|
||
the vodka. Your Jewish friends will particuarly enjoy this drink.
|
||
* Clarabell Cocktail
|
||
Fill one guest with Scotch, then squirt him in the face with a selzer
|
||
bottle. A nostalgia drink.
|
||
* Cold Buttered Rum
|
||
A hot weather drink. But rum, cinnamon, and cloves in a 12-ounce glass,
|
||
add cider, then use hotel butter pats instead of ice cubes.
|
||
* Hamnog
|
||
Combine three ounces of brandy with a tablespoon of sugar, one cup of
|
||
milk, and a half cup of crushed ice, then add sliced deli ham instead of an
|
||
egg. Cloves, rather than nutmeg, may be grated over the top.
|
||
* Liquor Daiquiri
|
||
Women expect anything in their daiquiris except booze. Put some booze in
|
||
there.
|
||
* Rum Gumbo Surprize
|
||
A bowl full of sliced okra and rum with live shrimp swimming in it.
|
||
* Whiskey Sweet and Sour
|
||
Pour three ounces of whiskey in a tall glass, and stir in Chinese food to
|
||
taste.
|
||
* Zen Martini
|
||
A martini with no vermouth at all. And no gin, either.
|
||
* Sucker Punch, Singapore Ass in a Sling, Attica Sunrise, Jungle Juice
|
||
There are names ofr Gatorade and grain alcohol. Mix half and half.
|
||
* Serving Drinks with a Garden Hose
|
||
The trick is to use one of those garden sprayer attatchments made to be
|
||
used with pesticide.
|
||
* Turning Your Car Trunk into a Punch Bowl
|
||
What a good idea. Why don't you try it?
|
||
* How to Keep Cocktail Onions out of the Filtration System When Making a
|
||
Martini the Size of a Swimming Pool
|
||
Use regular full-size onions instead.
|
||
|
||
Next time: Party food!
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
Accidental Real Trouble
|
||
Never get into trouble my mistake. Plane crashes, car wrecks, and
|
||
accidents while cleaning guns are all to impromptu for even the casual social
|
||
life of today. People will tell each other, "When something happens like that
|
||
there's just nothing you can say..." How true. And how boring. If you're
|
||
going to have a surprise mishap, try to be beaten to death by teenagers in the
|
||
restroom of a public park that's known to as a hangout for homosexuals (like
|
||
Oak). This will give everyone lots to say, especially your wife/girlfriend and
|
||
children.
|
||
The value of planning cannot be overestimated. If you are going to get
|
||
into real trouble, you should start laying the groundwork early in life by
|
||
being quiet, shy, a striaght-A student, and a dutiful child to your parents. It
|
||
gives no end of pleasure to everyone when a person like that throws a flaming
|
||
bucket of gasoline into the Senate from the visitor's gallery.
|
||
|
||
Next time: The Consequences of Real Trouble.
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
|
||
|
||
Horseback Riding
|
||
The term 'horseback riding' covers a wide variety of athletic activities.
|
||
All types of horseback riding should be done on a horse. Doing them on a naked
|
||
girl in a motel room is a different sport entirely, even if she lets you use
|
||
spurs.
|
||
Hunting and Fishing
|
||
Hunting and fishing are the ways polite society gets the murder out of its
|
||
system. If your bloodlust is not being fully satisfied in these sports,
|
||
perhaps you should go a step further and pluck birds and gut deer BEFORE you
|
||
kill them.
|
||
A polite hunter, however, is not deaf to the pleas of animal lovers.
|
||
Unless you are completely overcome by the desire to kill and maim, you should
|
||
do everything you can to make hunting more comfortable for the animals. Shoot
|
||
ducks on the water and pheasant on the ground so they will not have a long
|
||
painful fall after they are hit. Use shelled corn and salt licks to allow deer
|
||
a last meal before their demise. And shoot them right there where the bait is
|
||
so that they won't have to walk a long way on a full stomach. And be sure to
|
||
drink before hunting to give the animals a sporting chance to see some humans
|
||
killed.
|
||
But when you're fishing, these niceties of ettiquitte may be abandoned.
|
||
Fish are not smart enough to care about courtesy or sportsmanship, not even
|
||
trout. Go ahead and kill them with hand grenades if you get tired of screwing
|
||
around with flies.
|
||
|
||
Next time: Gambling
|
||
Major Pec... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
|
||
Pregnancy
|
||
A pregant woman is expected to act joyful and, indeed, she may be quite
|
||
happy if she has bulimia and enjoys throwing up.
|
||
Pregnant women should be given special treatment, especially by politicans
|
||
attempting to garner voets by emphasizing bogus 'family values' to a generation
|
||
of Americans who hated their families and everything to do with them. Pregnant
|
||
women should be given free prenatal care, free day care, 10,000-day paid
|
||
maternity leave, Medicare, Medicaid, and daily home visits by the Surgeon
|
||
General of the United States. To combat sexism, pregnant men should be given
|
||
the same privelages. The rest of the taxpayers can go get screwed--without
|
||
getting pregnant.
|
||
|
||
Infant Care
|
||
Correct infant care is vital producing 'Super Babies'. Super Babies are
|
||
similar to regualar babies except that they belong to you.
|
||
Never use commercially prepared baby food, as they are rumored to cause
|
||
cancer. Instead, feed your child the same grotesque and faddish food the you
|
||
eat: soy cakes, kelp, alcohol-free beer, 12 pounds of oat bran a day--whatever
|
||
dietary foolishness is current in your house. The force the rest of your
|
||
irrational activities on your child. It doesn't matter when the kid begins to
|
||
walk as long as he works out regularly at the gym and communicates openly with
|
||
his child psychiatrist as soon as possible.
|
||
An infant should be weaned from the breast as soon as the mother has had a
|
||
chance to discomfit her boss, mother-in-law, and husband's friends by
|
||
breast-feeding in public.
|
||
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
Next time: Toilet Training and other forms of Discipline
|
||
Toilet Training
|
||
Modern parents believe toilet training should be an easy and casual
|
||
affair. Just let the child shit all over everything. This prepares him for a
|
||
brilliant career as a talk show host.
|
||
|
||
Discipline
|
||
It used to be thought that children should act like 'little adults'. Like
|
||
many things that used to be thought, this is true. In fact, now more than
|
||
ever. Today's real adults are self-involved, impulsive, inarticulate, and
|
||
spand as much time as possible out playing. THey can't sit still, don't like
|
||
to get dressed up, and hate every kind of activity that requires
|
||
self-restraint. Adults are the children of today, and therefore children have
|
||
to be adults because there is only so much room in the world for kids.
|
||
One way to discipline a child is by having a tantrum. Cry, scream, or
|
||
hold your breath until the child behaves. When dealing with immature behavior
|
||
like nose picking, genital fondling, or public belching, try to be discreet so
|
||
your child won't make fun of you when you do it.
|
||
You can also reason with even the smallest child. Tell a baby, "When you
|
||
cry in the middle of the night and have to be fed and walked and burped, it,
|
||
like, you know, violates my space." This is useless but instructive. It
|
||
teaches both you and the child an important lesson in the powers of logic.
|
||
Do not be dismayed if your child seems to want more affection than
|
||
ignoring him provides. Children like a lot of affection, but they also like a
|
||
lot of candy, which goes to show that children have no idea what's good for
|
||
them. Explain to the child that it would be rude, a form of lying, really, to
|
||
show too much affection to somebody you're not going to sleep with.
|
||
|
||
Next time: Imparting Values to the Child
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
|
||
When should a man get an erection?
|
||
Whenever it becomes clear that a date is moving to its natural conclusion,
|
||
it is then polite for a man to begin having an erection. There is no better
|
||
compliment that a man can pay. To be courteous, however, a man refrains from
|
||
getting an erection until the kisses have passed from the closed mouth 'buss on
|
||
the lips' to the open mouthed 'French style.' A man gets a slight or salutory
|
||
erection when he strokes the breasts or buttocks of his date. He should get a
|
||
full erection whenever his date purposely touches his genitals. If there is
|
||
dance floor at the restaurant, a well-bred man gets an erection during close
|
||
dancing, but not during fast or 'disco' dancing when his erection would stick
|
||
out and spoil the lines of his suit. Erections are perfectly proper when
|
||
seated at the table, but a man should lose his immediately when he gets up to
|
||
go the the bathroom. Otherwise it will look as though he has someone waiting
|
||
in there. An erection in the car or taxicab after dinner is considered very
|
||
good manners. And a polite man always gets an erection during sex.
|
||
|
||
Dating Pitfalls
|
||
The one serious dating pitfall is the possibility that your date will
|
||
become infatuated for you. If you fear that your date is becoming infatuated
|
||
with you, what you should do is fart, as loudly as you can, right in front of
|
||
her (or him.) This may seem a coarse thing to do, but it is almost impossible
|
||
for someone to retain an idealized, dreamy image of you when you've just blown
|
||
the slipcovers off the furniture and killed all the pets.
|
||
|
||
Next time: More sex: If you must...
|
||
"Neither shalt thou lie with any beast to defile thyself therewith; neither
|
||
shall any woman stand before a beast to lie down thereto: it is confusion."
|
||
-- Leviticus 18:23
|
||
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
|
||
Dating Behavior
|
||
When a modern couple are out on a date, the key to behavior is equality.
|
||
If you are a man taking a woman out, you should not cut up her food for her,
|
||
tie her shoes, put her on your shoulders to watch a parade, or perform any of
|
||
the other services you would provide to a child or a trained chimpanzee. You
|
||
may, though, hold a door open, light a cigarette, or assist a woman with her
|
||
coat. In other words, you may extend various courtesies to a woman but only
|
||
those you would extend to another man. Whether you should fondle her knee or
|
||
run your hand up her skirt is another question. Health concerns being what
|
||
they are these days, I really don't know what you would do with a male friend
|
||
in a skirt under similar circumstances.
|
||
For reasons discussed earlier, men generally pay for all expenses on a
|
||
date. (Exceptions are made if the woman is uncommonly rich or ugly.) Either
|
||
sex, however, may bring a little gift, its value to be determined by the
|
||
bizarreness of the sexual request to be made later in the relationship. Telling
|
||
the difference between accepting these gifts and performing an act of
|
||
prosititution is easy, as there is no difference.
|
||
|
||
Where to Go on a Date
|
||
Sex without any social relationship preceding it is tantamount to treating
|
||
people like objects. People shouldn't be treated like objects. They aren't
|
||
that valuable. So you have to go someplace before you screw. And that place
|
||
is usually dinner.
|
||
Having dinner before sex gives you a chance to reconsider and masturbate
|
||
after all. A lot of people are better imagined in bed then found there in the
|
||
morning.
|
||
|
||
Next time: When Should a Man get an Erection?
|
||
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
|
||
|
||
The Consequences of Real Trouble
|
||
|
||
* Trials
|
||
If you're not killed immediately when you get into real trouble, you'll
|
||
have to stand trial.
|
||
Think of the jury as your friends. That way you'll be prepared when they
|
||
fuck you over.
|
||
Society holds trials for the same reason that Shakespeare had comic relief
|
||
in Macbeth. So try to make everyone laugh. Pleading innocent is usually the
|
||
best way to do this.
|
||
And finally, always dress for a trial in a manner that shows you to be a c
|
||
courteous and sophisticated person. You don't want people in the court to think
|
||
you ran your parents through a laundry mangler (whatever that is) out of
|
||
ingnorance and stupidity.
|
||
|
||
* Prison
|
||
If the jury feels they've really come to know and understand you, you'll
|
||
have to spend some time in prison. Being in prison is just like being a guest
|
||
at a cocktail party except you're sexually ravaged withOUT hints over cocktails
|
||
first.
|
||
Be sure to tip the help. If you tip them to what some of the other guests
|
||
are up to, you may get an early parole. Or a sharpened spoon-handle between
|
||
the ribs. Either way your stay will be shorter.
|
||
|
||
* Death Sentence
|
||
If you live in a state with capital punishment, try to think of something
|
||
piquant to say on your way to the gas chamber. "See you in hell, Mom," is
|
||
nice. Things like "I regret that I only have one life to give for my country"
|
||
and "Don't stop to mourn, organize!" sound too stiff for what's basically an
|
||
informal occasion.
|
||
|
||
Next time: The Leisure Effort: Sports Manners!
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
|
||
* Murder/Suicide
|
||
More thrillng than the simple suicide is the suicide where a bunch of
|
||
people are killed first. Try to pick people that you know. There's something
|
||
vulgar about killing strangers. This is why polite people were careful to
|
||
avoid the draft during the war in Vietnam.
|
||
The rules for killing people are similar to the rules for having houseguests
|
||
except, instead of doing everything you can to make your guests comfortable,
|
||
you should try to do everything you can to make them dead.
|
||
Only a very rude host would serve himself first. By the same token, only
|
||
a very rude murderer/suicide would kill himself first.
|
||
Try to kill people quickly. It's just as inconsiderate to torture people
|
||
to death as it is to torture them with a long, boring story about your
|
||
phychiatric problems.
|
||
|
||
* Killing Strangers
|
||
With the use of tact and consideration, killing srangers can be made less
|
||
vulgar, even socially acceptable. For instance, when sniping from the top of
|
||
a building, tryo to pick people that look as if they're having a bad day
|
||
anyhow. And never commit only one murder. You wouldn't serve a meal with
|
||
only one course. Frankly, it's COMMON.
|
||
Remember to think visually. If you commit your murders at all well,
|
||
there'll be a movie made about them. Out of consideration for the producer,
|
||
you want that movie to be a hit. Do your killing someplace with interesting
|
||
scenery and pick victims with colorful personalities or who resemble famous
|
||
actors. It also helps to give yourself a nickname that can be used as the
|
||
movie title. "The Earmuff Murderer," "The Six-Inch Naval Gun Killer," "The
|
||
Silly Strangler," and "The Sock-in-the-Mouth Suffocator" are several
|
||
possibilities.
|
||
|
||
Next time: Bombs, Hostage Taking, and Sexual Assault.
|
||
Major Pec... does your body good!
|
||
|
||
Conversation
|
||
Talk gives form and substance to various emotions, room and air to hidden
|
||
anxieties. It exalts the ego, perfects the self-image, and puts your mark on
|
||
the environment. When you go around at a party talking to everyperson in turn,
|
||
you're like a cat pissing in each corner of a new apartment.
|
||
In the present philosophical haze, talk is used sort of like a foghorn for
|
||
the ship of the mind. It announces your ever-shifting position on things int
|
||
hope that you will avoid having your hull puncutred by such metaphysical
|
||
iceberts as religion, channeling, or support for the Sandanistas. The fact
|
||
that foghorns are useless for avoiding icebergs only improves the metaphor.
|
||
Talking is helpful to those with severe problems. There is a belief
|
||
current that if you have severe problem and you talk about it, this makes
|
||
everything all right. If you climb up on top of a building and shoot a lot of
|
||
people with a high-powered rifle, you have a severe problem. If you refuse to
|
||
talk about this problem, if you claim that it was your brother or someone who
|
||
looked like you and you were really at the movies when all of this happened or
|
||
maybe you were watching TV because you don't remember for sure, your problem
|
||
will only get worse. You'll be convicted of murder. But if you proudly talk
|
||
about all the people you shot and how they wriggled like shiners on a fishhook
|
||
and how you laughed when they died, you'll be aquitted by reason of insanity.
|
||
And this makes everything all right.
|
||
Talking also helps fill certain voids in existence. In a world in which
|
||
we are constantly assaulted by stimuli--broadcast media, piped-in music, bright
|
||
lights, bold graphics, exotic scents; indeed, sights, sounds, and smells of
|
||
every kind--there are still moments of quiet, repose, and calm. You can get
|
||
rid of them by talking.
|
||
|
||
Next time: How to Talk--The Charm of Flattery
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
|
||
|
||
Skiing
|
||
The sport of skiing consists of wearing thousands dollars' worth of
|
||
clothes and equipment and driving two hundred miles in the snow in order to
|
||
stand around at a bar and get drunk.
|
||
Some people go out on the slopes, too, but this is not considered in the
|
||
best of taste because it gets snow tracked into the lodge. The best skiing is
|
||
always done on 'mahogany ridge.'
|
||
If you do go out onto the slopes, remember that long lift lines are
|
||
skiing's most common annoyance. Cut right in at the front of them and get
|
||
yourself on the chair immediately so that you aren't part of the lift-line
|
||
problem.
|
||
|
||
Tennis
|
||
Tennis has been discovered by people who are supposed to be bowling. The
|
||
world is severely in relief from tennis. Do what you can by organizing games
|
||
to be played on horseback. This will ruin almost any all-weather court and
|
||
eliminate further tennis playing. Or you can insist on playing some polite
|
||
variation, like armchair tennis. Armchair tennis is played by two opponents
|
||
seated on either side of the court in comfortable armchairs, Each player has a
|
||
huge pitcher of drinks and a hundred cans of tennis balls. Neither is
|
||
permitted to rise from his seat to return a ball. The first player who has to
|
||
go to the bathroom loses.
|
||
|
||
Other Raquet Sports
|
||
Squash, racquetball, paddleball, and other indoor modifications of tennis
|
||
are to tennis itself what secret homosexuality is to the gay rights
|
||
movement--an improvement, but no remedy. An end can be put to most of these
|
||
games by firing a golf ball into the court enclosures with a powerful
|
||
slingshot.
|
||
As for handball--the idea of a racket sport played without rackets is too
|
||
ludicrous even for discussion.
|
||
|
||
Next time: Softball and Volleyball and Your Sexual Parts
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
|
||
|
||
Gambling
|
||
Hunting is a replacement for murder. Gambling is a replacement for
|
||
inventiveness and entrepreneurship. These things are old-fashioned and don't
|
||
leave enough time for social graces. Thomas Edison and Henry Ford hardly ever
|
||
got the chance to kick back on the waterbed, scarf some Chinese take-out, and
|
||
listen to the new U2 album. They would have had a lot cooler heads if they had
|
||
made their money playing blackjack.
|
||
|
||
Marathon Running, Long-Distance Swimming, Bicycle Racing, and other Painful
|
||
Endurance Sports
|
||
The abolition of hard work and entrepreneurship has left voids in our
|
||
society, and so has the abolition of pain. Endurance sports provide people
|
||
with the pain they seem to be missing from modern dentistry and health care. Of
|
||
course it's also natural that in a self-actuated, self-aware society like ours
|
||
we would want some kind of pain that's self-inflicted. It's like the person
|
||
who commits suicide as a way of taking a stand against the death penalty.
|
||
Anyway, endurance sports provide polite, fashionable pain, which is
|
||
equally satisfying to sensible people because the participants in endurance
|
||
sports are so stupid. Marathon runners say they run because "it makes me feel
|
||
better about myself." More intelligent people do things that make OTHERS feel
|
||
better about THEM. What's the difference how you feel about yourself? You're
|
||
probably not in a position to give yourself a raise.
|
||
|
||
Dangerous Sports
|
||
The only polite thing to do when engaged in sky diving, hang gliding, ice
|
||
climbing, or any other dangerous sport is to die. That's what everyone is
|
||
waiting around for.
|
||
|
||
Next time: Silly Sports
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
|
||
|
||
Sports Manners
|
||
|
||
Many people who are normally polite turn discourteous and rude on the
|
||
playing field. Etiquette should have a guiding role in all aspects of life.
|
||
Good manners shouldn't be reserved only for social occasions such as making a
|
||
living. Good manners also have a place in the serious business life, which is
|
||
fooling around.
|
||
The most important part of sports is winning. Therefore it is imperative
|
||
for a courteous sportsman to be a good winner. A good winner always praises
|
||
the efforts of his opponent. He says something like, "I'm sure you would have
|
||
beaten me, Frank, if you weren't so fat." And a good winner is an honest
|
||
winner. He says, "You'll notice, Frank, that I still beat you even though you
|
||
lied about the ball being out of bounds." And a good winner never takes
|
||
advantage of a lesser opponent: "Let's make it double or nothing this time,
|
||
Frank--that way you'll have a chance to get your money back."
|
||
|
||
Next time: 'Lite' Sports
|
||
MAJOR PEC... Does Your Body Good!
|
||
|
||
|