990 lines
40 KiB
Plaintext
990 lines
40 KiB
Plaintext
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Introduction to the Notebooks of Lazarus Long.
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Of all the memorable characters created in the works of
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Robert A. Heinlein, Lazarus Long, the immortal, stands out beyond
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the rest. Lazarus first appeared in Methuselah's Children in
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1941, the central character of that novel which helped to
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establish the Golden Age of science fiction in Astounding
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magazine, and to establish Heinlein's future history series as a
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pinnacle of achievement in science fiction down to the present.
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But Heinlein's fans had to wait thirty years, until the
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publication of Time Enough for Love, for Lazarus to return to
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center stage.
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Heinlein's future history, the massive series of stories and
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novels collected in The Past Through Tomorrow and Orphans of the
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Sky, was not completed until the appearance of Time Enough for
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Love, the longest and most highly developed of all Heinlein's
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novels, in which Lazarus Long, the oldest living member of the
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human race, lives and travels through time and space and unifies
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the great series.
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Lazarus will never die. Humanity's dream of immortality is
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embodied in this wily lovable character who is, most of all,
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wise. His experience, over the thousands of years of his life,
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his continued zest for life, his ironic appreciation of the
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successes and failures of human society make his observation in
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his notebooks, originally published as interludes in Heinlein's
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huge novel of eternal life, essential reading. And the notebooks
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of Lazarus Long are entertaining. From the smallest details of
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daily fife to over-arching abstractions on the nature of the
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human condition, Lazarus' comments are acute, lively and
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intelligent.
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So here are The Notebooks of Lazarus Long (alias Woodrow
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Wilson Smith; Mr. Justice Lenox; Corporal Ted Bronson; Proscribed
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Prisoner No. 83M2742; His Serenity Seraphin Above; et al. ad
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infinitum) - oldest living member of the human race by virtue of
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a unique set of chromosomes, clonal and other rejuvenation
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techniques, and a finely tuned sense of rational self-interest -
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who has pioneered eight planets, survived at least one lynch mob
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and many wives, fought in fifteen interstellar wars, made and
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lost numerous fortunes, and fathered a progeny which numbers in
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the billions. Read them for sheer enjoyment or to ponder their
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didactic message.
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Copyright (C) 1973 by Robert A Heinlein
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1
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Always store beer in a dark place.
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By the data to date, there is only one animal in
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the Galaxy dangerous to man - man himself. So he must
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supply his own indispensable competition. He has no
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enemy to help him.
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Men are more sentimental than women. It blurs
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their thinking.
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Certainly the game is rigged. Don't let that stop
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you; if you don't bet, you can't win.
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Any priest or shaman must be presumed guilty until
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proved innocent.
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Always listen to experts. They'll tell you what
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can't be done, and why. Then do it.
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Get a shot off fast. This upsets him long enough
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to let you make your second shot perfect.
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If it can't be expressed in figures, it is not
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science; it is opinion.
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It has long been known that one horse can run
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faster than another - but which one? Differences are
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crucial.
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A fake fortuneteller can be tolerated. But an
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authentic soothsayer should be shot on sight.
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Cassandra did not get half the kicking around she
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deserved.
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Delusions are often functional. A mother's
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opinions about her children's beauty, intelligence,
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goodness et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning
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them at birth.
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Most "scientists" are bottle washer and button
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sorters.
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2
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A "pacifist male" is a contradiction in terms.
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Most self-described "pacifists" are not pacific; they
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simply assume false colors. When the wind changes,
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they hoist the Jolly Roger.
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Nursing does not diminish the beauty of a woman's
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breasts; it enhances their charm by making them look
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lived in and happy.
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A generation which ignores history has no past -
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and no future.
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A poet who reads his verse in public may have other
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nasty habits.
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What a wonderful world it is that has girls in it!
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Small change can often be found under seat
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cushions.
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History does not record anywhere at any time a
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religion that has any rational basis. Religion is a
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crutch for people not strong enough to stand up to the
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unknown without help. But, like dandruff, most people
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do have a religion and spend time and money on it and
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seem to derive considerable pleasure from fiddling with
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it.
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It's amazing how much "mature wisdom" resembles
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being too tired.
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If you don't like yourself, you can't like other
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people.
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Your enemy is never a villain in his own eyes.
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Keep this in mind; it may offer a way to make him our
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friend. If not, you can kill him without hate - and
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quickly.
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A motion to adjourn is always in order.
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3
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No state has an inherent right to survive through
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conscript troops and in the long run, no state ever
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has. Roman matrons used to say to their sons: "Come
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back with your shield, or on it." Later on, this
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custom declined. So did Rome.
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Of all the strange "crimes" that human beings have
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legislated out of nothing, "blasphemy" is the most
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amazing - with "obscenity" and "indecent exposure"
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fighting it out for second and third place.
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Cheops' Law: Nothing ever gets built on schedule
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or within budget.
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It is better to copulate then never.
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All societies are based on rules to protect
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pregnant women and young children. All else is
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surplusage, excrescence, adornment, luxury, or folly
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which can - and must - be dumped in emergency to
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preserve this prime function. As racial survival is
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the only universal morality, no other basic is
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possible. Attempts to formulate a "perfect society" on
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any foundation other than "Women and children first!"
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is not only witless, it is automatically genocidal.
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Nevertheless, starry-eyed idealists (all of them male)
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have tried endlessly - and no doubt will keep on
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trying.
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All men are created unequal.
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Money is a powerful aphrodisiac. But flowers work
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almost as well.
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A brute kills for pleasure. A fool kills from
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hate.
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There is only one way to console a widow. But
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remember the risk.
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When the need arises - and it does - you must be
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able to shoot your own dog. Don't farm it out - that
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doesn't make it nicer, it makes it worse.
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4
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Everything in excess! To enjoy the flavor of life,
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take big bites. Moderation is for monks.
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It may be better to be a live jackal than a dead
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lion, but is is better still to be a live lion. And
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usually easier.
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One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
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Sex should be friendly. Otherwise stick to
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mechanical toys; it's more sanitary.
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Men rarely (if ever) manage to dream up a god
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superior themselves. Most gods have the manners and
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morals of a spoiled child.
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Never appeal to a man's "better nature." He may
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not have one. Invoking his self-interest gives you
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more leverage.
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Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
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You can have peace. Or you can have freedom. Don't
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ever count on having both at once.
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Avoid making irrevocable decisions while tired or
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hungry. N.B.: Circumstances can force your hand. So
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think ahead!
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Place your clothes and weapons where you can find
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them in the dark.
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An elephant: A mouse built to government
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specifications.
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A committee is a life form with six or more legs
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and no brain.
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5
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Throughout history, poverty is the normal condition
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of man. Advances which permit this norm to be exceeded
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- here and there, now and then - are the work of an
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extremely small minority, frequently despised, often
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condemned, and almost always opposed by all right-
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thinking people. Whenever this tiny minority is kept
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from creating, or (as sometimes happens) is driven out
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of a society, the people then slip back into abject
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poverty.
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This is known as "bad luck."
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In a mature society, "civil servant" is
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semantically equal to "civil master."
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When a place gets crowded enough to require ID's,
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social collapse is not far away. It is time to go
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elsewhere. The best thing about space travel is that
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it made it possible to go elsewhere.
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A woman is not property, and husbands who think
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otherwise are living in a dreamworld.
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The second best thing about space travel is that
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the distances involved make war very difficult, usually
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impractical, and almost always unnecessary. This is
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probably a loss for most people, since war is our
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race's most popular diversion, one which gives purpose
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and color to dull and stupid lives. But it is a great
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boon to the intelligent man who fights only when he
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must - never for sport.
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A zygote is a gamete's way of producing more
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gametes. This may be the purpose of the universe.
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6
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There are hidden contradictions in the minds of
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people who "love Nature" while deploring the
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"artificialities" with which "Man has spoiled
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'Nature.'" The obvious contradiction lies in their
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choice of words, which imply that Man and his artifacts
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are not part of "Nature" - but beavers and their dams
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are. But the contradictions go deeper than this prima-
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facie absurdity. In declaring his love for a beaver
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dam (erected by beavers for beavers' purposes) and his
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hatred for dams erected by men (for the purposes of
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men) the "Naturist" reveals his hatred for his own race
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- i.e., his own self-hatred.
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In the case of "Naturists" such self-hatred is
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understandable; they are such a sorry lot. But hatred
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is too strong an emotion to feel toward them; pity and
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contempt are the most they rate.
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As for me, willy-nilly I am a man, not a beaver,
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and H. sapiens is the only race I have or can have.
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Fortunately for me, I like being part of a race made up
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of men and women - it strikes me as a fine arrangement
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and perfectly "natural."
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Believe it or not, there were "Naturists" who
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opposed the first flight to old Earth's Moon as being
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"unnatural" and a "despoiling of Nature."
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"No man is an island -" Much as we may feel and act
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as individuals, our race is a single organism, always
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growing and branching - which must be pruned regularly
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to be healthy. This necessity need not be argued;
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anyone with eyes can see that any organism which grows
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without limit always dies in its own poisons. The only
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rational question is whether pruning is best done
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before for after birth.
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Being an incurable sentimentalist I favor the
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former of these methods - killing makes me queasy, even
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when it's a case of "He's dead and I'm alive and that's
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the way I wanted it to be."
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But this may be a matter of taste. Some shamans
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think that is is better to be killed in a war, or to
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die in childbirth, or to starve in misery, than never
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to have lived at all. They may be right.
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But I don't have to like it - and I don't.
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Democracy is based on the assumption that a million
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men are wiser than one man. How's that again? I missed
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something.
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Autocracy is based on the assumption that one man
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is wiser than a million men. Let's play that over
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again, too. Who decides?
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7
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Any government will work if authority and
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responsibility are equal and coordinate. This does not
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insure "good" government; it simply insures that it
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will work. But such governments are rare - most people
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want to run things but want no part of the blame. This
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used to be called the "backseat-driver syndrome."
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What are the facts? Again and again and again -
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what are the facts? Shun wishful thinking, ignore
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divine revelation, forget what "the stars foretell,"
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avoid opinion, care not what the neighbors think, never
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mind the unguessable "verdict of history" - what are
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the facts, and to how many decimal places? You pilot
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always into an unknown future; facts are your single
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clue. Get the facts!
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Stupidity cannot be cured with money, or through
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education, or by legislation. Stupidity is not a sin,
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the victim can't help being stupid. But stupidity is
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the only universal capital crime; the sentence is
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death, there is no appeal, and execution is carried out
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automatically and without pity.
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God in omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -
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it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind
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capable of believing all three of these divine
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attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain
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for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills.
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Courage is the complement of fear. A man who is
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fearless cannot be courageous. (He is also a fool.)
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The two highest achievements of the human mind are
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the twin concepts of "loyalty" and "duty." Whenever
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these twin concepts fall into disrepute - get out of
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there fast! You may possibly save yourself, but it is
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too late to save that society. It is doomed.
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People who go broke in a big way never miss any
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meals. It is the poor jerk who is shy a half slug who
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must tighten his belt.
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The truth of a proposition has nothing to do with
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its credibility. And vice versa.
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8
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Anyone who cannot cope with mathematics is not
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fully human. At best he is a tolerable subhuman who
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has learned to wear shoes, bathe, and not make messes
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in the house.
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Moving parts in rubbing contact require lubrication
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to avoid excessive wear. Honorifics and formal
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politeness provide lubrication where people rub
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together. Often the very young, the untraveled, the
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naive, the unsophisticated deplore these formalities as
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"empty," "meaningless," or "dishonest," and scorn to
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use them. No matter how "pure" their motive, they
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thereby throw sand into machinery that does not work
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too well at best.
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A human being should be able to change a diaper,
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plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a
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building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a
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wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give
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orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze
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a new problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a
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tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly.
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Specialization is for insects.
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The more you love, the more you can love - and the
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more intensely you love. Nor is there any limit on how
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many you can love. If a person had time enough, he
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could love all of that majority who are decent and
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just.
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Masturbation is cheap, clean, convenient, and free
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of any possibility of wrongdoing - and you don't have
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to go home in the cold. But it's lonely.
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Beware of altruism. It is based on self-deception,
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the root of all evil.
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If tempted by something that feels "altruistic,"
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examine your motives and root out that self-deception.
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Then if you still want to do it, wallow in it!
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9
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The most preposterous notion that H. sapiens has
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ever dreamed up is that the Lord God of Creation,
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Shaper and Ruler of all the Universes, wants the
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saccharine adoration of His creatures, can be swayed by
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their payers, and becomes petulant if He does not
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receive this flattery. Yet this absurd fantasy,
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without a shred of evidence to bolster it, pays all the
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expenses of the oldest, largest, and least productive
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industry in all history.
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The second most preposterous notion is that
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copulation is inherently sinful.
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Writing is not necessarily something to be ashamed
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of - but do it in private and wash your hands
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afterwards.
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$100 placed at 7 percent interest compounded
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quarterly for 200 years will increase to more than
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$100,000,000 - by which time it will be worth nothing.
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Dear, don't bore him with trivia or burden him with
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your past mistakes. The happiest way to deal with a
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man is never to tell him anything he does not need to
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know.
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Darling, a true lady takes off her dignity with her
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clothes and does her whorish best. At other times you
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can be as modest and dignified as your persona
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requires.
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Everybody lies about sex.
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If men were the automatons that behaviorists claim
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they are, the behaviorist psychologists could not have
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invented the amazing nonsense called "behaviorist
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psychology." So they are wrong from scratch - as
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clever and as wrong as phlogiston chemists.
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The shamans are forever yacking abut their snake-
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oil "miracles." I prefer the Real McCoy - a pregnant
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woman.
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If the universe has any purpose more important than
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topping a woman you love and making a baby with her
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hearty help, I've never heard of it.
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10
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Thou shalt remember the Eleventh Commandment and
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keep it Wholly.
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A touchstone to determine the actual worth of an
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"intellectual" - find out how he feels about astrology.
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|
||
Taxes are not levied for the benefit of the taxed.
|
||
|
||
|
||
There is no such thing as "social gambling."
|
||
Either you are there to cut the other bloke's heart out
|
||
and eat it - or you're a sucker. If you don't like
|
||
this choice - don't gamble.
|
||
|
||
|
||
When the ship lifts, all bills are paid. No
|
||
regrets.
|
||
|
||
|
||
The first time I was a drill instructor I was too
|
||
inexperienced for the job - the things I taught those
|
||
lads must have got some of them killed. War is too
|
||
serious a matter to be taught by the inexperienced.
|
||
|
||
|
||
A competent and self-confident person is incapable
|
||
of jealousy in anything. Jealousy is invariably a
|
||
symptom of neurotic insecurity.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Money is the sincerest of all flattery.
|
||
Women love to be flattered.
|
||
So do men.
|
||
|
||
|
||
You live and learn. Or you don't live long.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Whenever women have insisted on absolute equality
|
||
with men, they have invariably wound up with the dirty
|
||
end of the stick. What they are and what they can do
|
||
makes them superior to men, and their proper tactic is
|
||
to demand special privileges, all the traffic will
|
||
bear. They should never settle merely for equality.
|
||
For women, "equality" is a disaster.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Peace is an extension of war by political means.
|
||
Plenty of elbowroom is pleasanter - and much safer.
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
11
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
|
||
"Supernatural" is a null word.
|
||
|
||
|
||
The phrase "we (I)(you) simply must -" designates
|
||
something that need not be done. "That goes without
|
||
saying" is a red warning. "Of course" means you had
|
||
best check it yourself. These small-change cliches and
|
||
others like them, when read correctly, are reliable
|
||
channel markers.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Do not handicap your children by making their lives
|
||
easy.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Rub her feet.
|
||
|
||
|
||
If you happen to be one of the fretful minority who
|
||
can do creative work, never force an idea; you'll abort
|
||
it if you do. Be patient and you'll give birth to it
|
||
when the time is ripe. Learn to wait.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Never crowd youngsters about their private affairs
|
||
- sex especially. When they are growing up, they are
|
||
nerve ends all over, and resent (quite properly) any
|
||
invasion of their privacy. Oh, sure, they'll make
|
||
mistakes - but that's their business, not yours. (You
|
||
made your own mistakes, did you not?)
|
||
|
||
|
||
Never understate the power of human stupidity.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Always tell her she is beautiful, especially if she
|
||
is not.
|
||
|
||
|
||
If you are part of a society that votes, then do
|
||
so. There may be no candidates and no measures you
|
||
want to vote for . . . but there are certain to be ones
|
||
you want to vote against. In case of doubt, vote
|
||
against. By this rule you will rarely go wrong.
|
||
If this is too blind for your taste, consult some
|
||
well-meaning fool (there is always one around) and ask
|
||
his advice. Then vote the other way. This enables you
|
||
to be a good citizen (if such is your wish) without
|
||
spending the enormous amount of time on it that
|
||
intelligent exercise of franchise requires.
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
12
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
Sovereign ingredient for a happy marriage: Pay
|
||
cash or do without. Interest charges not only eat up a
|
||
household budget; awareness of debt eats up domestic
|
||
felicity.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Those who refuse to support and defend a state have
|
||
no claim to protection by that state. Killing an
|
||
anarchist or a pacifist should not be defined as
|
||
"murder" in a legalistic sense. The offense against
|
||
the state, if any, should be "Using deadly weapons
|
||
inside city limits, " or "Creating a traffic hazard,"
|
||
or "Endangering bystanders," or other misdemeanor.
|
||
However, the state may reasonably place a closed
|
||
season on these exotic asocial animals whenever they
|
||
are in danger of becoming extinct. An authentic buck
|
||
pacifist has rarely been seen off Earth, and it is
|
||
doubtful that any have survived the trouble there . . .
|
||
regrettable, as they had the biggest mouths and the
|
||
smallest brains of any of the primates.
|
||
The small-mouthed variety of anarchist has spread
|
||
through the Galaxy at the very wave front of the
|
||
Diaspora; there is no need to protect them. But they
|
||
often shoot back.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Another ingredient for a happy marriage: Budget
|
||
the luxuries first!
|
||
|
||
|
||
And still another - See to that she has her own
|
||
desk - then keep your hands off it!
|
||
|
||
|
||
And another - in a family argument, if it turns out
|
||
you are right - apologize at once!
|
||
|
||
|
||
"God split himself into a myriad parts that he
|
||
might have friends." This may not be true, but it
|
||
sounds good - and is no sillier than any other
|
||
theology.
|
||
|
||
|
||
To stay young requires unceasing cultivation of the
|
||
ability to unlearn old falsehoods.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Does history record any case in which the majority
|
||
was right?
|
||
|
||
|
||
When the fox gnaws - smile!
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
13
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
A "critic" is a man who creates nothing and thereby
|
||
feels qualified to judge the work of creative men.
|
||
There is logic in this, he is unbiased - he hates all
|
||
creative people equally.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Money is truthful. If a man speaks of his honor,
|
||
make him pay cash.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Never frighten a little man. He'll kill you.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Only a sadistic scoundrel - or a fool - tells the
|
||
bald truth on social occasions.
|
||
|
||
|
||
This sad little lizard told me that he was a
|
||
brontosaurus on his mother's side. I did not laugh;
|
||
people who boast of ancestry often have little else to
|
||
sustain them. Humoring them costs nothing and adds to
|
||
happiness in a world in which happiness is always in
|
||
short supply.
|
||
|
||
|
||
In handling a stinging insect, move very slowly.
|
||
|
||
|
||
To be "matter of fact" about the world is to
|
||
blunder into fantasy - and dull fantasy at that, as the
|
||
real world is strange and wonderful.
|
||
|
||
|
||
The difference between science and the fuzzy
|
||
subjects is that science requires reasoning, while
|
||
those other subjects merely require scholarships.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Copulation is spiritual in essence - or it is
|
||
merely friendly exercise. On second thought, strike
|
||
out "merely." Copulation is not "merely" - even when
|
||
it is just a happy pastime for two strangers. But
|
||
copulation at its spiritual best is so much more than
|
||
physical coupling that it is different in kind as well
|
||
as in degree.
|
||
The saddest feature of homosexuality is not that it
|
||
is "wrong" or "sinful" or even that it can't lead to
|
||
progeny - but that it is more difficult to reach
|
||
through it this spiritual union. Not impossible - but
|
||
the cards are stacked against it.
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
14
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
Touch is the most fundamental sense. A baby
|
||
experiences it, all over, before he is born and long
|
||
before he learns to use sight, hearing, or taste, and
|
||
no human ever ceases to need it. Keep your children
|
||
short on pocket money - but long on hugs.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Secrecy is the beginning of tyranny.
|
||
|
||
|
||
The greatest productive force is human selfishness.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at
|
||
tax collectors - and miss.
|
||
|
||
|
||
The profession of shaman has many advantages. It
|
||
offers high status with a safe livelihood free of work
|
||
in the dreary, sweaty sense. In most societies it
|
||
offers legal privileges and immunities not granted to
|
||
other men. But it is hard to see how a man who has
|
||
been given a mandate from on High to spread tidings of
|
||
joy to all mankind can be seriously interested in
|
||
taking up a collection to pay his salary; it causes one
|
||
to suspect that the shaman is on the moral level of any
|
||
other con man.
|
||
But it's lovely work if you can stomach it.
|
||
|
||
|
||
A whore should be judged by the same criteria as
|
||
other professionals offering services for pay - such as
|
||
dentists, lawyers, hairdressers, physicians, plumbers,
|
||
etc. Is she professionally competent? Does she give
|
||
good measure? Is she honest with her clients?
|
||
It is possible that the percentage of honest and
|
||
competent whores is higher than that of plumbers and
|
||
much higher than that of lawyers. And enormously
|
||
higher than that of professors.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Minimize your therbligs until it becomes automatic;
|
||
this doubles your effective lifetime - and thereby
|
||
gives time to enjoy butterflies and kittens and
|
||
rainbows.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Have you noticed how much they look like orchids?
|
||
Lovely!
|
||
|
||
|
||
Expertise in one field does not carry over into
|
||
other fields. But experts often think so. The
|
||
narrower their field of knowledge the more likely they
|
||
are to think so.
|
||
|
||
|
||
15
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
|
||
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Tilting at windmills hurts you more than the
|
||
windmills.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Yield to temptation; it may not pass your way
|
||
again.
|
||
|
||
|
||
Waking a person unnecessarily should not be
|
||
considered a capital crime. For a first offense, that
|
||
is.
|
||
|
||
|
||
"Go to hell!" or other insult direct is all the
|
||
answer a snoopy question rates.
|
||
|
||
|
||
The correct way to punctuate a sentence that
|
||
starts: "Of course it is none of my business but -" is
|
||
to place a period after the word "but." Don't use
|
||
excessive force in supplying such moron with a period.
|
||
Cutting his throat is only a momentary pleasure and is
|
||
bound to get you talked about.
|
||
|
||
|
||
A man does not insist on physical beauty in a woman
|
||
who builds up his morale. After a while he realizes
|
||
that she is beautiful - he just hadn't noticed it at
|
||
first.
|
||
|
||
|
||
A skunk is better company than a person who prides
|
||
himself on being "frank."
|
||
|
||
|
||
"All's fair in love and war" - what a contemptible
|
||
lie!
|
||
|
||
|
||
Beware of the "Black Swan" fallacy. Deductive
|
||
logic is tautological; there is no way to get a new
|
||
truth out of it, and it manipulates false statements as
|
||
readily as true ones. If you fail to remember this, it
|
||
can trip you - with perfect logic. 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Soon enough you will know. So why fret about it?
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"I came, I saw, she conquered." (The original
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Latin seems to have been garbled.)
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Don't try to have the last word. You might get it.
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Lazarus Long
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19
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