525 lines
22 KiB
Plaintext
525 lines
22 KiB
Plaintext
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Best of The David Letterman Top 10 Lists
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Top Ten Least Popular Broadway Shows
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10. Oprah-homa!
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9. Sunday in the Park with George Steinbrenner
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8. Twelve Angry Men and a Baby
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7. Sharptonmania
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6. Roy Rogers' Incontinent Dog and Monkey Rodeo
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5. I'm Not Gonna Pay a Lot for This Muffler: A Dramatic Reading by
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James Earl Jones
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4. David Brinkley's Enchanted World of Magic and Illusion
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3. Meese!
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2. Death of an Amway Salesman
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1. Oh! Velveeta!
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Top Ten Least-Loved Christmas Stories
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=========================================================================
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10. Amahl and the Gorgeous Ladies of Wrestling
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9. The Sweatiest Angel
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8. Santa's Three-Day Eggnog Bender
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7. Christmas Eve at the All-Male Cinema
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6. A Holiday Visit from Salmonella
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5. Ironman Mike Tyson Hurts Santa Real Bad
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4. My Christmas Sauna with Burl Ives
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3. Jack Frost Loses the Feeling in His Extremities
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2. I Saw Daddy Kissing Santa Claus
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1. The Teddy Bear Who Came to Life and Mauled a Retail Clerk
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Top Ten Summer Jobs in Hell
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========================================================================
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10. Intestine adjuster
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9. Professional bowler chaperone
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8. Pit bull tickler
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7. Rex Reed's living chair
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6. Cleveland Indians ticket scalper
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5. Personal scratcher to Mr. Ed Asner
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4. Understudy to big Kool-Aid pitcher
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3. Hornet groomer
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2. Staff psychologist, Islamic Jihad
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1. Human axle, Raymond Burr's town car
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Top Ten Courses for Athletes at SMU
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-----------------------------------------------------------------
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10. Subtraction: Addition's Tricky Pal
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9. The First 30 Pages of "A Tale of Two Cities": Foundation of
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a Classic
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8. Sandwich-making (final project required)
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7. Alumni-owned Hotels, Resturants, and Car Dealerships: The
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Interlocking Economy
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6. Pre-Law Seminar: Age of Consent in the 50 States
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5. The Denny's Menu: Recent Discoveries
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4. The Bunny and the Wolf: Hand Shadow Workshop
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3. Draw Winky
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2. From "First Love" to "Looker": The Films in Which Susan Dey
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Appears Naked
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1. The Poetry of Hank Stram
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Dan Quayle's Top Ten National Guard Duties
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-----------------------------------------------------------------
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10. Make sure Armory's vending machines never run out of pretzel
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sticks
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9. Look through catalogs for cute gifts of officer's wives
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8. Enforce "no horseplay" rule at public pools
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7. Play hula girl on skit night
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6. Make sure hot side stays hot, cool side cool
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5. Make cool explosion sounds when platoon trains with dummy grenades
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4. Beat local Scout troops to best lakeside campsites
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3. Keep guys without shirts from entering 7-11s
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2. Write to Nancy Sinatra; urge her to visit base
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1. Round-the-clock blob watch
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Libya's Top Ten Derogatory Terms for Americans
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10. Imperialist Pigs
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9. Yankee Jackals
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8. Milkshake-Swilling Devils
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7. Bowling-Addicted Hyenas
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6. Fess Parkers
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5. Steak-Gorged Gunslingers
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4. Red-White-and-Goofies
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3. Hedge-Trimming Elvis-Lovers
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2. Beardless Buick Jockeys
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1. Golfshoe Geeks
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Top Ten Dukakis Excuses
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-----------------------------------------------------------------
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10. Forgot to wear "lucky" shorts
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9. Thought election was first Tuesday in _December_
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8. It's just a big popularity contest
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7. Used Wendell to warm up campus crowds
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6. Couldn't believe anyone in a million, jillion years would ever
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vote for George Bush
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5. Extensive campaigning in Belgium was a waste of time
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4. Fell for Bush's old "You vote for me and I'll vote for you" trick
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3. Insert your own eyebrow joke here
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2. Ill-advised pledge to "tax you bastards back to the Stone Age"
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1. Didn't care about the Presidency, just wanted to win $20 bet that
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I could do better than Mondale
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Top Ten Least Popular Exhibits at the Baseball Hall of Fame
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10. The Tobacco Juice Fountain and Reflecting Pool
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9. Babe Ruth's cup
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8. What's It Like to Get Hit in the Head with a Nolan Ryan Fastball
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7. The Yogi Berra Kissing Booth
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6. The giant stack of Pete Rose's losing OTB tickets
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5. Display case of garbage thrown at the San Diego Chicken
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4. Steve Garbey's bed and on-deck circle
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3. Cocktail glass filled with Billy Martin's knocked-out teeth
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2. Scratch a Real Big Leaguer
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1. The Audioanimatronic Mookie
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Bernhard Goetz's Top Ten Pickup Lines
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10. Excuse me, miss. I was shooting at the gentleman next to you
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9. How'd you like to double date with the Sliwas?
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8. Care to dance with an intense, guntoting loner?
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7. You would have a very curvy chalk outline
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6. I hate these pistol ranges. They're just meat markets
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5. Sure -- I know Gabe Pressman _personally_
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4. Give me a scotch and soda and see what the punk on the floor
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will have
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3. Which do you think is funnier -- Deathwish 2 or Deathwish 3?
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2. The evening is young. Let's clean up this town
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1. That _is_ a gun in my pocket and I _am_ glad to see you
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Top Ten Excuses of the Exxon Tanker Captain
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10. Was trying to scrape ice off reef for margarita.
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9. Thought harbor was filled with the soft, fluffy kind of rocks
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8. Felt flourishing salmon population was getting a little cocky lately.
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7. Wanted to impress Jodie Foster
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6. Kept drinking beer to was away taste of cheap scotch
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5. First mate and I were having "tastes great/less filling" argument
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4. Swerving to avoid oncoming Eastern Airlines jet
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3. You really need a good nap after downing a pitcher of frozen daquiris
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2. Hoping to dislodge any whales that might be trapped in the ice
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1. Man, was I FACED!
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Bigfoot's Top Ten Peeves
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10. Fat guys who lounge around the campground shirtless
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9. Nobody ever goes after Alf with tranquilizer darts
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8. Chicks who have a hangup about lice-infested body hair
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7. This Dan Quayle Joke
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6. Kids would rather see the San Diego Chicken
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5. Lead role in "The Ed Asner Story" never materialized
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4. The way squirrels smell when they're damp
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3. Elvis always drops by right before dinner
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2. Honking Winnebagos while you're trying to enjoy road kill
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1. Drivers license photo makes him look like Gregg Allman
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Top Ten Headlines That Would Start a Panic
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========================================================================
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10. Casey Kasem Builds Own Nuclear Device
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9. Yanks Swap Mattingly for Eve Arden
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8. Walking Dead Stalk City, Demand Soul Kisses
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7. It Turns Out You Really Need Your Tonsils
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6. Seals & Croft, Brewer and Shipley to Form Supergroup
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5. Nell Carter, _Playboy_ Magazine Reach Terms
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4. Constitution Thrown Out In Favor of Old "Marmaduke" Cartoon
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3. "Sometimes When We Touch" Made National Anthem
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2. Willy Nelson Discovered Washing Hair in NYC Water Supply
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1. "Late Night" to Begin Top Twenty Lists
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Top Ten Christmas Tips From General Electric
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======================================================================
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10. If one light bulb in your house goes out, replace them all
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9. Flourescent tubes make great Star Wars swords for the kids
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8. BLow-dryers can be used to keep food warm
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7. Big corporations shouldn't commercialize this blessed season by
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handing out bonuses
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6. Keeping several TVs and radios on all the time creates a feeling
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of warmth and intimacy
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5. We heart that Sylvania bulbs give off some kind of poison gas
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4. Same deal with Westimghouse
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3. Electric toothbrushes should be left on all day to keep them loose
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2. A GE industrial turbine makes a one-of-a-kind stocking stuffer
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1. Warranties, like greeting cards, should be thrown out
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Jim Bakker's Top Ten Pickup Lines
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============================================================
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10. Pray here often?
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9. Your eyes are the same color as my leisure suit.
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8. Let me give you my 800 number.
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7. What's your favorite - Old or New Testament?
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6. I can give you a lift as far as Charlotte
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5. If I don't get two million women by June first, God will kill me!
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4. But you're not married to your cousin _yet_
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3. I look like a frog, but I love like a stallion
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2. You're not Jewish, are you?
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1. Tiffany Lurlene? Why, that was my mother's name!
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Subway Punks' Top Ten Etiquette Tips
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=========================================================================
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10. When passing a sharpened screwdriver to a friend, remember - it's
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_handle_ first
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9. Don't be selfish; share your music with everyone in the car
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8. Always say, "Could I have five dollars, _please_?"
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7. Allow your elders and ladies to jump turnstile ahead of you
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6. Lookouts work as hard as anybody, a 15% gratuity is customary
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5. Don't embarass a victim by pointing out a fake Rolex
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4. When two wolf packs meet in a car, the group moving from front
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to rear has the right of way
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3. Victims who don't press charges deserve a nice thank-you note
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2. Learning a few phrases in a freign language can save you minutes of
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fruitless shoving and slapping
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1. Don't be greedy; leave some valuables for the next gang of toughs
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Top Ten Children's Books NOT Recommended by the National Library Association
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==============================================================================
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10. Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence
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9. The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables
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8. Legends of Scab Football
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7. Teddy: The Elf with a Detached Retina
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6. Tommy Tune: Boy Choreographer
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5. Joe Garagiola Retells Favorite Fairy Tales but Can't Remember the Endings
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to All of Them
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4. Ed Beckley's Start a Real Estate Empire with Change from Mom's Purse
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3. Things Rich Kids Have That You Never Will
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2. Let's Draw Betty and Veronica with Their Clothes Off
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1. The Care Bears Maul Some Campers and Are Shot Dead
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Dan Quayle's Top Ten Pickup Lines
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========================================================================
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10. Didn't we almost flunk out of school together?
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9. How about a drink with a historical footnote?
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8. I sure would have gone to Vietnam if the Cong looked like you
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7. Can my father buy you a drink?
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6. You could close your eyes and pretend I'm Jack Kemp
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5. I think I saw Elvis last week at the Stuckey's on the interstate
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4. Look! I've got a bunch of balloons with my name on them!
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3. A girl like you could help a guy forget the irreparable damage he's
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done to the Republican Party
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2. I'll be Vice President after we beat Dukakis and Lloyd Bridges
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1. Why, yes, I am Pat Sajak
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Top Ten Least Popular Attractions at Disney World
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=========================================================================
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10. The Raw Sewage Flume
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9. Oprah Mountain
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8. Moses Malone's Enchanted Laundry Hamper
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7. Parade of Short Actors in Stifling Animal Suits
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6. Pegleg Pete's Prison Shower Room
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5. Muggyland
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4. Hall of Vice Presidents
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3. Walt's Walk-in Freezer and Crypt
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2. Turn the Hose on Lady and the Tramp
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1. Peter Pan's All-Male Cinema
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Top Ten Papers Written by Brooke Shields at Princeton
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--------------------------------------------------------------------
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10. William Shakespeare: His Poetry Rates A Ten
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9. A Chemical Process In Three Stages: Lather, Rinse, Repeat
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8. Girls With Thin Eyebrows: Hideous Freaks Of Nature
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7. Cliff Notes Versus Monarch Notes: Two Views Of Hamlet
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6. Circles, Flowers, A Smiling Guy: So Many Ways To Dot The "I"
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5. The Pushy Overbearing Mother Figure In Literature
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4. Pretty Leaves I Found Outside Somewhere
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3. Black Americans: What I Hope To Say When I Meet One
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2. Philosophy: Why Don't They Spell It With An "F"?
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1. The Male Organ: What It Might Look Li
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Top Ten Slogans for Cher's New Perfume
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==================================================================
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10. I Smell You, Babe
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9. It's Like Having a Tatoo in a Bottle
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8. I'm Not Gonna Pay a Lot for This Perfume!
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7. It's Cher-riffic!
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6. The Crowning Touch to Excessive Plastic Surgery
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5. It's Easier than Bathing
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4. I get 12 Cents for Every Bottle Sold
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3. Now Any Middle-aged Woman Can Marry a Teenager
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2. Easy-Pour Splatter-Proof Bottle
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1. Bring Out the Bono in Your Man!
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Top Ten Least Popular Pepperidge Farm Cookies
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===============================================================
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10. Asbestos Snaps
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9. Broccoloons
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8. Tainted Oyster Dainties
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7. Gravel Sandys
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6. Cinnamon Sharptons
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5. Cholersterol Chubbies
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4. Spackle Swirlies
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3. Mallomar Khaddafys
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2. Monkey Clumps
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1. Johnny Bench's Nut Cups
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Top Ten Unsafe Toys
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--------------------------------------------------------------------
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10. Junior Electrician Outlet Patrol
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9. Hasbro's Slippery Steps
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8. Black & Decker's
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7. Roof Ranger Paratrooper Outfit
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6. Ramco's Pocket Hive
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5. Traffic Tag
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4. Will it Burn? from Parker Brothers
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3. Chimney Explorer
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2. My First Ferret Farm
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1. The Hold Your Breath Game by Milton Bradley
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Top Ten Things Overheard At New York City Pay Phones
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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10. "Nine-One-One? Sure, I'll Hold."
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9. "Ooh. What's this goo on the earpiece?"
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8. "Mr. Gotti, that 'leaky pipe' won't be bothering you anymore."
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7. "It's a pushbutton phone, but I didn't use my fingers."
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6. "This is Elvis. Any messages for me?"
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5. "You don't know me, but your number spells out O-BITE-ME."
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4. "This is Frank Stallone. I'm calling from my - uh - car phone."
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3. "Gotta run - Don't want to miss a single minute of the Summer Olympic
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coverage broadcast September fifteenth to October fourth - only on NBC!"
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2. "Is that a thumb in the coin return?"
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1. "Hello. Al Sharpton's office."
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Top Ten Facts about the giant 100-ton fungus found in Michigan....
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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10. Came out of hiding to testify as witness in Gotti trial.
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9. Bill Clinton once tried to smoke some of it.
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8. Has vanity plate: "FUNGUS-1"
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7. Some polls show it running neck-and-neck wtih Jerry Brown.
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6. Elvis once had staff try to buldoze it into a 40-acre pizza.
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5. Section of it used to make William Shatner's hairpiece.
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4. Might be an old Y-M-C-A they forgot to disinfect.
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3. Beleived to be smarter than Quayle.
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2. Nicknamed "Debbie".
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1. Tastes like chicken.
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Top 10 Things Peter Arnett Does for Fun - February 5, 1991
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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10. Celebrity judge on Iraqi Dance Fever.
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9. Each day tries a new falafel place for lunch.
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8. Two words: veil chasing.
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7. Daily letters to Jodie Foster.
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6. Drives them nuts in Hussein's bunker by repeatedly phoning and asking if
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"Shlomo" is there.
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5. Swaps Quayle jokes with Iraqi censors.
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4. Dreams about free trip he will take after he cashes in his frequent-flyer
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miles from Eastern Airlines.
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3. Nude volleyball with Republican Guards.
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2. Put speakers out hotel windows and blasts "Born in the U.S.A."
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1. Dresses up like Diane Sawyer.
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Top 10 Signs the Iraqi Military Is Cracking - February 6, 1991
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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10. When allied bomb misses them, they no longer do "the wave."
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9. Patriotic messages on Baghdad radio replaced with 12-in-a-row from Motley
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Crue.
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8. Everyone in Republican Guard now going by name "Dorothy."
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7. Dan Quayle's father getting thousands of pleading phonecalls from Iraqi
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troops.
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6. Iraqi officers suddenly complaining that their bunkers smell like corn
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chips.
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5. Deserters describe widespread fear that U.S. is bringing in Chuck Norris.
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4. Iraqi government offering a $100 reward to any Israeli who returns an
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unexploded Scud in good condition.
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3. French ambassador seen coaching Baghdad officials on how to snivel and give
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up.
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2. Thousands of applications from Iraq flooding New York City Taxi Commission.
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1. American soldiers' cries of "Tastes great!" no longer trigger Iraqi
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response of "Less filling!"
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Top 10 Dog Excuses for Losing the Dog Show - February 15, 1991
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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10. Mistaken in assumption there would be a chance to show off talent for
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drinking from toilet.
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9. Thought I saw that little chuckwagon.
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8. Bad idea going to Don King's barber.
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7. Caught in a lie claiming to be Cycle Two dog when I'm really Cycle Three.
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6. Shouldn't have picked Quayle as running mate.
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5. My life-long losing battle with problem drool.
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4. Spelled "ubiquitous" with two B's.
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3. Didn't know that was the judge's leg.
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2. Money goes to trainer anyway. So let him stand naked in Madison Square
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Garden and get touched by a stranger in a bad suit.
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1. Like me, the whole thing was fixed.
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Top 10 Ways Bush Could Blow It in '92 - March 1, 1991
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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10. Unloads Barbara for a 19-year-old male prostitute.
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9. Gets sick during White House ceremony; throws up on Super Bowl winners.
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8. Lets Hussein stay in Lincoln bedroom for 6 months while he "gets his head
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together."
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7. Guest stars on "Matlock"; shoots Andy Griffith in the face.
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6. It is revealed that he bet against the U.S. in the Gulf war.
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5. Decides to grow stylish Hitler moustache.
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4. Has Marlin Fitzwater hold press conferences shirtless.
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3. Chooses Quayle as his running mate.
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2. Gets careless about secret family in West Virginia.
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1. Appears on Donahue as "Debi Bush."
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Top 10 Ways To Tell You're Possessed - April 5, 1991
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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10. You feel stuffed, even after a light dinner.
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9. Your voice sounds more and more like Bea Arthur.
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8. You run around your Palm Beach house wearing nothing but a T-shirt.
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7. You ask barber to cut hair a little more like Hitler's.
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6. You find yourself wondering what sex with Cher would be like.
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5. You don't have to use rearview mirror to look at the cars behind you.
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4. You're a former cast member of "Diff'rent Strokes."
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3. You're convinced you can make decorations out of orange peels.
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2. You become Vice President of the United States even though you are a total
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boob.
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1. When "Father Dowling" comes on your eyes start to sting.
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Top 10 New York City Tourist Attractions - August 11, 1989 [This was
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another visual one]
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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10. The Sewer Rat Petting Zoo
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9. The Health Inspector Evasion Drill
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8. Leona Helmsley's Closet: A Look into the Future
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7. Bailout! The Savings and Loan Musical
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6. Sidewalk Siskel
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5. The Hollywood Squares Minimum Security Prison
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4. The King
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3. The Desperately Lonely Man's Escort Service
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2. The Ayatollah's U.S. Tour '89
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1. Mike Tyson's Spit-Bucket Wishing Well
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Top 10 Lessons from Woodstock - August 15, 1989
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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10. Not everyone looks good naked.
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9. Joe Garagiola was a hell of an emcee.
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8. Joe Cocker really should stick with decaffeinated coffee.
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7. Fringe! Fringe! Fringe!
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6. If you've got 72 hours to kill, you can probably find room for Sha Na
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Na.
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5. Never attend an event with a 50,000-to-1 person to Port-a-San ratio.
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4. Bellbottoms will never go out of style.
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3. A drum solo cannot be too long.
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2. I, Dave Letterman, will never rent out my farm again.
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1. We are stardust. We are golden. We are going to look really stupid
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to future generations.
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Top 10 Pet Peeves of the Ghost of Elvis - August 18, 1989
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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10. Never got a chance to try them Dove Bars.
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9. Ghost of Leonardo Da Vinci never really thanked me for the Cadillac I
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gave him.
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8. When people you never heard of claim you live in their toaster.
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7. 7-Elevens in Netherworld don't carry Ring-Dings.
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6. That pansy Casper.
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5. Being a bodiless vaporous spirit makes it hard to hold a chili dog.
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4. All those strangers walking through my house.
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3. A couple of movies and every nut with a vacuum cleaner thinks he's a
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"ghostbuster."
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2. I wore capes before Batman made it hip.
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1. Trying to get ouija board to spell out "double order of ribs to go."
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Top 10 Mr. Wizard Experiments - October 3, 1989
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------------------------------------------------------------------------
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10. Let's flush a canned ham down the toilet.
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|
9. Will your head fit here?
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8. Taking a core sample of Tammy Faye Bakker's mascara.
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7. Getting free HBO.
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|
6. How many beers before you make a pass at Bea Arthur?
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|
5. How much Crisco can you eat?
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4. Substitution of Folgers Crystals for freshly brewed coffee.
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|
3. Dressing like Mrs. Wizard.
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|
2. A potato in your pocket: the moist, dark world of growth.
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|
1. Those two flight attendants in Dallas.
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|
|
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|
Top 10 Recent News Stories from TASS - October 10, 1989
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|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
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10. Spot on Gorby's head looks like Elvis.
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|
9. Yogurt-eating grandpa is sex king of the Balkans.
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|
8. New secret weapon installed inside Bush's middle finger.
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|
7. Way you cook your cabbage reveals your personality.
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|
6. Khrushchev alive and well and doing the weather on NBC's "Today Show."
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|
5. TV's Roseanne: American lady in a Soviet body.
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|
4. 90-foot zucchini wins blue ribbon at Chernobyl Fair.
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|
3. Jackie Mason out of Yeltsin campaign.
|
|
2. Voice from Lenin's tomb says, "I had Cher!"
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|
1. Vodka sales triple; so do UFO sightings.
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|
|
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Top 10 Things that Will Get You Kicked Out of Disney World - October 11,
|
|
1989
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|
------------------------------------------------------------------------
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10. Driving down Main Street USA with Bambi's mother strapped to your
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fender.
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9. Dumping medical waste into Sleeping Beauty's moat.
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|
8. Boarding the monorail and announcing you're Bernie Goetz.
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|
7. Taunting guy in Pluto costume for not being able to get better job.
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|
6. Declaring loudly, "I do believe in Tinkerbell!" in mens room.
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|
5. Going after Chip and Dale with a weed-wacker.
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|
4. After biting into snack bar sandwich saying, "I taste mouse."
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|
3. Taking a leak in the Enchanted Forest.
|
|
2. Parading around in "Home of the Matterhorn" underwear.
|
|
1. Bringing your own mouse suit.
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-/Vuarnet International/-
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617/527.oo91
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24oo-16.8k HST/V32bis
|