105 lines
5.2 KiB
Plaintext
105 lines
5.2 KiB
Plaintext
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I found the following report, from a ship's master, printed in the August
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1987 edition of 'The Log' journal - it's exact history is unclear but I
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think you might find it amusing.
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Reproduced with permission.
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It is with regret and haste that I write this letter to you, regret that
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such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances,
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and haste in order that you will get this report before you form your own
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pre-conceived opinions from reports in the world press, for I am sure that
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they will tend to overdramatise the affair.
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We had just picked up the pilot and the apprentice had returned from
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changing the 'G' flag for the 'H' and, it being his first trip, was having
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difficulty rolling the 'G' flag up, I therefore proceeded to show him how.
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Coming to the last part, I told him to 'let go', the lad although willing is
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not too bright, necessitating my having to repeat the order in a sharper
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tone.
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At this moment the chief officer appeared from the chart room, having been
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plotting the vessel's progress and, thinking that it was the anchors that
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were being referred to, repeated the 'let go' to the third officer on the
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fo'cstle. The port anchor having been cleared away but not walked out, was
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promptly let go. The effect of letting the anchor drop from the 'pipe'
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while the vessel was proceeding at full harbour speed proved too much for
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the windlass brake, and the entire length of the port cable was pulled out
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'by the roots'. I fear that the damage to the chain locker may be
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extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the
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vessel to sheer in that direction, right towards the swing bridge that
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spans the tributary to the river up which we were proceeding.
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The swing bridge operator showed great presence of mind by opening the
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bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately, he did not think to stop vehicular
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traffic, the result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a
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volkswagen, two cyclists, and a cattle truck on the foredeck. My ship's
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company are at present rounding up the contents of the latter, which from
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the noise I would say were pigs. In his efforts to stop the progress of
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the vessel, the third officer dropped the starboard anchor, too late to be
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of prcatical use, for it fell on the swing bridge operator's control cabin.
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After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer, I gave a
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double ring full astern on the engine room telegraph and personally rang
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the engine room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that
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the sea temperature was 53 degs and asked if there was a film tonight. My
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reply would not add constructively to this report.
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Up to now I have confined my report to the activities at the forward end of
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the vessel. Down aft they were having their own problems.
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At the moment the port anchor was let go, the second officer was
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supervising the making fast of the after tug and was lowering the ship's
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towing spring down onto the tug.
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The sudden braking effect on the port anchor caused the tug to run in under
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the stern of my vessel just at the moment when the propellers was answering my
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double ring full astern. The prompt action of the second officer in securing
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the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some
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minutes, and thereby the safe abandoning of that vessel.
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It is strange but at the very same moment of letting go the port anchor
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there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were passing over a cable
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area at that time might suggest we may have touched something on the river
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bed. It is perhaps lucky that the high tension cables brought down be the
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foremast were not live, possibly being replaced by the underwater cable, but
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owing to the shore blackout, it is impossible to say where the pylon fell.
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It never fails to amaze me the actions and behaviour of foreigners during
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moments of minor crisis. The pilot for instance is at this moment huddled
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in the corner of my day cabin alternately crooning to himself and crying
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after having consumed a bottle of gin in a time that is worthy of inclusion
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in the Guinness Book of Records.
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The tug captain on the other hand reacted violently and had to be
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forcibly restrained by the steward, who has him handcuffed in the ship's
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hospital, where he is telling me to do impossible things with my ship and
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my crew.
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I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and insurance companies of
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the vehicles on my foredeck, which the third officer collected after his
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somewhat hurried evacuation of the fo'cstle. These particulars will enable
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us to claim for the damage that they did to the railing of the no. one
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hold.
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I am enclosing this preliminary report for I am finding it difficult to
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concentrate with the sound of police sirens and their flashing lights.
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It is sad to think that had the apprentice realised that there is no need
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to fly pilot flags after dark, none of this would have happened.
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For weekly accountability report I will assign the following casualty
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numbers T/750101 to T750119 inclusive.
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Yours truly
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Master
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--
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Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
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Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
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Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.
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