537 lines
26 KiB
Plaintext
537 lines
26 KiB
Plaintext
From scw@ollie.SEAS.UCLA.EDU Wed Oct 4 13:59:50 1989
|
||
From: scw@ollie.SEAS.UCLA.EDU
|
||
Subject: Cannonical list of Lawyer jokes
|
||
|
||
Save to a file and print, NOT paged for reading, no page is more than
|
||
66 lines long.
|
||
--------- cut here ---------------
|
||
|
||
Q & A form jokes
|
||
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
|
||
A: A good start!
|
||
|
||
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
|
||
A: His lips are moving.
|
||
|
||
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer
|
||
in the road?
|
||
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
|
||
|
||
Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
|
||
A: Professional courtesy.
|
||
|
||
Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
|
||
A: Not enough sand.
|
||
|
||
Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
|
||
A: Cut the rope.
|
||
|
||
Q: Do you know how to save a drowning laywer?
|
||
A1: Take your foot off his head.
|
||
A2: No.
|
||
Good!
|
||
|
||
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
|
||
A: The bucket.
|
||
|
||
Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
|
||
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
|
||
|
||
Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
|
||
A: There was an empty seat.
|
||
|
||
Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
|
||
A: Stick his bill up his ass.
|
||
|
||
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
|
||
A: An offer you can't understand
|
||
|
||
Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
|
||
A. From chasing parked ambulances.
|
||
|
||
Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
|
||
A. In the cemetary
|
||
|
||
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
|
||
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.
|
||
|
||
Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
|
||
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.
|
||
|
||
Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
|
||
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.
|
||
|
||
Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
|
||
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.
|
||
|
||
Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
|
||
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
|
||
|
||
Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
|
||
A: It might be your bicycle.
|
||
|
||
----
|
||
Longer jokes.
|
||
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
|
||
The housewife replies: "Four!".
|
||
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run
|
||
those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
|
||
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed
|
||
voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
|
||
-----
|
||
A man went to a brain store to get some brain for dinner.
|
||
He sees a sign remarking on the quality of proffesional brain
|
||
offerred at this particular brain store. So he asks the butcher:
|
||
"How much for Engineer brain?"
|
||
"3 dollars an ounce."
|
||
"How much for <other generic proffesion> brain?"
|
||
"4 dollars an ounce."
|
||
"How much for lawyer brain?"
|
||
"100 dollars an ounce."
|
||
"Why is lawyer brain so much more?"
|
||
"Do you know how many lawyers you need to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
|
||
-----
|
||
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a
|
||
living. "Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
|
||
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
|
||
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
|
||
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
|
||
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
|
||
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
|
||
whorehouse."
|
||
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
|
||
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father
|
||
answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
|
||
an explanation.
|
||
Billy's father said, "I'm actually an attorney. How can I explain a
|
||
thing like that to a seven-year-old?"
|
||
-----
|
||
A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were
|
||
thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise,
|
||
St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where
|
||
the laywer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assis-
|
||
tants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the
|
||
line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't
|
||
mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?"
|
||
|
||
St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed
|
||
your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"
|
||
----
|
||
A Dublin lawyer died in poverty and many barristers of the city sub-
|
||
scribed to a fund for his funeral. The Lord Chief Justice of Orbury
|
||
was asked to donate a shilling. "Only a shilling?" said the Justice,
|
||
"Only a shilling to bury an attorney? Here's a guinea; go and bury 20
|
||
more of them."
|
||
-----
|
||
A lawyer and a physician had a dispute over precedence. They referred
|
||
it to Diogenes, who gave it in favor of the lawyer as follows: "Let the
|
||
thief go first, and the executioner follow."
|
||
-----
|
||
"How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he
|
||
had solved her legal troubles.
|
||
"My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented
|
||
money there has been only one answer to that question."
|
||
Longer jokes (cont.)
|
||
The Pope and a lawyer find themselves together before the Pearly Gates.
|
||
After a small quantum of time which was spent discussing their respective
|
||
professions, ol' St. Peter shows up to usher them to their new Heavenly
|
||
station. After passing out wings, harps, halos and such, St. Pete decides
|
||
to show them to their new lodgings. Only a brief flight from the welcome,
|
||
Pete brings them down on the front lawn (cloud-encrusted, natch) of a
|
||
huge palatial estate with all sorts of lavish trappings. This, Pete
|
||
announces, is where the lawyer will be spending eternity, (at least until
|
||
the end of time..) "Hot Dang", the Pope says to His-self, "If he's getting
|
||
a place like this, I can hardly wait to see my digs!". They take flight
|
||
once again, and as Pete leads on, the landscape below begins to appear
|
||
more and more mundane until they finally land on a street lined with
|
||
Brownstone houses. Pete indicates the third walkup on the left as the
|
||
Popes new domicile and turns to leave, wishing the pontiff his best.
|
||
The Pope, in a mild state of astonishment, cries out "Hey Pete! What's the
|
||
deal here? You put that lawyer-feller in a beautiful estate home and I,
|
||
spiritual leader of terra-firma, end up with this dive?"
|
||
|
||
Pete looks at the pontiff amusedly and replys: "Look here old fellow,
|
||
this street is practically encrusted with spiritual leaders from many
|
||
times and religions. We're putting you here with them so you guys can
|
||
get your dogma together. That other guy gets an estate, because
|
||
he's the first (non-)damned lawyer to make it up here!!"
|
||
-----
|
||
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long
|
||
trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back
|
||
to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
|
||
"Your honor," he said, "I wanna get out a warrent for that
|
||
dirty lawyer of mine."
|
||
"Why ?" asked the judge. "He won your aquittal. What do you
|
||
want to have him arrested for ?"
|
||
"Well, your honor," replied Carlson, "I didn't have the money to pay
|
||
his fee, so he went and took the car I stole."
|
||
-----
|
||
"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man
|
||
of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.
|
||
"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.
|
||
-----
|
||
A judge in a semi-small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the
|
||
defendent, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the
|
||
influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 4 p.m. and getting a
|
||
jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the
|
||
hall looking to impanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a
|
||
dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury.
|
||
|
||
The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed
|
||
the judge back to the courtroom. The trial was over in about 10
|
||
minutes and it was very clear that the defendent was guilty. The jury
|
||
went into the jury-room, the judge started getting ready to go home,
|
||
and everyone waited.
|
||
|
||
After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and
|
||
sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the
|
||
verdict. When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they
|
||
got a verdict yet?"
|
||
|
||
The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still
|
||
doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"
|
||
------
|
||
Diogenes went to look for an honest lawyer. "How's it going?",
|
||
someone asked. "Not too bad", said Diogenes. "I still have my lantern."
|
||
Longer jokes (cont.)
|
||
A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's
|
||
grandmother. On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the
|
||
little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same
|
||
grave?"
|
||
|
||
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
|
||
|
||
"The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"
|
||
-----
|
||
The defendent who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at
|
||
least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
|
||
----
|
||
These two guys, George and Harry, set out in a Hot Air balloon to
|
||
cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says
|
||
"Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are".
|
||
Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon
|
||
descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't
|
||
tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry
|
||
yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?". And
|
||
the man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet
|
||
up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must
|
||
be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says
|
||
"Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally
|
||
useless".
|
||
|
||
That's the end of the Joke, but for you people who are still
|
||
worried about George and Harry: They end up in the drink,
|
||
and make the front page of the New York Times: "Balloonists
|
||
Soaked by Lawyer".
|
||
----
|
||
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
|
||
vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed
|
||
an affair with the innkeeper's daughter. Looking forward to an
|
||
exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn,
|
||
then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
|
||
|
||
"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
|
||
he cried. "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
|
||
and the baby would have my name!"
|
||
|
||
"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition, we
|
||
sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better
|
||
to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
|
||
-----
|
||
God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences
|
||
once and for all.
|
||
|
||
When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think
|
||
you're going to find a lawyer?"
|
||
-----
|
||
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are
|
||
walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a
|
||
hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the
|
||
other three are mythological creatures.
|
||
Longer jokes (cont.)
|
||
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had
|
||
made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he
|
||
would like on it.
|
||
|
||
"Here lies an honest man and a lawyer," responded the lawyer.
|
||
|
||
"Sorry, but I can't do that," replied the stonecutter. "In this
|
||
state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave.
|
||
However, I could put ``here lies an honest lawyer''."
|
||
|
||
"But that won't let people know who it is" protested the lawyer.
|
||
"Certainly will," retorted the stonecutter. "people will read it
|
||
and exclaim, "That's Strange!"
|
||
-----
|
||
The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were
|
||
going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally,
|
||
the American Bar Association was outraged, and filed suit, but the NIH
|
||
presented some very good reasons for the switch.
|
||
|
||
1) The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This
|
||
emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted.
|
||
No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
|
||
2) Lawyers breed faster.
|
||
3) Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't
|
||
jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
|
||
4) There are some things even a rat won't do.
|
||
However, sometimes it very hard to exterpolate our test results
|
||
to human beings.
|
||
----
|
||
A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to
|
||
which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer
|
||
would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to
|
||
spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods
|
||
section of Maine.
|
||
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with
|
||
him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.
|
||
Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in
|
||
the great outdoors.
|
||
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to
|
||
pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry
|
||
patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along
|
||
came two huge Bears - a male and a female.
|
||
Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His
|
||
friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and
|
||
swallowed him whole.
|
||
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and
|
||
got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed
|
||
back to the berry patch with the lawyer.
|
||
Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
|
||
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of
|
||
lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his
|
||
friend.
|
||
The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun,
|
||
took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE.
|
||
"Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
|
||
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you
|
||
that the Czech was in the Male?"
|
||
Longer jokes (cont.)
|
||
It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the
|
||
emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green
|
||
came over to see him.
|
||
"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in
|
||
court when you accused me of malpractice."
|
||
"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could
|
||
it be?"
|
||
"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."
|
||
"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't
|
||
know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"
|
||
"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."
|
||
"What are you talking about?"
|
||
"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew
|
||
everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."
|
||
"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."
|
||
"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns
|
||
out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"
|
||
"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."
|
||
"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial? Lawyer
|
||
Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?' Dr.
|
||
Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it
|
||
when I see it.' Dobbins: 'It never occured to you my client could have an
|
||
Excedrin headache?'
|
||
Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'
|
||
Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "
|
||
"Why are you reading that to me?"
|
||
"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making
|
||
a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping ..."
|
||
"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."
|
||
"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken
|
||
sailor. I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."
|
||
"Then get me another doctor."
|
||
"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that
|
||
after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office.
|
||
This is the only place that I can practice."
|
||
"If you give me something to releive the pain I will personally
|
||
appeal your case to a higher court."
|
||
"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for
|
||
a kidney stone."
|
||
"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by
|
||
looking at him."
|
||
"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when
|
||
you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize
|
||
into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher
|
||
of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going
|
||
to be in a lot of pain.' "
|
||
"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my
|
||
ounce of Demerol?"
|
||
"I better check you out first."
|
||
"Don't check me out, just give the dope."
|
||
"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had
|
||
examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't
|
||
do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"
|
||
"What for?"
|
||
"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued
|
||
and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."
|
||
"I'm not going to sue you."
|
||
"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ
|
||
after you pass the kidney stone?"
|
||
Longer jokes (cont.)
|
||
A Russian, a Cuban, an American and a Lawyer are in a train.
|
||
|
||
The Russian takes a bootle of the Best Vodka out of his pack; pours some into a
|
||
glass, drinks it, and says: "In USSR, we have the best vodka of the world,
|
||
nowhere in the world you can find Vodka as good as the one we produce in
|
||
Ukrainia. And we have so much of it, that we can just throw it away..."
|
||
Saying that, he open the window and throw the rest of the bottle thru it. All
|
||
the others are quite impressed.
|
||
|
||
The Cuban takes a pack of Havanas, takes one of them, lights it and begins to
|
||
smoke it saying: "In Cuba, we have the best cigars of the world: Havanas,
|
||
nowhere in the world there is so many and so good cigare and we have so much
|
||
of them, that we can just throw them away...". Saying that, he throws the pack
|
||
of havanas thru the window. One more time, everybody is quite impressed.
|
||
|
||
At this time, the American just stands up, opens the window, and throws the
|
||
Lawyer through it...
|
||
|
||
----
|
||
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for a butcher shop
|
||
and steals a roast. Butcher goes to lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog
|
||
running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to
|
||
demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" The lawyer answers,
|
||
"Absolutely."
|
||
|
||
"Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was loose and stole a roast from me today."
|
||
|
||
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50 [attorneys
|
||
don't carry cash -- it's too plebeian -- and the butcher hadn't brought the
|
||
shop's credit card imprinter to the lawyer's office].
|
||
|
||
Several periods of time later -- it could be the next day but that would be
|
||
unrealistic -- the butcher opens the mail and finds an envelope from the
|
||
lawyer: $20 due for a consultation.
|
||
----
|
||
A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the
|
||
country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and
|
||
came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer
|
||
explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to
|
||
sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed.
|
||
|
||
The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two
|
||
have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a
|
||
knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming "I can't
|
||
sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion
|
||
to sleep in the same room with a pig!"
|
||
|
||
The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no
|
||
religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later,
|
||
the Hindu burst through the bedrrom door sayint "There's a COW
|
||
in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against
|
||
my religion!"
|
||
|
||
The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn,
|
||
as he had no problem sleeping with animals.
|
||
|
||
In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the
|
||
cow entered...
|
||
Longer jokes (cont.)
|
||
|
||
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
|
||
A0: Three; one to do it and two to sue him for malpractice.
|
||
A1: It only takes one lawyer to change your light bulb to his light
|
||
bulb.
|
||
A2: You won't find a lawyer who can change a light bulb. Now, if you're
|
||
looking for a lawyer to screw a light bulb...
|
||
A3: Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the
|
||
party of the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith
|
||
agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (Light Bulb) shall
|
||
be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform
|
||
previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise
|
||
illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door, through the
|
||
entryway, terminating at an area just inside the primary living area,
|
||
demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at
|
||
the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not required by
|
||
the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
|
||
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited
|
||
to, the following steps:
|
||
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation
|
||
at his option, by means of a chair, stepstool, ladder or any other means of
|
||
elevation, grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the
|
||
party of the second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction,this
|
||
point being non-negotiable.
|
||
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
|
||
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the party
|
||
of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party of
|
||
the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state,
|
||
local and federal statutes.
|
||
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first
|
||
part (Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of
|
||
the fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a
|
||
manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of
|
||
this self-same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur
|
||
in a clockwise direction, this point also being non-negotiable.
|
||
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the
|
||
party of the first part (Lawyer), by any or all persons authorized by him, the
|
||
objective being to produce the most possible revenue for the party of the
|
||
fifth part, also known as "Partnership."
|
||
---
|
||
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could
|
||
only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
|
||
---
|
||
BTW, 4 out of 5 doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted
|
||
island with no lawyers, they wouldn't need ANY aspirin.
|
||
WASHINGTON STATE ATTORNEY SEASON AND BAG LIMITS
|
||
**********************************************************************
|
||
|
||
1300.01 GENERAL
|
||
|
||
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may
|
||
harvest attorneys.
|
||
|
||
2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The
|
||
use of currency as bait is prohibited.
|
||
|
||
3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If
|
||
accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to
|
||
nearest car wash.
|
||
|
||
4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow
|
||
machine, helicopter, or aircraft.
|
||
|
||
5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free
|
||
Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
|
||
|
||
6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW
|
||
dealerships.
|
||
|
||
7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills,
|
||
prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys.
|
||
|
||
8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of
|
||
courtrooms, law libraries, whorehouses, health spas, gay bars,
|
||
ambulances, or hospitals.
|
||
|
||
9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a
|
||
felony to hunt, trap, or possess it.
|
||
|
||
10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department
|
||
inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin.
|
||
|
||
11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a
|
||
reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident
|
||
victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting
|
||
attorneys.
|
||
|
||
BAG LIMITS
|
||
|
||
1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2
|
||
2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 1
|
||
3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 4
|
||
4. Small-breasted Ball Buster (Female only) 3
|
||
5. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2
|
||
6. Honest Attorney EXTINCT
|
||
7. Cut-throat 2
|
||
8. Back-stabbing Whiner 2
|
||
9. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2
|
||
10. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 BOUNTY
|
||
11. Hairy-assed Civil Libertarian 7
|
||
|
||
Look, I'm tired of typing. Go buy the book: Larry Wilde, _The Ultimate
|
||
Lawyers Joke Book_. Bantam books. $2.95 (Canada $3.95).
|
||
|
||
-----
|
||
Stephen C. Woods; UCLA SEASNET; 2567 BH;LA CA 90024; (213)-825-8614
|
||
UUCP: ...!{ibmsupt,hao!cepu}!ollie}!scw ARPA:scw@{Ollie.,}SEAS.UCLA.EDU
|
||
|
||
|