238 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
238 lines
11 KiB
Plaintext
Newsgroups: alt.folklore.college
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From: betel@camelot.bradley.edu (Robert Crawford)
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Subject: The Kloo Gnomes
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Message-ID: <betel.728428720@camelot>
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Sender: news@bradley.bradley.edu
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Organization: Bradley University
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Date: 30 Jan 93 21:18:40 GMT
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Lines: 229
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This is something that has been spreading around Bradley
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University for the last year or so. This is the chief explanation, but
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the basic idea is that Kloo Gnomes bring people the clues they need to
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get through life. People who are apparently clue-less have "killed
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their Kloo Gnomes." (The one documented example involves someone who
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dropped a brick on a squirrel when they were a kid. They thought it
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was a rat.)
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The Not-So-Sacred Book of Kloos
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Dedication
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This is dedicated to all the world's Kloo Gnomes,
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"The Kloo Gnomes Giveth, and
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The Kloo Gnomes Taketh Away."
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Forward
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I first saw my Kloo Gnome one night while I was in
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High School. I was calmly driving along after a date, when I
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heard a voice from the seat next to me. It definitely wasn't
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the radio, since I had Pink Floyd's Momentary Lapse of Reason
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in the player, and it was in the middle of an instrumental.
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The voice said something that truly surprised me:
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"Uh, do ya think ya could slow down a little?"
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This was surprising because I had been with my friend
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Mark when he took that very same curve at 80 in his Daytona.
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"Yeah, well, that was a Daytona. This is a Subaru.
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Your gonna kill us both."
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Apparently the voice was telepathic. I chanced a look
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over into the passenger seat, and saw him. He was a little
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guy, standing about 8 inches tall, wearing a ridiculous purple
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hat with a golden 'K' emblazoned upon it. Besides that
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ridiculous hat, his clothes were relatively normal -- jeans
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and a sweatshirt.
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"Who and what in the hell are you?" I asked, showing
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my typical level of tact.
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"Oh, shit," he responded, "you got me. OK, OK, I'm
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your Kloo Gnome."
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"Clue gnome?"
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"No, _KLOO_ Gnome, with a K and a capital G."
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"KGlue gnome?"
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"Buddy, your using your clues up fast. That's K-L-O-O
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G-N-O-M-E."
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"And what the fuck is a Kloo Gnome?"
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"Yah finally got it! I told the Director you weren't
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that dense!"
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"Thanks, I think."
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"Well, anyway, Kloo Gnomes are responsible for handing
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out clues."
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"Kloos?"
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"Clues."
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"Ah, OK."
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"Anyway, could ya slow down a little and let me out?
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That's all I'm required to tell you, so I'm free to go now."
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"Required to tell me?"
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"Well, when ya catch a leprechaun, its gotta tell you
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where its gold is, right?"
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"If you say so."
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"Well, all Kloo Gnomes gotta do is tell you what a
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Kloo Gnome is. It is, after all, the Ultimate Clue. Now will
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ya slow down, please?"
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"I'm only doing eighty."
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"Yeah, well, my squirrel can't just _start_ out at
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eighty, ya know."
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"No, I didn't. Squirrel?"
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"He's in the back seat. Don't worry, he's house
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trained."
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"Ok..."
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"Good, you're below sixty now. Goodbye!"
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With that he disappeared, and I could have sworn I saw
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a little figure riding a squirrel flash in my headlights for a
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split second.
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Needless to say, after that I calmly drove home. I was
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determined to find out more about Kloo Gnomes.
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Since then I have managed to catch my Kloo Gnome in
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the act four times. Each time I have been able to entice more
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information out of him. I have even been able to see some of
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the Sacred Books of Kloos, the history texts of the Kloo
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Gnomes. This, along with the information of others that have
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been Klooed in, has gone into the production of this text, The
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Not-So-Sacred Book of Kloos.
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Kloo Gnomes
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Origin
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Early in human history we were, to put it mildly,
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clueless. A primitive woman brought a burning branch back to
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the campsight to provide warmth and light. One of the tribes
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men pissed on it, to put it out. A primitive woman shaved her
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legs with her husbands spear, resulting in his spear being too
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dull to bring down the next weeks meals. It was a sorry state
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of affairs.
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Whatever force put humanity on this planet (the Sacred
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Books of Kloo neglect to mention the nature of this force)
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decided Something Had to Be Done. And so it/he/she brought
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forth the Kloo Gnomes.
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In these days Kloo Gnomes were everywhere, busily
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spreading clues to humanity. They tried to concentrate certain
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clues no certain areas, but mistakes were made. For this
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reason nearly every culture on the planet developed the bow at
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the same time. Two culture were given the clues about
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pyramids. But the Kloo Gnomes got better at their trade.
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The very legends of the ancients speak of the Kloo
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Gnomes -- the SBOK mentions one called Prometheus, who gave
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fire to the wrong tribe, and was chained to a rock in the
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Sinai where hamsters nibbled at his penis for months on end.
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The legend was obviously altered for a more sensitive human
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audience.
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During this time the Kloo Gnomes developed into five
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distinct classes. The Grunt Kloo Gnomes were the field
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operatives, the guys in the field who delivered clues to
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humanity. There is one of them for every human being.
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The second class is the Bureaucrat, that group of Kloo
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Gnomes whose responsibility it is to decide who gets what clue
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when. It is remarkable to note that despite the Kloo Gnome's
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having developed bureauracracy, they still get things done.
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Third is the Researcher Kloo Gnome, the Gnomes that
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actually compile the clues. Theirs is the ultimate in pure
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research -- they have no idea who is going to get the clues
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they produce, and the products of their labor are meaningless
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to them.
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Fourth there is the Noble Kloo Gnomes. There are only
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a few dozen of these, for these are the rulers of the Kloo
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Gnome realm. One of them is King Kloo himself, the others
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include various princes and the heads of the Grunts,
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Bureaucrats, Researchers, and the Kavalry.
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The Kloo Kavalry is the military arm of the Kloo
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Gnomes. More about them later.
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Leprechauns
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Early in the days of the Kloo Gnomes, some of the
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Gnomes decided that they would rather keep the clues for
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themselves. This group, under the leadership of Kloo Gnome
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Khan, split and took off for parts unknown. Since the split,
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the Kloo Gnomes have treated them like lepers, and thus their
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name, Leper-Khans.
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The leprechauns (to use the English corruption of the
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Klooish) have tried ever since to intercept the Grunt Kloo
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Gnomes, to kill them and steal the clues being delivered to
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humanity. They have even degenerated so far as to begin eating
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Kloo Gnomes, a practice that started sometime after the Great
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Clover Famine.
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The Kloo Gnomes haven't let this go unanswered,
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however. The Kloo Kavalry was formed to protect Grunts as they
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go about their business, and has been responsible for all of
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the anti-leprechaun measures that have been developed.
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The first battlefield between the Gnomes and the
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leprechauns was Britain. It was there that the Kavalry
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discovered that leprechauns didn't have the sense to step over
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a closed circle. The Kavalry built stone circles to serve as
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sanctuaries for the Grunts, the most famous of which is
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Stonehenge. The paths worn by the Grunts running from circle
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to circle have gone down into legend as the ley lines.
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This battle raged on for centuries, and sadly the
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leprechauns began to win. They forced the Gnomes back into the
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sanctuary of the civilization that had most benefited from
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their activities, Imperial Rome.
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The Romans had somehow realized the power of circles
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for increasing the supply of clues. Every city the Romans
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built included a circular Coliseum, where unbeknownst to the
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Romans, the Kloo Gnomes could seek shelter from the leprechauns.
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However the leprechauns knew how the Roman
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constructions were saving the Kloo Gnomes. They were now in
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control of northern Europe, and set the Germanic tribes to
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marching south.
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We all know the result of this war. The Kloo Gnomes
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were stuck in Byzantium until the Moslem minarets began to
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appear, creating yet another sanctuary for the Kloo Gnomes.
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Squirrels
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Most Kloo Gnomes ride specially bred squirrels
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equipped with FTL drives. This allows them to deliver clues in
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a timely manner and has even allowed them to branch out to
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delivering clues to extra-terrestrials. The choice of
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squirrels is apparently a religious matter, and not all Grunts
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ride them. For example, the Mongolian Kloo Gnomes ride
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gerbils, the Western US Kloo Gnomes ride prairie dogs, and the
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Australian Kloo Gnomes had an aborted experiment with riding
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wallabies.
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Every member of the Kloo Kavalry rides a squirrel.
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These are special squirrels, brought up on campuses like
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Bradley's, and renowned for their ferocity and loyalty. In
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many ways they are the war-horses of the forest world.
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Leprechauns have never been seen riding animals, and
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in fact have their FTL systems rammed up their asses. Some of
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them, especially those born since WWII, have been seen
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hitching rides on vehicles, primarily Harley-Davidsons,
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Gremlins, Yugos, and Corvettes.
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Circles and Clovers
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As mentioned above, Kloo Gnomes find refuge in
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circles. Leprechauns do not know they can step over the
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circle, so end up running around and around it until they pass
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out from exhaustion.
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On the other hand, leprechauns are attracted to
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clovers, and the large number of clover-leaf interchanges that
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have sprouted across the U.S. has been linked to the poor
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state of education.
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The appearance of crop circles in Britain in the last
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few years marks the development of a new Kavalry tactic. They
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bait some leprechauns, and them take off in a run. The
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leprechauns get ingrossed in the chase, and don't realize when
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the Kavalry has closed the loop and formed a circle within the
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high plants. The chase goes on until the circle is fully
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formed, and then the Kavalry retreats to the center of the
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circle to rest. The leprechauns realize that not only are they
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kept from the Gnomes by a circle, but that they are also
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within a circle. Trapped, they run continuously until they
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pass out. Then the Kavalry rides out and finishes them off.
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Most of the time the simple circle isn't enough, and
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the Kavaly ends of forming complexes of circles with lines
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between them. One ambush was ruined by a group of college
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students who tried to form their own crop circle, to prove
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that they were hoaxes.
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--
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Drink Tree Frog Dark!
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Daffyd ap Madoc ap Caradoc ap Conan merch Llwellyn ap Clydno ap Kynon
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