85 lines
4.1 KiB
Plaintext
85 lines
4.1 KiB
Plaintext
NEW INFANTS MIRACLE DIET FOR OVERWEIGHT PEOPLE
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Flabby Americans are always on the look out for a new diet. The trouble
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with most diets is that you don't get enough to eat (the starvation diet) or
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you don't get enough variation (the liquid diet) or you go broke (the all-meat
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diet).
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Consequently, people tend to cheat on their diets, or quit after three days,
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or go right back to stuffing their faces after it is all over. Is there
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nothing you can do but give up and tell your friends that you've got a gland
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problem? Or is there a slim hope? Such is the Infants' Miracle Diet.
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Over the years, you may have noticed, as I have, that most two-year olds are
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trim. It came to me one day over a cup of black coffee and a carrot that
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perhaps their diet is the reason. After consultation with pediatricians,
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X-ray technicians and distraught mothers, I was able to formulate this new
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diet. It is inexpensive, offers great variety and sufficient quantity.
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Before embarking on the diet however, be sure to check with your doctor,
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otherwise you might have to see him afterward.
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FIRST DAY:
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Breakfast: One scrambled egg, one peice of toast with grape jelly. Eat two
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bites of egg, using your fingers; dump the rest on the floor. Take one bite
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of toast, then smear the jelly over your face and clothes. Lunch: Four crayons
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(any color), a handful of potato chips, and a glass of milk (three sips only,
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then spill the rest). Dinner: A dry stick, two pennies and a nickle, four sips
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of stale beer. Before Bedtime, toast a piece of bread and toss it on the
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kitchen floor.
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SECOND DAY:
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Breakfast: Pick up stale toast off kitchen floor and eat. Drink half
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bottle of vanilla extract or one vial of vegetable dye. Lunch: Half a tube of
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Pulsating Pink Lipstick, and a cigarette (to be eaten not smoked). Ice cube
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if desired. After lunch, lick an all day sucker until sticky, take it outside
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and drop it in the dirt. Retrieve it and continue slurping until it is clean
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again. Bring it inside and drop it on the rug. Dinner: A rock or and an
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uncooked bean, which should be thrust up your left nostril. Pour iced tea
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over mashed potatoes; eat with spoon.
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THIRD DAY:
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Breakfast: Two pancakes with plenty of syrup, eat with fingers, rub fingers
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in hair. Glass of milk, drink one-half, stuff pancakes in glass. After
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breakfast pick up sucker from rug, lick off fuzz and put on cushion of your
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best chair. Lunch: Three matches, peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Spit
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several bites onto the floor. Pour milk on table and slurp up. Dinner: dish
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of ice cream, handful of potato chips, some wine, coffee.
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LAST DAY:
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Breakfast: a quarter tube of toothpaste (any flavor), bit of soap, an olive,
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pour glass of milk over bowl of cornflakes, add 1/2 cup sugar. When cereal is
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soggy, drink milk and feed cereal to dog. Lunch: Eat crumbs off kitchen floor
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and dining room carpet, including bites of sandwich you spit out yesterday.
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One soft drink. Find sucker and finish eating it. Dinner: A glass of spaghetti
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and chocolate milk. Leave meatball on plate. Stick of mascara for dessert.
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Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
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