578 lines
20 KiB
Plaintext
578 lines
20 KiB
Plaintext
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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=-= Joke Blab from the Datanet. Edited By The Slipped Disk =-=
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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REMINDER:
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PUD= Playboys Unabashed Dictionary!
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So play with your pud!
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Our PUD defines midget circumcision as a tiny trim.
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Our PUD defines 'jockstrap' as a ball bearing device.
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Our PUD defines mons pubis as a box top.
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Limerick of the day:
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In a strip-poker parlor called Diantes,
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When a maiden had just lost her panties,
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She blushed, glanced around --
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and guess what she found?
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All the male players raising their antes!
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Our PUD defines sex change surgeon as a gender amender.
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Word has just reached us about the ultimeate in singles bars. It's a place
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where girls have to show their I.U.D.s to be admitted.
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Our PUD defines fellatio foreplay as a tast of things to come.
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our PUD defines pubic hair as nature's dental floss.
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Harlem HIgh cheer:
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BARBECUE, WATERMELLON, CADILLAC CAR
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WE'RE NOT IS DUMB IS YOU THINK WE IS.
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PLAY WITH YOUR PUD!!!!!!!!
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hahahahahahahahhahaa-- that was humor, right?
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Our PUD defines an avalanche as a mountain getting its rocks off.
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Our Pud defines "Masturbation" as sex with someone you love.
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Our Pud defines "whipped cream" as a guy jerking off on a helicopter.
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WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU FUCK A MIDGET? TWERPIES!
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WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU FUCK A BIRD? CHIRPIES!
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WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU FUCK ICE CREAM? SLIPPED DISK
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HOW DO YOU GET A KLEENEX TO DANCE?
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BLOW A LITTLE BOOGIE INTO IT.
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what the hell was that all about?
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Some idiot forgot that they moved the novel over.
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THAT WAS ABOUT THE JOKE BLAB!!!!!! IF YOU WANT THE NOVEL, GO TO THE NOVEL!
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HOW CAN YOU TELL IF A WOMEN IS WEARING PANTY HOSE?
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IF HER ANKLE SWELLS UP WHEN SHE FARTS.
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<<GIGGLE>>
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And then there was the Polish girl who ran in the house hollering, "Mom, Mom I
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got pregnant!" And her mother said, "Good God, child where was your head?" To
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which the young girl replied, under the steering wheel." (Hic.) Then when her
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father came home from work she said, "Daddy, I'm pregnant." And her father
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asked, "Are you sure it's yours?"
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There once was a lady named Alice
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Who used dynamite for a phallus
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They found her vagina
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In South Carolina
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And bits of her tits In Dallas
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There once was a man from Curass
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Who had balls that were made of glass
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When clanging together
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They made stormy weather
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And lightning shot out of his ass
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Or, as the two old maids said to the magician,
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"Cut out the hokus, and pokus!"
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Q: What's black foreplay?
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A: "Wake up, bitch!"
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Nymphonimical Alice,
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used a dynamite stick as a phallus,
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they found her vagina,
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in North Carolina,
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and her asshole in Buckingham Palace.
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Muha ha ha ha he <cough whew that is tiring!>
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Here is the best joke I've heard in a long while:
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------------------------------------------------
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n034 1025 11 Dec 84
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BC-CHEER
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(Newhouse 002)
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(Note to editors: Karen E. Henderson is a staff writer for the
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Cleveland Plain Dealer)
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By KAREN E. HENDERSON
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Newhouse News Service
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CLEVELAND - The strains of Mister Rogers' neighborly theme song no longer
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linger on the airwaves at the Perry nuclear power plant, but anonymous signs on
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plant bulletin boards assure workers that Rogers is not dead.
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He has only been fired.
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Promptly at 7:30 a.m. every day for three months, plant workers would hear
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Mister Rogers' reassuring voice crooning over the public address system:
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''It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. ... Won't you be my neighbor?''
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Last Wednesday, Mister Rogers sang for the last time at the Cleveland plant.
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Security guards, who had been trying to catch the culprit who had been playing
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the Rogers' tape, swooped down a flight of stairs and caught electrician Larry
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Nudelman in the act of trying to cheer people up.
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Officials of Cleveland Electric Illuminating Co. (CEI) weren't laughing.
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They were especially irked when Mister Rogers came on the air precisely at
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7:30 a.m. two weeks ago when CEI was running a mock disaster drill at the
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plant which was overseen by officials of the Nuclear Regulatory Commission and
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the Federal Emergency Management Agency.
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Shortly after the theme was played, a CEI official came on the system and
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informed workers a test was in progress, and the public ed for unauthorized
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business.
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Nudelman says he believes that was what really got the utility angry.
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Nudelman, 38, of Highland Heights, Ohio, says they took his tape recorder and
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tape. They told him to go back to work, but he was fired from his job with L.K
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Comstock Inc. two hours later.
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Nudelman says he started playing the 50-second tape to cheer people up and
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help them get started.
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''A lot of guys drive 45 minutes to get to work,'' he says. ''They feel like
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they've already worked half a day by the time they get there. ... It brought
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a little bit of something to everyone's day. I had only planned to do it for a
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week or so, but I'd hear people talk about it. And nobody said it was wrong or
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to stop doing it.'' If they had, he said, he would have stopped.
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''Some days it would be raining hard, and Mister Rogers would come on and say
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it was a beautiful day,'' says Nudelman. ''Then somebody would get on the
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public address system and say that Mister Rogers was blind.'' It was good for a
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laugh, he adds.
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CEI spokesman Glenn Heffner says Nudelman was fired for unauthorized use of
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the public address system. ''The system is specifically for emergencies and
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plant business,'' he says.
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Nudelman says it has been used by workers in the past. ''Last Christmas, I
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guess they had a dog barking Christmas carols,'' he says.
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The system is easily accessible, with phones all over the plant. Security
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personnel began trying to isolate the area in the plant from which the Rogers
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message was being sent.
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Nudelman says the day he was caught, guards apparently had been stationed
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near many phones.
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Although Nudelman says he believes getting fired was too harsh a punishment,
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he does not plan to fight it. It is the first time he has been fired in 20
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years, he says, but he is working at a construction site in Cleveland.
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''I won't play Mister Rogers over there, but we do have a radio going all the
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time,'' he says.
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Though Mister Rogers is gone, the broadcasts are not forgotten. A notice on
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a plant bulletin board offered a $1,000 reward for the capture of the security
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guards - referred to on the notice as ''gestapo agents'' - who did away with
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Mister Rogers.
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JM END HENDERSON
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(DISTRIBUTED BY THE NEW YORK TIMES NEWS SERVICE)
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nyt-12-11-84 1323est
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-------------------------------------------------------------------
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---R.C.B.
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What is the fastest animal on earth today?
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An Ethiopian chicken.
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I began to tell this story in chat one night, but it got quite confusing so I
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decided I would write here.
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There are many myths and legends about Christmas, but one that happened to make
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me smile a bit, was the one about how the Angel got to be placed atop the tree.
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One Christmas Eve, a long time ago, Santa awoke feeling quite amourous. He
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turned toward Mrs. Claus and snuggled up, but she just rolled over and grumbled
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something about having a headache. Feeling rejected, Santa rose out of bed and
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went to his workshop to see his Elves, knowing they always cheered him up.
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To Santa's dismay, when he walked into his workshop, he found most of the Elves
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were quite drunk, and unable to finish the many toys that still had to be done
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in time for his delivery that night. Now, quite angry, Santa stormed out of the
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shop and went to the barn to check out his sleigh and harnesses. When he got in
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the barn he was greeted by Rudolph who had a very bad case of the Hong Kong flu,
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and information about how Donner and Dancer, Prancer and Vixen all had the
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diarreah, and would be in no condition for flight. Now he was fuming! He went
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to the mail box to get his newspaper, and discovered the paperboy didn't wrap
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it up and it got soaked. Wondering what else could possibly go wrong, Santa
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walked back to the house, and settled into his easy chair when a spring busted
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and goosed him, making him spill his pipe tobbaco all over his shirt and pants.
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Just then, a knock at the door made him jump. He spang up, very irate to see
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who was going to bring him more bad news.
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When he opened the door, standing in front of him was a pretty little Angel,
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face all aglow, and dragging a large evergreen behind her. "Hi Santa!", she
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said, "Where do you want me to put the tree?"
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Well, needless to say, Santa did offer a suggestion, and from that day forth,
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it has been custom to place the Angel in the same place!
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Ho!Ho!Ho! Merry Christmas to all!
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OLD MOTHER HUBBARD, WENT TO THE CUBBARD,
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TO FETCH HER POOR DOG A BONE.
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BUT WHEN SHE BENT OVER, ROVER TOOK OVER,
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AND SHOWED HER A BONE OF HIS OWN!!
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WHAT'S JEWISH FOREPLAY? BRACE YOURSELF, AGNES.
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WHAT DO YOU SAY TO A MEXICAN IN A THREE PIECE SUIT?
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WILL THE DEFENDANT PLEASE RISE!!
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HOW DO YOU CATCH A POLAR BEAR?
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EASY!! YOU DIG A HOLE IN THE ICE, AND PUT PEAS ALL AROUND IT. THEN WHEN
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THE POLAR COMES TO TAKE A "PEA", YOU KICK HIM IN THE "ICE HOLE"!
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Q- WHY DID THE BLACK MAN WEAR A TUXEDO TO HIS VASECTOMY?
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A- HE SAID IF HE WAS GONNA BE IMPOTENT, HE WANTED TO LOOK IMPOTENT!
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(REALLY BAD ONE) HOW DO YOU KNOW IF YOUR ROOM MATE IS GAY? HIS DICK TASTES
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LIKE SHIT!
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DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE POLISH FISH?? IT DROWNED!
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HOW DO YOU RUIN A POLISH HALLOWEEN PARTY. FLUSH THE TO ILET WHILE THEY BOB
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FOR APPLES!
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DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE POLISH MAFIA. THERE WAS EVIDENCE: THEY FOUND TWO
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GUYS WITH THEIR HEADS TIED TOGETHER AND SHOT IN THE HANDS!
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DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE GAY BANK ROBBER? HE SHOT THE SAFE AND BLEW THE
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TELLERS! BYE FOR NOW!!
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How did the Polack die while drinking water?!
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The toilet seat fell on his head!
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What do you call a pretty girl in Poland?
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A tourist!
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What is Polish and has an IQ over 120?
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Warsaw!
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What do you call four black guys in a Mercedes 450 SEL convertable?
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A: grand theft auto
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Q: Wheres the beef?
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A: in Wendy's buns.
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Q: What do you call a whore with a runny nose?
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A: Full.
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Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
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A: None - that's a hardware problem.
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Q: How do you get rid of all the spic's in Philadelphia?
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A: Tell the spooks they taste like chicken.
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Q: What's the difference between Joan Collins and the Titanic?
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A: The Titanic went down with only 400 men.
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=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
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Silicon Vally Guy
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(to the tune of Vally Girl)
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Chorus no. 1:
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Silicon Vally Guy, Silicon Vally Guy.
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Slip on by in tennis shoes;
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Thinks he's glitched, but he's blown a fuse,
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Went on up to Radio Shack,
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To buy some chips for his Univac.
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No, that one's not mine,
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Anyway, it was a complete chip burnout,
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With floppy disk failure,
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A real total system dump, you know, for certain.
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So I said to the output user,
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"Look, would I de-rezz my own program? C'mon man,
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Dont call me, call P.G.&E.
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Go somewhere and have a meltdown, man like burn out."
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Then I went down to the Shack to get some subminiature disk relays,
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Get this, the salesman gives me a new plastic pocket protector,
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Chorus no. 2:
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Look out, Intel, here he comes.
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He's the king of computer runs.
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Got his degree from MIT.
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Knows square roots to infinity.
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I scanned that new program down in word processing,
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The one with the huge mammory banks. Yeah, Julie
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Punch my code, I am certain.
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When I first saw her, I thought, "Whoa, give me a microsecond.
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Could I trip her bit relay or what?"
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She sort of smile at me and I'm thinkin',
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"I've got to access this chick.
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Should I go subroutine or main program?" You know.
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So I just subtly invade her special ring and
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Introduce myself for starters.
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"Hi I'm Ray FIDO."
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Chorus no. 1
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So after a few casual edit statements,
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I can tell this unit really dug me.
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I mean, it's modem to the max.
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The program computers, right?
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We make plans to meet at her place,
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I get there and she is on line,
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I mean, like, she's wearing all this software.
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I,m calculating the access time to her front end processor,
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And there is phased jitter enteringall my charged coupled devices.
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Her ambient temperature rises and she is alpha fluxing
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Right before my eyes!
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We skipped dinner.
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Chorus no. 2
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After a RAM refresh time interval, she says to me,
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"Ray, I'm all decoded now. I think you better go."
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And I say, "O.K. program. I can handle the endsum."
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"And Ray," she says, "I hope you wont de-rezz me in the morning."
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Hey I'm a silicon Vally Guy!"
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Backround:
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Vally Guy, he's a Vally Guy. Silicon Vally Guy.
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Come here you tattered little data, you.
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Give master control a little phase jitter.
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Punch my code!
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Did I ever show yo my cathode ray?
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It's really tubular!
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Gag me with a microchip.
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Hey, where's my beeper?
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--Don Data &
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the restones
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uploaded by Lenny Heyman
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-End-
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what do you do if an epileptic has a fit in your bathtub????
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throw in your laundry!!!!
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what do you do if your'e in the jungle and you come across an elephant?
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wipe it off!!!
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what did the black kid get for christmas?
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My bike!!
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what does GAY satnd for???
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Got Aids Yet???
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There was a young fellow named Lancelot
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Whom his neighbors all looked on askance a lot.
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Whenever he'd pass
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A presentable lass
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The front of his pants would advance a lot.
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Q - WHAT DO ELEPHANTS USE FOR VIBRATORS?
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A - EPILECTICS!
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WHAT DO GAY ESKIMOS GET?? COOL AIDS.
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WHAT DO GAY BAKERS GET? ROLL AIDS
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WHAT DO GAY MUSICIANS GET? BAND AIDS.
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WHY DO THEY BOIL WATER WHEN A BABY IS BORN?
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SO IF IT DIES, YOU CAN MAKE SOUP...
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WHY DID THE MONKEY FALL OUT OF THE TREE?
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CAUSE IT WAS DEAD...
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Q: HOW DO YOU MAKE A ONE ARMED POLOCK FALL OUT OF A TREE?
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A: WAVE.
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Why does a Polish Gynecologist use two fingers when he examines a woman?
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So he can get a second opinion!
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There was a young lady of Kent
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Who said that she knew what it meant
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When men asked her to dine,
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Gave her cocktails and wine:
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She knew what it meant, but she went.
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***
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That wasn't funny.
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***
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Oh yes it is! You just don't have a good sense of humor!
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why is a woman's ass-hole and snatch so close together?
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so you can carry them home like a six- pack when they're drunk.
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who's measurements are 17-17-17?
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Miss Eitheopias
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Why do Blacks call White people "Honkies"???
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It's the last noise they hear before white people run them over!!
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HOW MANY ETHIOPIANS CAN YOU FIT IN
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A VOLKSWAGON???
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ALL OF THEM!!
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Q: Why does a Polish Gynecologist use two fingers when he is examining a lady?
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A: In case he needs, a second opinion!
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Q:HOW DID BLACKS LEARN TO BREAKDANCE???
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A:STEALING THE HUBCAPS OFF MOVING CARS!!!!!!
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HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
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STOP ME IF YOU'VE HEARD THIS ONE....
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DO YOUR BALLS HANG LOW??
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DO THEY SWAY TO AND FRO?
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DO THEY DRAG IN THE SNOW?
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DO YOU GET A FUNNY FEELING WHEN YOU BOUNCE THEM ON THE CEILING?
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DO YOUR BALLS HANG LOW??
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---------------------------------------
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Q: A BLACK AND A POLACK JUMP OUT OF A PLANE....WHO HITS FIRST?????
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................................................................................
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........WHO CARES???????????
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DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE QUEER WHO WAS FIRED FROM THE SPERM BANK??
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HE WAS DRINKING ON THE JOB!!!!!!!!!!!
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The REAL words are:
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Do your balls hang low
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Can you swing 'em to and fro
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Can you tie 'em in a knot
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Can you tie 'em in a bow
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Can you throw 'em over your shoulder
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Like a Continental soldier
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Can you do the double-shuffle
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When you balls hang low.
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The chorus goes:
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Ting-a-ling, Gad damn!
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Find a woman if you can,
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If you can't find one,
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Find a clean old man.
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If you're ver in Gibralter
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Take a flying-fuck at Walter
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Can you do the double-shuffle
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When your balls hang low?
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The tune is "The Sailor's Hornpipe"
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Another dirty poem, written by none other than Robert Burns:
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Yestre'en I wed a lady fair,
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And - wad ye believe me? -
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On her cunt there graes nae hair!
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Now that's the thing that gries me.
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It vexed me sair, it plagued me sair,
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It put me in a passion -
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To think that I had wed a wife
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Whose cunt was out of fashion.
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some different jokes!!!!!
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what is brown and has holes in it?
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swiss shit
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WHAT DO YOU CALL A GUY WITH NO ARMS AND LEGS FLOATING IN THE OCEAN??
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BOB!
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WHAT DO YOU CALL A GUY WITH NO ARMS AND LEGS TACKED TO A WALL??
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ART!
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" " " " " " " " IN FRONT OF YOUR DOOR??
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MAT!
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" ON THE GRAZING RANCH??
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CHIP!
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IF YOU'VE GOT MORE, POST 'EM
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---STARGAZER--- >*
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take a guy that has no arms or legs and tie him to the back of your car. Take
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off and call him "skip"
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-Rassilon
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(come on- where the hell are the jokers out there?)
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"Do you promise to covet propriety, sobriety, purity, security, and not
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hurt the State...say 'What?'"
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"What?"
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"Take the stand."
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Q:HOW DO YOU SAVE A NIGGER FORM DROWNING?
|
||
A:TAKE YOUR FOOT OFF HIS HEAD.
|
||
|
||
Q:WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A JEW AND A CANOE?
|
||
A:A CANOE TIPS.
|
||
|
||
Q:What is the different between herpies and aids?
|
||
A:One is a love story, and one is a fairy tale.
|
||
|
||
What does "Aids" stand for?!
|
||
Anal Injected Death Syndrome!
|
||
|
||
How do you know God was a Polack?
|
||
Who else would put a snack bar so close to a shithouse!
|
||
|
||
|
||
OK, here's some more...
|
||
|
||
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in the water?
|
||
Bob
|
||
|
||
What do you call a girl with one leg?
|
||
Eileen ("I-Lean" for you dense folks)
|
||
|
||
What do you call a dog with no legs?
|
||
Cigarette
|
||
|
||
What do you say to a dog with no legs?
|
||
"Want to go for a drag?"
|
||
|
||
What do you call a guy with no legs?
|
||
Neil
|
||
|
||
|
||
New Eithiopian joke for the day....
|
||
|
||
How do you tell if an Eithopian women is pregnant?
|
||
Hold her up to the light.
|
||
|
||
A man walked into a bar, and sitting on a stool, asked the bartender for
|
||
three martinis. "Rough day?" asked the bartender. "No, I just found out that
|
||
my older brother was homosexual." replied the man. After downing the martinis,
|
||
the man left.
|
||
A week later, the same man, returned to the same bar, and asked the same
|
||
bartender for six martinis. "Six?" asked the bartender, "You must've had a
|
||
terrible week." "No." said the man, "I just heard that my younger brother was
|
||
gay." The bartender poured him the drinks, which he quickly downed, and left.
|
||
The next day, the man returned to the bar, and asked the bartender for nine
|
||
martinis. The bartender, thinking that this man had another brother who was
|
||
queer, asked the man, "Don't anybody in your family like girls?" To which the
|
||
man replied "Yeah sure! Me and my sister do!"
|
||
|
||
...............................................................................
|
||
|
||
heres a good one
|
||
|
||
A salesman is in town for the week and is very horny ,so he goes to the local
|
||
hoar house and asks for a girl, so the head of the hoars says well we are all
|
||
booked tonight although we have sally sandpaper (you can imagion why they call
|
||
her sandpaper) so he sais no thanks so he comes back the next night and the
|
||
hoar house is booked again so he sais what the fuck ill do it with sandpaper
|
||
sally she cant be that bad. so he went s and talked to her for a while it
|
||
turns out he really likes her a lot her, well let me tell you it was the worst
|
||
fuck of his life but he really liked her so the next night he went back to
|
||
sally and screwed her, well it was the best fuck in his life his penis went in
|
||
. So he asked her why it was so good and she said (punch line) I picked my VD
|
||
scabs and the puss seaped out
|
||
|
||
hhahahahahahahahahahahahaha^
|
||
Two boys ere playing outside when oneturned to the other and asked,"Do you
|
||
know what a penis is?" The second boy said noso the 1st toldhim to go ask his
|
||
mother...The boy went insithe kitchen..."Mom, what's a penis?" The mother
|
||
replied,"Um,well,um,your father's upstairs, go ask him." So the boy ask his
|
||
father and found him just getting out of the shower..."Dad, what'senis?" the
|
||
boy asked..The "This is a penis," opening up his towel,"furthermore,this is a
|
||
perfect penis." The boy ran outside to his friend and said,"I know what a penis
|
||
is!" "What is it?" asked the friend..So the boy pulled down his pants and
|
||
said,"TThis is a penis, and you know what? IIf it was two inches shorter, it
|
||
would be a perfect penis!"
|
||
|