1111 lines
38 KiB
Plaintext
1111 lines
38 KiB
Plaintext
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Did you know that scientists have discovered that AIDS is not
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a disease? It's a miracle -- it turns fruits into vegetables.
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Doctors have announced that their original diagnosis that Rock
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Hudson has AIDS was in error. He really has food poisoning - he got a
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hold of a bad weenie.
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A doctor calls up his patient and says, "Joe, I've got some bad
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news and some worse news."
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Joe replies, "Well gee doc, give me the bad news first, I guess."
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The doctor says, "Your test results came back and you only have
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24 hours to live"
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"Oh no! Well whats the worse news?", asks Joe.
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The doctor says, "We've been trying to get a hold of you since
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yesterday!"
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Did you know Michael Jackson has his own shampoo? It's
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called "Head & Smolders"
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What's old and wrinkled and smells like ginger?
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Fred Astaires' face.
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What's 12-12-12 ? Miss Ethiopia.
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What's the definition of optimism ?
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An Ethiopian with a dinner jacket.
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A lady walks into a pro shop and says she would like some golf
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lessons. The pro takes her out to the driving range and tells her to
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hold the club like she holds her husbands' organ. So she does and hits
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a nice straight shot right down the middle of the fairway. The pro says,
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OK, that was real good. Now take the club out of your mouth, put it in
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your hand, and we'll go for distance.
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Q. What's the difference between an Italian woman and Bigfoot?
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A. One is 6' tall, covered with matted hair, and smells bad.
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The other one has big feet.
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Q. What do you call an Ethiopian wearing a turban?
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A. A Q-tip.
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Q. How many Ethiopians can you put in a shower?
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A. It's hard to tell - they keep slipping down the drain.
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Q. Who killed more indians than Custer?
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A. Union Carbide.
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Q. What is the Union Carbide corporate theme song?
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A. One little, two little, three little indians...
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Q. What did Helen Keller say while making love to her new boyfriend?
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A. Funny, you don't feel Jewish.
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The doctor says to the patient while placing his
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stethoscope, "Big breaths."
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The patient replies "Yeth, and I'm not even thixteen!"
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Q. What do you call a midget fortune teller who escapes from prison?
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A. A small medium at large.
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Q. How did Helen Keller cut off her hand?
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A. Reading the stop sign at 55 mph.
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Removed due to cornyness
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Removed due to tastelessness
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Q. Do you know why the National Hockey League drafted Indira Ghandi?
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A. Because she stopped seven shots in four seconds.
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Q. What was John Lennons' last hit?
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A. The pavement.
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Q. What do you get when you cross Richard Pryor and Ella Fitzgerald?
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A. Cinderella
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Q. What kind of birth control does Mr. Spock use?
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A. A Vulcanized rubber.
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Q. What do Richard Pryor, Michael Jackson and Hotlips Hoolihan
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all have in common?
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A. Major Burns.
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A little boy came into the house and said, "Mommy, how much air does
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and airedale need?"
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"I don't know.", she answered, "Why?"
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"Because I just saw one pumping up another one."
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Australia - where men are men and sheep are nervous
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Mommy, Mommy, do we have to take the dog for a walk again?
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Shut up and drive.
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Q. WHY CAN'T HELEN KELLER HAVE CHILDREN?
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A. SHE'S DEAD.
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Q. WHAT'S BLACK, CRISPY AND SITS ON A ROOF?
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A. A POLISH ELECTRICIAN.
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Q. HOW DID THE POLISH MOTHER REPSOND WHEN HER DAUGHTER TOLD HER SHE
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WAS PREGNANT
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A. ARE YOU SURE IT'S YOURS?
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Q. WHY DO POLISH BABIES HAVE BIG HEADS?
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A. SO THEY DON'T FALL OUT DURING THE BRIDAL DANCE.
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Q. HOW MANY POLOCKS DOES IT TAKE TO MAKE CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES?
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A. 4 - 3 TO MAKE THE BATTER AND 1 TO PEEL THE M&M'S.
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Q. DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE POLISH GYNECOLOGIST WHO USED TWO FINGERS?
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A. HE WANTED A SECOND OPINION.
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Q. WHY AREN'T ARABS CIRCUMCISED?
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A. SO THEY HAVE SOMEWHERE TO PUT THEIR GUM IN A SANDSTORM.
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Q. HOW DO GERMANS TIE THEIR SHOES?
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A. IN LITTLE NAZIS.
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Q. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN AN EPILEPTIC HAS A FIT IN YOUR BATHTUB?
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A. THROW IN THE LAUNDRY.
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Q. WHERE DOES AN EPILEPTIC GO IN LAS VEGAS?
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A. SEIZURES PALACE
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ROSES ARE RED,
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VIOLETS ARE BLUE,
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I'M A SCHIZOPHRENIC,
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AND SO AM I
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Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A GUY WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS IN A FIREPLACE?
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A. BERNIE.
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Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLACK GUY WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS IN THE OCEAN?
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A. KAREEM ABDUL SANDBAR.
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Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A GUY WITH NO ARMS NO LEGS AND HALF WAY DOWN
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TINA TURNERS THROAT?
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A. MIKE.
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Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL TWO GUYS WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS HANGING ON
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A WALL?
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A. CURT AND ROD.
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Q. HOW CAN YOU TELL WHEN A LEPER HAS BEEN IN YOUR SHOWER?
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A. YOUR BAR OF SOAP HAS GROWN.
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NATALIE WOOD AND LINDA LOVELACE ARE MAKING A NEW MOVIE. IT'S CALLED
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DEEP FLOAT.
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Q. WHY DIDN'T KAREN CARPENTER VISIT POOL HALLS?
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A. SHE DIDN'T LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE CHALKED HER HEAD.
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Q. WHAT IS THE NAME OF ROMAN POLANSKI'S NEWEST MOVIE?
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A. CLOSE ENCOUTNERES OF THE THIRD GRADE.
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3 REASONS SEX IS BETTER WITH SHEEP.
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- THERE ALWAYS IN THE MOOD
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- THEY NEVER HAVE A HEADACHE
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- WHEN YOUR THROUGH SCREWING THEM YOU CAN EAT THEM
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Q. WHY IS LIFE LIKE A PENIS?
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A. WHEN ITS SOFT IT'S HARD TO BEAT AND WHEN IT'S HARD YOU GET SCREWED.
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Q. WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF A BELLY BUTTON ON A GIRL?
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A. IT'S A PLACE TO PUT YOUR GUM IN ON THE WAY DOWN.
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Q. WHAT KIND OF SOUP DO THEY SERVE IN A GAY CHINESE RESTAURANT?
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A. CREAM OF SOME YOUNG GUY.
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Q. WHAT DO YOU CALL A GAY SMURF?
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A. A SMAGGOT.
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Q. WHAT DID THE CENTURION SAY TO JESUS CHRIST.
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A. CROSS YOUR LEGS, I ONLY HAVE THREE NAILS.
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Q. WHAT'S 72?
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A. 69 WITH 5% MEAL TAX.
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What did Adam say to Eve?
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Stand back! I don't know how big this thing gets.
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God says to Adam, "Hey Adam, where's Eve?"
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"She's down taking a bath in the river.", Adam replies.
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"I Damn it (slight pun)! I'll never get the smell out of those fish!"
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What did the elephant say to the man?
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How do you breathe through that thing?
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Until next time, remember the immortal words of an anonymous voice
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from Mission control, 1 minute and 20 seconds after the take-off of
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Challenger - "I knew we should have fixed the light in the No Smoking sign"
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Here is the new song for Training and Support (TranSport) that Marie
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inspired with here gassy gumballs.
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(Sung to the tune of "Strangers in the Night")
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(CHORUS)
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Gumballs in the night,
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They make me gassy.
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Gumballs in the night,
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When I'm feelin' sassy.
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Gumballs in the night,
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They make me feel so good!
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When I've got my gumballs,
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Oh there is nothing like when
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I have got my gumballs,
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No better feeling than when
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my gumballs are here at night,
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Feeling oh so right,
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They make me very happy
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I just hope I don't get gassy with
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(Chorus)
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Since "The Color Purple" did so well at the box office, Prince has decided
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to do a sequel about struggling black slave musicians. It will be
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called "The Color of Purple Rain".
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Since so many people are upset about "The Color Purple" being shut out at
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the Academy awards and "Out of Africa" doing so well, a third movie will be
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made entitled "Back to Africa".
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The best name for a gay guy - Peter Suckwell.
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The last time I went to the bathroom, I felt like Prince Andrew - third in
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line for the Throne.
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They are making a new movie in the "Friday the 13th" and "Halloween" genre.
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It's called "Groundhog Day - You'll See More Than his Shadow".
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Did you hear about the new Libyan Navy? All their boats will have glass
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bottoms so they can see the old Libyan Navy.
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Be sure to watch Star Search '86 this week. The entire Marcos family will
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be competing in the Singing Group category.
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Did you hear about the new ride at Disneyland? It's called the Shuttle Express.
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It only lasts 73 seconds and you can only ride it once. (There is a discount
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for teachers)
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Since all the airlines are competing for your business with special fares,
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Mexicana airlines now has the best deal around - One way to the Sierra Madres
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for no charge.
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White Line Fever (Sung to "Take me out to the Ball Game")
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* Courtesy of Major League Baseball and The Drug Pushers of America. *
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Take me out for some co-caine,
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Take me out for some blow.
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Buy me a gram of Peruvian,
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I don't care if I'm busted again.
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For it's toot, toot, toot, like the home team,
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We know they're feeling no pain.
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For it's one, two, three snorts and out
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For some more co-caine.
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HELEN KELLER
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Q. How did Helen Keller meet her husband?
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A. It was a blind date.
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Q. Why were Helen Keller's fingers purple?
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A. She heard it through the grapevine.
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Q. Did you hear about the Helen Keller doll?
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A. Wind it up and it walks into walls.
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Q. Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
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A. So she can moan with the other.
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Q. Why did Helen Keller's dog jump off a cliff.
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A. You would too if you name was Ugggrrrgggh.
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Q. Why was Helen Keller's leg yellow?
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A. Her dog was blind, too.
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Q. How did Helel Keller go crazy?
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A. Trying to read a stucco wall.
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Q. Did you hear about Helen Keller's new book?
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A. Around the Block in Eighty Days.
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Q. How does Helen Keller drive?
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A. With one hand on the wheel and one hand on the road.
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Q. What's Helen Keller's favorite color?
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A. Corduroy.
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POLISH
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Q. Did you hear that the Polish government bought a thousand septic tanks?
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A. As soon as they learn to drive them, they're going to invade Russia.
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Q. Why does a Pole always take a dime along on his dates?
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A. So that if he can't come, he can call.
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A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the wilds which
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they were certain was the Missing Link. The proof of their theory, though,
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required that a human mate with the ape in order to see what characteristics
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the progeny would take on. So they put an ad in the paper:
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"$5000 to Mate with Ape."
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The next morning a Pole called up in response to the ad and said he'd be
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willing to be part of the experiment. "But," he said, "I have three conditions."
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The scientist agreed to hear him out.
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"First: My wife must never know.
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"Second: The children must be raised as Catholics.
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"Third: If I can pay in installments, I'm definitely interested."
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Polish Sex Manual:
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| <--------- |
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| IN |
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| ----------> |
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| OUT |
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| REPEAT IF NECESSARY |
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|______________________________|
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Q. Why did the Pole spend all night outside the whorehouse?
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A. He was waiting for the red light to turn green.
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Q. What do you call a pretty girl in Poland?
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A. A tourist.
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Q. Did you here about the Polish carpool?
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A. They all meet at work.
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Q. How do you know when your house has been burgled by a Pole?
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A. The garbage's been eaten and the dog is pregnant.
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JEWISH
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This black guy was walking down 125th Street, kicking rubbish out of his
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way, when he spotted something amid the trash that gleamed strangely. It
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turned out to be an oddly shaped bottle, and when he rubbed it, a Jewish
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genie appeared. "I'll give you two wishes," intoned the genie.
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"Far out," said the black guy. "First, I want to be white, uptight, and
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out of sight. Second, I want to be surrounded by warm, sweet, pussy."
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So the genie turned him into a tampon.
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The MORAL of the story: You can't get anything from a Jew without
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strings attached.
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Q. Why did the Jews wander in the desert for forty years?
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A. Somebody dropped a quarter.
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Q. What happends when a Jew with an erection walks into a wall?
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A. He breaks his nose.
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Q. What's a Jewish dilemma?
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A. Free ham.
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Q. What's the difference between karate and judo?
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A. Karate is a method of self defense, and judo is what bagels are made of.
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Q. What's the difference between a JAP and poverty?
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A. Poverty sucks.
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Q. How did they know Jesus was Jewish?
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A. Because he lived at home until he wat thirty,
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he went into his father's business,
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his mother thought he was God,
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and he thought his mother was a virgin.
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HOMOSEXUAL
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Q. What do you call a Jewish homosexual?
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A. He-blew.
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Q. What do you call an Irish homosexual?
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A. Gay-lick.
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Q. What do you call a Chinese homosexual?
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A. Chew-man-chew.
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Q. How do you fit four gays at a crowded bar?
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A. Turn the barstool upside down.
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Q. What did one lesbian say to another?
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A. Your face or mine.
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Q. What do Polish lesbians use for a lubricant?
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A. Tartar sauce.
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Q. Considering that in order to get married, you have to have a marriage
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license, what do two lesbians have to get?
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A. A licker license.
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Q. What do you call a gay milkman?
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A. A Dairy Queen.
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Q. Why was the homosexual fired from his job at the sperm bank?
|
|
|
|
A. For drinking on the job.
|
|
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
HANDICAPPED
|
|
-----------
|
|
|
|
Q. What's the New Jersey state vegetable?
|
|
|
|
A. Karen Anne Quinlan.
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
The mongoloid husband comes home from work and sits down at the kitchen
|
|
table, hungry for dinner. Soon enough, his mongoloid wife puts down in
|
|
front of him a plate with a piece of meat on it, nothing else.
|
|
"Where're the vegetables?" he asks.
|
|
"Oh," replies the wife, "they're not home from school yet."
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Bumper sticker: Hire the handicapped - They're fun to watch.
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. Who was the meanest man in the world?
|
|
|
|
A. The guy who raped the deaf-and-dumb girl, then cut off her fingers so she
|
|
couldn't yell for help.
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. What did the leper say to the prostitute?
|
|
|
|
A. Keep the tip.
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. What's a leper in the bathtub?
|
|
|
|
A. Stew
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. What do you call a man with two arms and no legs?
|
|
|
|
A. Neil
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. What do you call a girl with one leg?
|
|
|
|
A. Eileen
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
This beautiful young paraplegic was sitting on the beach in her
|
|
wheelchair, gazing mournfully out at the crashing waves, when a handsome
|
|
guy came up behind her. "What's wrong?" he asked gently. "Why do you
|
|
look so sad?"
|
|
"I've never been kissed," she explained, brushing a tear off her cheek.
|
|
"Well, I can take care of that," said the fellow, and did, then walked
|
|
off down the beach feeling pretty pleased with himself.
|
|
The next week he was walking down the beach again when what should he
|
|
see but the same beautiful young paraplegic, looking more down-in-the-mouth
|
|
than ever. "What's wrong now?" he asked, looking deep into her eyes.
|
|
"I've never been fucked," she said sadly.
|
|
"No problem," he said, his chest swelling with manly pride. He bent over
|
|
to lift her from the wheelchair, cradled her gently in his arms, and walked
|
|
slowly down the pier. Reaching the end, he threw her in the water and
|
|
shouted, "Now you're fucked!"
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Did you hear about the nice woman who gave Ray Charles a ticket to see
|
|
Marcel Marceau?
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A guy was passing through town on his way across the state when he decided
|
|
it was time for lunch. He pulled up in front of a little boy sitting on
|
|
some front steps and asked, "S-s-s-say, k-k-k-kid, d-d-d-you know wh-wh-where
|
|
I c-c-c-could g-g-get a hot m-m-meal around h-h-here?"
|
|
The kid didn't say a word.
|
|
"Hey k-k-k-k-kid, d-d-d-don't you know s-s-s-somewhere s-s-s-serving
|
|
f-f-food around h-h-h-here?"
|
|
The kid just shook his head, and the tourist drove off in disgust. Just
|
|
then the boy's mother came out of the house. "Herbie," she said, "you've
|
|
lived in this town all your life. Don't tell me you don't know somewhere
|
|
to get a bite of lunch."
|
|
"I d-d-d-do," said the kid, "b-b-b-but you th-th-think I w-w-w-wanna
|
|
get sl-sl-sl-slapped?"
|
|
|
|
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
RELIGION
|
|
--------
|
|
|
|
Q. You know why the Pope didn't want to accept the position?
|
|
|
|
A. It meant moving into an Italian neighborhood.
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two nuns were taking a stroll through the park at dusk when two men jumped
|
|
them, ripped off their habits, and proceeded to rape them.
|
|
Sister Gregory, bruised and battered, looked up at the sky and said softly,
|
|
"Forgive him, Lord, for he knows not what he does."
|
|
Sister Theresa looked over at her and said, "Mine does."
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. What's black and red and has trouble getting through a revolving door?
|
|
|
|
A. A nun with a spear through her head.
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two bishops were discussing the decline in morals in the modern world. "I
|
|
didn't sleep with my wife before I was married," said one clergyman
|
|
self-righteously. "Did you?"
|
|
"I don't know," said the other. "What was her maiden name?"
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Three nuns die and go to heaven, where they are warmly welcomed at the
|
|
Pearly Gates by St. Peter. "Sisters," he says, "I want to thank you for
|
|
all your good work on earth. Now there's just a brief formality before I
|
|
can admit you to heaven: each of you will have to answer one question."
|
|
And, turning to the first nun, he asks, "Sister Michael, what is the
|
|
Mystery of the Trinity?"
|
|
"That's the Father, Son and Holy Ghost," she replies. And the lights flash,
|
|
the bells go off, and Sister Michael is swept into the Pearly Gates.
|
|
"Sister Benedicta," asks St. Peter gently, "what is the Mystery of the
|
|
Virgin Birth?"
|
|
"That's the Immaculate Conception," she replied, and she too is swept
|
|
inside the gates with much flashing of lights and sounding of bells.
|
|
Sister Angelica is left alone, shaking a bit with nervousness. St Peter
|
|
turns to her and asks, "What, Sister Angelica, were the first words Eve
|
|
said to Adam?"
|
|
Sister Angelica thought it over, beads of sweat starting to appear on
|
|
her brow, and finally blurted, "Gee, Saint Peter, that's a hard one."
|
|
And the bells went off, the gates opened...
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Jesus was making his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened,
|
|
white-haired old man sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate. The
|
|
next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally
|
|
miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
|
|
"See here, old fellow," said Jesus kindly, "this is heaven. The sun is
|
|
shining, you've got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you
|
|
might want to play - you're supposed to be blissfully happy! What's wrong?"
|
|
"Well," said the old man, "you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost
|
|
my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here in heaven I was hoping
|
|
more than anything to find him."
|
|
Tears sprang to Jesus' eyes. "Father!" he cried.
|
|
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed,
|
|
"Pinocchio!"
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. What did the Centurion say to Jesus?
|
|
|
|
A. Cross your legs, I only have three nails.
|
|
|
|
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
|
|
FEMALE ANATOMY
|
|
--------------
|
|
|
|
Q. What does an elephant use for a tampon?
|
|
|
|
A. Sheep.
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. Did you hear why Polish women can't use vibrators?
|
|
|
|
A. They chip their teeth.
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. What's the difference between parsley and pussy?
|
|
|
|
A. Nobody eats parsley.
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. Did you hear about the new New Wave band called the Toxic Shock Syndrome?
|
|
|
|
A. Their new hit's called "Ragtime".
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
This guy and girl are making out in the back seat of the car, and things
|
|
are getting pretty hot and heavy. "Put you finger inside me," she asks,
|
|
and he's only too happy to oblige.
|
|
"Put another finger inside me," she orders, moaning in pleasure.
|
|
"Put you whole hand inside me."
|
|
"Put both hands inside me."
|
|
"Now clap."
|
|
"I can't!" the guy protests.
|
|
"Tight, huh?" she smiles.
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Two women are sitting on the front stoop, passing the time. "Damnit,"
|
|
says one to the other, "my husband came home with a dozen roses. I'm
|
|
gonna have to spend all weekend with my legs in the air."
|
|
"Why?" asks her friend. "Don't you have a vase?"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. What's the difference between garbage and a girl from New Jersey?
|
|
|
|
A. Sometimes garbage gets picked up.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. How can you tell if your girlfriend's too fat?
|
|
|
|
A. If she sits on your face and you can't hear the stereo.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. How can you tell when a Polish woman's not wearing any underwear?
|
|
|
|
A. By the dandruff on her shoes.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. Did you hear about the blind gynecologist?
|
|
|
|
A. He could read lips.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. Why did God invent booze?
|
|
|
|
A. So that fat, ugly girls could have a chance to get laid, too.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. Why did God create women?
|
|
|
|
A. Because sheep can't cook.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. What's a Cinderella 10?
|
|
|
|
A. A woman who sucks and fucks till midnight and then turns into a pizza
|
|
and a six-pack.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
|
|
MALE ANATOMY
|
|
------------
|
|
|
|
The newlyweds had never slept together and were most eager to consummate
|
|
their union. The bride in her eagerness insisted on undressing the groom,
|
|
but stopped dead upon removing his shoes and socks, finding his toes
|
|
grossly misshapen.
|
|
"Not to worry," the groom explained. "A case of toelio when I was a child."
|
|
The bride proceeded apace, only to stop again with an expression of shock
|
|
on her face once she had taken off his pants.
|
|
"Nothing but a childhood case of kneesles," he reassured her.
|
|
"Down to the basics, she reached for his jockey shorts. "I know, I know,"
|
|
she interrupted before her husband could say a word, "nothing but a case
|
|
of smallcox."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. Why did God give black men such huge pricks?
|
|
|
|
A. Because he was so sorry about what he'd done to their hair.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. What's long and hard and full of semen?
|
|
|
|
A. A submarine.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. What did the egg say to the boiling water?
|
|
|
|
A. "How can you expect me to get hard so fast? I just got laid a minute ago!"
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A man came into a bar, sat down at the bar for a drink, and noticed that
|
|
there was a horse in the back of the room with a big pot of money in front
|
|
of it. "What's that all about?" he asked the bartender.
|
|
"You gotta put a dollar in the pot," explained the bartender, "and you
|
|
collect the pot if you can make the horse laugh."
|
|
The guy went over to the horse, whispered in its ear, and the horse cracked
|
|
up, fell over, and rolled on the floor in laughter. And the fellow picked
|
|
up the pot and walked out.
|
|
Five years later the same guy walked into the same bar and saw the same horse
|
|
at the back with another big pot of money in front of it. "It's not so easy,"
|
|
said the bartender. "This time you gotta make the horse cry."
|
|
The guy walked over to the horse, and in a matter of minutes the horse fell
|
|
to its knees, sobbing as though its heart were breaking. The guy picked up
|
|
the pot and was on his way out the door when the bartender stopped him.
|
|
"Hey," he said, "at least tell us how you did it."
|
|
"Easy," said the guy. "The first time I told him my prick was bigger than
|
|
his, and the second time I showed him."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A black couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and
|
|
by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father got
|
|
up to buy some popcorn, the boy piped up. "Mom, what's that long thing on
|
|
the elephant?"
|
|
"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
|
|
"No, not that."
|
|
"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
|
|
"No, Mom. Down underneath!"
|
|
His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing." Pretty soon the father
|
|
returned, and mother went off to get a soda. As soon as she had left, the
|
|
boy repeated his question.
|
|
"That's the elephant's trunk, son."
|
|
"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the other end."
|
|
"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
|
|
"No. Down there!"
|
|
The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis."
|
|
"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
|
|
The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. Why does a dog lick his balls?
|
|
|
|
A. Because he can.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. What do you have when you have two little green balls in you hand?
|
|
|
|
A. Kermit's undivided attention.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
This young man decided that, physically, he wasn't adequately endowed.
|
|
Deciding to take matters into his own hands, he went to a doctor and
|
|
announced his desire to have his penis surgically enlarged.
|
|
The doctor checked things out and told the young man that the only real
|
|
improvement that could be surgically worked was to implant a section of a
|
|
baby elephant's trunk.
|
|
Rather a radical solution, agreed the patient, but he was adamant. The
|
|
operation was performed without any complications, and after a few weeks of
|
|
recuperation the young man decided it was time to try out his new
|
|
accoutrement.
|
|
He asked a lovely young woman of his acquaintance out to dinner at an
|
|
elegant restaurant. They were having a quiet conversation when his new
|
|
organ, which had been comfortably resting in his left pants leg, whipped out
|
|
over the table, grabbed a hard roll, and just as speedily disappeared from
|
|
sight.
|
|
"Wow!" said the girl, truly impressed. "Can you do that again?"
|
|
"Sure," said the fellow, "but I don't know if my asshole can stand another
|
|
hard roll."
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. How is man like a snowstorm?
|
|
|
|
A. Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get,
|
|
of how long it'll stay.
|
|
|
|
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
CRUELTY TO ANIMALS
|
|
------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. What can you do with a dog with no legs?
|
|
|
|
A. Take it for a drag.
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A guy comes into a bar and the first thing he sees in the middle of the
|
|
room is an enormous alligator. He spins around and is hustling out the door
|
|
when the bartender says, "Hey, hold it! Come on back in; this alligator's
|
|
tame. Look, I'll show you."
|
|
He comes out from behind the bar, tells the alligator to open its mouth,
|
|
unzips his pants and whips it out, and stands there with his pecker in the
|
|
alligator's mouth for a full fifteen minutes.
|
|
"Pretty amazing, huh?" he says, turning around and zipping himself up.
|
|
"You wanna give it a try?"
|
|
"Gee, I don't think so," says the first man. "I don't think I could keep
|
|
my mouth open for fifteen minutes."
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. Did you hear abut the Polish fox that caught its paw in a trap?
|
|
|
|
A. It gnawed off three feet before it got free.
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. What does an elephant use for a vibrator?
|
|
|
|
A. An epileptic.
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. What do you do with and elephant with three balls?
|
|
|
|
A. Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest
|
|
girl there. "This is a very special frog," he informs her. "His name is
|
|
Charlie."
|
|
"What's so special about this frog?" she asks. He's reluctant to tell her,
|
|
but when pressed, explains that, "This frog can eat pussy."
|
|
The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling
|
|
her a filthy lie. But no, he assures her, it's completely true. And after
|
|
much discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog
|
|
in action. She positions herself appropriately, the guy takes out the frog,
|
|
and says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"
|
|
The frog is immobile, despite his owner's exhortations, and the girl starts
|
|
to snicker.
|
|
"Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm only
|
|
going to show you one more time."
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. What is the difference between meat and fish?
|
|
|
|
A. If you beat your fish, it dies.
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. How do you get virgin wool?
|
|
|
|
A. From ugly sheep.
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
Q. Why do ducks have webbed feet?
|
|
A. To stamp out forest fires.
|
|
|
|
Q. Why do elephants have big, flat feet?
|
|
A. To stamp out flaming ducks.
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|
|
This blind fellow walked into Macy's with his seeing-eye dog and headed
|
|
straight for the men's department. Surrounded by pajamas and neckties, he
|
|
proceeded to come to a stop, pick up his German Shepard by the hind legs,
|
|
and swing the dog around and around in a circle.
|
|
A startled clerk ran over to him, saying loudly, "Sir...may I help you
|
|
with anything?"
|
|
"No thanks," said the blind man, "just looking."
|
|
|
|
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
|
|
|