113 lines
5.1 KiB
Plaintext
113 lines
5.1 KiB
Plaintext
Continuing our hard-hitting series of investigations into the modem world, we
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at KTTY have come across a certain group of small, immature, sniveling children
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that seek to bolster their own egos through hollow threats and innuendo. Our
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spotlight tonight is on a group that calls themselves the "Lynch Mob." We
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managed to sneak an undercover reporter into the very heart of their
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organization. We will now switch to footage taken by our hidden camera.
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[Scene: one small, short child (or is it a dwarf?), slowly walking up to a
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door. He knocks twice, and the door swings open, revealing yet another short
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child (or is it a dwarf?). The high pitched voices of the two children can be
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heard through microphones carefully hidden by our on-the- spot reporters:]
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"What is the password?"
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"Acerebral."
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"And what is the top-secret k-kool a-awesome catchphrase of our society?"
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"Why be an idiot when you can be a raving moron?" our secret reporter
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shouted loudly, while making the club sign of a finger, pointing at the head,
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and rotating about the ear, all the while inserting the middle finger of the
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other hand into the correct and proper bodily opening.
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[Thus, our undercover reporter weaned his way into the sanctified (and rather
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smelly) undercover headquarters of the Lynch Mob, and managing to give Commander
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Video's mother the slip for the cookies that he had stolen during the last
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visit, he continued within. Our hidden cameras managed to capture the events
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that transpired within.
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The person in the red beanie cap is the ringleader, known as only "Commander
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Video," except to his close comrades, to whom he is known as "Moo$ehead," or
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"Drano Breath," depending on the season. Some authorities have speculated that
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Commander Video does indeed have a vestige of intelligence, although instruments
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have not yet been made sensitive enough to register this flickering sentiency.]
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"Hello, Commander Video," our reporter said.
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Commander Video replied, "Uhhhhh....."
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Our reporter quickly pulled out the semaphore flags, which is unfortunately
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the only way that Commander Video can carry on an intelligent conversation ever
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since the accident of his birth.
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Through the semaphore flags, the conversation continued thusly:
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"What new wares do you have," asked our reporter.
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Commander Video, after a long pause with absolutely no facial reaction,
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answered, "Apple Panic and Miner 49er!!!!!!!!!"
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"You're kidding!" cried our reporter. "Who managed to crack those programs?"
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Commander Video replied, "Why, our hacker, Diehard the Hunter."
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[Note to the audience: Diehard the Hunter is one of the most intelligenct
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members of Lynch Mob, having finished the fifth grade.]
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At this point in time, an errant baseball hit by a neighborhood child
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smashed through the window.
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Commander Video almost went into a frenzy as he whipped the semaphore flags
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about. "We're under attack! We're under attack! Summon the third graders! We
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need our best and most elite reinforcements! Get the Ack-Ack guns!"
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Diehard quickly went into the basement to summon the reinforcements. All of
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the reserves of Lynch Mob are kept in hibernation; unfortunately, due to poor
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storage conditions, the Lynch Mob only has three working brains for ten members.
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This has been theorized to increase the Mob's efficiency by 12%.
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[At this point, our brave reporter quickly left through the window, realizing
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that the sight of the Lynch Mob preparing for battle against a few innocent
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children would be too much like 'Laurel and Hardy' reruns, which our reporter
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loathes.
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We now switch to an interview with Dr. Shart Ekimboe, a noted psychologist,
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and specialist on deviant behavior. After watching our videotapes of the events
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mentioned, above, the psychologist broke into tears.]
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"How awful! How awful! How could something like this have evolved? How
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could these people have been released in this state? Amazing! I would never
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think that a person would need two lobotomies. One always worked in the past."
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"Doctor," our reporter asked, "do you know these people?"
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"Yes, I do," the doctor admitted. "Unfortunately, they are suffering
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from a rare condition, in that their mental growth was arrested at age two.
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This, combined with the normal stresses of life as they approach puberty, has
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deranged them, and made them crave unsubstantiated threats against sysops for
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them to go on living without attacking the cat an undue amount of times."
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"Thank you, Doctor, for your comments."
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Tune in tomorrow for part four of our investigation into the seamy underside
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of the modem world, when we will investigate the correlation between age and
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membership in these groups.
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+-------------------------------------+
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| ! |
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| ! |
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| ! |
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| ! |
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| O |
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| This has been a courtesy of 20 |
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| minutes, sponsored by Simon Jester. |
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+-------------------------------------+
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