126 lines
4.1 KiB
Plaintext
126 lines
4.1 KiB
Plaintext
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EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW!
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The National Satirist is proud and, as Hubert Humphrey used to say, "pleased
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as punch" to bring you this exclusive, if imagined, interview with Nabih Berri's
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closest second cousin, Elder Berri. According to ground rules set by Elder's
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manager, Onda Fritz, no direct questions were asked regarding Elder's now famous
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second cousin, Nabih.
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Our highly regarded interviewer for this important world scoop was Horace
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"Porky" Clovenham. Porky keeps a low profile, but, believe us, you'll see why
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he is so highly regarded in freelance interview circles.
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Porky: Elder, one of your relations recently handled a tough situation with
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incredible aplomb. Is this a family trait?
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Elder: Me nono if you thank you very much.
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Porky: I understand you live and work in the United States. Obviously your
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nuclear family is pretty split up, geographically speaking.
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Elder: Uh, baseball Michael Jackson please yes!
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Porky: When our researchers contacted your agent/manager, did they happen to
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ask whether you speak English?
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Elder <smiling>: Bani ma capin rah be bi bi ali akbar!
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Porky <smiling, too, through his gritted teeth>: Excuse me, Elder, but I think
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you're a fraud and a charlatan! I paid good money for this interview and now
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find you can't speak intellible English--or even American! Right?
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Elder: Yes no thank you excuse me.
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Porky <hollering to Onda Fritz, Elder's manager>: You jerk! You said this
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bobo could speak English! I want my five grand back!
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Onda: Tough beans, Yankee mouthpiece.
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<a nasty scuffle ensued at this point in the interview>
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Porky: <mmmmph! thwacko!>
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Onda: <thunk! snap! pop!>
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Elder: <whambam! socko! unh!>
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Onda: Uncle!
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Porky: Uncle! Owwww! UNCLE!
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Elder <sitting on both of them>: Danny Thomas yankee TV two-for-one!
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Onda: See? He DOES speak English!
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Porky <holding a handkerchief to his bleeding nose>: Yeah, sure, and I speak
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perfect Shiite or whatever. I still want my money back!
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Onda: If you want your money back then tell your President to stop villifying
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the Shiites!
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Porky: I'm getting out of here. <slam!>
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...later.....
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Porky: I've got it all on tape and it's dynamite, I tell you!
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NatSat: Well, good! Give over the tape, Porky.
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Porky: Er, well, my expenses were kinda higher than I had expected. I need
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another five grand.
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NatSat: Oh. Okay, sure. <peel, peel> Here.
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Porky: Thanks and bye bye!
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...later.....
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NatSat <listening to sounds of scuffle on tape>: Hmmmm. I think we've been
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had.
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Assistant Editor: Look, we could put it online anyway and see how it flies...
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NatSat: You really think our readers would fall for it?
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Ass. Editor <sniffling>: Sure! They're all a bunch of hackers anyway. They'll
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never know!
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NatSat: Forget it. Our journalistic rep is on the line here. I want you to
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fly to Beirut and interview the horse's mouth himself.
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Ass. Editor <shrugs>: Okay, you're the boss.
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...later....
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...in Beirut....
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Ass. Editor <clears throat>: I'm here today for The National Satirist, with an
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exclusive world scoop interview with Nabih Berri's brother-in-law, once
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removed.
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Say hello to America, Dingle!
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Dingle Berri: Hands in the sky, tourist!
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Ass. Editor <holding hands in air>: When did it become apparent that Nabih,
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your own family's leader, was going to sell out to the Syrians?
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Dingle <looking Ass. Ed over>: You oughta be good for a couple dozen Israeli
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prisoners. Here, put this blindfold over your eyes.
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Ass. Ed: I mean you'd think ol' Nabih would have kept a couple, y'know, in
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escrow or something <chortles imperialistically>. What a jerk! He had the
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whole world in cupped hands and gives it up! Hahahaha!
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Dingle <donning face mask, hoisting rifle>: Now, march! Wait'll the American
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media finds out about THIS one!
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Ass. Ed: Hey! What's going on here? Are you taking me hostage? I want my
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five grand back!
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...later....
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WANTED: Assistant editor for major weekly publication. Low pay, long hours,
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desired. $12,500 per annum. Write Box 2020, Ansonia Station, N.Y.,N.Y.
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Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
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