120 lines
5.6 KiB
TeX
120 lines
5.6 KiB
TeX
From era@ncar.UCAR.EDU Fri Jun 2 05:30:05 1989
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Flags: 000000000001
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Path: molokai!milano!cs.utexas.edu!inebriae!looking!funny-request
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From: era@ncar.UCAR.EDU (Ed Arnold)
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Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
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Subject: Insurance Companies
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Keywords: maybe, true
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Message-ID: <3420@looking.on.ca>
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Date: 2 Jun 89 10:30:05 GMT
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Sender: funny@looking.on.ca
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Lines: 103
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Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
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Reply-Path: mailrus!ncar.UCAR.EDU!era
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Those of you who are not employed by insurance companies, may find the
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following amusing. It appeared in an issue of the Colorado Bar Journal,
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and is posted with permission of the author.
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----------
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>From THE WOOL-SACK
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by Christopher R. Brauchli
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But if the while I think
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on thee, dear friend,
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All losses are restor'd and sorrows end.
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Shakespeare, Sonnet 30
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(Not written to an insurance company.)
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Last year closed out with good news for your friend and mine, THE
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INSURANCE COMPANY. Until recently, all we heard was the sound made by
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companies being crunched by devastating lawsuits brought by injured
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persons aided by my avaricious colleagues.
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So upset was one company that it began paying for advertisements in
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newspapers around the country to marshal opposition to what it called
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"lawsuit abuse." Although not stated in the ad I saw, implicit was
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the notion that, if we would quit dreaming up lawsuits, people and
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insurance companies would be better off. As a result of a recent
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court decision, one kind of case will no longer cost the insurance
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company any money. That will make the insurance companies very happy.
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Before I tell you about that case, however, let me tell you about
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something else that makes insurance companies very happy - income
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taxes.*1 I know what you are thinking. You are thinking that if income
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taxes make insurance companies happy, it must be because they earn the
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same amount of money your Aunt Minnibelle earns, and she likes income
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taxes because she never has to pay them. If you think that, consider
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this.
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In 1986, fifteen insurance companies paid no federal income taxes.
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Nonetheless, among the fifteen, the one with the lowest net income
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(Ohio Casualty Insurance) had a net income of more than $139 million
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and the one with the highest net income (State Farm) had a net income
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in excess of $1.6 billion. In 1987, State Farm's net income jumped by
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an additional billion and it paid a half million in federal taxes.
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Your Aunt Minnibelle would be tickled pink if she had that kind of
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income and those kinds of taxes. So, for that matter, would I.
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But I digress. Here is what was added to the insurance companies'
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federal income taxes to bring them joy during the recent holiday
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season - Andino v. Dupont Plaza Hotel. Not being a reported
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case, this is probably one of the few places you can read about it.
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It is nonetheless of some significance, since it establishes
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conclusively that there is at least one area of the law that is not
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developing.
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Juanita Andino was injured in the 1986 fire at the Dupont Plaza Hotel
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that killed ninety-seven people. A suit was brought against the hotel
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on account of her injuries. One of the plaintiffs (if not the only one)
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was Juanita's husband, Valeriano.
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The complaint alleged that as a result of injuries Juanita sustained in
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the fire, she was "unable to perform her duties as a spouse." In
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addition it was alleged that Valeriano had suffered a loss of income to
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the marital partnership because of Juanita's lost earnings. Here is
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why the insurance companies are happy.
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The judge threw the lawsuit out and fined each of the lawyers who
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brought the lawsuit $5,000.*2 He did that because Mr. Andino, who the
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lawsuit alleged suffered from his wife's inability to perform her
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duties as a spouse and suffered loss of income to the marital
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partnership, was dead. Not only was he dead, he had been dead for 12
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years before the fire occurred. The judge ruled that, in order to
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recover damages for an injury, the plaintiff must be alive at the time
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of the injury is alleged to have occurred. Imagine that!
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Now, in addition to the pleasure they receive from tax laws, which are
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kinder to them than to you and me, insurance companies need no longer
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live in fear that the graveyard is the home of potential plaintiffs.
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The Andino case stands for the proposition that people who lie
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moldering in graves may, in some parts of this country, still exercise
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the right to vote. They do not as they lie in repose, however, have
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standing to sue.*3
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NOTES
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*1 For this bit of information I am indebted to John Salmon, who
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published it in ads in the Denver media. He thought the public
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should be aware of the full extent of hardships suffered by
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insurance companies.
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*2 One of the lawyers was Melvin Belli. He is fondly remembered
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in Colorado for his kind remarks about the Colorado Trial Lawyers'
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Association. He made those remarks after leaders of CTLA
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suggested that Belli's trip to Bhopal, India, to represent
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what, when he left, were best described as "Unknown Plaintiffs,"
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was not, ostensibly, propelled by eleemosynary engines.
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*3 Contrary to the opinion of some wag I know, this case does not
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stand for the proposition that the object of a necrophiliac's
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attention cannot recover damages if a necrophiliac sustains
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injuries. This case has nothing to do with necrophilia. It has
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to do with sloppy lawyering.
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__________
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Ed Arnold * NCAR (Nat'l Center for Atmospheric Research) * Mesa Lab
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--
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Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
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Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
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Remember: PLEASE spell check and proofread your jokes.
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