119 lines
5.9 KiB
Plaintext
119 lines
5.9 KiB
Plaintext
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How to be God...Book II
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By the Rusty Nail,the Flat Tire,and JIm
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Note:There was an earlier "How to be God" file,but it seems to have gotten
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lost or destroyed. If anyone got it during it's short time up over the
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summer of 1986,please put it up again.
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Chapter I:Introduction
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There are three methods for becoming god,two of them centered around
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a hub of mystic energy. These methods are interchangeable,but the objects
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and equipment used in each must not be substituted,or the god you become
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may be a hybrid strain. (Explained within.) The one exception is dirt for
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coffee in Method 2.
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Chapter II:Method 1
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To become god,you will need a cardboard easter basket painted in a
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pastel color,and filled with green strips of plastic "grass." Astroturf is
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unacceptable. Take a large vat,such as the kind used for cooking spaghetti,
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and fill to the rim with any color of pottery glaze. It is best if you do
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this in a kitchen with an oven,but using a plugged-in television,turned
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off,is fine. Dip the basket in the vat,and after it has changed color,
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place in a safe,clean pyrex dish you do not mind staining. Put the dish
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in an oven and set to broil. Or,if by a TV,turn it on. Take a single large
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nail and hammer it into the screen,then pull it out. Ignore cracking glass
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that may splinter off.
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Find a funnel or sufficient tubing and pour glaze through hole. Wait
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15 minutes for either oven or TV. (A projection-screen TV is not good
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enough.) After 15,open oven or peel away glass to reveal a solid,cooked
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block of stuff. When consumed,this stuff will cause your head to spin,
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and you to find yourself behind an immense pylon on Easter Island. Watch
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out for the killer bunnies. Stan dd on your head. If you never learned to
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stand on your head,lie on your back with a hat on your butt. Soon a strange
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voice will ask you,"Who am I?" Here is the key for answers:
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Low,nasal,scratchy:millionaire Donald Trump
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British,confident,fast:Michael Palin of Monty Python
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Small,elderly,short of breath:Ken Weatherwax,Puggsly of the Addams family
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Tell these people truly who they are. If Palin,be very [,very careful
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of the killer bunnies! When you say the name,you will fly to the sky and
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be god.
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Sidebar:Hybrid Strains
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When someone becomes god,the current god is returned to earth. If you
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make substitutions of equipment,the god you are will follow the warped,
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obscure religious views of televangelists and
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o
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...and Pat Robertson-types. So don't,or you will condemn your entire rule
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to follow those guidelines.
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Chapter III:Method 2
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If you are a homebody or a couch potato,this method is for you. (This
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is an ideal method for the 1990's.) Make yourself a strong cup of coffee.
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Drink half of it,and put the remaining half in the freezer at about 7:00
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P.M. Watch "Wheel of Fortune" on your TV. When it ends,take out the frozen
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coffee and peel off the layer of scum on top. (if you wish,you may
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substitute ground eartyhh for dry coffee flakes.) Congratulations,you have
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just created the "coffee roll-up" for busy commuting adults. Now sit on
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the floor with your legs crossed. Send a mental signal,with every erg of
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your concentration. As the people realize what stupid ideas these
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food companies have come up with,they will either swear or say "Oh god!"
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If they say "Oh god!" you will be god. If they are girls in a Californian
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valley,and say "Oh gawd",or modem-users and say "Oh g0d,"you need only
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"nose toast" to be god. Make toast,tear off a thin strip,and put it in
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your left nostril. You will be god. Unfortunately,as god you will have
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bread in your left nostril. (But you can buy a replacement body cheap
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at Purgatory Pete's.) If the people swear,you won't be god. You will
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become a Russian peasant. However,that isn't so bad. There is a lot of
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vodka around,and the kids all get to play Borgoise Tagg every day. But
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if you really depise Russia,you should eat your coffee roll-up(you do
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know where your coffee roll-up is,don't you?) and find yourself on
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top of the northernmost stone in Stonehenge. The voices will come again,
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and the rest is the same.
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Chapter IV:Method 3
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If you have broken limbs or are sick,you may want to opt for method 3.
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Send fifty-six-dollars-and-no-cents to:
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The Rusty Nail
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92 Derby Crescent
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Chipping Norton NSW
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2170 Australia
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plus an additional 79 dollars for the phone charge of calling a bulletin board
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in America. I'll see what I can do,but no promises.
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Chapter V:Conclusion
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We would love any and all comments on this and the first file. Do not
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write to the above address(send only money.),but you may contact us through:
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1)The Greater Elks Lodge,Local 203
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2)Archy,Inc (the order society...we're polite and neat)
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3)Trance-Channeling. Contact S. MacLaine in Cleopatra mode.
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Disclaimer:We accept no reponsibility for any nasal damage due to putting
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toast in your nostril.
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Thank you!
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X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
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& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
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Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649
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Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
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realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043
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Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102
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Specializing in conversations, obscure information, high explosives,
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arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality,
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insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS.
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Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
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where you live, or what your phone number is. We are not Big Brother.
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"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
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X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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