111 lines
5.1 KiB
Plaintext
111 lines
5.1 KiB
Plaintext
From: Bear's_Class_Account@ub.cc.umich.edu
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Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
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Subject: To Err is Hitler
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Keywords: funny
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Message-ID: <S275.de2@looking.on.ca>
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Date: 8 May 91 23:30:04 GMT
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Lines: 101
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Approved: funny@looking.on.ca
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The following began life as a Top Ten list of "Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler."
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it was passed around during a lecture in a political science class of mine and
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soon grew to over 100 entries. I have culled out the stupid and/or truly
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offensive ones, as well as any that said nasty things about any particular
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nationality (read, the French.) You'll have to excuse the fact that some
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of them are rather obscure, but that's what happens when you get a bunch of
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political scientists in the same room. Without further ado, I give you...
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Top 59 Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler
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1. Land War in Asia
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2. Changed name from highly catchy 'Schickelgruber' to boring 'Hitler'
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3. Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln
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beard to instill trust among subjects
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4. Not buying lifts for his shoes
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5. Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt
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6. Failure to exploit Eva Braun
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7. Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy
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8. Chose Josef Goebels rather than Marlene Dietrich to promote Nazi
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image
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9. Chose "Deutschland Uber Alles" over "Let's All Be There" as party
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slogan
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10. Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones
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11. Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids and
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stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA
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12. Referring to Stalin as "that old Georgian fat back"
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13. Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays
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14. Free beer in munitions plants
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15. Lisp never corrected
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16. Bad toupe
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17. Refused to undergo nostril reduction surgery
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18. Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands
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19. Fell asleep in staff meetings
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20. Chose Italy as ally
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21. Land War in Asia
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22. Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line
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23. Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics
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24. Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked
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remarkably like a bullseye from the air
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25. Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls
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26. Never had fireside mass rallies
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27. Told Einstein he had a stupid name
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28. Used SS instead of LAPD
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29. Admired Napoleon's strategy
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30. Strong fondness for saurkraut and beans made General Staff avoid
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him constantly
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31. In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S. for a
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little country place in Hawaii
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32. Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly with
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war advice
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33. Major theme in speeches -- "liebensraum, or "living room" -- widely
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misperceived as call for domestic architectural reform
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34. Failed to revoke Rudolph Hess's pilot licence.
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35. Pissed off Jesse Owens at 1936 Olympics
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36. Didn't put his brother Billy in the concentration camps. When word
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got out that Billy was just a beer guzzling fat guy in a small town
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in Bavaria who grew peanuts it was bad P.R. for Der Fuhrer
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37. Breast feeding for too long
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38. Passed up Finish "tanks for snowshoes" offer before invasion of
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USSR
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39. Drank to much at Beer Hall Putsch
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40. Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his
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own escape.
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41. Forgot to write "Dear Joey" letter to Stalin before invasion of
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Poland
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42. Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous
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invasion of Soviet Union
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43. Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberline in power
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44. Chose the Tirpitz for that weekend of love with Eva in the Fjords
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45. Frequently mistaken for Charlie Chaplin due to mustache; undermined
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credibility (as when he threatened to invade Poland, everyone waited
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for the punchline)
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46. Came off as poor loser when "Triumph of the Will" failed to win
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Oscar for "best Foreign Documentary" -- "You don't like me" speech
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undermined image.
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47. Used to make prank calls to FDR asking if he had "Prince Albert in
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a can"
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48. Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzche; caused much
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embarrassment when he used to cite philosophical support for his
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concept of the "Oberdude"
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49. Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo attack the U.S. saying,
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"The U.S. only has twenty times your industrial power, what are
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you, a wimp?"
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50. Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary
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51. Spent too much on screwdrivers and toilet seats
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52. Tried to play football with Axis Lucy who pulled the ball away at
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the last second
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53. Failed to encourage tourism
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54. Being born
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55. Never did the honorable thing with Eva Braun
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56. Alienated Chamberline at Munich by sticking an "Invade me" sign on
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his back
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57. Kept Colonel Klink in command
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58. Churchill mistakenly thought "Deutschland Uber Alles" was a veiled
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threat
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59. Used same astrologer as the Reagans
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--
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Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL your jokes (jokes ONLY) to funny@looking.ON.CA
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Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
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Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
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