122 lines
3.8 KiB
Plaintext
122 lines
3.8 KiB
Plaintext
From fieldr@cs.glasgow.ac.uk Sat May 13 09:26:22 1989
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From: fieldr@cs.glasgow.ac.uk (Raymond Field)
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Subject: HELL
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Can anyone please answer this one simple question?
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Why are the only funny bits of the riddles the stupid answers that the
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sender gets when everyone is thouroughly p*ssed off with the riddle?
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I couldn't think of a joke myself, so I stole this one off Rowan Atkinson:
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Hello, nice to see you all again.
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As the more perceptive of you have probably realised by now - this is
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hell, and I am the Devil. Goodevening. You can call me Toby, if you like -
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we try and keep things informal down here, as well as infernal.
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Now, you're all here for eternity, which I hardly need tell you is a sod
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of a long time, so you get to know everyone pretty well by the end, but
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for now I'll have to split you up into groups.
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Are there any questions?
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No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets, if you'd read your bible you would
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have seen that it was damnation without relief. So, I'm afraid if you didn't
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go before you came then you're not going to enjoy yourself very much, but
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then, I believe that's the general idea.
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Right, let's split you up then.
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Can you all hear me?
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CAN YOU HEAR ME AT THE RACK?
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Off we go...
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Murderers, over here. Looters and pillagers - over there please, thieves if you
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could join them, and BANKMANAGERS.
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Fornicators, if you could step forward - My God there are a lot of you.
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Could I split you up into adulterers and the rest? Adulterers if you could
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just form a line in front of that small guillotine there.
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AMERICANS, are you here? I'm sorry about this, apparently God had some
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fracas with your founding fathers and damned the entire race into perpetuity.
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He sends particular condolences to the Mormans who He realises put in a lot
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of work. The Iranians, I'm afraid, couldn't be with us - someone's been
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holding them in purgatory for the last nine months.
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Sodomites, over there against the wall.
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Atheists, over here please. You must be feeling a right bunch of charlies.
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Christians, ah yes, I'm afraid the Jews were right.
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Moonies, maniacs, marmite eaters, male models, masochists, mass murderers and
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masseurs, if you could take a pew at the back - with the Methodists that is.
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Now, you're the lot who used to kill whales, is that right? Ah, yes, I must
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remember - I've got some strips to tear off you bastards later.
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Everyone who saw Monty Pythons' "Life Of Brian", I'm afraid He can't take
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a joke after all.
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Alright now, one final thing - we're trying to implement some sort of exchange
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scheme with the Lord God Almighty, or Cliff as we know him. Some of you
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will spend a decade in heaven and we're having some angels down here. Now,
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I hardly need tell you that you will be expected to behave in an exemplary
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manner, so, I hope you will do the exact opposite - tear off their wings, use
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their holoes for frisbee practice, that sort of thing.
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Well, I have to go now, but Beelzebub here will show you the ropes
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chains,
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and electrodes.
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I'll just leave you with a favourite joke of mine -
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Knock, knock
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Who's there?
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Death.
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Death wh..........
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------------------------------------------------------
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I hope you enjoyed that little joke more than I enjoyed the pathetic riddles
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that have been infecting the network recently
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Ray
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Well I have to go now, but Beelzebub here will show you the ropes
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--
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* Janet | fieldr@uk.ac.glasgow.cs | Don't be paranoid - *
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* USEnet | mcvax!cs.glasgow.ac.uk!fieldr | They REALLY are out *
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* ARPAnet | fieldr@cs.glasgow.ac.uk | to get you *
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* -------------- ....and may your God go with you -------------------- *
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