523 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
523 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
From: waldo@arizona.edu
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Newsgroups: alt.tasteless
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Subject: Gross Poems (The Original Nursery Rhymes)
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Message-ID: <1992Dec26.164644.4168@arizona.edu>
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Date: 26 Dec 92 16:46:44 MST
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Summary: not for the squeamish!
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Distribution: world
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Organization: University of Arizona
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Lines: 249
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WARNING: SOME OF THE CONTENTS OF THIS DOCUMENT ARE IN VERY, VERY BAD TASTE
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AND ARE TO BE CONSIDERED POLITICALLY INCORRECT. READ ON AT YOUR OWN RISK.
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WARNING #2: I REALLY MEAN IT! IF YOU'RE EASILY OFFENDED, DON'T READ IT!
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WARNING #3: OK, YOU ASKED FOR IT...
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[Note from Internet Wiretap: These are quite tame.
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These people know nothing of rudeness.]
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--------------------------------------------------------------------------
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The Original Nursery Rhymes
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By The Authors of The Politically Correct Manifesto
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Prof. Rens Zibigniew X.
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Dr. Saul Jerushalmy, Phd.
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INTRODUCTION
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Ever since I was a wee tyke, I've been fascinated by our
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culture's so-called nursery rhymes. Where did these strange,
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familiar and adorable little poems come from? Have they always
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been an integral part of the Western childhood experience? Our
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research (partially funded through a generous National Endowment
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for the Arts grant) has revealed some startling answers to these
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fundamental questions. In the course of our explorations through the
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ancient, dusty libraries of Europe, we discovered that nursery
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rhymes actually started out as ribald drinking songs. Over the
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centuries, henpecked husbands reluctantly altered these "songs" for
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their children, at the request of their wives, who invariably felt the
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original songs were a little to much for innocent ears. (An example:
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"Mother Goose" was originally an action, not a person.) Thus, with
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appropriate warning given, we here present to you some of our
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favorite nursery rhymes in their original form.
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Eeny Meeny Miney Moe,
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Catch a tiger by his toe.
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When he eats you,
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Then you'll know,
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That you're stupid and you're slow.
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Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater,
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Beat his wife and wouldn't feed her.
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Put her in a pumpkin shell,
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And when he died he went to hell.
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Mary had an extra limb,
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Its fleece was white as snow.
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And everywhere that Mary went,
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People thought it was a lamb.
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Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
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I pushed him down
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And watched him fall.
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All the King's horses,
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And all the King's men,
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Rode by and slipped
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on his albumen.
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Jack and Gil went up the hill
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To take a poke at Walter.
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Jack went down
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on Walter's Crown
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and Gill came too,
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Soon after.
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Jack be nimble,
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Jack be quick.
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Jack butchered his family
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And moved to Canada.
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Simple Simon
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Broke my hymen
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Going to the Fair.
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I said, "Simon,"
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"That's my pie, man!"
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"I ain't got a slice to spare!"
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Little Jack Horner
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Sat in a corner,
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A knife in his sister's thigh.
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He said to the coroner,
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"Though I am a mourner,"
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"If you're not to eat her,"
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"May I?"
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Wee Willy Winkle
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Ran through the night.
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But I finally caught him
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And did him right.
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He screamed and squirmed
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And put up a fight.
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I soon found out why,
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'Cause boy, was he tight!
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Little Miss Muffet
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Sat on her tuffet,
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Her legs wide open and splayed.
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When down came a spider,
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Who crawled up inside her
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And tickled miss Muffet all day.
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There was an old lady,
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Who lived in my shoe.
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When I put it on
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She turned into goo.
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Hickory, Dickory, Dock.
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Rammed a mouse on to my cock.
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Without a sound
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I turned it around,
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And watched it go into shock.
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Jack Sprat
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Ate a cat.
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He shat a rat.
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And that was that.
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Old Mother Hubbard
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Was found in her cupboard,
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Her flesh eaten
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Through to the bone.
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When they discovered
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Old Father Hubbard
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'Said, "Bitch wouldn't"
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"Leave me alone."
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Hey Diddle Diddle,
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My penis is little
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and shriveled
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and shrunk like a prune.
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But if you will squeeze it
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And tease it, and please it,
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It'll blow up just like
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A balloon.
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Georgie Porgie,
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Glasses and Cups,
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Kissed the Girls and
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Knocked them up,
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When their parents
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found out what they did
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They got out a coathanger
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and tore out the kid.
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The Queen of Hearts
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She made some Tarts
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with refried beans one day
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I ate the tarts
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and got the Farts
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The Queen, she moved away.
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Rock-A-Bye Baby
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On the tree top,
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I threw a rock,
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and the cradle dropped,
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The little head broke,
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and all I could see,
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was a new meaning,
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to the word "infant-tree"
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Rub A Dub-Dub
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Three men in a tub,
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and what do you think they be?
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The Butch, and the 'bucker,
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The Candlestick Fucker,
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Turns out they're faggots- all three.
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Larry Larry Quite the Fairy
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What makes your penis grow?
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whatever sells, like cocks and smells,
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and little boys all in a row.
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Twinkle Twinkle little knife,
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Adept you are at taking life,
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I love the glitter as you slash,
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people who are carrying cash.
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Old King Cole had a ten foot Pole,
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and his ten foot Pole had me,
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Although he was tall,
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We still had a ball,
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and he went back to Warsaw for free.
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A diller, A dollar,
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A ten o'clock scholar,
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What makes you come so soon?
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You used to come at ten o'clock,
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And now you come at noon.
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(this nursery rhyme has remained unchanged through the years)
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Four and Twenty Blackbirds
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Baked in a pie
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pull out their feathers
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and watch them die.
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It is such sport to hear them scream
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I reach in my pants
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and begin to cream.
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There were two fratboys
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Sitting on a hill,
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The one named Jack
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The other named Bill.
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Drink all day, Jack,
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Drink all day, Bill.
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Fall down Jack,
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Fall down, Bill.
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AND FINALLY, A RECENTLY UNCOVERED EPIC FABLE FROM SCOTLAND
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There once was a man named McDowell,
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Whose dog had very tight bowels,
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He freed it a bit,
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with his tongue and some spit,
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And he needed to use lots of towels.
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The mutt was soon shitting a crateful.
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When the pastor came by, he was hateful.
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"This is truly a sin
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But I have to give in,
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If you loosen me up- I'd be grateful."
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The pastor said, "I have not shat."
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McDowell said, "We'll see to that."
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Though he thought he might fail,
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He saw a pink tail,
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And out popped a yellow-eyed rat!
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"Alas," said the rat, "I am torn,
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from the place in which I was born.
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I am out on the street,
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with nothing to eat.
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Away from my peanuts and corn."
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"Mr. Rat your fortune is made,"
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said the pastor who knelt down and prayed.
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The Lord heard his words,
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And filled him with turds,
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So he bent himself over and sprayed.
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The rat dug into his pile,
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The dog left after awhile.
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The Pastor, he squealed,
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when McDowell kneeled,
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but his "blessing" sure left a big smile!
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<End of disgusting poetry>
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