230 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
230 lines
12 KiB
Plaintext
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ÕÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ͸
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³ NOTE: ³
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³ All farts are divided into two groups: ³
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³ 1. Your Farts ³
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³ 2. Somebody Else's Farts ³
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ÔÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ;
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THE ANTICIPATED FART: This one warns that it is back there waiting for some
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time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd
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and who later farts at a time when they think no one will notice has
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farted an Anticipated Fart.
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THE BACK SEAT FART: This is a fart that occurs only in automobiles. It is
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identified chiefly by odor. The Back Seat Fart can usually be concealed
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by traffic noise as it is an eased-out fart and not very loud. But its
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odor is foul and will give it away due to the way air moves around in
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a car. Then someone will say, "Who farted in the back seat?".
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THE BARRED OWL FART: A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying
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this fart. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can
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hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh,
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particularly the way it ends. If you hear a fart that has about eight
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notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal,
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you have heard the rare Barred Owl Fart.
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THE BULLET FART: Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic
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is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The farter can be said to
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have snapped it off. It can startle spectators and farter alike.
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Fairly common following the eating of the more common fart foods, such
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as beans.
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THE COMMAND FART: This fart differs from the Anticipated Fart in that it
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can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment.
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Unlike the Anticipated Fart, it is intended to be noticed. Harold
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Tabor recently held a Command Fart for the whole period in history
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class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there
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were any questions.
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THE COMMON FART: This fart needs little description. It is to the world
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of farts what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see
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no point in describing this fart any further.
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THE CUSHIONED FART: A concealed fart, sometimes successful. The farter
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is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and
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push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed
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chair and ease out a fart very carefully without moving then or for some
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time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Common with
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some people.
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THE DUD FART: The Dud Fart is not really a fart at all. It's a fart that
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fails. For this reason it is stricly a group one identification fart,
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because there is no real way you can identify a fart that somebody else
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expected to fart but didn't. It is the most private of all farts. In
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most cases the farter usually feels a little disappointed.
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THE ECHO FART: This is a fart that can be wrongly identified. It is not
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some great loud fart in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon.
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The true Echo Fart is a fart that makes its own echo. It is a
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two-toned fart, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second
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tone. Like an echo.
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THE G AND L FART: This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of farts,
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known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not
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already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. One of the most
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embarrassing of all farts, even when you are alone.
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THE GHOST FART: A doubtful fart in most cases, as it is supposed to be
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identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house.
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You enter and smell a fart, yet no one is there. People will insist
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that only a fart could have that odor, but some believe it is just
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something that happens to smell like a fart.
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THE HIC-HACHOO-FART FART: This is strictly an old lady's fart. What
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happens is that the person manages to hiccup, sneeze, and fart all at
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the same time. After an old lady farts a Hic-Hachoo-Fart Fart she will
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usually pat her chest and say, "My, my", or "Well, well". There is no
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reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old
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person's fart as there is.
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THE JERK FART: The Jerk Fart is a fart by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins,
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and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted,
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off-key, fading away, sort of whistle fart, altogether pitiful, but the
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jerk will act as if he has just farted the Biggest Fart in the World Fart.
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THE JOHN FART: The John Fart is simply any ordinary fart farted on the john.
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It is naturally a group one identification, with the sound, whatever it
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was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the person's trip to the john
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amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.
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THE LEAD FART: The heaviest of all farts. It sounds like a dropped ripe
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watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only fart that
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goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be
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missed altogether as a fart. "What was that?", you might think. And
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never guess.
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THE MALTED MILK BALL FART: Odor alone is diagnostic and positively
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identifies this fart. It smells exactly like malted milk balls.
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No other food works this way. It is rare.
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THE OH MY GOD FART: This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all
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farts. A fart that smells like a month-old rotten egg. Your natural
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reaction is to say, "Oh my god!". If you should ever encounter it,
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however, you may first want to say, oh shit, which would be understandable.
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THE OMEN FART: This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Fart. About the
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only difference is that the farter will not say anything. He will just
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look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if
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you pay attention.
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THE ORGANIC FART: Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Fart. The person
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who farts an Organic Fart may be talking about the healthy food he eats
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even when he farts. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask
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if you noticed how good and pure and healthy his fart smells. It may
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smell to you like any other fart, but there is no harm in agreeing with
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him. He is doing what he thinks is best.
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THE QUIVER FART: A group one identification fart only. When you fart, it
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quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Fart. If you have to
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scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Fart.
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THE RAMBLING PHADUKA FART: You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding
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name, as this is one of the most frightening of all farts. It is
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frightening to farter and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it.
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What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the
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longest-lasting fart there is. It will sometimes leave the farter unable
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to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong,
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loud, wavering fart, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds.
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THE RELIEF FART: Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is
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the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally farted. Some people
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will-even say, "Wow, what a relief!". Very common.
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THE RELUCTANT FART: This is probably one of the oldest farts known to man.
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The Reluctant Fart is a fart that seems to have a mind of its own. It
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gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come
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when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances.
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THE RUSTY GATE FART: The sound of this fart seems almost impossible for a
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fart. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a fart can make. The Rusty
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Gate Fart sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been
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oiled. It sounds like a fart that hurts.
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THE S.B.D. FART: S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt
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one of the most common farts that exists. No problem of identification
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with this one.
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THE SANDPAPER FART: This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to
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much. You should remember that if you reach back and scratch, it
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automatically becomes a Scratchass Fart. Common.
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THE SKILL-SAW FART: A truly awesome fart. It vibrates the farter. Really
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shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skill-saw
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ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too
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common.
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THE SONIC BOOM FART: The people who believe in this fart claim it is even
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bigger than the Biggest Fart In The World Fart. The Sonic Boom Fart is
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supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous.
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No fart in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A fart that
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could do that would put the farter into orbit or blow his crazy head off.
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THE STUTTER FART: If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny
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fart. It is a fart that can't seem to get going. The sound is best
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described as "pt,pt,pt-pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW!" It is usually a
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forced-out fart that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets
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farted after considerable effort.
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THE SPLATTER FART: Unfortunately the Splatter Fart exists. It is the
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wettest of all farts. It probably should not be called a fart at all.
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THE TACO BELL FART: The Taco Bell Fart is far richer and full-bodied than
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your ordinary Junk Fart and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours,
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or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after,
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too, even on a windy day.
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THE TEFLON FART: Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very
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good fart in situations where you would rather not fart at all. You can
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be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right
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he will never know.
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THE THANK GOD I'M ALONE FART: Everyone knows this rotten fart. You look
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around after you have farted and say "Thank God I'm alone!". Then you
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get out of there.
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THE TICKLE FART: A group one only and one of the easiest to identify.
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Usually a slow soft sort of fart. If you like being tickled this is the
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fart for you.
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THE UNDERWEAR RIPPER FART: Sound alone is diagnostic with this fart. It
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will usually happen when the person is sitting down. It is one of the
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longer farts. It will sound so much like a piece of cloth being ripped
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that it can fool a person sitting in the next room. Naturally it will
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not fool the farter. He will know he has not ripped his underwear.
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But right then he may not be too sure about anything else.
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THE UP-TIGHT FART: This is a kind of drawn-out Stutter Fart except that
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this one squeaks. When he knows he has to fart, like it or not, he gets
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even more up-tight. He may snap his sphincter shut like a steel trap,
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but out comes the fart. "Squeak, squeak, squeak." It is embarrassing
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for everyone.
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THE VENTRILOQUIST FART: This is something that just happens. It is
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doubtful if anyone can learn to throw his farts. But sometimes, if
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all the conditions are right, it will happen. And the person sitting
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next to the farter will look surprised and embarrassed and the farter
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will look suprised and pleased.This will have been a Ventriloquist Fart.
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It is an extremely hard one to identify unless you are the farter.
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THE WHO CUT THE CHEEZE FART: An easy identification with this one.
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Somone has got to say, "Who cut the cheeze?" when the fart is first
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noticed or it cannot be called a Who Cut The Cheeze Fart. It may or
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may not have an odor like strong cheese, but it will have an odor.
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THE YODEL FART: The Yodel Fart sounds like a fart whose voice is changing,
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like a yodel. It can be either a Swiss mountain yodeler type of yodel
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or an American cowboy singer type of yodel.
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THE YO-YO FART: This is a spectacular fart. A real dilly. Sound alone
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identifies it. It makes the Octave Fart sound like a hiccup. It starts
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out on the highest fart note possible and goes all the way down to
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the lowest fart note possible. And then, to the amazement of everyone,
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it comes all the way back up again. Extremely rare.
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ÕÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ͸
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³ E O F (that's "End of Farts" of course) ³
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ÔÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍÍ;
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-®<*> áçîÑÑ <*>¯-
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