85 lines
3.5 KiB
Plaintext
85 lines
3.5 KiB
Plaintext
First Aid Hints
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
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FIRST AID FOR NON-MEDICALLY MINDED PERSONS
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Electrocution
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Is he/she still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF THE
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POWER IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it
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would be going to waste.
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Check the victims pulse, (if you can find their wrist amongst the stack
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of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human
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being). And do try not to be squeamish about it.
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Drive the victim to the nearest casualty ward. You can use him/her to
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jumpstart the engine as well if need be.
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Treating burns and scalds
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Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible. (N.B. If
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the victims entire body is a swirling mass of flames it may a little
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too late for this).
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If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his/her clothes, then REMOVE
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CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You can never tell, the sight of you parading
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around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injury.
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Remind the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as
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an example.
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Fractures and broken limbs
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Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in
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a tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the
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bloody mass of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are
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going to die. That always puts the wind up them.
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Tie a splint to the victims leg and ask them to walk up and down for
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a few minutes. They will probably fall down unconscious, making the
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rest of your job easier.
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Do not move the broken or fractured limb as this may result in an
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abnormal position. However, if you're feeling daring, try pointing
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legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists through 180 degrees, etc.
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It really is amazing the number of fascinating contortions you can
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produce. Far better than Play-Doh.
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Choking On Food
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Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching
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them hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of
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food hit you in the eye, however.
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Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on the bill.
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Make a mental note to order soup next time.
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Cuts And Wounds
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Dress the wound, whatever that means.
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Try and limit the blood loss by tying a tourniquet tightly around the
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victims throat unit they experience difficulty in breathing.
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Ha ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above the wound. Just my
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little joke.
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Stitch up the wound with aluminium wire.
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Ha ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know.
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Objects Stuck In The Eye
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Rinse the victims eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT.
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Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth. This
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usually results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not bothering
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the victim any more before you can get to it.
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Concussion
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When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who the Prime
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Minister is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more
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difficult, hold the fingers up behind your back. Then tot up the
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victims score and send it to me at this address:- Dr. Brain D'Eath,
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Concussion Quiz, P.O.Box 312, London, the highest score wins a
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mystery prize.
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Talk in Swahili to disorientate the victim a bit more. Yes, there's a
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whole bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion.
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Here's a good one: before the victim comes round, switch of all the
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lights. When he/she regains consciousness, shout "Thank God! We thought
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you might be dead, or blinded or something.
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Seb
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