98 lines
4.5 KiB
INI
98 lines
4.5 KiB
INI
I have a little "first aid tips" card. You pull the tab down till
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the indicator points to an ailment, and the little window displays
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symptoms and treatment. My roommate Tom Matches got hold of it and
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modified the treatments somewhat. (The symptoms are what the card
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actually says):
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APPENDICITIS Pain in right lower abdomen. Who cares? It's a
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Nausea, possible vomiting vestigial organ anyway.
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and fever. Give him an aspirin.
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BURNS and Redness, mild swelling, and Peel away dead skin. Rub
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SCALDS pain. Blisters may develop. vigorously to encourage
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good circulation.
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CONVULSION Strong, jerking movements; Sit on victim. Laugh at
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stiff body. Difficulty him until he gets
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breathing. Bluish face. embarrassed and stops.
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Eyes rolled back, gritting
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of teeth, frothy mouth.
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CROUP Noisy, difficult breathing. Stuff a sock in victim's
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Hoarse, barking cough. mouth.
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CUTS and Cuts bleed and hurt. Call victim a sissy and
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BRUISES Bruises get red, swollen, and send him back out to
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and hurt. play.
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DOG BITE Redness, swelling and Scold victim. Shoot dog.
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bleeding if skin is broken.
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Fear of the dog.
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DROWNING Unconscious, pale or blue Talk about what a great
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skin. guy he was.
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EARACHE Pain. Possible dizziness Listen to one hour of
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or discharge from ear. Motley Crue. THEN you'll
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Possible fever. know what an earache is.
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FAINTING Pale, clammy skin, Before victim revives, take
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dizziness, shallow his wallet and clothes and
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breathing, sweating and put him on a bus to Toledo.
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temporary unconsciousness.
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FEVER Body temperature over Administer 4 oz. of 'Old
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98.6 degrees F (37 C). Jayhawk' [cheap whiskey]
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Hot forehead. every 2 hours.
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FROSTBITE Skin flushed, then changing Submerge in boiling water.
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to white or greyish yellow.
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Blister may appear. Cold
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and numb. Pain.
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HEAT High temperature. Pale and Lock up victim in walk-in
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EXHAUSTION clammy skin, or hot and freezer for 1-2 hours.
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flushed skin. Headache and
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weakness. Possible nausea.
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INSECT BITES Pain and redness at the Capture insect and mash to
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and STINGS site of the sting or bite. paste. Dissolve in one
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Possible allergic reactions cup of milk and have victim
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such as shock or difficulty drink.
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breathing.
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NOSEBLEED Profuse bleeding from the Apply tourniquet to
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nose. victim's neck.
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POISONING Symptoms vary. Throat or Give 1 tbsp lye in ammonia
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stomach pains. Mouth burns. solution to flush system.
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Vomiting. Drowsiness.
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SHOCK Victim pale and weak. Grasp victim firmly by the
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Clammy skin, perspiration on shoulders and shake,
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upper lip and forehead. shouting, "Snap out of it!"
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Pulse rate and breathing
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rate are increased.
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STROKE Unconscious. Heavy Kiss patient goodbye.
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breathing. Apparent It's all over.
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weakness in face or limbs on
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one side of body. Inability
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to speak.
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SUNBURN Redness, mild swelling, and Remove reddened skin with
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pain. Possible blisters. sandpaper. Soak affected
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area in alcohol.
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SWALLOWING Dangerous when in air Shout, "Hey, dumbshit,
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FOREIGN passages. Voilent coughing spit that out! Whatsa
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BODIES and choking. Bluish facial matter with you!"
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discoloration. Breathing
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may stop.
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TOOTHACHE Pain. Tooth is sensitive Alternate administration of
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to hot and cold food and hot coffee and ice cream.
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fluids.
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