136 lines
5.3 KiB
Plaintext
136 lines
5.3 KiB
Plaintext
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AT&T Customer Service Memorandum
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Please stop submitting compliants. This is our system. We
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designed it, we built it, and we use it more than you do. If
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there are some features you think might be missing, if the system
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isn't as effective as you think it could be, TOUGH! Give it
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back, we don't need you. See figure 1.
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*-------------------------------*
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| .-.| |.-. |
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*-------------------------------*
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Figure 1.
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Forget about your silly problem, let's take a look at some
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of the features of your AT&T computer system.
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* Options
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We've got lots of them. So many in fact, that you would need two
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strong people to carry around the documentation if we had
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bothered to write it. So many that even we don't know what most
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of them do. Don't ask us for any of these options, because we
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probably can't find the PEC for it anyway. Even if we find the
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PEC, we probably can't order it either (just TRY asking for nroff
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on a 3B2). If you don't like it, call Technologies. They'll
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tell you to see Figure 1.
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* Hot Lines
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If you need technical help, call our hotline. You say that the
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guy at the other end doesn't know any more than you do? Too bad.
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If we could afford to pay qualified people to answer the phones,
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we'd be paying them to make our computers work in the first
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place. Besides, you don't ever need to do anything sophisticated
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anyway. If you do, see Figure 1.
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* Integrated Voice and Data
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What the hell is integrated voice and data? All it means is that
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you can talk on the phone while you are typing on your terminal.
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So what if the terminal and the phone aren't integrated; that's
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not what we advertise. Besides, you probably can't even walk and
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chew gum at the same time, much less talk and type. If you can,
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see Figure 1.
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* Unix
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We invented it; it's perfect, and we're the only ones who do it
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right. We're so happy with it, we put it on every kind of
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computer we make. We even try to keep it the same from release
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to release, but usually we blow it. If you want a computer with
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stable filesystems, get a VAX. Another thing: those nerds from
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Berkeley are just troublemaking hackers who have a productivity
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complex. They took our operating system and made it useful, so
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we told them to see Figure 1.
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* Applications Software
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We give you MS-word; what else do you want? So what if it is a
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clumsy port from another operating system, it works doesn't it?
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Well, OK, it sort of works. If you want applications software,
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get an IBM PC. You can get lots of it and they even support it
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sometimes. If you already bought one of our computers, you are
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stuck with it. We spoke with our applications software people
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about this, and they think a lot like we do; they said "see
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Figure 1."
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* Shells
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We have two shells; one we sell and one we use. The Bourne shell
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is plenty good for trivial little hacks, which is all you do
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anyway. Don't ask for the Korn shell either. It's great,
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everybody at AT&T has a copy, but we won't give it to you.
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Besides, if you want to do anything important, write it in C. We
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told our shell programmers to see Figure 1 a long time ago.
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* The C Programming Language
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We like it so much we named a book after it. You can do anything
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our machines can do, which is not very much. Where else can you
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put so much unreadable code in such a small space? Besides, you
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probably should be programming in the shell anyway; C is too hard
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for you. We told our C programmers to see Figure 1 a long time
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ago anyway.
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* Floating Point Hardware
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We have the WE32106 Math Accelerator Unit, one of the fastest
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chips around. It's so special that you need a special compiler
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to use it. Nobody knows how to get you a copy of the compiler?
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That's right. We don't release it because we are writing another
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one. When it's ready, we might give it to you, but probably not.
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In the meantime, you have to stick with the interpreter, live
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with the slowness, and see Figure 1.
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* Support
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We have thousands of service people out there, but most of them
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are busy. If your computer breaks, you will just have to wait.
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Our techs are rehashed phone installers, so don't expect them to
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be very helpful unless it involves tip and ring. Oh, if something
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breaks between 5:00 PM and 9:00 the next morning, don't waste
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your time calling us, we're out. We also take lots of lunch
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breaks. If you need real support, see Figure 1.
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In conclusion, stuff your complaint. Love your AT&T
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computer or leave it, but don't bitch to us. We don't give a
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shit. We don't have to. We're the phone company. If it isn't
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as effective as you think it could be, TOUGH! Give it
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back, we don't need you. See figure 1.
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