122 lines
5.6 KiB
Standard ML
122 lines
5.6 KiB
Standard ML
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PACHYDERMIC PERSONNEL PREDICTION
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by Peter C. Olsen
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A bold new proposal for matching
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high-technology people and professions
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Over the years, the problem of finding the right person for the
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right job has consumed thousands of worker-years of research and
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millions of dollars in funding. This is particularly true for
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high-technology organizations where talent is scarce and
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expensive. Recently, however, years of detailed study by the
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finest minds in the field of psychoindustrial interpersonnel
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optimization have resulted in the development of a simple and
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foolproof test to determine the best match between personality
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and profession. Now, at last, people can be infallibly assigned
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to the jobs for which they are truly best suited.
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The procedure is simple: Each subject is sent to Africa to hunt
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elephants. The subsequent elephant-hunting behavior is then
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categorized by comparison to the classification rules outlined
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below. The subject should be assigned to the general job
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classification that best matches the observed behavior.
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CLASSIFICATION GUIDLINES
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Mathematicians hunt elephants by going to Africa, throwing out
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everything that is not an elephant, and catching one of whatever
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is left. Experienced mathematicians will attempt to prove the
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existence of at least one unique elephant before proceeding to
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step 1 as a subordinate excercise. Professors of mathematics
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will prove the existence of at least one unique elephant and then
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leave the detection and capture of an actual elephant as an
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excercise for their graduate students.
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Computer scientists hunt elephants by excercising Algorithm A:
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1. Go to Africa.
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2. Start at the Cape of Good Hope.
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3. Work northward in an orderly manner, traversing the continent
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alternately east and west.
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4. During each traverse pass,
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a. Catch each animl seen.
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b. Compare each animal caught to a known elephant.
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c. Stop when a match is detected.
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Experienced computer programmers modify Algorithm A by placing a
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known elephant in Cairo to ensure that the algorithm will
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terminate. Assembly language programmers prefer to execute
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Algorithm A on their hands and knees.
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Engineers hunt elephants by going to Africa, catching gray
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animals at random, and stopping when any one of them weighs
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within plus or minus 15 percent of any previously observed
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elephant.
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Economists don't hunt elephants, but they believe that if
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elephants are paid enough, they will hunt themselves.
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Statisticians hunt the first animal they see N times and call it
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an elephant.
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Consultants don't hunt elephants, and many have never hunted
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anything at all, but they can be hired by the hour to advise
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those people who do. Operations research consultants can also
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measure the correlation of hat size and bullet color to the
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efficiency of elephant-hunting strategies, if someone else will
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only identify the elephants.
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Politicians don't hunt elephants, but they will share the
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elephants you catch with the people who voted for them.
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Lawyers don't hunt elephants, but they do follow the herds around
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arguing about who owns the droppings. Software lawyers will
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claim that they own an entire herd based on the look and feel of
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one dropping.
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Vice presidents of engineering, research, and development try
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hard to hunt elephants, but their staffs are designed to prevent
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it. When the vice president does get to hunt elephants, the
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staff will try to ensure that all possible elephants are
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completely prehunted before the vice president sees them. If the
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vice president does see a nonprehunted elephant, the staff will
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(1) compliment the vice president's keen eyesight and (2) enlarge
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itself to prevent any recurrence.
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Senior managers set broad elephant-hunting policy based on the
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assumption that elephants are just like field mice, but with
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deeper voices.
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Quality assurance inspectors ignore the elephants and look for
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mistakes the other hunters made when they were packing the jeep.
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Salespeople don't hunt elephants but spend their time selling
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elephants they haven't caught, for delivery two days before the
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season opens. Software salespeople ship the first thing they
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catch and write up an invoice for an elephant. Hardware
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salespeople catch rabbits, paint them gray, and sell them as
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desktop elephants.
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VALIDATION
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A validation survey was conducted about these rules. Almost all
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the people surveyed about these rules were valid. A few were
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invalid, but they expected to recover soon. Based on the survey,
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a statistical confidence level was determined. Ninety-five
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percent of the people surveyed have at least 67 percent
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confidence in statistics.
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ACKNOWLEDGMENT
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This study has benefited from the suggestions and observations of
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many people, all of whom would prefer not to be mentioned by
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name.
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--
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Edited by Brad Templeton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to funny@looking.ON.CA
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Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing.
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Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
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