89 lines
3.7 KiB
Plaintext
89 lines
3.7 KiB
Plaintext
From werner Wed Jul 13 14:06:34 1988
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Flags: 000000000001
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From: ray@basser.oz.au (Raymond Lister)
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Subject: doublespeak, Orwell_is_here!
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Keywords: true, chuckle
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Date: 16 Sep 88 03:30:03 GMT
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Organization: Dept. of Comp. Science, Uni of Sydney, Australia
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[ extracted from NL-KR Digest, (8/19/88 21:23:10), Volume 5 Number 10,
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distributed in comp.ai.nlang-know-rep: - ray]
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>From: Clay M Bond <bondc@iuvax.cs.indiana.edu>
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Some excerpts from the _Quarterly Review of Doublespeak_ (NCTE) which you all
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should find amusing:
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A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
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recorded the following on the patient's chart: "Patient failed to fulfill
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his wellness potential."
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Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the *American Journal
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of Family Practice* fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."
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The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that
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rocket boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds "have an explosive force
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upon surface impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted overpressure
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threshhold of physiological damage for exposed personnel." In other words,
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if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls on someone, he or she is not likely
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to survive.
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A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
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personnel devices." You probably call them bombs.
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At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
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mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status." That is, they were fired.
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A personal ad from an unidentified mewspaper announces that a "for-
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merly single man" seeks a single or married woman.
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After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
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of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call it)
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only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling
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of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
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unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice
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touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
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experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
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pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
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sent him.
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The description on the package of Stouffer's Veal Tortellini with
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Tomato Sauce says it contains "exquisite egg pasta." The list of ingredients,
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however, includes "cooked noodle product."
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In St. Louis there is an oriental rug store that advertizes "semi-
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antique" rugs.
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The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
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students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school gradu-
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ation.
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Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
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recognition of the sanctity of human life."
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According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
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1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm." Their
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"farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year. But as a "family
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farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a year.
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Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
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Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers." You
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probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a government agency.
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It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore. Now it's "chrono-
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logically experienced citizens."
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According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was
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just a case of "uncontained blade liberation."
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You all have a nice weekend, ya hear?
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Clay Bond Indiana University Department of Linguistics
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--
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Remember: Don't send to me and rec.humor at the same time. Try to wait.
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