234 lines
6.9 KiB
Plaintext
234 lines
6.9 KiB
Plaintext
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You know its time to go on the wagon when:
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You say to your wife, 'honey if you can carry me to the car,
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I'll drive'
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You are on top of the empire state building and you try to step
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on an ant and its really a brown Volvo on 34th street
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You're so high your hair starts to hurt
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You'd like to take an aspirin but cant find your mouth
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You'd like to make yourself a hot chocolate but cant stand the
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thunderous plop of the marshmallow
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You stand fumbling desperately with your house keys trying to
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open the door and cry out 'somebody stole my keyhole!'
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You can chin yourself on your breath
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You try to scratch something off your back and discover its the
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floor
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You pass the public library and toss sticks for the lions to
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fetch
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The person sitting next to you in the bar begs you for a lock
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of your breath
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You try to phone a friend by dialing your wife's birth control
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pill case
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You see a pink elephant and he knows you by your first name
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All your strength seems to be concentrated in your breath
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You sit down and miss the chair
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You breath on your plastic collar stays and they melt
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The more you loosen up the tighter you get
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Your girlfriend gives you freeway directions home by pointing
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to the veins in your eyes
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You drag your wife away from a swinging party at 2:00 in the
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morning and the party is at your house
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You've just made it up the stairs to your apartment and some
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idiot steps on your fingers.... and its you
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You get up in the middle of the night, look back at the empty
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bed and call the police to say 'I've been kidnaped'
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You walk your dog around the block and you've really spent 15
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minutes in a revolving door
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You've had one too many and you can't remember which one was
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the too many
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Your wife won't let you in the front door until you've wiped
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your knees
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Your head feels tighter than a can of rolled anchovies
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You insist on playing the piano in the bar the next time it
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comes around
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You can tell the guy at the bar next to you,'you better not
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have another drink.. your face is getting blurry.'
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You feel your way around a lamp post and mutter' its no use,
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they got me walled in'
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You turn on your ignition with a cigarette because you smoked
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your car keys
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You wake up in the morning with both feet in the same leg of
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the pajamas
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You announce' I'm buying one for the house' an your at the Rose
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Bowl on New Years Day
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You drop the pennies into the sewer grate and keep looking up
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at the city hall clock to see how muck you weigh
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You trade in the 16th olive on a 17th martini
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You can hold your key all right but your apartment house door
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keeps going up and down
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You swallow a shot glass without burping
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You ran out of money and cant remember the correct way to spell
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I.O.U.
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You get home and a lady in a negligee greets you at the door
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and says 'come to bed' and you say ' i may as well. my wife will give me hell
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anyway'
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The bubbles from an alka seltzer give you a migraine
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Everyone around you seems to be talking to you with capital
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letters
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Your doing 75 mph on the freeway and the CHP officer points out
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you forgot your car
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You cant walk across an oriental rug without tripping on the
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flowers
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You come home and your wife is wearing a flannel nightgown and
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you don't know the difference
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Your staying at a dude ranch and they have to wheel yourself on
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your spurs
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You spill a bottle of vodka on the floor and wake up the next
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morning with splinters on your tongue
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You're more polluted than the air you breathe
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You're at a baseball game and reach the bottom of the fifth
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before the teams do
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You accuse the bartender of cutting the water
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Your wife wants you to promise you'll give up drinking...and
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you agree
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Your head feels like a jar of peach pits.
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You look out at the ocean and say 'now that's what i call a
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chaser'
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A cop asks you for your license and you try to pull it out of
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your back pocket and wind up handing him your underwear label
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You're carrying home a manhole cover home and you say to
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yourself ' he sure put a lot of toppings on this pizza'
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The doctor tells you he found a little blood in your alcohol
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stream
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You try to shave with your toothbrush
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Your afraid to open your eyelids because your afraid of the
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fireworks
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You go to a massage parlor and insist on a massage
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Your mouth tastes like a mailman's sock
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You find yourself practicing trombone in a phone booth
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You stand in front of your neighbors cat making bird calls
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The doctor tells you your suffering from an impacted shot glass
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You get your license revoked for drunk drinking
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You complain to the bartender that the martini is fuzzy and the
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girl next to you is wearing a veil
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You call the police at 3:00 in the morning to stop the lady
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upstairs from making noise because she bit into a potato chip
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You put pennies into a parking meter and complain that no
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peanuts came out
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You look around and find things are missing like your teeth
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The police arrest you for singing Xmas carols--on the 4th of
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July
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You practice hitting a golfball in a tile bathroom
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You call the police and tell them somebody stole your steering
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wheel from your car and discover you sitting in the back seat
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After the 6th margarita you wake up with a ring of salt around
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your nose
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You get your tongue caught in a pretzel
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You ask the waiter,'whats the correct win with booze?'
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You answer the telephone and you feel your ear is unlisted
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You want to climb up the side of the empire state building and
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hold memorial services for king kong
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You get into bed, open a book and turns out to be you attache
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case
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You think the olive in your martini is sticking its pimento at
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you
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You try to donate a fifth of blood and the red cross and they
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wont give it to anyone under twenty one
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You try to spell Mississippi and don't know when to stop
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sississipping
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You look at the leaning tower of pisa and say 'I don't see
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whats wrong with it'
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You grab the air bag in your car and say 'your place or mine?'
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You stop to peep into a window to watch a lady undress and you
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realize its your own wife
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You cant lie on the floor without holding on
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