119 lines
6.2 KiB
Plaintext
119 lines
6.2 KiB
Plaintext
3
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Type P to Pause, S to Stop listing
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Macho Driving in Massachusetts
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Those of you who have been driving in Massachusetts all your
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lives are familiar with many of the so-called macho driving
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techniques. Drivers from out of state, new to the macho driving
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scene, are probably curious as to what these people are up to.
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So here are some tips for macho driving in Massachusetts:
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1. You should drive a pickup truck whether you need one or not. It
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should be extremely large with lots of blinding yellow fog
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lights. If it doesn't have them already, purchase used tires
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from MX missile transport trucks (roughly six feet in diameter)
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and raise the suspension to allow clearance over the wimps that
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drive cars. If you must drive a car, make sure that it couldn't
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possibly pass inspection.
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2. Practice your best scowl. Remember that this is the only
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expression you are permitted to show once behind the wheel. So
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make it as ugly as possible.
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3. Do NOT be intimidated by the weather. It should never affect
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your macho driving style. Under no circumstances should you use
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windshield wipers. The are for appearance only. If snow has
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blanketed your vehicle, clear a peep-hole just large enough to
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see what's in front of you. You are not permitted to leave your
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vehicle to do this, however! If you can't reach around to the
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windshield while you are driving, then put on your defroster and
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windshield wipers full blast until you can just see the road.
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4. Darkness intimidates wimps! Only use your headlights when its
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pitch dark and you see the police. Of course, if you do have
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those blinding yellow fog lights, you may use them whenever you
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see fit. It is also considered macho if only one front headlight
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works.
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5. Always drive with your right hand on the wheel and your entire
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left arm hanging loosely out the window like a slab of meat.
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6. Any loose objects in the vehicle may be thrown out of the window
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without hesitation (especially macho is throwing out burning
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objects like cigars).
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7. The only appropriate time to use directional signals, if you must
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use them at all, is while you're driving in a straight line down
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the highway (you could actually leave them on all the time since
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nobody really believes you are going to turn anyway).
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8. You must be prepared to yell obscenities at and give the finger
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to anything that moves. If you are always prepared, you will
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beat the other macho drivers to the punch.
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9. In Massachusetts, the road sign YIELD has no meaning, but the
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sign STOP means YIELD. A flashing yellow or green light means
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the same thing as a YIELD sign, and a flashing red light is the
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same as a STOP sign. You must never come to a complete stop
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unless the vehicle in front of you comes to a complete stop.
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Only wimps stop for red lights. So be sure to blast your horn
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the split second the light turns green.
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10. Driving in the breakdown lane is strongly encouraged. Passing
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traffic in the breakdown lane on multi-lane highways is
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particularly macho. Driving over the road shoulder or on top of
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the median strip to get around traffic should be left to the
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experienced macho driver.
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11. Passing traffic on winding, narrow roads without hesitation will
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gain the respect of other macho drivers.
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12. Never yield to emergency road vehicles such as ambulances. They
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will find a way to get around you (they should never have caught
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up with you in the first place).
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13. You must master the art of tailgating to become a full-fledged
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macho driver. With practice, it is possible to maintain a
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distance of two to three inches between you and the vehicle in
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front of you without even paying attention! This is particularly
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confusing to the driver when you are in heavy traffic. If the
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driver in front of you tries something cute like slowing down,
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jamming on the brakes, or flipping the lights on and off, be
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ready with your obscenities and finger. Remember that you are
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always in a bigger hurry than the guy in front of you.
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14. Another art to master is that of "cutting off" other drivers.
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This must be done with great care when cutting off other macho
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drivers. Sometimes it is necessary to wait for the oncoming
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vehicle for quite some time before rolling out in front of it,
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but that is the art. Your mission is to see the front of the
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vehicle you're cutting off nearly hit the ground as it brakes to
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a screeching halt. Of course, you appear never to have seen the
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oncoming vehicle even though you had to wait for it. You must
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then be careful not to accelerate until the driver you just cut
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off has finished giving you the finger and yelling obscenities.
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15. Sometimes associated with "cutting off" is the ability to close
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off gaps in traffic. This is one of my favorite macho-driving
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techniques. When you detect a vehicle either trying to pull into
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traffic or accelerating towards you in an attempt to get past
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you, you must adjust your speed such that the gap in traffic will
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NOT be there when the vehicle gets to it. You must anticipate
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the driver's intention while nonchalantly altering your speed to
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intercept. A fun variation of this technique is to use it to
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prevent vehicles from getting on or off the highway. Remember
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that you must not notice the other driver's predicament as he/she
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jams on the brakes.
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16. The experienced macho driver is capable of eating lunch, drinking
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a beer, and having complete sexual relations while performing all
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the above activities simultaneously. So practice up!
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