textfiles/humor/docdict.txt

A Little Editing Needed Here (The Doctor as Humorist)

While looking for a Real Job (read: technical writing), I've been paying
the bills doing medical transcription work.  I came across a book today 
called "The Empty Laugh Book" by the American Association for Medical
Transcription, containing some of the funniest dictated and transcribed quotes
from the world of medicine that I've ever encountered.  Some of the best
follow:
                             (c) 1981 AAMT
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d: Hesselbach's triangle
t: House of Ox triangle

d: Foot is cold with a purplish hue
t: Foot is cold with a purple shoe

d: Patient is a primip.
t: Patient is a prime rib.

d: Patient was followed up by the Neurology Service.
t: Patient was fouled up by the Neurology Service.

d: Varicose veins
t: Very close veins

d: Patient underwent a tubal ligation.
t: Patient underwent a two-ball ligation.

d: Dr. Blank concurred with the diagnosis.
t: Dr. Blank conquered the diagnosis.

d: If I may be of any help to you in the future along the way, please feel
free to make an appointment for further evaluation in the meantime.

d: When this man straightens his head and puts it under his chin, he
gets some relief.

d: The patient was placed under the microscope.

d: Extremities:  The patient wears a toupee and there is a right inguinal
hernia.

d: Patient has pain after intercourse in his chest.

d: Mother died at age 91, has good health and is active mentally.

d: Surgeries: Appendectomy, T&A, and bilateral breast bi-zippies.

d: [On an operative report, the surgical assistants]: In the left corner we
have Billy, in the center puttering around with her little paws is Molly,
and dancing around to my right is Daisy, and this is yours truly.

d: Get this: 100 mg., enough for a small hippo!

d: This is a letter to O.B. Tate.  Dear O.B. No, Dear Ms. Tate -- I don't
know, maybe it's a man.  Dear person Tate.  I don't know what you say.  Dear
person Tate.  No, you can't say that.  Dear Ms. Tate.  Oh, make something up.

d: The patient was taken to delivery where she gave birth to a male-female
infant.  Oops!  There isn't any such thing, is there?

d: His tongue was slightly hairy.  Yes, that's what I said, hairy.

d: The patient had a deformity of the chest, the name of which I can never
remember at the proper time.

d [On phone to the x-ray technician]: I'm sending over a hand.  Maybe an
arm will come later.  Maybe a body will come with it.

d: This is the phantom of the phone.

d: The patient is here with a rash which I sent over to Dr. Blank.

d: The patient went to the bathroom shortly after the sigmoidoscopy and 
produced a prolapse, which she brought back to the office.

d: He was discharged to home with the Visiting Nurses following him.

d: Despite treatment, the patient improved.

d: She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions
in early December.

d: Smokes two packs per day and consumes one quart of alcohol per day for
past 10 years.  Admitted with diagnosis of shortness of breath and increasing
abdominal girth, etiology unknown.

d: Family history: Mother, age 87, is a diabetic.  Father lives with an ulcer.

d: We do not feel this patient has any significant physical disease at the
present time, and for this reason we have advised her to return to you.

d: The patient said she was too sick to be in the hospital and would return
when she felt better.

d: Patient denied exposure to coitus.

d: Patient became pregnant with an IUD.

d: Because of the age of the patient, speed was increased for fear of the
patient going bad on the table.

d: Both marital problems are teenagers.

d: The left breast is not available at this time.

d: Patient took 6 Zactrin tablets given him by his dentist with a bizarre
suicide note.

d: On exam, he has cigarettes in his front pocket.

d: He breaks out with cats.

d: Patient slipped on the porch when she went out to feed the birds
and broke her ankle.  The birds were not injured.

d: Patient came in with her breast for examination.

d: Patient had a spontaneous vaginal hysterectomy.

d: The barium enema on the phone was within normal limits.

d: Contusion of the leg secondary to nausea and vomiting.

d: It is my feeling at this time still that Mr. Blank is still in need of
surgical correction in order to provide a more definitive direction and
solution to the problem that is at hand.

d: The patient, be he dead or alive, needs a doctor's order to be released.

d: Here a pain, there a pain, everywhere a pain, pain.

d: Past History: Four children and an appendectomy.

d: The only complaint of this 74 year old woman is that the wind keeps
blowing her off her motorcycle and she suffers aches and pains because
of this.

d: This child will probably be shorter than he wants to be, but he should
have picked different parents.

d: I gave the x-rays to the patient to carry with him so he could show and
tell.

d: Preoperative diagnosis: Had enough kids.  Desires tubal ligation.

d: The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

d: Patient was in an auto accident in 1965 and sustained a whiplash injury
for which she received heat and exercise and $3,000 compensation.

d: Physical examination revealed a garrulous, obese woman who was short of
breath on motion but not on talking.

d: Patient is a 28 year old white male who was playing his first league
game of the season when he was sliding into home plate.  The patient was
safe, but his ankle was out.

d: He was a very pleasant person to talk with until he discovered that I
am a psychiatrist.  At that point, he became markedly hostile and belligerent,
threatening to do great bodily harm to me if I did not leave the room 
immediately.  The interview, therefore, was terminated very rapidly and a
complete mental status is indeed not possible.

d: I don't think I have ever run into anything quite like this patient;
however, I think with a great deal of courage, keeping our eyes upward,
moving onward and upward, maybe we shall push through to the ultimate
victory as England did in those dark days of Dunkirk.  I now find that she
is tired and she is nervous and she is not awake enough and she is not 
asleep enough.  She is not right enough, left enough, up enough, and she
is not down enough.  I have decided that this whole thing can be cured by
that magic pill which I will get from the pharmacy.  This little bottle of
pills will probably go into her purse along with seven other bottles
of pills of which she takes only about one half.  She can't handle the ______
so I told her to take [a vitamin preparation].  This has a little booze
in it and may help her.  She will return in one month.

d: The patient states he is already too screwed up to try drugs.

d: He has never been married except once for three days when he was on an
acid trip.

d: History and Physical: Mrs. Blank is a 64 year old black widow.

d: The patient was evaluated by an orthopedist, but impression of his con-
sultation is unknown, as I cannot read his writing.

d: She was taken to surgery on the 9th, as per operative report.  She made
a good postoperative recovery and was seen in the clinic the morning following
surgery.  Following that, she was lost in confusion, and repeated attempts
to locate her through the hospital information center failed to locate the
patient until the morning of the 15th when she phoned me stating that she
was still in the hospital in room 5309 ... Her unusual length of stay in the
hospital was not intentional and it was due to misunderstanding and confusion
and inability to locate the patient until Tuesday ... The patient's hospital
course was uneventful and she was discharged.

d: She states that her husband took downers and she took uppers so the
relationship did not work out.