291 lines
16 KiB
Plaintext
291 lines
16 KiB
Plaintext
Things to do When Bored
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-Wax the ceiling -Rearrange political campaign signs
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-Sharpen your teeth -Play Houdini with one of your siblings
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-Braid your dog's hair -Clean and polish your belly button
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-Water your dog...see if he grows -Wash a tree
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-Knight yourself -Name your child Edsel
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-Scare Stephen King -Give your cat a mohawk
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-Purr -Mow your carpet
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-Play Pat Boone records backwards -Vacuum your lawn
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-Whine -Rake your carpet
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-Re-elect Richard Nixon -Critique "Three's Company"
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-Listen to a painting -Play with matches
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-Buff your cat -Race ferrets
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-Paint your house...Day-Glo Orange -Have a formal dinner at White Castle
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-Read Homer in the original Greek -Change your mind
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-Learn Greek -Change it back
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-Watch the sun...see if it moves -Stand on your head
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-Build a pyramid -Stand on someone else's head
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-Spit shine your Nikes -See how long you can stay awake
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-Paint your teeth -See how long you can sleep
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-Wear a salad -Speak with a forked tongue
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-Get your dog braces -Shave a shrub
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-Have a proton fight -Watch a car rust
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-Quiver -Rotate your carpet
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-Learn to type...with your toes -Set up your Christmas tree in April
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-Buy the Brooklyn Bridge -Be someone special
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-Mail it to a friend -Go back to square one
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-Factor your social security number -Take the fifth
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-Memorize a series of random numbers -Read the 1962 Des Moines white pages
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-Join the Foreign Legion -Learn Sanskrit
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-Exist...existentially, of course -Print counterfeit Confederate money
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-Kick a cabbage -Take a picture
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-Sandpaper a mushroom -Put it back
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-Play solitaire...for cash -Abuse your patio furniture
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-Run for Pope -Count to a million...fast
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-Make a schematic drawing...of a rock -Commit seppuku...with a paper knife
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-Revert -Think shallow thoughts
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-Sleep on a bed of nails -Boil ice cream
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-DON'T toss and turn -Run around in squares
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-Think of quadruple entendres -Speak in acronyms
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-Have your pillow X-rayed -Drink straight shots...of water
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-Calmly have a nervous breakdown -Give your goldfish a perm
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-Fly a brick -Play tag...on 35W
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-Exorcise a ghost -Be blue
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-Exercise a ghost -Be red
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-Paint stripes on a lake -But don't be orange
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-Ski Kansas -Sleep in freefall
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-Kill a Joule -Test thin ice...with a pogo stick
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-Apply for a unicorn hunting license -Do a good job
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-Crawl -Invite the Mansons over for dinner
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-Paint your windows -Watch a watch until it stops
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-Flash your goldfish -Paint
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-Flirt with an evergreen -Smile
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-Rotate your garden...daily -Paint a smile
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-Shoot a fire hydrant -Pretend you're blind
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-Apologize to it -Plant a shoe
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-Sweat -Give a Rorschach test to your gerbil
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-Turn -Take your sofa for a walk
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-Write a letter to Plato -Start
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-Mail it -Stop
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-Dial 911 and breathe heavily -Go to a funeral...tell jokes
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-Play the piano...with mittens on -Starch your shoes
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-Polish your Calvin's -Contemplate a cockroach
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-Get a dog to chase your car -Investigate the Czar
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-Let him catch it -Form a political party
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-Climb a sidewalk -Have a political party
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-Get diagonal...with a good friend -Ride a loaf of bread
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-Sharpen a carrot -Interrogate a gerbil
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-Annoy yourself -Get mad at yourself
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-Stop speaking to yourself -Be a side effect
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-Ride a bicycle...up Mt. McKinley -Duck
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-Redecorate...your garage -Develop a complex
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-Join the Army...be someone simple -Try harder
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-Hit the deck -Put legwarmers on your furniture
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-Cut the deck -Scheme
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-Sit -Water your family room
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-Stay -Cause a power failure
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-Roll over -Wriggle
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-Play dead -Donate your brother's body to science
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-Find a witch -Ask why
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-Burn her -Regress
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-Sleepwalk without sleeping -Go bow hunting for Toyotas
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-Kidnap Cabbage Patch Kids -Jump back
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-Play to lose -Scalp a street light
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-Have your car painted...plaid -Read a tomato
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-Sharpen your sleeping skills -Watch a game show...take notes
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-Put out a fire -Interview a cloud
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-If you can't find a fire, make one -Play tiddlywinks...go for blood
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-Play basketball...in a minefield -Crumple
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-Translate Shakespeare into English -Skydive to church
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-Cheer up a potato -Do aerobic exercises...in your head
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-Play cards with your swimming pool -Pinstripe your driveway
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-Play Kick the Fire Hydrant -Harness chipmunk power
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-Build a house with ice cubes -Call London for a cab
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-Mug a stop sign -Change your name...daily
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-Go for a walk in your attic -Challenge your neighbor to a duel
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-Try to join Hell's Angels by mail -Wonder
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-Be a square root -Ask stupid questions
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-Weld your car doors shut -Spew
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-Vacation at Three-Mile Island -Surf Ohio
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-Teach your pet rock to play dead -Go bowling for small game
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-Be a monk...for a day -Wear a sweatband to your wedding
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-Staple -Run away
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-Intimidate a piece of chalk -Abuse the plumbing
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-Bend a florescent light -Bend a brick
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-Annoy total strangers -Don't talk to things
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-Draw Lewis structures on your ceiling -Have your cat bronzed
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-Have your gerbil gilded -Write books about writing books
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-Create random equations -Misspell words
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-Tell your feet a joke -Throw a tomato into a fan
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-Sing the ABC song backwards -Pretend you're a dog
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-Dial-a-prayer and argue with it -Grease the doorknobs
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-String up a room -Stack furniture
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-Relive fond memories -Tie your shoelaces together
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-Gargle -Count your teeth with your tongue
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-Decay -Find your half-life
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-Build a house out of toothpicks -Howl
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-Wear a lampshade on your head -Memorize the dictionary
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-Stomp grapes in the bathtub -Find a bug and chase it
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-Make yourself a pair of wings -Be immobile
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-Dance 'til you drop -Check under chairs for chewing gum
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-Squish a loaf of bread -Moo
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-Bounce a potato -Outmaneuver your shadow
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-Climb the walls -Appreciate everything
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-Challenge yourself to a duel -Believe in Santa Claus
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-Let the best man win -Throw marshmallows against the wall
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-Hold an ice cube as long as possible -Adopt strange mannerisms
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-Blow up a balloon until it pops -Sing soft and sweet and clear
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-Open everything -Sing loud and sour and gravelly
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-Balance a pencil on your nose -Pour milk in your shoes
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-Write graffiti under the rug -Embarrass yourself
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-Grind your teeth -Chew ice
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-Count your belly button -Sit in a row
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-Stack crumbs -Gesture
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-Save your toenail clippings -Make a pass at your blender
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-Punt -Make up words that start with X
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-Make oatmeal in the bathtub -Search for the Lost Chord
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-Chew on a sofa cushion -Sing a duet
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-Balance a pillow on your head -Hold your breath
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-Faint -Stretch
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-Flash your mailman -Teach your TA English
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-Learn to speak Farsi -Swear in Russian
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-Use an eraser until it goes away -Disassemble your car
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-Record your walls -Put it together inside out
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-Interview your feet -Make a list of your favorite fungi
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-Sell formaldehyde -Make napalm
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-Tattoo your dresser -Watch a bowling ball
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-Buy some diapers -Eat everything
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-Begin -Pour milk in the sink
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-Make cottage cheese -Tie-dye your sheets
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-Hold your earlobes -Carpet your ceiling
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-Fold your earlobes -Flap
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-Squawk -Read tea leaves
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-Analyze the Koran -Be Buddha
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-Award yourself a Nobel Peace Prize -Plug in the cat
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-Turn on everything -Drop pebbles down the chimney
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-Turn off your neighbor -Kill a plant
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-Buy a 1931 Almanac -Memorize the weather section
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-Think lewd thoughts about yourself -Peel grapes
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-Send chills down your spine -Make paper from the skins
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-Blow bubbles -Bloat
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-Catch them with your radiator -Get run over by a train of thought
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-Make up famous sayings -Bite your pinkie
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-File your teeth -Design a better toilet seat
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-Shred a newspaper -Scratch
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-Have a headache -Sniff
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-Hatch an egg -Play air guitar
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-Spill -Act profound
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-Spell -Stare
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-Truncate -Slouch
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-Develop hearing problems -Put your feet behind your head
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-Tie bows in everything -Hold your hand
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-Watch the minute hand move -Grow your fingernails
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-Pretend you're a telephone -Radiate
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-Ring -Skip
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-Play hopscotch...with real scotch -Clock the velocity of your REMs
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-Put your shoes on the opposite feet -Cross your toes
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-Roll your tongue -Crystalize
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-Baby oil the floor -Hide
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-Attack innocent bunnies -Declare war
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-Destroy a tree -Hide the scrabble bag
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-Seduce your stick shift -Wink
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-Memorize the periodic table -Mummify
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-Pretend you're a roadie -Buy a Ginsu knife
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-Collect electrons -Correct typos that aren't there
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-Polish your neck...use Pledge -Repeat
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-Ad lib -Fade
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-Recopy the Bible substituting your name for God
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-Loosen the lug nuts on your dad's new car
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-Drop your cat off the roof to see if it lands on all four feet
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-Count the bags under Walter Mondale's eyes
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-Unscrew all the lightbulbs and rearrange the furniture
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-Found the Jim Jones School of Bartending
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-Listen for non-satanic messages (i.e. "Drink milk")
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-Dress like Motley Crue...surprise your grandmother
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-Dial-a-Prayer and tell them they're wrong
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-Go into a bar and ask for a Molotov Cocktail
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-Learn everything there is to know about the Holy Roman Empire
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-Make a drive-in window at your local bank where there wasn't one before
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-Walk on water...but don't get caught
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-Confess to a crime...that didn't happen
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-Be in the wrong place at the right time
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-Plot the overthrow of your local School Board
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-Request covert assistance from the CIA
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-Discover the source of the Mississippi
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-Search for buried treasure...in Nebraska
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-Hot wax the bottom of your brother's dress shoes
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-Preach the philosophy of Marx...Groucho, that is
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-Drink as much prune juice as you can
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-Write a book about your previous life
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-Serve ping-pong balls...as hors d'oeuvres
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-Jump up and down...on your alarm clock
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-Make a quilt out of used cocktail napkins
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-Sterilize your stereo...with Jack Daniels
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-Carve you and your girlfriend's initials...in a marshmallow
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-Drive the speed limit...in your garage
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-Sing the national anthem...during your calculus final
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-Wear a three-piece suit...in a sauna
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-Pay off the national debt...with a bad check
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-Go to a cemetery and verbally abuse dead people
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-Give yourself a hernia...for Christmas
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-Defend your neighborhood from roving Mongol hordes
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-Recite romantic poetry...to your toaster
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-See if you really can build a nuclear device in your own basement
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-Go to McDonald's and pretend you can't speak English
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-Write to your congressmen, senators, President, etc. to tell them what a good
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job they're doing...On April 1st
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-Find the heat capacity of your chemistry professor
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-Take apart all your major kitchen appliances...mix and match them
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-Turn your TV picture tube upside down
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-Phone in a death threat on President Kennedy
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-Put lighted EXIT signs on all your closets
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-Carry a tune...drop it, see if it breaks
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-Be planar...but don't tell your parents
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-Play hockey with your little cousin...as the puck
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-Make a deal with the devil...but keep your fingers crossed
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-Put instant concrete in your big brother's waterbed
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-Give a lecture on the historical significance of cream cheese
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-Debate politics with a fern
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-If you lose, stop watering it and try again.
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-Increase your territorial holdings by force
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-Find out how many ways there really are to skin a cat
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-Boldly go where no man has gone before
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-Be a threat to the American way of life
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-Do research into the cause of World War III
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-Be a threat to the Northwestern Tibetan way of life
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-Re-establish the Roman Empire...in Pittsburgh
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-See how small you can scrunch your face
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-Sell firewood door to door...in Atlantis
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-Found the TLO (Toledo Liberation Organization)
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-Play nuclear chicken with a small third world nation
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-Raise professional certified racing turnips
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-Give your grandmother a raise and another day of paid vacation
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-Lead an aerobics class...for patients of the I.C.U.
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-Go to a drive-in movie in a tank
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-Go to a non-drive-in movie in a tank and drive in anyway
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-Send President Reagan an alarm clock...wind it up first
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-Found a cockroach stable and stud ranch
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-Send your goldfish to obedience school
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-Free the oppressed toasters of America
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-Weave a tablecloth out of copper tubing
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-Give your cat a suntan...in the microwave
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-Park your car...with a friend
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-Park your car...with a group of friends
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-Frame your first statement of bankruptcy
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-Place it on the wall of your office
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-Solve the population problem (x^2 + y^2 = population...solve for x)
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-Contribute to the population problem
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-Wear a T-shirt that says "I'll walk on you to see The Who" and a peace sign
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-Practice the Aztec method of heart removal on your professor
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-Find out who made the super glue commercials and give them your Ginsu knife
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-Get Ronco and K-tel to merge...they sell the same stuff anyway
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-Sneak into a nuclear physics lab and stay the night
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-Play with anything that looks interesting
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-Drop piston engines on two people and see who squishes first
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-See if your goldfish can live in Coors rather than water
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-Try to ignite water...the Mississippi might work
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-Draw Venn diagrams...screw them up
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-State fallacies as fact (like, "peanuts grow on bushes")
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-Visit the Architecture building...loudly criticize its design
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-Make a schematic drawing...of a rock
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-Wallpaper your laundry room...with pages from books you don't like
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-See if diamonds really do cut glass...on everything in your neighbor's house
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-Tenderize your tongue...chew on it for a while
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-See how long you can stare at a fluorescent light...try green
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-Bronze your sister's turtle
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-See how long it takes for her to notice
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-See what she does when she notices
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-Bronze your sister
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