265 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
265 lines
14 KiB
Plaintext
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(word processor parameters LM=8, RM=78, TM=2, BM=2)
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Taken from KeelyNet BBS (214) 324-3501
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Sponsored by Vangard Sciences
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PO BOX 1031
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Mesquite, TX 75150
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August 17, 1990
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Student Bloopers
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I thought you might get a kick out of the following:
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The World According to Student Bloopers
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Richard Lederer
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St. Paul's School
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(Reprinted without permission)
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One of the fringe benefits of being an English or History
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teacher is receiving the occasional jewel of a student blooper in an
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essay. I have pasted together the following "history" of the world
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from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers
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throughout the United States, from eight grade through college
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level. Read carefully, and you will learn a lot.
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The inhabitants of Egypt were called mummies. They lived in the
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Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is
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such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere, so certain areas
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of the dessert are cultivated by irritation. The Egyptians built
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the Pyramids in the shape of a huge triangular cube. The Pramids
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are a range of mountains between France and Spain.
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The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book
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of the Bible, Guinesses, Adam and Eve were created from an apple
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tree. One of their children, Cain, asked "Am I my brother's son?"
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God asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac on Mount Montezuma. Jacob, son
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of Issac, stole his brother's birthmark. Jacob was a partiarch who
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brought up his twelve sons to be partiarchs, but they did not take
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to it. One of Jacob's sons, Joseph, gave refuse to the Israelites.
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Pharaoh forced the Hebrew slaves to make bread without straw.
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Moses led them to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread,
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which is bread made without any ingredients. Afterwards, Moses went
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up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. David was a Hebrew
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king skilled at playing the liar. He fougth with the Philatelists,
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a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of
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David's sons, had 500 wives and 500 porcupines.
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Without the Greeks, we wouldn't have history. The Greeks
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invented three kinds of columns - Corinthian, Doric and Ironic.
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They also had myths. A myth is a female moth. One myth says that
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the mother of Achilles dipped him in the River Stynx until he became
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intolerable. Achilles appears in "The Illiad", by Homer. Homer
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also wrote the "Oddity", in which Penelope was the last hardship
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that Ulysses endured on his journey. Actually, Homer was not
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written by Homer but by another man of that name.
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Page 1
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Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
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people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of
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wedlock.
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In the Olympic Games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
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biscuits, and threw the java. The reward to the victor was a coral
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wreath. The government of Athen was democratic because the people
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took the law into their own hands. There were no wars in Greece, as
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the mountains were so high that they couldn't climb over to see what
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their neighbors were doing. When they fought the Parisians, the
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Greeks were outnumbered because the Persians had more men.
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Eventually, the Ramons conquered the Geeks. History call people
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Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long. At
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Roman banquets, the guests wore garlic in their hair. Julius Caesar
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extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March
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killed him because they thought he was going to be made king. Nero
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was a cruel tyrany who would torture his poor subjects by playing
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the fiddle to them.
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Then came the Middle Ages. King Alfred conquered the Dames,
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King Arthur lived in the Age of Shivery, King Harlod mustarded his
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troops before the Battle of Hastings, Joan of Arc was cannonized by
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George Bernard Shaw, and the victims of the Black Death grew boobs
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on their necks. Finally, the Magna Carta provided that no free man
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should be hanged twice for the same offense.
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In midevil times most of the people were alliterate. The
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greatest writer of the time was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and
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verse and also wrote literature. Another tale tells of William
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Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's
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head.
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The Renaissance was an age in which more individuals felt the
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value of their human being. Martin Luther was nailed to the church
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door at Wittenberg for selling papal indulgences. He died a
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horrible death, being excommunicated by a bull. It was the painter
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Donatello's interest in the female nude that made him the father of
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the Renaissance. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries.
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Gutenberg invented the Bible. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical
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figure because he invented cigarettes. Another important invention
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was the circulation of blood. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the
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world with a 100-foot clipper.
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The government of England was a limited mockery. Henry VIII
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found walking difficult because he had an abbess on his knee. Queen
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Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success.
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When Elizabeth exposed herself before her troops, they all shouted
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"hurrah." Then her navy went out and defeated the Spanish
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Armadillo.
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The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespear.
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Shakespear never made much money and is famous only because of his
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plays. He lived in Windsor with his merry wives, writing tragedies,
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comedies and errors. In one of Shakespear's famous plays, Hamlet
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rations out his situation by relieving himself in a long soliloquy.
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In another, Lady Macbeth tries to convince Macbeth to kill the King
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by attacking his manhood. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a
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heroic couplet. Writing at the same time as Shakespear was Miquel
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Page 2
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Cervantes. He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John
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Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife dies and he
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wrote "Paradise Regained."
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During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was
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a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the
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Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa
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Fe. Later the Pilgrims crossed the Ocean, and the was called the
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Pilgrim's Progress. When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were
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greeted by Indians, who came down the hill rolling their was hoops
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before them. The Indian squabs carried porposies on their back.
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Many of the Indian heroes were killed, along with their cabooses,
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which proved very fatal to them. The winter of 1620 was a hard one
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for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born.
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Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
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One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put
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tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their pacels
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through the post without stamps. During the War, Red Coats and Paul
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Revere was throwing balls over stone walls. The dogs were barking
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and the peacocks crowing. Finally, the colonists won the War and no
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longer had to pay for taxis.
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Delegates from the original thirteen states forme$5he Contented
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Congress.
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Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two
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singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin had gone to
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Boston carrying all his clothes in his pocket and a loaf of bread
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under each arm. He invented electricity by rubbing cats backwards
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and declared "a horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin
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died in 1790 and is still dead.
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George Washington married Matha Curtis and in due time became
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the Father of Our Country. Them the Constitution of the United
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States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the
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Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
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Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's
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mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he
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built with his own hands. When Lincoln was President, he wore only
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a tall silk hat. He said, "In onion there is strength." Abraham
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Lincoln write the Gettysburg address while traveling from Washington
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to Gettysburg on the back of an envelope. He also signed the
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Emasculation Proclamation, and the Fourteenth Amendment gave
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the ex-Negroes citizenship. But the Clue Clux Clan would torcher
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and lynch the ex-Negroes and other innocent victims. On the night
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of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his
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seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed
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assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This
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ruined Booth's career.
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Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
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Voltare invented electricity and also wrote a book called "Candy".
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Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in
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the Autumn, when the apples are flaling off the trees.
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Bach was the most famous composer in the world, and so was
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Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He
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Page 3
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was very large. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Beethoven
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wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud
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music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was
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calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
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France was in a very serious state. The French Revolution was
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accomplished before it happened. The Marseillaise was the theme
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song of the French Revolution, and it catapulted into Napoleon.
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During the Napoleonic Wars, the crowned heads of Europe were
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trembling in their shoes. Then the Spanish gorrilas came down from
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the hills and nipped at Napoleon's flanks. Napoleon became ill with
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bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained. He wanted an
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heir to inheret his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she
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couldn't bear him any children.
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The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
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Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West. Queen Victoria
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was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. He
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reclining years and finally the end of her life were exemplatory of
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a great personality. Her death was the final event which ended her
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reign.
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The nineteenth century was a time of many great inventions and
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thoughts. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers
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to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick Raper, which
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did the work of a hundred men. Samuel Morse invented a code for
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telepathy. Louis Pastuer discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles
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Darwin was a naturailst who wrote the "Organ of the Species".
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Madman Curie discovered radium. And Karl Marx became one of the
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Marx Brothers.
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The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck
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by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
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--------------------------------------------------------------------
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If you have comments or other information relating to such topics as
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this paper covers, please upload to KeelyNet or send to the Vangard
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Sciences address as listed on the first page. Thank you for your
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consideration, interest and support.
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Jerry W. Decker.........Ron Barker...........Chuck Henderson
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Vangard Sciences/KeelyNet
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--------------------------------------------------------------------
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If we can be of service, you may contact
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Jerry at (214) 324-8741 or Ron at (214) 484-3189
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--------------------------------------------------------------------
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FINIS
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Page 4
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