82 lines
5.1 KiB
Plaintext
82 lines
5.1 KiB
Plaintext
NEW INFORMATION ON BLACK HOLES
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Noted Authority Clears Up Confusion
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It has come to the attention of this office that much complete balderdash has
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been promulgated recently regarding the class of astronomical objects usually
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referred to as "black holes". One expert makes one paradoxical claim, another
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makes another ... usually in tones of infuriating condescension ... the time
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has come to cut through this Gordion knot and see if with LOGIC we can make
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some sense out of the nonsensical gobbledegook that these math priests throw
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out in such confusion profusion.
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1) CONCLUSION ONE: If we could somehow get hold of black hole, only a small
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one ( a couple of miles across ) and drop it on Russia - we could make a
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fortune.
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2) With Russia on her knees, we would also have an immediate solution to the
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garbage crisis ... also housing, jails, etc.
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3) Publicity is a problem ... people don't relate all that well to black
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holes. Black holes have an image problem. People perceive them as somehow ...
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dark ... threatening ... Let's face it, the very name "black hole" is a
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turn-off. Black holes need some good PR work to offset their "bad rap". For
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instance, its not true that stuff that is dropped into a black hole vanishes
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forever. Eventually, the physics wizards now tell us, the stuff comes back out
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- maybe a little bit rearranged. This is a big selling point for people who
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want to "get away from it all", or for people who want to put their savings
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into a place that is absolutely safe.
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4) "Punk" rock is an angle that should be explored here. These youngsters
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are naturals for black holes! Bands could vie with each other to have black
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holes at their concerts and "social doings", etc.
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5) Religion! Need we say more? Meet your maker through the back door of the
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universe - down the garbage chute and into the arms of the almighty!
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6) It cannot be denied, from an imagistic point of view, that the "black
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hole" brings up certain anatomical comparisons Even the name is kind of
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suggestive - proctologists are naturals for this approach.
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7) Now there are those pundits who state that theory at least indicates that
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it would be possible to use a black hole to travel backward in time and shoot
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one's grandfather ... in direct contradiction of the "rational" view of cause
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and effect ... other pundits have argued against shooting one's grandfather if
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the old chap is at least pleasant, offers one a drink of scotch, etc ...
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instead they recommend crushing a bug or perhaps displacing a single electron -
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the changes from this would "snowball" until in the present time we would all
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be 20-foot pink flamingoes. Now these individuals might look differently on
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the matter of shooting one's grandfather. They might not even have
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grandfathers ... they might reproduce from viral infection of bladderworts.
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What then, pundits? How to shoot one's grandfather then?
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8) There is one final matter - one last question relating to black holes that
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seems to stump everyone. That question is ... "other universes". Supposedly
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the black hole is the gateway ( if you don't mind being torn to pieces,
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irradiated with super-hot gamma rays, and then crushed down to absolutely
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nothing ) to "other universes". Now on this subject of "other universes" no
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one seems to that the other universe is "similar to our own" - but there is a
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timid tone to their assertions that betrays that the speaker wonders if he
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dropped a sign somewhere and anyway can't understand his own equations.
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Sometimes they say that the black hole just pops out again in our own universe.
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Sometimes they say that our own universe itself popped out of a "white hole"
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type singularity and that previous to this there was "no time", "no space", "no
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causality" and other such gabble. The time has come to clear up this whole
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matter. All this time - wasting confusion has got to stop, so we can get back
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to some PRODUCTIVITY. Let's use some MIND POWER to see if we can blow away the
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chaff of fear and superstition and knock some holes in the wall of non-thought
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that surrounds this whole concept of "another universe". Now here's the key to
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the whole thing ... if we can get there through a black hole, its not another
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universe ... its really part of our own universe. Right? So ... no problem.
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We can forget all about any "other universe". Its all just one big happy
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universe. Of course the new place may take some getting used to. Once we've
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made the trip, and spruced up a bit, and had a nip of something strong to
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counteract the effects of being crushed, burnt, etc, there may be some "culture
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shock". It might be unsettling at first to find that left is always peaches,
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and that "reality" is 20-year old hydrogenated crankcase oil ( in short supply
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). But these are all problems that can be overcome. And now that the word is
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out, this office is confident that many farsighted and right-thinking people
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will see fit to "take the big step" down a black hole. Remember, this office
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will stand behind you - way behind!
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Call The Works BBS - 1600+ Textfiles! - [914]/238-8195 - 300/1200 - Always Open
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