90 lines
4.8 KiB
Plaintext
90 lines
4.8 KiB
Plaintext
My Life on Planet Earth
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Alf's Secret Diary
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Space Log Entry 684.1
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2:45 P.M.
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Los Angeles, Cal.
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Earth
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Dear Space Log,
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As I make yet another entry in my journal, I look back through
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the mustard and gravy stains of my past entries and sincerely hope
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that these chronicles are not written in vain. It is my wish someday
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that they'll fall into the right hands and I'll get a huge advance
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for the publishing and movie rights.
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Hard to believe that it's been more than two years since my
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spaceship landed on Earth. Although, technically, it wasn't really a
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landing. Landings are made right side up at less than Mach 2, and
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without teeth flying around the cabin. So let's call it a
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"controlled crash" that just happened to demolish everything in it's
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path. Which reminds me, I still haven't heard from Mutual of Melmac
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about my insurance claim. I guess my insurance agent's been pretty
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busy since the planet blew up. I can understand that, but mass
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devastation is no excuse for poor service. Never do business with
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your brother-in-law.
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Not that I had a choice or anything, but I consider myself pretty
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lucky having ended up on Earth. I could have done worse. I could have
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ended up on Weinberger, a pitless planet inhabited by mimes. It's
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pathetic to watch an entire population pretend to be trapped inside
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a glass box.
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Anyway, Earth was a pretty lucky break. At first I thought the best
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thing about it was that it was in one piece, but once I got used to
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all the silly rules it was OK. It's amazing how many things are
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exactly the oposite on Melmac. Like, do you remember my old pal
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Lippity Lepiner from the Cat-Snackers Club who was carted off to jail
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because he didn't end a sentence with a preposition? Well, he might
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still be in the slammer if he lived here, but for cat-snacking, not
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illiteracy. Go figure. Oh, and speaking of cats, dig this. You know
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how I hoped to land in the Persian Gulf, 'cause that's where I
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thought cats were from? Not true... they're everywhere, even here in
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California. That's where I ended up, California, and that was pretty
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lucky too, because you know how I always wanted to be in show
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business? I'm in it.
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I've even got my own television show. Me and Geraldo, who would
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have figured? I'll admit at first I was a little reluctant to get
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into TV. Especially when I saw what it did for Bruce Jenner's Career.
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I needed a job and the offers weren't exactly pouring in. It was a
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choice between starring in a sitcom or being Willard Scott's stunt
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toupee. The gamble paid off.
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Here I am, two years later with a hit television show, my own
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apartment, and a woman named Ramona who comes in twice a week to
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vacume me. I can't complain. I also made a lot of new friends here,
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and most importantly, I've got fans. Fans who care about me. Fans who
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send me scratch-and-sniff photos of their pets. I really appreciate
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the attention and the kindness, and I truly believe that Earthlings
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are basically good. Sure, there are a few bad apples in the upholstery
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business, but that's a given.
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As far as my future goes, who knows? I'd like to maybe be remembered
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as an ambassador from another planet who brought good will and
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thoughts. Maybe even a chuckle or two. If there's one thing I've
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learned about Earthlings, It's that they take themselves too seriously.
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I'm trying my best to set an example by living up to the old
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Melmacian proverb: "Eat, drink and lighten up, for tomorrow you might
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get audited." I'd like to see this planet take that advice. Earth is a
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great place. Everyone here should know that. Maybe if they did, they'd
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take better care of it. I learned that lesson the hard way. You can
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really miss your planet once it's gone.
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Till next time....
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ALF
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X-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-X
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Another file downloaded from: NIRVANAnet(tm)
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& the Temple of the Screaming Electron Jeff Hunter 510-935-5845
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Rat Head Ratsnatcher 510-524-3649
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Burn This Flag Zardoz 408-363-9766
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realitycheck Poindexter Fortran 415-567-7043
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Lies Unlimited Mick Freen 415-583-4102
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arcane knowledge, political extremism, diversive sexuality,
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insane speculation, and wild rumours. ALL-TEXT BBS SYSTEMS.
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Full access for first-time callers. We don't want to know who you are,
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"Raw Data for Raw Nerves"
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