253 lines
8.0 KiB
Plaintext
253 lines
8.0 KiB
Plaintext
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Abbott & Costello
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Who's on first?
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Abbott: Well Costello, I'm going to New York with you. The Yankee's
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manager gave me a job as coach for as long as your on the team.
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Costello: Look Abbott, if your the coach, you must know all the players.
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Abbott: I certainly do.
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Costello: Well you know I've never met the guys. So you'll have to tell me
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their names, and then I'll know who's playing on the team.
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Abbott: Oh, I'll tell you their names, but you know it seems to me they
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give these ball players now-a-days very peculiar names.
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Costello: You mean funny names?
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Abbott: Strange names, pet names...like Dizzy Dean...
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Costello: His brother Daffy
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Abbott: Daffy Dean...
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Costello: And their French cousin.
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Abbott: French?
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Costello: Goofe'
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Abbott: Goofe' Dean. Well, let's see, we have on the bags, Who's on
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first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third...
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Costello: That's what I want to find out.
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Abbott: I say Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third.
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Costello: Are you the manager?
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Abbott: Yes.
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Costello: You gonna be the coach too?
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Abbott: Yes.
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Costello: And you don't know the fellows' names.
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Abbott: Well I should.
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Costello: Well then who's on first?
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Abbott: Yes.
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Costello: I mean the fellow's name.
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Abbott: Who.
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Costello: The guy on first.
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Abbott: Who.
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Costello: The first baseman.
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Abbott: Who.
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Costello: The guy playing...
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Abbott: Who is on first!
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Costello: I'm asking you who's on first.
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Abbott: That's the man's name.
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Costello: That's who's name?
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Abbott: Yes.
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Costello: Well go ahead and tell me.
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Abbott: That's it.
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Costello: That's who?
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Abbott: Yes.
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PAUSE
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Costello: Look, you gotta first baseman?
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Abbott: Certainly.
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Costello: Who's playing first?
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Abbott: That's right.
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Costello: When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the
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money?
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Abbott: Every dollar of it.
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Costello: All I'm trying to find out is the fellow's name on first base.
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Abbott: Who.
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Costello: The guy that gets...
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Abbott: That's it.
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Costello: Who gets the money...
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Abbott: He does, every dollar of it. Sometimes his wife comes down and
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collects it.
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Costello: Who's wife?
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Abbott: Yes.
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PAUSE
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Abbott: What's wrong with that?
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Costello: Look, all I wanna know is when you sign up the first baseman, how
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does he sign his name?
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Abbott: Who.
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Costello: The guy.
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Abbott: Who.
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Costello: How does he sign...
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Abbott: That's how he signs it.
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Costello: Who?
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Abbott: Yes.
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PAUSE
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Costello: All I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.
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Abbott: No. What is on second base.
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Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
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Abbott: Who's on first.
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Costello: One base at a time!
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Abbott: Well, don't change the players around.
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Costello: I'm not changing nobody!
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Abbott: Take it easy, buddy.
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Costello: I'm only asking you, who's the guy on first base?
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Abbott: That's right.
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Costello: Ok.
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Abbott: Alright.
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PAUSE
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Costello: What's the guy's name on first base?
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Abbott: No. What is on second.
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Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
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Abbott: Who's on first.
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Costello: I don't know.
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Abbott: He's on third, we're not talking about him.
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Costello: Now how did I get on third base?
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Abbott: Why you mentioned his name.
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Costello: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing
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third?
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Abbott: No. Who's playing first.
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Costello: What's on base?
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Abbott: What's on second.
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Costello: I don't know.
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Abbott: He's on third.
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Costello: There I go, back on third again!
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PAUSE
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Costello: Would you just stay on third base and don't go off it.
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Abbott: Alright, what do you want to know?
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Costello: Now who's playing third base?
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Abbott: Why do you insist on putting Who on third base?
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Costello: What am I putting on third.
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Abbott: No. What is on second.
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Costello: You don't want who on second?
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Abbott: Who is on first.
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Costello: I don't know.
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Together: Third base!
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PAUSE
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Costello: Look, you gotta outfield?
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Abbott: Sure.
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Costello: The left fielder's name?
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Abbott: Why.
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Costello: I just thought I'd ask you.
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Abbott: Well, I just thought I'd tell ya.
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Costello: Then tell me who's playing left field.
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Abbott: Who's playing first.
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Costello: I'm not...stay out of the infield!!! I want to know what's the
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guy's name in left field?
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Abbott: No, What is on second.
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Costello: I'm not asking you who's on second.
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Abbott: Who's on first!
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Costello: I don't know.
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Together: Third base!
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PAUSE
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Costello: The left fielder's name?
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Abbott: Why.
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Costello: Because!
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Abbott: Oh, he's center field.
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PAUSE
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Costello: Look, You gotta pitcher on this team?
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Abbott: Sure.
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Costello: The pitcher's name?
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Abbott: Tomorrow.
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Costello: You don't want to tell me today?
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Abbott: I'm telling you now.
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Costello: Then go ahead.
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Abbott: Tomorrow!
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Costello: What time?
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Abbott: What time what?
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Costello: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
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Abbott: Now listen. Who is not pitching.
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Costello: I'll break your arm if you say who's on first!!! I want to know
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what's the pitcher's name?
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Abbott: What's on second.
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Costello: I don't know.
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Together: Third base!
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PAUSE
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Costello: Gotta a catcher?
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Abbott: Certainly.
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Costello: The catcher's name?
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Abbott: Today.
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Costello: Today, and tomorrow's pitching.
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Abbott: Now you've got it.
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Costello: All we got is a couple of days on the team.
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PAUSE
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Costello: You know I'm a catcher too.
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Abbott: So they tell me.
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Costello: I get behind the plate to do some fancy catching, Tomorrow's
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pitching on my team and a heavy hitter gets up. Now the heavy
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hitter bunts the ball. When he bunts the ball, me, being a good
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catcher, I'm gonna throw the guy out at first. So I pick up the
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ball and throw it to who?
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Abbott: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
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Costello: I don't even know what I'm talking about!
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PAUSE
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Abbott: That's all you have to do.
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Costello: Is to throw the ball to first base.
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Abbott: Yes!
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Costello: Now who's got it?
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Abbott: Naturally.
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PAUSE
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Costello: Look, if I throw the ball to first base, somebody's gotta get it.
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Now who has it?
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Abbott: Naturally.
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Costello: Who?
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Abbott: Naturally.
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Costello: Naturally?
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Abbott: Naturally.
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Costello: So I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
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Abbott: No you don't you throw the ball to Who.
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Costello: Naturally.
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Abbott: That's different.
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Costello: That's what I said.
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Abbott: Your not saying it...
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Costello: I throw the ball to Naturally.
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Abbott: You throw it to Who.
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Costello: Naturally.
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Abbott: That's it.
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Costello: That's what I said!
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Abbott: You ask me.
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Costello: I throw the ball to who?
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Abbott: Naturally.
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Costello: Now you ask me.
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Abbott: You throw the ball to Who?
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Costello: Naturally.
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Abbott: That's it.
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Costello: Same as you! Same as YOU!!! I throw the ball to who. Whoever it
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is drops the ball and the guy runs to second. Who picks up the
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ball and throws it to What. What throws it to I Don't Know. I
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Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow, Triple play. Another guy
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gets up and hits a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know!
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He's on third and I don't give a darn!
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Abbott: What?
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Costello: I said I don't give a darn!
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Abbott: Oh, that's our shortstop.
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THE END
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Gfiles: (1-3, ^2),?,Q :
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