210 lines
7.4 KiB
Plaintext
210 lines
7.4 KiB
Plaintext
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[/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\]
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[\] [/]
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[/] The Real Pirate's Guide [\]
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[\] [/]
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[\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/] [\] [/]
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[simulation]
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FROM-> JHONNY THE AVENGER
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DATE-> SAT AUG 4 10:21 PM
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I SAW YOUR MESSAGE ON THE PIRATE BOARD ABOUT YOU HAVEING SIDE 2
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OF SUMMER GAMES! MY CONNECTIONS MR. ZEROX AND CHEIF SURGEN BLACK
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BAG ARE'NT AROUND TO MAIL IT 2 ME SO WANNA DO SOME SERIUS
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TRADEING?I HAVE GRAFORTH ,CHOPLIFTER ,MARS CARS ,DISK MUNCHER AND
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SOME K00L OTHER STUFF AND GAMES.CALL ME AT 312-323-3741. IF YOU
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NEED PHREAK CODES I HAVE THEM TO AND BOX PLANS.BYE
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*** ***** **
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* * * *
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* * * ******
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** HONNY * HE * * VENGER
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*THE KNIGHTS OF MYSTERIOUS KEYBOARDS*!
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THE AWESOMEST HACK GROUP IN TOWN
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Is the author of the above message a true pirate? Since the
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beginning of time there has been an implicit code of etiquette
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governing the actions of software pirates, but as many of you may
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have noticed as of late, that code has been knocked around a bit.
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Although it's not difficult to differentiate a true pirate from
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one of these poor imitations, I believe that, with the number of
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true pirates decreasing at such an alarming rate, this code
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should be set straight.
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After all, although "Jhonny" is admittedly a moron, it's not his
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fault that he never received proper guidance.
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One of the first and foremost rules of piracy: REAL PIRATES ARE
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OVER 15 YEARS OLD! Exceptions to this rule are extremely rare at
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best.
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corollary: You never have to wonder who breeded Mickey Mouse with
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a 2600 hz tone to produce a real pirate's voice.
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ALIASES
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-------
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Real pirates are more imaginative than to use the word "copy" in
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their alias.
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corollary: Real pirates aren't named "Mr. Copy" because real
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pirates don't brag about cracking Dung Beetles.
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The word "crack" (or "krack") is found nowhere in a real pirate's
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name...unless he really knows how to.
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Real pirates' aliases don't sound as if they were extracted from
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the lyrics of an Ozzy Ozbourne song (i.e. Provisioner of Satan,
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Black Avenger, Dark Phantom, etc.).
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Real pirates don't name themselves after heavy metal groups.
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Real pirates, if named after some aspect of pirate legend (i.e.
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Jolly Roger, Captain Hook, Eye Patch, etc.) don't say, "Avast ye
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scurvy dogs," or anything of the like.
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Real pirates' names aren't parodies of other reputable pirates
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(i.e. Resident of Lavender Bag, Mr. Pac Man, Franklin Bandit,
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etc.).
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Real pirates don't name themselves after alcoholic beverages
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(i.e. Jack Daniels, Harvey Wallbanger, Jim Beam, etc.) especially
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when they've never had one.
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Real pirates spell their aliases correctly (unlike "The Poenix").
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Real pirates aren't named Sam Houston, Sir Spanky, The
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Gamemaster, Lord Fagen, Mass Hacker, Sirus Eridani
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(insert your own losers here) or Mr. Copy.
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Real pirates don't get their alias from "Space Vikings"
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WARES
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-----
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Real pirates would never think of deleting "Sabotage". It's too
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much fun imagining those little men are actually Sir Knight.
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Real pirates play "Bilestoad".
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Real pirates have long since deleted "Sneakers", "E.T.", "Alien
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Munchies", "Bug Battle", "Snack Attack", and everything from SSI,
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Avalon Hill, and Scott Adams.
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Real pirates upload. They realize that leeching is the #2 sin
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(behind, of course, being 13 years old).
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Real pirates realize that Penguin aren't really "The Graphics
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People".
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Real pirates feel guilty when pirating Beagle Brothers. Of
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course, that never stops them.
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Real pirates don't believe the morons who say they have Ultima IV
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and Pole Position.
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corollary: Real pirates realize that there is a difference
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between Formula I Racer and Pole Position.
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BOARDS
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------
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Real pirates aren't the fifth to post the same "I have..."
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message.
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corrolary: Real pirates don't post "I have..." messages when they
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really don't have.
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Real pirates don't download programs from public AE's and then
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post "I know it's old, but I have...too" messages on pirate
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boards.
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Real pirates don't post their high scores.
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corollary: Real pirates don't keep score.
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Real pirates don't say "K-K00L", "K-AWESOME", "X10DER", "L8R0N",
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or anything of the sort.
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Real pirates know the difference between "f" and "ph" (i.e.
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"philes", "phuck", "fone", etc.).
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Real pirates don't waste everyone's time backspacing over their
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alias 50 times.
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Real pirates never use text graphics in their messages.
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Real pirates don't care about The Curse BBS's "K-K00L M0DS".
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Real pirates don't search for new ways to spell "WARES".
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Real pirates don't use the last 5 lines of their messages
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bragging about the 8 meaningless organizations that they belong
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to.
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corollary: Real pirates don't belong to SWAPP, DOS/NPG, or
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NASCOMP.
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Real pirates who are GBBS Sysops are proud to have stolen from
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Greg Schaefer.
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Real pirates are satisfied with one exclamation point.
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Real pirates don't call Dial-Your-Match.
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Real pirates never get into "bitch wars" unless, of course, they
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are grinding some 13 year old TI user into the dust.
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TRANSFERS
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---------
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Real pirates don't DFX.
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Real pirates no longer buy Micromodem II's, SSM modemcards, or
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Networker modems.
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corollary: Real pirates buy Apple Cats.
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corollary to the corollary: Real pirates accept the reality
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that 300 baud is dead.
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Real pirates aren't around to trade on Friday or Saturday nights.
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corollary: Real pirates haven't watched Love Boat since they were
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13.
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Real pirates type "BRUN AE" without the spacebar in between.
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Real pirates can get Diskfer/Catsend to work right the first
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time.
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CONCLUSION
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----------
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That's it...for now. Since losers invent new ways to be losers
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every day, expect a "Real Pirate's Guide, Volume 2" very soon.
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If any of you were terribly offended by anything in this file,
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that's your clue to retire from the pirate world. After all, real
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pirates don't get offended by things written in textfiles.
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