324 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
324 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
Real Pirates -- Volume 4
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Real Pirates are at least 15 years old. (old, isn't it? but it remains
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true)
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Real Pirates can, if they have to.
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Real Pirates don't really care what kind of modem they use, because just
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about any kind will work.
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Real Pirates recognize AE 4.3 Prodos as the real useless piece of shit that
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it is.
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corollary: Real Pirates use AE 4.2 exclusively. If they don't have 4.2,
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they improvise.
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corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates know enough 6502 programming to
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improvise.
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Real Pirates play some instrument that can be used in a rock band,
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preferably stringed. (guitar, bass, etc.)
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Real Pirates wear shirts that say: "Frankie says....shut up Madonna" on
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them.
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Real Pirates just don't give a damn.
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Real Pirates who run systems of their own don't force uploads because
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they know that there are enough other real pirates around that they will event
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Real Pirates have Universe side 3 and have had it for a long time.
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corollary: Real Pirates think in 80 columns. (Real Pirates with Ultraterms,
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though, think in 160 columns.
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corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates dream in hi-res.
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Real Pirates who have Apple //es have never used 280 X 192 graphics on
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their machine, only 560 X 192.
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Real Pirates have a ramdrive.
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Real Pirates who run systems don't backspace over their names 50 times
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in the welcome message because they know that the only reason people read
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welcome messages is to find out where the damn drives are.
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Real Pirates have a girlfriend.
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Real Pirates don't even think about calling the ANALOG lines any more
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because there aren't any wares on them, only sext (sex-text) files.
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corollary: Real Pirates don't need to get their thrills from a textfile.
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corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates don't give a shit who "sheryl"
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is.
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Real Pirates don't whine about other people having funny names.
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corollary: Real Pirates call themselves whatever the hell they feel
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like because they know that what they call themselves doesn't diminish their
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abilities any.
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Real Pirates don't brag about their cracking abilities. If they crack
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something, they put their name in ONE title page and start passing it around.
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Real Pirates who get wares that have 10,000 useless title pages "CALL THESE
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RAD AE LINES! CRACKED BY MR. MAXIMUM! FAG OF THE YEAR...." and so on, know
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how to get around them.
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Real Pirates upload.
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corollary: Real Pirates upload FIRST.
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If a system has online lists of what the sysop has and is looking for, Real
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Pirates read them so they don't upload something he already has.
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Real Pirates who run AE lines do so 24 hours a day.
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Real Pirates have 1200 baud.
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corollary: Real Pirates have 1200 baud only because they haven't bought
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a 2400 baud modem yet.
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Real Pirates know that it is only a matter of time before MCI and the
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others clean up their long-distance lines enough to allow 2400 baud
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transfers.
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Real Pirates are not selfish with their phreak codes, just like with
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their wares.
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Real Pirates do not conclude every conversation with "Later", "Later on",
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"Later daze", or anything of the like.
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Although they know how to spell and have impeccable grammar, Real Pirates
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don't start bitching when someone else does it wrong. They just write them off
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mentally as being a hopeless fuck-up.
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Real pirates have a larger vocabulary than just "what's your
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newest?".
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Real Pirates who are sysops do not have idiotic validation procedures that
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take days or weeks. They know that when people call, they want wares, so
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they give them immediate access to the AE part of the system.
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corollary: Real Pirates know that Textfiles are NOT the main reason to
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call systems.
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Real Pirates who live in non-Communist zones read Joe Bob
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Briggs.
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Real Pirates read science fiction.
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corollary: Real Pirates do not refer to science fiction as "sci-fi" because
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they know it's derogatory.
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Real Pirates read Real science fiction by hardcore authors like Isaac
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Asimov, Larry Niven, and David Gerrold, and couldn't care less about
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the fucking Xanth series.
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Well that's it for now. But since the Real Pirate breed is quickly
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becoming contaminated and inbred, keep watch for more of these guides to set
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the record straight. Call your favorite system today and upload any
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ware the sysop needs, it'll be doing him a much-appreciated favor. Finally:
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Real Pirates aren't perfect. If you think you met every qualification in
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this guide, you're just a stuck-up conceited excuse for an asshole and
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should see a doctor to get your ego fixed.
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corollary: Real Pirates are Good Enough.
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The Real Pirate's Guide, Volume 2
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There are lotsa pirates, unfortunately, a vast majority of them
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are morons. For this reason, these "guides" have been assembled to aid in
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the growth and maturity of the younger pirate generation.Which brings
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us to the golden rule of pirating: "REAL PIRATES ARE OVER 15 YEARS OF
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AGE"(exceptions are few, like if one was a beta-tester for Broderbund, we
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could let that slide).
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Real Pirates have long-since deleted Caverns of Freitag," "Mr. Cool,"
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"Trompers," "Jenny of the Prairie," and still couldn't give a sack of dog
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dicks about anything from Avalon Hill, SSI, and especially Scott Adams(AI).
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Corollary: Real Pirates would jump at the chance to "help" Adventure
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International go Chapter 11.
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Real Pirates pirates aren't just "learning assembly." Or even worse,
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"machine language."
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Real Pirates know that Lord British is not the Monarch of any European empire.
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Real Pirates know that "Road Pizza" was either a very good joke, or a very
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bad game.
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When posting a message, Real Pirates can differentiate between: 'z' and 's',
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'ph' and 'f', '2' and 'two', 'u' and 'you', '0' and 'O', '4' and 'for', and
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'x' and 'ks'.
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Corollary to the corollary: Real Pirates aren't constantly searching for
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new ways to spell "WARES".
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Real Pirates use lower case.
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Real Pirates don't use text graphics.
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Real Pirates don't post "I have" messages, when they really don't have.
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Real Pirates aren't too impressed with "spinny" cursors, and turn them off
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upon logging onto such boards.
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Real Pirates don't try to impress others with their superior ability to
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add many carriage returns at the end of a message, thus preventing anyone
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from reading the last few lines.
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Real Pirates, when trading with another Real Pirate, are not concerned
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with matching everything the other pirate sends them. Real Pirates are
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happy to send wares to other Real Pirates simply because they are in the
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same business. (ie. no, "I send you 3 sides, you send me 3 sides")
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Real Pirates don't wait for BBS' to print out their "goodbye" message, they
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hang-up.
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Real Pirates always have a copy of Diskcomm 3.2 handy
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Real Pirates don't end their messages with, "leave e-mail to [xxx xxx]," or
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anything of the sort.
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Corollary: Real Pirates don't respond to such messages, and in no way use
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them as a means to get "new wares."
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Real Pirates aren't found to frequent the local "Bitch Board".
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Real Pirates don't make threats of violence against others through the
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phone lines. After all, how is someone living in Acron, Ohio going to
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"beat the living shit out of" someone living in Waco, Texas? Not through Zap
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Mail, that's for sure.
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Real Pirates know that the disclaimers often stuck in by BBS sysops do little
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more then waste 20-40 bytes of RAM.
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Real Pirates don't post messages telling us what is "old", so they can
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fill some space, thus making it look like they actually had a reason to post
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something relavent.
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Real Pirates don't think it's keen to be able to put '/S' on a line by
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itself, and have it included in the message.
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Real Pirates have a "sixth sense" that tells them which board to post a
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certain message on (ie. no "new wares" messages on the "Famous People Which I
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Have Met" board).
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Real Pirates can spot a Net-Works BBS miles away.
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Real Pirates names aren't parodies of other respectable pirates (ie. The Male
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Nurse of Magenta Bag, Franklin Bandit, 5 1/4" Jockey, etc.).
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Real Pirates names have no association to any type of music whatsoever (ie.
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Green Manalishi, The \ Scorpion,etc.).
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Never is the prefix "Krack", or "Crack" found in a Real Pirates name
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unless they actually can crack, and don't just have one.
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Real Pirates aren't named: The Ace, The Zapman, Lord Fagan, Captain Bly,
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Pac-Rat, The Wrench,The Lumberjack, Mr. Party, The Fly,Happy Hacker, or
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Der Fuhrer.
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When talking with a Real Pirate on the phone, you can be assured of not
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hearing Culture Club or the Pointer Sisters being played stridently in the
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background.
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Real Pirates weren't dissapointed when "Fantasy Island" was cancelled, and
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didn't worry whether or not the Cuban midget would ever get another job.
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Real Pirates would like to see a final episode of "The Love Boat", where Vicky
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absent-mindidly throws a lighted joint next to a propane tank, causing the
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ship to go up in a terrific display of fire and smoke, whilst seeing the heads
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and bodyparts of "your crew" scattered about the water.
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Real Pirates watch "Late Night with David Lettermen."
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Real Pirates just don't give a damn!
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Well, that's it. For now. If you were at all offended by anything in
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this article, that's your que to retire from pirating, because after
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all, Real Pirates aren't offended by things contained in text files.
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Real Preates Guide - Vol III
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The following is a list of what pirate is or isn't. In many cases,
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you will find similar experiences in your own pirate life.
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Real pirates realize that piracy is not a crime; it is the only
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solution. Real pirates do not get paranoid of Sierra On-line's copy
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violation warning: $50,000 fine and/or imprisonment.
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Real pirates don't worship hires pictures. Real pirates can't afford
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Hayes modem because they know it's not worth the money. Real pirates never
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made the mistake of buying a Hayes modem. Real pirates don't try to use
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Disk-fer with their Hayes modem. Real pirates don't pick 'answer' mode in
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Disk-fer simply because they know they they will get their disk first.
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Real pirates can send without recieving. (Give without taking.)
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Real pirates don't get I/O errors on half their disks. Real pirates don't
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use generic disks. Real pirates don't use their apples for testing plant
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growth and temperatures. Real pirates don't replace their fish tank with
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"Fishies."
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Real pirates know what they have in their library. Real pirates don't
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delete something for everything they get. Real pirates don't buy software
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so they can be the first to crack it.
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Real pirates don't waste their money on software because they know
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it's not worth it. Real pirates know that Pole Position for the Apple will
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never come out. Real pirates don't make prank phone calls. Real pirates
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don't advertise their bbs/ae/catsend lines without keeping them up. Real
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pirates run a bbs/ae/catsend line 24 hours a day or they don't run one at
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all. Real pirates have two phone lines. Real pirates realize that they
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asked for it when they get a call for their bbs/ae/catsend line at the wrong
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time of the day. Real pirates know that the South Pole is located in the
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U.S.A.
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Real pirates don't put their name and numbers on other pirate's wares.
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Real pirates don't put their friends names on a crack just to make
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him/her/it well-known. Real pirates not pollute their wares with numerous
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names, groups and numbers. Real pirates do not update their whole
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system and collection to Prodos. Real pirates never run out of disk space.
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Real pirates don't trade their Apple II/II+/IIe in for a IIc. Real pirate
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don't bug other pirates for "new wares."
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Real pirates don't freak out when they meet a female pirate. Real
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pirates are not conceited. Real pirates don't make mommy buy the blank
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disks. Real pirates know how to spell. Real pirates don't play Stickybear ABC.
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Real pirates are not racists. Real pirates do not hang out on homo-sexual
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based bbs's. Real pirates can find in their collection what they know they
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have. Real pirates are not in a hurry to collect all of the Trillium shit.
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Real pirates have alternate ways of copying Time Zone other than by modem.
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Real pirates don't turn a file into a full disk so they can slap their tacky
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title page on to it.
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Real pirates don't join groups so they can become well-known. Real
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pirates don't need a reason to have access to a certain board or bbs. Real
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pirates do not brag to computer illiterates that they can break into
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banks, etc. now with their new modem when they know they can't. Real
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pirates don't waste their time and money driving miles to see other
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pirates. Real pirates do not brag of their alcohol/drug use; sexual desire
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and experiences; and or suicide attempts.
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Real pirates do not know how many disks they have, and do not care to
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hear the notion of how many disks that another pirate has. Real pirates don't
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make obnoxious noises, sounds, moans, groans, and tones while on a conference
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line. Real pirates don't get other pirates in trouble. Real pirates don't
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bill other pirates. (Unless he/she/it has done the same to you.) Real pirates
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don't spend their life typing in text-files. (Which is why this one is
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almost done.) Real pirates do not have to read files like this one, they know
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what they are already.
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