106 lines
3.7 KiB
Plaintext
106 lines
3.7 KiB
Plaintext
From: qralston@gl.pitt.edu (James Ralston Crawford)
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Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
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Subject: Michelangelo Virus Hysteria Syndrome
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Keywords: topical, original, chuckle, computer
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Message-ID: <S3a4.56a3@looking.on.ca>
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Date: 6 Mar 92 17:20:08 GMT
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Lines: 94
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Approved: funny@clarinet.com
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MICHELANGELO VIRUS HYSTERIA SYNDROME
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Mass hysteria about a virus named "Michelangelo" has been
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spreading rapidly in MS-DOS-based personal computer users around the
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world. This scare is "triggered" each year slightly before March 6,
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Michelangelo's birthday. No one is immune... people ranging from
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university students to the staff of _Nightline_ have been affected.
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According to various psychologists, the Michelangelo Virus
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hysteria is spread though almost any media channel... written,
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electronic, oral, computer networks, or on-line services. Once a
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person is "infected", he will attempt to automatically spread the
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hysteria to every person he sees. The hysteria also corrupts base
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reasoning and logic, so loss of common sense is often a symptom. This
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is unfortunate, since the hysteria can be eliminated at any time with
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common sense. This means that ONCE ACTIVATED, the hysteria cannot be
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easily removed; the easiest thing to do is to let it dissipate
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naturally on March 7.
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There have been numerous known occurrences of this hysteria at
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the University of Pittsburgh's campus. This has been caused by
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saturated distribution of virus protection and detection software, and
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repeated and redundant email messages.
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We advise you NOT to attempt to trick people into believing
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that March 6 has already passed in order to avoid the hysteria. (Even
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though we tell you about 3 paragraphs later that we tried it anyway.)
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The Michelangelo virus hysteria displays pronounced symptoms,
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which makes it easy to detect. Some possible symptoms of this virus
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hysteria include, but are not limited to...
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1. Running virus-checking runs 6,000 times (per disk.)
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2. Sending repeated and redundant email messages.
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3. Sending repeated and redundant email messages.
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4. Sending repeated and redundant email messages.
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5. Photocopying 50,000 flyers and distributing them in every possible
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location on campus.
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6. Irrational fear/paranoia of or destructive behavior towards
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computers. (Pushing them off of rooftops, etc.)
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7. Using typewriters.
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In addition, Dr. Ima Quak of the Bureau of Useless and Lame
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Laws advises that "we have determined that this hysteria seems to have
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an almost annual cycle to it. Perhaps this can help us in detecting
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it."
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Any person that is not infected and has common sense can also
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detect the Michelangelo Virus hysteria.
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SOLUTION
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There are many trained psychologists that can detect and/or
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remove the Michelangelo virus hysteria. However, these steps are
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usually not necessary. The following techniques have been used to
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combat the hysteria:
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1. Vigorous shaking and/or slapping.
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2. Large quantities of cold water (a fire hose, for example.)
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3. Avoiding watching _Nightline_.
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4. Accurate, brief, and non-redundant information.
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Rest assured that some steps *are* being taken to help prevent
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this hysteria. In fact, just yesterday University of Pittsburgh
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Chancellor J. Dennis O'Connor approved $82,000 to form a committee to
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appoint a committee to call a meeting to look into the matter.
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FOR MORE INFORMATION
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Watch for future bulletins.
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If you believe you might be infected with the Michelangelo
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virus hysteria, please slap yourself once or twice, and ask someone to
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hose you down with a fire hose.
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--
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James Ralston Crawford
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--
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Selected by Brad Templeton. MAIL your joke (jokes ONLY) to funny@clarinet.com.
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Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. A Daemon will auto-reply.
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Remember: Only ONE joke per submission. Extra jokes may be rejected.
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