381 lines
16 KiB
Plaintext
381 lines
16 KiB
Plaintext
From lindberg@cs.chalmers.se Wed Jun 28 10:59:22 1989
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From: lindberg@cs.chalmers.se (Gunnar Lindberg)
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Subject: Computer Dictionary
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I picked this one up from a mailing list (initial sender unknown).
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Hopefully I don't break copyright law by republishing it.
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Gunnar Lindberg, lindberg@cs.chalmers.se
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====================================================================
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Tonkin's First Computer Dictionary Page 1
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Acknowledgements to Bruce Tonkin, T.N.T. Software Inc., 34069 Haines-
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ville Road, Round Lake, IL, 60073 (312)-223-8595, for his article in Dec
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'87 COMPUTERPEOPLE Monthly, from which this is copied. This file may be
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freely distributed, but not for profit, etc.
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Advanced: (adj.) doesn't work yet, but it's pretty close. See: bug, glitch.
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Analyst: (n.) one who writes programs and doesn't trust them. A cynic.
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Assembler: (n.) a minor program of interest only to obsessed programmers.
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BASIC: (n.) a computer one-word oxymoron.
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BBS: (n.) a system for connecting computers and exchanging gossip, facts, and
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uninformed speculation under false names.
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Benchmark: (n.) a test written ostensibly to compare hardware or software,
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but actually used by manufacturers to misinterpret or quote out of
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context in advertisements.
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Binary: (n.) a two-valued logic especially susceptible to glitches and
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bugs. It originated as a way of counting on the thumbs, since programming
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managers usually find fingers far too confusing. See: Hexadecimal, Octal.
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Bug: (n.) any program feature not yet described to the marketing department.
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Bus: (n.) a connector you plug money into, something like a slot machine.
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Byte: (n.) eight bits, or one dollar (in 1950 terms). Presently worth about
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two-tenths of a cent and falling fast.
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C: (n.) the language following A and B. The world still awaits D and E. By
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Z, it may be acceptable for general use.
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Chip: (n.) a stylized picture of a logic diagram on refined and alloyed
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sand. See: glitch, bug.
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COBOL: (n.) an old computer language, designed to be read and not run.
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Unfortunately, it is often run anyway.
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Code: (n.) a means of concealing bugs favored by programmers. (v.) the
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process of concealing bugs by programming.
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Cookie: (n.) any recondite message displayed by a time-shared system. the
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message is not often seen, because it only appears when the system is
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operating properly. Common cookies include the timeless "Murphy was an
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optimist" and "When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and
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shout."
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Copy Protection: (n.) a means of circumventing various rights granted by
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the Constitution so as to artificially inflate profits.
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Tonkin's First Computer Dictionary Page 2
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CPU: (n.) acronym for Central Purging Unit. A device which discards or dis-
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torts data sent to it, sometimes returning more data and sometimes merely
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over-heating.
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Crash: (v.) to terminate a program in the usual fashion, i.e. by locking up
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the computer of setting a fire at the printer. (n.) the process of such
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termination.
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Data: (n.) raw information, esp. that supplied to the central purging unit
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for transformation and disposal.
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Data Base Manager: (n.) any fast filing system which gives misleading
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answers. Also see: menu, bug.
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Diagnostic: (n.) a test foolishly but often believed to determine the
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reason for a particular failure. Competent professionals prefer the I
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Ching or phrenology.
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Digital: (adj.) of or pertaining to the fingers, esp. to counting on them.
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See: Binary, Hexadecimal, Octal.
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Documentation: (n.) a novel sold with software, designed to entertain the
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operator during episodes of bugs or glitches.
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DOS: (n.) Acronym. a program which outputs questions given answers, putting
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users in jeopardy.
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Emulate: (v.) to simulate hardware glitches with software bugs. Emulator:
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(n.) a program which emulates. See: Virtual.
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Engineer: (v.) to build something with bugs (software) or glitches (hard-
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ware). (n.) One who engineers.
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Format: (v.) to erase irrevocably and unintentionally. (n.) The process of
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such erasure.
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Forth: (n.) a stack-oriented programming language written right to left and
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read from bottom to top. It runs efficiently on no common computers and is
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written effectively by no common programmers.
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FORTRAN: (n.) an ancient programming language which changed IF's to GOTO's
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by using a strange three-valued logic on binary computers.
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Glitch: (n.) an undocumented design feature, esp. of hardware.
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GOTO: (n.) an efficient and general way of controlling a program, much des-
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pised by academics and others whose brains have been ruined by over-
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exposure to Pascal. See: Pascal.
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Hard Disk: (n.) a rapidly spinning platter divided into sectors. See:
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Sector, Glitch, Bug.
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Tonkin's First Computer Dictionary Page 3
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Hardware: (n.) anything prone to physical failure.
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Head: (n.) the part of a disk drive which detects sectors and decides which
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of the two possible values to return: 'lose a turn' or 'bankrupt.'
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Hexadecimal: (adj.) of or referring to base-16 numbers - binary numbers
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grouped four digits at a time so as to quadruple the opportunity for
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glitches and bugs. Originated as a means of counting on the fingers of
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one hand, using the thumb for the 'carry.' Purists who don't like to use
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the thumb at all prefer 'octal.' See: Octal, Binary.
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Icon: (n.) a complex, blurry, and easily-misinterpreted pictorial represent-
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ation of a single unambiguous word. Preferred by illiterates and semi-
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literates for these reasons, and by others because it slows most computers
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down so even a cretin with an IQ of 53 may justly feel superior.
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Increment: (v.) to increase by one, except when segments are used; then, the
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increase may be by sixteen unless word mode addressing is used in which
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case the increase is by one or two, depending on the processor and whether
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the address is on an even boundary or such increase causes an overflow
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exception processor fault, which may either cause the program to crash or
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decrease by a large number instead of increase, depending the register
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used and the operation being attempted.
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Iterate: (v.) to repeat an action for a potentially and often actually in-
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finite number of times.
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Joystick: (n.) a device essential for performing business tasks and training
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exercises esp. favored by pilots, tank commanders, riverboat gamblers, and
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medieval warlords.
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K: (n., adj.) a binary thousand, which isn't a decimal thousand or even
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really a binary thousand (which is eight), but is the binary number
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closest to a decimal thousand. This has proven so completely confusing
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that is has become a standard.
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Kernal: (n.) a misspelling of 'kernel' used by beginning (functionally
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illiterate) programmers, especially those with some knowledge of C.
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Kernel: (n.) the core of a program, i.e. the source of all errors. Thus the
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common misspelling, 'kernal.'
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Keyboard: (n.) a device used by programmers to write software for a mouse or
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joystick and by operators for playing games such as 'word processing.'
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Kludge: (v., adj., or n.) to fix a program in the usual way.
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Leading Edge: (n., adj.) anything which uses advanced technology. See:
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Advanced.
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Tonkin's First Computer Dictionary Page 4
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License: (n.) a covenant which tells the buyer that nothing has been pur-
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chased and that no refund, support, advice, or instruction may be
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anticipated and that no resale is permitted. A modern way of saying
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"Thanks for all your money and goodbye," far less crude than "Stick 'em
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up" but even more effective since the purchaser will often borrow the
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funds requested.
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Logic: (n.) a system of determining truth or falsity, implication or
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exclusion, by means of a sort of binary Oneiromancy.
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Loop: (n., v.) 1. a series of instructions to be iterated. 2. the process of
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iterating them. Most loops are unintentional and can be quite droll.
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Macro: (n.) a series of keystrokes used to simulate a missing but essential
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command.
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Megabyte: (n.) more than you can comprehend and less than you'll need. See:
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UNIX.
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Megahertz: (n.) a way of measuring how well your computer matches the fre-
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quency of your local television channels. Most computers perform exception-
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ally well on this test, especially the higher-quality foreign-made ones.
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Menu: (n.) any list of choices, each of which is either unsatisfactory or in
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some fashion contradictory.
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Micro-: (prefix) anything both very small and very expensive.
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Mode: (n.) a way of forcing glitch or bug.
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Modem: (n., v.) a device used to connect computers (see: BBS) or the process
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of transmitting data between or among computers, esp. for those unable or
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unwilling to speak.
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Monitor: (n.) a sort of television with exceptionally poor picture quality
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and limited to a single very local station.
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Motherboard: (n.) the hardware version of the software 'kernel.'
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Mouse: (n.) an input device used by management to force computer users to
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keep at least a part of their desks clean.
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Nano-: (prefix) a thousandth of a thousandth, but not a binary thousandth in
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either case. Decimal is used for all very small measurements since no
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further confusion is necessary.
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Octal: (n.) a base-8 counting system designed so that one hand may count upon
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the fingers of the other. Thumbs are not used, and the index finger is
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reserved for the 'carry.'
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Offset: (n.) a method which permits access to any memory location in thou-
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sands of ways, each of which appears different but is not. Used with seg-
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ments. See: Segment.
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Tonkin's First Computer Dictionary Page 5
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Operator: (n.) 1. One who has no experience with computers. 2. Any beginner,
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esp. one part of whose salary is paid in soft drinks and processed salted
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food treated with dangerous and illegal drugs or preservatives. Differs
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from a programmer in that a programmer will often take the dangerous and
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illegal drugs or preservatives directly.
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Pascal: (n.) a classroom project which was released before it could be
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graded - probably a good idea, considering. One wishes the University had
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had a better system of academic controls.
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Patch: (v.) to fix a program by changing bytes according to the rules of
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logic. (n.) Any repair of this form.
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Pirate: (v., n.) to steal software, or one who is such a thief. True pirates
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see nothing wrong with thievery, having successfully forgotten or repressed
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all moral values.
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Pop: (v.) to remove from an area of memory naively thought to be the stack in
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a futile attempt to keep a program running.
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Portable: (adj.) that which can be physically moved more than a hundred yards
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by an unaided olympic athlete without permanent damage to that individual
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more than 50% of the time.
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Printer: (n.) a small box attached to a computer and used to start fires in
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cold weather.
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Procedure: (n.) a method of performing a program sub-task in an inefficient
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way by extensively using the stack instead of a GOTO. See: Pascal and C.
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Processor: (n.) a device for converting sense to nonsense at the speed of
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electricity, or (rarely) the reverse.
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Program: (n.) that which manipulates symbols rapidly with unforseen results.
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Also: a bug's way of perpetuating bugs.
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Programmer: (n.) 1. one who writes programs and trusts them. An optimist. 2.
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Any employee who needs neither food nor sleep but exists on large quanti-
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ties of caffeine, nicotine, sucrose, and machine-vended preservatives
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thinly disguised as foodstuffs.
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Programming Language: (n.) a shorthand way of describing a series of bugs to
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a computer or a programmer.
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Prompt: (n.) a computer request for a random operator error. Also a game
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where the computer plays the part of Vanna White and the operator, a
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contestant. There are no prizes for winning.
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Push: (v.) to put into an area of memory believed to be the stack for the
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ostensible purpose of later retrieval. Tonkin's rule: In any program there
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are always more 'pushes' than 'pops.' See: Recursion.
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Tonkin's First Computer Dictionary Page 6
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Quantum leap: (adj.) literally, to move by the smallest amount theoretically
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possible. In advertising, to move by the largest leap imaginable (in the
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mind of the advertiser). There is no contradiction.
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Recursion: (n.) a programming method which tests the limits of available
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memory in an iterative way by using the stack. When the program fails, all
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memory has been used. Memorize this definition, then see: Recursion.
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Register: (n.) a part of the central purging unit used to distort or destroy
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incoming data by arbitrary rules. See: Increment.
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Relational: (adj.) purchased from, or sold to, blood kin. See: True relational.
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Sector: (n.) a disk arc on which is inscribed 'lose a turn' or 'bankrupt.'
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See: Hard disk, Head, Glitch.
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Segment: (n.) a way of restricting or complicating access to memory in an
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attempt to break a programmer's will to live. Outlawed by both the
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A.S.P.C.A and the U.N. but still practiced in some backward areas of the
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world. See: Offset.
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Software: (n.) anything other than hardware. That which hardware manufact-
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urers can blame for physical failures.
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Sort: (v.) to order a list of data in such a way as to destroy all relation-
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ships between the items. (n.) The process which accomplishes this, esp. if
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it takes a very long time.
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Source Code: (n.) a record of a programmer's thought for a period of time. A
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stream-of-consciousness novel or short story.
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Spreadsheet: (n.) a way of forcing repeatable answers from insufficient data
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for superficial purposes. Also, a game played during office hours by bored
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or restless yuppies.
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Stack: (n.) any area of memory which grows and eventually destroys both code
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and data. (v.) To place in such an area.
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Standard: (n., adj.) a design target which manufacturers may embellish,
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improve upon, or ignore as they wish, so long as it can be used profitably
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in their advertising.
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Transportable: (adj.) said of software - that which can be put on a new
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machine in less time than it took to write in the first place. Said of
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hardware - that which can theoretically be moved more than ten feet in one
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minute by some combination of machinery or explosives. The meanings are
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equivalent.
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Truly relational: (adj.) relational, but where the paternity is indubitable.
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Tonkin's First Computer Dictionary Page 7
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TSR: (n.) acronym for Terminate and Stay Resident. A way of turning a useless
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computer with plenty of memory into a computer with no memory at all.
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Turbo-: (prefix) computer software which uses air under pressure (supplied by
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a special fan) to achieve high performance.
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User-friendly: (adj.) trivialized, slow, incapable, and boring. See: Icon,
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Mouse.
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UNIX: (n., v.) a DOS which needs more memory than you have and run more slow-
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ly than you can bear. To UNIX: to grossly enlarge and slow down out of all
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proportion, esp. by using C.
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User: (n.) one who knows from experience that programs cannot be trusted. A
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realist.
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Vendor: (n.) a manufacturer's lackey.
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Virtual: (adj.) emulated. See: Emulate.
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Warranty: (n.) a list of vendor's promises with carefully-worded exceptions
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which cancel each of the promises in turn. See: License.
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Windowing: (n., adj.) a way of making a large and easily-read display into
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many small, cluttered, and confusing ones.
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Word Processor: (n.) A program which makes a $5,000 computer into a $250
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typewriter. A computer game for beginning operators.
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WORM: (n.) acronym for Write Once, Read Mangled. Used to describe a normally-
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functioning computer disk of the very latest design.
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XYZZY: (n.) a common user prompt.
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Yarrow: (n.) kind of stalks used by computer diagnosticians when performing
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the ritual of the I Ching. See: Diagnostics.
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Zaxxon: (n.) a sophisticated simulation and design program used by the
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brightest programmers to test the consistency of internal logic and memory.
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Management prefers to use games such as 'spreadsheet' for the same purpose.
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====================================================================
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