217 lines
7.5 KiB
Groff
217 lines
7.5 KiB
Groff
Machine Room Operations
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Recently someone called me from one of the "Out on the Floor Offices", an
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ethereal place rumored to exist only in hyperspace, populated by mysterious
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beings called Users.
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She was quite frantic. She was having trouble running a program through the
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computer, and her message was clear enough, although rather ill-conceived:
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"MY FILES ARE FULL!"
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I furrowed my brow, lit a smoke, and explained to her, "Really now, Miss
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Butterman, I don't have time for this." I slowly exhaled the menthol vapors as
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I stopped her process, crushing any hopes she may have had of ever again seeing
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that document she had spent three hours slaving over.
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"I was typing this REALLY important letter, and it HAS to be ready in
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an hour... there's all this stuff on my screen that I didn't type...
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it says something about an error, should I read it to you?"
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"No point. Just press return."
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"Oh my, it wants my username. Can I restart that where I left off?"
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"Not a chance." I drew another puff and tossed the phone aside. It
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occurred to me that if I had to hear one more of those whining
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complaint sessions, heads were going to roll. Where do you people GET
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this stuff? I'm going to tell you what's really going on here. Now
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LISTEN UP. I'm not going over this a second time:
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Computer
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The black box that does your work for you. That's all you need to
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know.
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Response Time
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Usually measured in nanoseconds; sometimes measured in calendar
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months. The general rule is: Shut up your complaining about response
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time.
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Hardware
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See "Computer." Again, not your concern.
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Software
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If we want you to know, we'll tell you about it, otherwise, leave us
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alone.
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Network
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Don't worry about it, we'll take care of it. Use it to send mail
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among your half-wit selves, and don't think we won't read it all.
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What do you think we do all day? By the way , Butterman... shame
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about your mother's Pancreas.
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Data
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The general rule is: Don't use any data files and if you find any,
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delete them before I find out about them. In fact, just stay off the
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computer. (See "Response Time")
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System Crash
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Don't ever call the system manager to tell him you think the computer
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is down. Don't call him to ask him when it will be up again. The
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more you bother him, the longer it takes.
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Downtime
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Like I said, don't ask
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Uptime
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Be thankful for it, use it wisely, and get out of my face
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Overtime
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Don't be ridiculous.
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Vacation
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A time during which I don't have to put up with your sniveling. Don't
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try calling. There's no point.
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Computer Room
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Keep out, you're not invited. Don't knock on the door -- don't even
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think about it. I broke the phone last time one of you jerks called
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me, and I'm not about to replace it. And keep your greasy fingers off
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the windows.
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My Office
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The name says it all... it's mine; stay out.
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Your Problems
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The name says it all...
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Deadlines
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The general rule is: Deadlines are not acknowledged by me; they're
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not my responsibility. Go tell someone who cares.
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Maintenance
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a) A valid reason for shutting down the system at any time.
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b) Much more important than anything any of you bozos do.
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c) Anything I choose to call "maintenance" is maintenance.
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Software Upgrades
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Far too complex for you to comprehend. If I tell you I'm upgrading
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the system, just be quietly thankful. It's for your own good, even if
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it does mean extensive downtime during peak hours.
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Electronic Mail
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I delete it before it's read, so don't bother sending any to me.
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Defaults
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We like them just like they are; we chose them for a reason. Don't
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mess with them; consider them mandatory.
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Error Messages
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I'm not interested. I'm going to kill your process anyway, so keep
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them to yourself.
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Killing your Process
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a) Don't ever ask why
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b) Beyond your control
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c) No warnings are given
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d) The highlight of my day
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e) If you call, it's going to happen. No exceptions.
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Passwords
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I reserve the right to change them without notice at any time. I choose
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them, and the more you bother me, the more degrading yours will be.
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(Example: BUTTERMAN: SNOTFACE)
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Users
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a) They slow down the computer
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b) They waste my time
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c) A general nuisance
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d) Worse than that, actually
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Software Modifications
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You don't know what you want -- we'll tell you what you want. It stays
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like it is. Period.
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Privileges
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I've got them, you don't need them. Enough said.
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Priority
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Mine is higher than yours, accept it. That's the reason my games run
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faster than your lousy accounting package. (See "Response Time")
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Terminals
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Before calling me with a terminal problem, consider this:
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a) Are you prepared to do without one for weeks?
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b) Do you REALLY want your process killed?
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c) Did you just trip over the cord again?
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d) Of course you did.
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Disk Space
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I set the quotas, you live with them. If you need more space, check
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"Data Files".
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Operator
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I hired him and I trained him. He does what I tell him to. Usually
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armed; always dangerous.
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Backups
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A good idea if I gave a shit, which of course I don't.
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Lunch
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The only time that calling my office won't result in the killing of
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your process.
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Data Security
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That's your problem. I'm certainly not going to lose any sleep over
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it. My files are locked up tight. I feel secure.
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Jiffy
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Length of time it takes me to resolve your problem by killing your
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process.
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Eternity
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Length of time it takes me to give a shit about any problem that can't
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be resolved by killing your process.
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Impossible
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a) It can't be done (as far as you know)
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b) I can't be bothered
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c) You're starting to annoy me
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Inevitable
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a) Couldn't have been avoided
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b) Not my fault (as far as you know)
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c) The result of annoying me
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Menus
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If it's not on the menu, don't ask for it. It's not available. If it is
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on the menu, it's probably of no use or it doesn't work. We're working
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on it (See "Eternity").
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Utilities
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I find them quite useful, you'll find them quite inaccessible. Besides,
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they're not on your menu, are they. What did I tell you about that?
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Nuisance
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You.
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Of course, I reserve the right to add, change, or remove anything from the
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above list. I'm not asking you to accept these matters without question, I'm
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telling you.
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Now that we all know where we stand, I'm sure there'll be no future problems.
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If you have any questions or comments please feel free to keep them to yourself.
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If you feel the need for more information, I highly recommend that you ask
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someone else
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Sincerely,
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The System Manager
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P.S. The new disk quota of 30 blocks per user became effective yesterday.
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Anyone caught exceeding the quota will lose their accounts (this means
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you, Butterman!)
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