83 lines
3.6 KiB
Plaintext
83 lines
3.6 KiB
Plaintext
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Real Programmers ...
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Don't eat quiche. Real programmers don't even know how to spell Quiche. They
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like Twinkies, Coke, and palate-scorching Szechwan food.
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Don't write application programs. They program right down to the bare metal.
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Application programs are for dullards who can't do system programming.
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Don't write specs. Users should be grateful for whatever they get. They are
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lucky to get any program at all.
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Don't comment their code. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to under-
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stand and even harder to modify.
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Don't draw flowcharts. Flowcharts are, after all, the illiterate's form of
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documentation. Cavemen drew flowcharts; look how much it did for them.
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Don't read manuals. Reliance on a reference is a hallmark of the novice and
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the coward.
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Don't use Cobol. Cobol is for wimpy application programmers.
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Don't use Fortran. Fortran is for wimpy engineers who wear white socks pipe
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stress freaks, and crystallography weenies. They get excited over finite state
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analysis and nuclear reactor simulation.
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Don't use PL/1. PL/1 is for insecure momma's boys who can't choose between
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Cobol and Fortran.
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Don't use BASIC. In fact, *no* programmers use BASIC after reaching puberty.
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Don't use APL, unless the whole program can be written on one line.
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Don't use LISP. Only effeminate programmers use more parentheses than actual
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code.
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Don't use Pascal, Bliss, ADA or any of those sissy-pinko computer science
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languages. Strong typing is a crutch for people with weak memories.
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Never work 9 to 5. If any real programmers are around at 9 a.m. it's because
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they were up all night.
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Don't play tennis or any other sport which requires a change of clothes.
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Mountain climbing is ok, and real programmers often wear climbing boots to work
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in case a mountain should suddenly spring up in the middle of the machine room.
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Disdain structured programming. Structured programming is for compulsive, pre-
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maturely toilet-trained neurotics who wear neckties and carefully line up
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sharpened pencils on an otherwise uncluttered desk.
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Don't like the team programming concept. Unless, of course, they are the Chief
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Programmer.
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Have no use for managers. Managers are a necessary evil. Managers are for
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dealing with personnel bozos, bean counters, senior planners and other mental
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defectives.
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Scorn floating point arithmetic. The decimal point was invented for pansy bed-
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wetters who are unable to "think big."
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Don't drive clapped-out Mavericks. They prefer BMWs, Lincolns or pick-up
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trucks with floor shifts. Fast motorcycles are highly regarded.
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Don't believe in schedules. Planners make up schedules. Managers "firm up"
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schedules. Frightened coders strive to make schedules. Real programmers
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ignore schedules.
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Like vending machine popcorn. Coders pop it in the microwave oven. Real pro-
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grammers use the heat given off by the cpu. They can tell what job is running
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just by listening to the rate of popping.
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Know every nuance of every instruction and use them all in every read program.
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Puppy architects won't allow execute instructions to address another execute as
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the target instruction. Real programers despise such petty restrictions.
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Don't bring brown bag lunches to work. If the vending machine sells it, they
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eat it. If the vending machine doesn't sell it, they don't eat it. Vending
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machines don't sell quiche.
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( end of file )
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