340 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
340 lines
13 KiB
Plaintext
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=============================================================================
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Humorous Tidbits #6:
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Computer Languages
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From The Enforcer & friends
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=============================================================================
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Babbage - The Language of the Future
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Babbage is based on language elements that were discovered after the design
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of ADA was completed. For instance, C. A. R. Hare, in his 1980 Turing Award
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lecture, told of two ways of constructing a software design
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"One way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies
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and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
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deficiencies."
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The designers of Babbage have chosen a third alternative - a language
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that has only obvious deficiencies. Babbage programs are so unreliable
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that maintenance can begin before system integration is completed. This
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guarantees a steady increase in the DP job marketplace.
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Structured languages banned GOTOs and multiway conditional branches by
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replacing them with the simpler IF-THEN-ELSE structure. Babbage has a
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number of new conditional statements that act like termites in the
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structure of your program.
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WhatIf - Used in simulation. Branches before evaluating test
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______ conditions.
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OrElse - Conditional threat as in : "Add these two numbers
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______ OR ELSE !"
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WhyNot - Executes the code that follows in a devil-may-care
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______ Fashion.
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WhoElse - Used for polling during I/O operations.
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_______
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Elsewhere - This is where your program really is when you think
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_______ its here.
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GoingGoingGone - For writing unstructured programs. Takes a random
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______________ branch to another part of your program.
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Does the work of 10 GOTOs.
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For years, programming languages have used "For", "Do Until",
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"Do While", etc. to mean "loop". Continuing with this trend,
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Babbage offers the following loop statements :
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Don't Do While Not - This loop is not executed if the test condition
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__________________ is not false (or if it's Friday afternoon) .
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Didn't Do - The loop executes once and hides all traces.
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_________
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Can't Do - The looped is pooped.
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________
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Won't Do - The CPU halts because it doesn't like the code inside
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________ the loop. Execution can be resumed by typing "May I"
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at the console.
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Might Do - Depends on how the CPU is feeling. Executed if the CPU is
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________ "up", not executed if the CPU is "down", or if it feelings
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are hurt.
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Do Unto Others - Used to write the main loop for timesharing systems
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______________ so that they will antagonize all users in a uniform
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manner.
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DOWAH - Used to write timing loops for computer-generated music.
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_____
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Every self-respecting structured language has a case statement to
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implement multiway branching.Algol offers an indexed case statement
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and Pascal has a labelled case statement. Not much of a choice.
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Babbage offer a variety of case statements :
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Just-In-Case STMT - For handling afterthoughts and fudge factors.
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_________________ Allows you to multiply by zero to correct for
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accidentally dividing by zero.
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The Brief Case STMT - To encourage portable software.
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___________________
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The Open & Shut Case STMT - No proof of correctness is necessary
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_________________________
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The In Any Case STMT - This one always works.
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____________________
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The Hopeless Case STMT - This one never works.
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______________________
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The Basket Case STMT - A really hopeless case.
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____________________
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The Babbage Language Design Group is continuously evaluating
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new features that will keep it users from reaching any level of
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effectiveness. For instance, Babbage's designers are now considering the
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Almost Equals Sign used for comparing two floating point numbers. This new
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feature "takes the worry out of even being close".
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NEW LANGUAGES COMPETE WITH APL
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A Usually Reliable Source
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Digital Equipment Corporation
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Somewhere in New England
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APL, BASIC, FORTRAN, COBOL,... these programming languages are well
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known and (more or less) well loved throughout the computer industry.
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There are numerous other languages, however, that are less well known
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yet still have ardent devotees. In fact, these little-known languages
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generally have the most fanatic admirers. For those who wish to know
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more about these obscure languages -- and why they are obscure -- I
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present the following catalog.
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SIMPLE
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SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming
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Linguistic Environment. This language, developed at Hanover College
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for Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write
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code with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to
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BEGIN, END, and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you
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can't make a syntax error.
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Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. They thus achieve the
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results of programs written in other languages without the tedious,
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frustrating process of testing and debugging.
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SLOBOL
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SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
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Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
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compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
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coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
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sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
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compile.
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VALGOL
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From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando
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Valley, VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the
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industry.
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VALGOL commands include REALLY, LIKE, WELL, and Y*KNOW. Variables
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are assigned with the =LIKE and =TOTALLY operators. Other operators
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include the California Booleans, FERSURE and NOWAY. Repetitions of
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code are handled in FOR - SURE loops. Here is a sample VALGOL program:
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LIKE Y*KNOW (I MEAN) START
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IF PIZZA =LIKE BITCHEN AND
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B =LIKE TUBULAR AND
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C =LIKE GRODY**MAX
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THEN
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FOR I =LIKE 1 TO OH MAYBE 100
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DO WAH - (DITTY**2)
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BARF(I) =TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
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SURE
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LIKE BAG THIS PROBLEM
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REALLY
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LIKE TOTALLY(Y*KNOW)
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VALGOL is characterized by its unfriendly error messages. For example,
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when the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the
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message:
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GAG ME WITH A SPOON!
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LAIDBACK
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Historically, VALGOL is a derivative of LAIDBACK, which was developed
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at the (now defunct) Marin County Center for T'ai Chi, Mellowness, and
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Computer Programming, as an alternative to the intense atmosphere in
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nearby Silicon Valley.
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The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
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while they worked. Unfortunately, few programmers could survive there
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for long, since the center outlawed pizza and RC Cola in favor of bean
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curd and Perrier.
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Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a
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gentle and nonthreatening language. For example, LAIDBACK responded to
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syntax errors with the message:
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SORRY MAN, I CAN'T DEAL BEHIND THAT.
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SARTRE
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Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
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unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just
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are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.
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SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed and are no fun at
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parties.
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FIFTH
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FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
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refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
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JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM, and
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BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
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CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, BOURBON, CANADIAN, and
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WHATEVERSAROUND.
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The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication
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and financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect
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include VSOP, LAFITE, and WAITER'S(RECOMMENDATION). The GUTTER
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dialect instead has commands for THUNDERBIRD, RIPPLE, and HOUSE(RED).
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The GUTTER dialect is a particular favorite of frustrated FORTH
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programmers who end up using this language.
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C-
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This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
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submitted it as a project in a graduate programming class. C- is best
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described as a "low-level" programming language. In general, the
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langauge requires more C- statements than machine-code instructions
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to execute a given task. In this respect it is very similar to COBOL.
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LITHP
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This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence
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of an "S" in its character set. Programmers must substitute "TH".
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LITHP is said to be useful in prothething lithtth.
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DOGO
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Developed at the Massachusetts Institute of Obedience Training, DOGO
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heralds a new era of computer-literate pets. DOGO commands include
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SIT, STAY, HEEL, and ROLL OVER. An innovative feature of DOGO is
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"puppy graphics", a small cocker spaniel that occasionally leaves
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deposits as he travels across the screen.
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Here are some thoughts from Dijkstra article "How Do We Tell Truths that
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Might Hurt?" in his book "Selected Writings on Computing" (Springer
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Verlag, 1982):
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FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is
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hopelessly inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind
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today: it is now too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
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PL/I --"the fatal disease"--belongs more to the problem set than to the
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solution set.
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It is practically impossible to teach good programming to students that
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have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are
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mentally mutilated beyond hope or regeneration.
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The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
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regarded as a criminal offense.
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APL is a mistake, carried through to perfection. It is the language of
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the future for the programming techniques of the past:it creates a new
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generation of coding bums.
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The problems of business administration in general and database
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management in particular are much too difficult for people that think in
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IBMerese, compounded with sloppy English.
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About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a
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blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes
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instead.
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We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession, on the
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technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and, mainly, one
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computer manufacturer.
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The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing
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systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.
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In the good old days physicists repeated each other's experiments, just
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to be sure. Today they stick to FORTRAN, so that they can share each
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other's programs, bugs included.
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3 Biggest Software Lies:
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- The program's fully tested and bugfree.
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- We're working on the documentation.
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- Of course we can modify it.
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3 Biggest Computer Room Lies:
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- As long as you remember to 'SAVE' your input, you'll never lose
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any files.
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- We run the stuff through as fast as it comes in the door.
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- The new machines on order.
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3 Biggest Large Company Lies:
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- We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
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- People are our greatest resource.
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- We say 'let the marketplace decide'.
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3 Biggest Small Company Lies:
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- We have an entrepreneurial spirit here.
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- The boss is just one of the guys.
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- Staying small is a conscious decision.
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3 Biggest Marketing Lies:
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- Immediate delivery?...No problem.
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- We treat every customer as if they were our most important.
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- We're going out to lunch to talk business.
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3 Biggest Engineering Professor's Lies:
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- Some day this course will come in handy.
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- These tests are more trouble for me than they are for you.
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- This is the way they do it in industry.
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3 Biggest Executive Lies:
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- Money...it's just a score card.
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- If it were up to me, there'd be no assigned parking spaces.
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- You have to twist my arm to get me to go on a business trip.
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3 Biggest Hardware Lies:
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- We always design for testablilty.
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- It worked fine on the proto board.
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- That would be much easier to implement in software.
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THREE PROPOSITIONS
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------------------
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1. Software engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark room.
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2. Systems engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark
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room in which there is no cat.
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3. Knowledge engineering is like looking for a black cat in a dark
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room where there is no cat and someone yells, "I got it!".
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