151 lines
6.6 KiB
Plaintext
151 lines
6.6 KiB
Plaintext
* From the New Yorker Magazine: Article by Bruce McCall *
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ROLLED IN RARE BOHEMIAN ONYX,
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THEN VULCANIZED BY HAND
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Here's an offer that's so limited, you can't have it.
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Dear Eminent Patron of the Mail Order Arts:
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Imagine a collector's item so exquisitely detailed that each
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is actually INVISIBLE to the naked eye.
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Think of an heirloom so limited in availability that when you
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order it, the mint specially constructed to craft it will be
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DEMOLISHED.
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Ponder an item so precious that its value has actually TRIPLED
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since you began reading this.
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KILN-FIRED IN EDIBLE
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TWENTY-FOUR-CALORIE SILVER
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Never before in human history has the Polk McKinley Harding Coolidge
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Mint (not a U.S. Government body) commissioned such a rarity.
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Consider: Miniature pewterine reproductions,
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authenticated by the World Court at The Hague and sent
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to you in moisture-resistant Styrofoam chests, of the
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front-door letters of Hollywood's most beloved
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character actors and actresses.
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A special blue-ribbon Advisory Panel will insure that the Foundation
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Council's certificated and inscribed insignia is approved by Her
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Majesty's Master of Heralds before the application deadline.
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Meanwhile, they are yours to inspect in the privacy of your
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home, office, shop, or den for TWENTY YEARS by express permission,
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already withdrawn, of the Polk McKinley Harding Coolidge Mint -- the
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only mint authorized to stamp your application with its own seal.
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The equivalent of three centuries of painstaking
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historical research, supervised by the U.S. Bureau of
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Mines, has preceded this issue of THE ORNAMENTAL
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HANDLES OF THE WALKING CANES OF THE HOHENZOLLERN
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PRINCELINGS.
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Our miniature craftsmen have designed, cast, struck, etched, forged,
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and finished these authentic reproductions -- not available in any
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store, even before they were commissioned -- literally WITHOUT REGARD
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for quality.
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CERTIFIED BY THE
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AMERICAN KENNEL CLUB
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But now, through a special arrangement with the Postmaster General of
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the Republic of San Marino, this seventy-two piece commemorative
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plinth, honoring THE FOOTPRINTS OF THE GREAT JEWEL THIEVES OF THE
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FRENCH RIVIERA -- each encased in its own watered-silk caddy that
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revolved 360 degrees on genuine Swedish steel ball bearings -- has
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been canceled.
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A unique way, you will agree, of introducing you and your
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loved ones to THE GREAT COOKIE JARS OF THE RESTORATION, just like
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those Congreve the boy must have pilfered from.
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They are so authentic that you can actually smell them
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with your nose.
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And don't forget: every set of hand-fired porcelain reproductions of
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THE PADLOCKS OF THE FREE WORLD'S GREAT CUSTOMS HOUSES comes sealed in
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an airtight cask, fashioned after the shoe locker of a Mogul emperor
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so famous that we are prohibited from disclosing his name.
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TWELVE MEN DIED
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TO MAKE THE INGOTS PERFECT
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But why, as a prudent investor, should you spend thousands of dollars,
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every month for a lifetime, to acquire this eighty-eight-piece set of
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OFFICIAL DIPLOMATIC LICENCE PLATES OF THE WORLD'S GREAT
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GOVERNMENTS-IN-EXILE?
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One Minnesota collector comments, "I never expected to buy an
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item so desirable that it has already kept its haunting fascination
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forever."
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But even this merely hints at the extraordinary investment
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potential of the Connoisseur's Choice selection of GREAT ELEVATOR
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INSPECTION CERTIFICATES OF THE WORLD'S TALLEST BUILDINGS.
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Molded in unobtainable molybdenum, each is
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precision-ejected from a flying aircraft to check a
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zinc content that must measure .000000003 percent or
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the entire batch will be melted down, discarded, and
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forgotten.
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But "keepsake" is an inadequate term. Your Jubilee Edition of the 566
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TUNIC BUTTONS OF THE WORLD'S LEGENDARY HOTEL PORTERS will take you
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from New York City to San Francisco to Hong Kong to Bombay ... and
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then actually PAY YOUR WAY back home.
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There is one more aspect for you to consider before refusing
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this offer.
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If you wish, you can have THE LAVALIERE MIKES OF TV'S GREATEST
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TALK SHOW CELEBRITY GUESTS, custom-mounted on driftwood plaques that
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serve as 175 dainty TV snack tables -- free.
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There is, of course, a surcharge and a handling fee, as well
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as the 25 percent duplication cost. But so amazing is this offer that
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you need only pay this levy once -- and never again be bothered by it
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in your mortal life.
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If for whatever reason you elect not to purchase the
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complimentary TOKENS OF THE WORLD'S GREATEST SUBWAY SYSTEMS, you still
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profit:
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The solid-gold VENETIAN GONDOLIER'S BOAT POLE
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TOOTHPICK and velvet-lined presentation case are yours
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to treasure for as long as this incredible offer
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lasts.
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Our DISTINCTIVE AX MARKS OF THE IMMORTAL BRAZILIAN RUBBER PLANTERS are
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in such short supply that an advance application in your name is
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already reserved for you. To protect your investment, NONE will be
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made.
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REGISTERED WITH THE
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DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES
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A dazzling proposition, you will agree. If you do not, your 560-piece
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set of BELGIUM'S MOST CHERISHED WAFFLE PATTERNS, together with your
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check or money order, will be buried at sea on or before midnight,
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April 15, 1982 -- the seventieth anniversary, college-trained
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historians tell us, of the sinking of the R.M.S TITANIC, one of the
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sixty-six GREAT MARINE DISASTERS commemorated in this
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never-yet-offered series, each individually bronzed, annealed,
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Martinized, and hickory-cured by skilled artisans working under the
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supervision of the Tulane University Board of Regents.
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Please note that each comes wrapped in authentic North
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Atlantic seaweed, its salt content confirmed by
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affidavit.
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Best of all, you need not order. Simply steal a new Rolls-Royce, fence
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it, and turn the bills into small denominations of used money (U.S.
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currency only, please). No salesman will call. The Polk McKinley
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Harding Coolidge Mint is not a U.S. Government body. This is not an
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offering.
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The Polk McKinley
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Harding Coolidge Mint
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P.S. If you have already begun your NAPKIN RINGS OF THE STATE SUPREME
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COURT DINING ROOMS collection, please disregard.
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======================================================================
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Copyright (C) 1981 The New Yorker Magazine, Inc.
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